The day had finally come. Danielle’s baby had grown up and graduated High School. Danielle hadn’t known adult life without her daughter, Emily, who she’d had when she was only 16. While Danielle hadn’t been a wild child in her youth, she had still managed to get herself pregnant with the first boyfriend she’d ever had–David–her current husband and devoted father to Emily. Danielle glanced over at him as he sat next to her on the bleachers, clapping furiously while watching Emily receive her diploma down on the graduation stage. She waved up at them from the stage, her smile and twinkling walnut brown eyes an indication of the jubilation that filled her.
It was a happy time and yet there was a tinge of sadness in the air as the sons and daughters of a crowd full of proud parents would leave the comfort of home and begin their journey of adulthood; Likely going away to college or traveling and eventually starting families of their own to repeat the cycle. It was that last part that scared Danielle the most; Emily leaving.
Since the early age of 16, Danielle’s life had revolved around caring for and raising Emily to have the chances she herself didn’t. Her one night of absentmindedness had stolen away her dreams of attending a top college and eventually becoming a marine biologist. Her grades weren’t the issue, as her cumulative GPA had settled at an impressive 3.89 despite going through pregnancy and birth while still in high school. It was the sacrifice Danielle had to make to keep and take care of her newborn baby that had changed her life’s trajectory.
While she had regrets, Danielle wouldn’t change the way it had turned out. Emily was a smart, kind, compassionate and beautiful young woman who had filled Danielle’s life with joy from the moment she was born. She had even bested her in GPA, finishing with an astounding 3.97, although thankfully she didn’t have teen pregnancy getting in the way. With that GPA and the numerous extracurricular and volunteer activities Emily had participated in during her High School tenure it wasn’t hard for her to get into a top college. She had chosen Dartmouth and would leave in the fall.
That meant Danielle had three more months with her daughter before she would go out and begin her own journey of adulthood. Danielle intended to use those remaining three months to spend as much time with Emily as she possibly could, as likely when she came home, she would no longer be her ‘little girl’ anymore but a full-fledged woman who no longer needed to be taken care of. And that is exactly what Danielle enjoyed the most, taking care of her daughter. She delighted in being the most important person in her daughter’s life and making sure she had all the support that she needed. Knowing that it was all coming to an end sent a shudder through Danielle and represented a looming darkness in her mind.
“Let’s go hon, it’s picture time,” David chimed, beaming with pride.
Danielle smiled at David and started down the stairs of the bleachers toward the crowd of hugging parents and newly graduated offspring. Emily was standing toward the back with two of her best friends Hannah and Madison, whom Danielle knew well from their many times spending nights over at their home during sleepovers. All three of them were smiling and chatting enthusiastically about one thing or another, probably upcoming college life.
When she noticed her parents approaching Emily immediately broke off conversation and smiled warmly. It was like looking at a young version of herself, an uncanny likeness Danielle noticed more and more often as she’d aged. Both Danielle and Emily stood 5’4″ and slim but not in an unhealthy way, with golden straw blonde hair stretching just past their shoulder blades. Her skin was impossibly pale, almost like snow but perfectly flawless aside from a few very cute beauty marks that dotted her arms and thighs and one tiny one on her left cheek–Danielle had a similar one on her right cheek an inch lower. Neither of them had been blessed with large breasts or voluptuous hips but they were well proportioned to their bodies and despite neither of them being athletes had very nice muscle tone. She’d always felt the term ‘svelte’ to be an apt description of her body type and it applied to her daughter as well.
For a moment Danielle had been lost in her thoughts–feeling like she was looking into a vision of the past–but her daughter’s warm embrace brought her back to reality.
“I love you, mom. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and I will never forget it,” Emily whispered in her ear as they continued hugging.
Danielle fought back tears and could only muster a feeble ‘Thanks sweety,’ without breaking down. After a few more moments, Danielle loosened her hug and let David have his turn–mirroring other parents who were also doing the graduation celebration carousel. She watched her doting husband hug Emily and fight back tears just as she had while Emily whispered into his ear. She imagined that his message was very similar to her own, as David had always been a wonderful and supportive father. Despite that fact, Danielle had always felt she and Emily had a very special mother-daughter bond that couldn’t be matched–even by her father. Finally, they broke their embrace and the picture-taking began.
It was a bit of a lonely drive home. Emily had left the graduation ceremony with Hannah and Madison who were all attending a graduation party. Unlike many of the other parents, Danielle knew that she had nothing to worry about when it came to Emily making poor decisions. There were the few times she’d snuck out to meet a boy or come home late a little tipsy but on the whole, Emily was as level-headed as you could be at 18. Danielle liked to think that it was her strong morals and good parenting that resulted in Emily’s good decisions, but maybe she just took after her mother naturally.
“I’m gonna miss that girl,” sighed David.
Danielle looked over at her husband, who’s eyes were puffy and agitated as a result of wiping tears away. He looked back and smiled, blue eyes twinkling but mirroring the same sadness she reflected back at him at the prospect of losing their little girl.
“We’ll be fine honey. She’s gonna visit every holiday and every break and she’ll be calling and texting and emailing. It will be like she’s not even gone,” she replied, doing her best to reassure him but hardly believing any of it herself.
The final 3 months ended up being wonderful, if not bittersweet due to the always looming finite nature of it all. They’d gone camping, hiking, shopping, had dinners and movie nights; It was a microcosm of all the joy and happiness of having a child, and yet now it all felt so long ago.
It had been 6 months since Emily left for Dartmouth and it had been the hardest 6 months of Danielle’s life. She didn’t even remember her teenage pregnancy being this hard. It was during this time that Danielle had realized how devoted a mother she had been to Emily and how much of her life revolved around her in one way or another. Danielle realized that she didn’t really have any friends and didn’t really have any hobbies. Occasionally she would write poetry or read a book but more than anything she felt empty.
This feeling of emptiness had permeated into Danielle’s relationship with David. Without Emily as a bonding agent and a reminder of what they’d created together their marriage had suffered. It was a harsh reminder that if it weren’t for Emily, they’d likely have parted ways before they ever reached adulthood. It was only the combined love for their child that had united them and now that she had grown up and moved out there was so little between them that they often felt like strangers or platonic roommates.
But that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was how infrequently they heard from Emily. It started with a phone call every night. That turned into a couple texts a day and a phone call or two per week before settling to a stray text or email every other week. Additionally, Emily hadn’t been visiting during her break nor was she especially excited at the prospect of having them visit her. Danielle trusted Emily implicitly, but even she had begun to question exactly what was going on with her normally very dependable daughter.
It was another restless night of sleep–Danielle’s mind would not shut down. She had the day off tomorrow and she almost wished she was working instead. If she were she wouldn’t have to invent things to do all day while she pretended not to worry about Emily. Suddenly, her lackluster attempts at sleep were interrupted. Was that? Knocking? Did she hear the doorbell?
Danielle peered into the darkness over at David who didn’t seem to be awake or have noticed, and then at her phone that sat on the bedside table.
“3:23am,” she whispered softly to herself.
No way. It must have been in her head. But before she could place her head back on the pillow, she heard it again. This time, she was sure. Three knocks and one press of the doorbell. Danielle shot up, suddenly very afraid. There was literally not a single person she could imagine coming to her door at 3 in the morning on a Wednesday night. No one. Danielle turned to wake David when a thought popped into her head.
Emily.
Could it be? Did she even have a car?
Again, the knocks, this time louder and sounding more frantic along with two presses of the doorbell. Danielle looked once more at her sleeping husband and decided that if it were Emily, and she was in trouble, that she needed to be the one to be there for her. Perhaps it was borne more from selfishness than virtuous parenting, but Danielle felt it was right.
Carefully Danielle eased her weight off the mattress and stepped onto the carpeted floor of her bedroom. One more glance at David who remained sleeping and she was off down the hall–not running but definitely a few paces above a jog. She paused when she reached the door, waiting for sound, breathing, anything indicating she wasn’t losing her mind. There. She could hear it. A sniffle. A cough. It was Emily. Danielle nearly squealed aloud at the thought of hugging her little girl after nearly 7 months. She peered anxiously out of the peephole and there she was. Her baby girl.
Danielle carefully turned the deadlock and unlatched the chain and eased the door open, trying to keep the old door from making too much noise. As soon as she stood face to face with her daughter Danielle felt her face well up and tears begin to flow. Without any words the two of them embraced, and Danielle noticed that while she sobbed softly so did Emily. Something had definitely brought her daughter home in the middle of the night, and it didn’t appear to be good news.
When they finally broke their hug Danielle looked into the face of her little girl. Aside from her red bloodshot eyes, her skin had broken out on her cheeks and chin. Her lips were chapped and peeling and there was a thumb sized scab near her hairline. What had happened to her?
Danielle pulled Emily inside silently and they headed to the den. The den was sunken by two feet and didn’t share the same foundation as the rest of the house. It was also well insulated and had a door separating it from the rest of the house. Normally that was good for watching loud movies but tonight it was for having a heart-to-heart with her daughter that no one would be privy to.
At first, they just sat down on the couch and looked at one another. Danielle had decided that she would resist the urge to bombard Emily with the millions of questions that racked her brain and instead allow her to feel comfortable and explain everything at her own pace. It was a way of handling things that had always garnered her goodwill and trust, but tonight it was harder than ever to stick to. Finally, after what seemed like hours Emily broke her silence.
“I’m sorry mom…,” which immediately prompted another breakdown.
As Emily fell into another quiet sob Danielle scooted next to her and wrapped her arms around her like she did when she was a little girl, and she had a nightmare. She doubted that this would be solved with a hug and a cookie though.
Again, Emily gained her composure and slowed her breathing to a level that she could try to speak. This time she pulled her feet up onto the couch and brought her knees up to her chin. Emily rested her chin on her knees and looked off into space as she spoke.
“It started with a couple of pills,” she began, and Danielle’s heart sank immediately.
“They helped me stay awake to study; they kept me focused during class. Seriously, it was nothing.”
Danielle again resisted the urge to lose her cool, instead letting Emily continue.
“Then I needed more and more for it to work and pretty soon I was taking different pills for sleeping and different pills for staying awake. Then this guy had some coke. But it was actually meth. And I couldn’t sleep so I took another pill and another.”
At this point Danielle could sense Emily was on the verge of another breakdown and knew she needed to say something, so she knew she wasn’t in trouble or alone.
“I don’t care what you did or what happened. I only care that you’re here and you’re safe. Everything else we can figure out. You’re my daughter and nothing will ever change how much I love you.”
Emily looked up and smiled weakly before breaking down and repeating ‘I’m sorry mom’ for another few minutes. Danielle held her daughter tight and told her not to worry, but inside it was her who was on the verge of a panic attack.
By the looks of it Emily had developed a very serious drug habit, which was something that Danielle had absolutely no experience of or knowledge about. She had been as straight-edged as you could get, and she had gotten pregnant long before she reached any stage of partying or barhopping. She was going to have to rely on her love and understanding to pull her through this time, and she had to succeed for her daughter’s sake.
Over the course of the next hour, they continued talking. Danielle learned that Emily had sold all her books, her phone and most of her clothes to pay for drugs. She didn’t mention how she made it home, but it was likely at the expense of something she once cared about. She learned that she had been kicked out of school due to missing too many classes but was eligible for re-enrollment next year if she could find the funding now that many of her scholarships had been revoked. Danielle tried her best to avoid asking about specific drugs that she was using as she didn’t want to cause herself to panic or reveal her utter lack of knowledge to her daughter.
Finally, after an hour of talking Emily had calmed herself and with the plan of coming home and getting on her feet before re-enrolling next year, Danielle felt slightly at-ease herself. It wasn’t the best of circumstances, but it was her daughter home again–and that’s ultimately what she wanted.
“Well sweetie, I think you need a good night’s sleep in your own bed. You’re home now,” Danielle smiled at her daughter warmly, feeling almost happy to be tucking her baby girl into bed again, regardless of the reasons.
Emily smiled back but also struggled to meet Danielle’s gaze. Her daughter fidgeted with her hands a few seconds before taking a deep sigh, obviously struggling with something.
“What is it honey? You can tell me anything. I won’t be mad, I promise,” urged Danielle, trying her best to hide the anxiety building inside her.
Emily fidgeted a few more moments before finally reaching into her purse and digging out a small red and white box. Cigarettes. Marlboro Red 100’s. The same ones that Danielle’s father and Emily’s grandfather smoked before getting lung cancer. For some reason this was more infuriating than the drugs. Maybe because they were right there in front of her. Or maybe because she should know better after what had happened to her grandfather. But either way it made her angry and hurt that her little girl was smoking. It was such a dirty and stupid thing to do, and she thought she had raised her better than that.
Even still, if she was going to try to help her daughter through addiction to drugs, she couldn’t let the fact that her daughter smoked topple the tower of trust and understanding she was building.
“I’m sorry… I know grandpa died from these things. I just… they help. And I’m not really addicted. I just smoke them sometimes to help calm down. Please don’t be mad. I’m gonna quit. I promise.”
Danielle swallowed her anger and disappointment and smiled at her daughter, trying to remain as neutral as possible.
“I understand Emily. It’s ok. Just not in the house and not in front of your dad. He would die,” Danielle reasoned, sending a silent prayer that she could keep this from David who is perhaps the most militant anti-smoker she had ever met.
And with that the biggest smile of the evening spread across her daughter’s face. A real, genuine expression of happiness that had been absent all night. She finally looked like Emily.
A pang of guilt shot through Danielle as she realized how terrified Emily must have been to come home and come clean like this. She mentally scolded herself for failing to hide her disappointment at times and having been tempted to get angry with her. If she was going to be there for her daughter, she was going to have to do it without judgment and without resentment. If Emily even sensed that Danielle was ashamed or disappointed in her it could shatter her, and she could lose her trust forever.
“You wanna come?”
Emily’s question shook her out of her thoughts and Danielle realized she had her cigarettes in hand and was motioning towards the back patio. She was asking if Danielle wanted to join her outside while she smoked. She knew that she needed to be without judgment, but Danielle was unsure if she was ready to see her little girl smoke in front of her. It would be a test of her resolve to be sure.
However, her tentativeness had already been noted by Emily whose bright smile had shrunk to a look of embarrassment.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I asked that,” Emily scolded, shaking her head in disgust.
“No, honey, it’s fine. Sure, I’ll come. It’s a nice night and I’ve missed our late-night talks,” Danielle tried her best to reassure her daughter after her initial hesitancy.
“Really? It won’t bother you?” Emily asked, motioning toward the pack of cigarettes in her hand.
“No, don’t worry about it. I know it’s something you need right now, and you’ll quit soon. I trust you, it’s fine.”
And with that Emily’s face lit up with another smile and she slid open the sliding glass door, plopping down on one of the two chairs sitting on the patio. Danielle followed suit, taking the chair opposite her daughter, and making sure to completely shut the door behind them.
“This is weird,” remarked Emily as she shook out a cork-filtered cigarette from her already half spent pack.
“What’s weird?” Asked Danielle.
“Smoking in front of my mom,” Emily replied, placing the cigarette between the full lips that had been her birthright.
Danielle didn’t really know how to respond to that so instead she tried her best not to stare as her 18-year-old daughter, her little angel, flicked a match with one-time precision and held the flame up to the tip of her cigarette like someone who had done it hundreds of times–a thought that sent a shudder of unease through Danielle’s consciousness.
She puffed a few clouds out of the side of her mouth before flicking the match into the darkness and taking several powerful pulls on the cigarette, eventually swallowing the smoke greedily. Danielle noted how her entire body seemed to relax as she held the much-needed nicotine inside her for several moments. Finally, as if she was letting go of a part of herself that she didn’t want to lose, Emily pursed her lips and exhaled a strong, thick stream of smoke into the night air.
“You clearly needed that, huh?”
“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this cigarette for the last hour. My mouth was practically watering,” Emily described, before sensing she was being a bit too flippant.
“I mean, it just really calms my nerves. It’s been a rough night,” she edited.
Interestingly, Danielle wasn’t even upset about Emily smoking or even the affinity with which she described it. Oddly enough, watching her daughter so obviously filled with satisfaction and happiness–regardless of the fact it that was the cigarette providing it–brought her a little bit of joy. There was no question Danielle was out of her depth when it came to the problems Emily was facing, so being able to see her baby happy for a few minutes was reason enough to cherish these moments.
Danielle decided she liked joining her daughter for her smoke break, because she liked seeing her daughter happy, and right now smoking made her happy. If something makes you happy it can’t possibly be all bad, right? Isn’t everyone guilty of doing things that they probably shouldn’t do just because it makes them happy for a little while? Food, fast cars, alcohol, even carefree sex. Everyone has something. Her daughter wouldn’t smoke forever, but for now it was acceptable while they went after bigger fish.
“So how long have you been smoking?” Danielle asked, making sure to eliminate any trace of judgment from her tone.
Emily was in the middle of another monstrous drag, her cheeks collapsing as she applied an intense amount of suction to the already half-smoked cork cigarette. Emily finally concluded her seconds long pull on the Marlboro and popped a large ball of smoke down her throat audibly, allowing her lungs to inflate visibly as she filled them with smoke.
She appeared to think to herself for a moment while trapping the smoke inside her, obviously thinking back over the course of events that led to this moment.
“About 4 or 5 months I guess,” she replied, little puffs of smoke punctuating each syllable of her answer.
Danielle resisted the urge to say what was on her mind, which was that she had started smoking almost immediately upon getting to college, and just kept silent.
They sat in silence while Emily finished her cigarette in only a few minutes, proving that she did indeed desperately need her nicotine fix. She took a final strong pull on the cigarette, now burned right down to the filter, and expertly flicked the butt out into the darkness. Danielle watched as a few tiny sparks trailed off and quickly extinguished into the night.
Danielle sat up and prepared to stand but noticed that her daughter was still in her seat, looking sheepishly at her and clearly not ready to go back inside.
“I’m gonna have one more, actually,” she said, an obvious bit of embarrassment on her face.
Danielle opened her mouth to say ‘really?’ but immediately caught herself and thought better of it.
“I know I’ll lay in bed craving it if I don’t, are you mad?” Emily asked, clearly anticipating Danielle to scold her.
Danielle composed herself and held back her scolding, instead opting to surprise her daughter with understanding and kindness.
“Not at all sweetie. If you need it, go ahead, I don’t mind,” Danielle said, surprising even herself with her ability to contain her maternal dismay.
Emily didn’t even wait for Danielle to finish her sentence before she was lighting up again, smiling at her in appreciation. She smoked her second with the same ravenous ferocity that she’d smoked her first. Danielle wondered if she was going to go for a third as she powered through it just as quickly, but instead Emily kept to her word and went to bed after finishing her second cigarette in less than 10 minutes.
Now lying in bed, Danielle had a new set of reasons why she was having trouble sleeping. How was she going to help her daughter with something she had no experience of or knowledge in? What was she going to do about work when she needed to be with Emily to take care of her? What were they going to say to David?
All these questions and more pestered Danielle’s mind throughout a restless and frustrating night of tossing and turning.
Finally, the morning arrived, and David began to rouse from his sleep. Danielle knew that she had to go on the offensive right away, framing the narrative and shaping the conversation and situation in the best possible light. As David came to, he turned to see his wife laying on her side, staring at him with obvious anticipation.
“Honey…,” David said through a yawn and a stretch “did you sleep ok?” David asked unaware of the night Danielle had endured.
“I need to tell you something and I’m gonna need you to listen and not say anything until I’m done, ok?” Danielle spoke the sentence that she’d been practicing in her head for the last 4 hours.
David looked at her confused, suddenly much more awake than he had been a few seconds ago. After a few moments of thought he settled on a resigned nod in agreement.
“Emily came home last night, she’s been having some trouble at school,” Danielle watched as David’s face lit up in excitement and then contorted to worry in a split second.
“She missed some classes, fell behind, and felt like she needed to take a break to come home and regroup. She didn’t acclimate to college life the way that she thought, missed her friends, and missed her home. Now that she knows what to expect she’s going to prepare to re-enroll next year, but for now she wants to stay here and get comfortable again. She’s very worried that you’re going to be mad at her, so I need you to promise me that you’re not going to attack her or scold her and you’re not going to ask her a bunch of questions. We both need to be there for her and just help her right now,” Danielle recited her carefully thought out and manicured statement.
She made sure to keep David in the dark about the real reasons she’d come home, knowing he would insist on rehab and combing through every little detail. Danielle knew that wasn’t what Emily needed right now, so she had to lie to David about a couple of things for the sake of their daughter. She watched as David’s mind processed the information but was happy to see he didn’t immediately object to her requests.
“Ok… ok… whatever she needs,” David answered in the affirmative, despite shaking his head incongruously.
Danielle thanked her lucky stars that David hadn’t woken up during the night and that she’d been afforded the opportunity to craft a story that would appease him without alerting him of the seriousness of the situation. Even more, Danielle was thankful that David, at least to this point, was going along with her requests.
“One more thing,” she started, watching David almost wince in response, “the stress has been hard on her skin. She’s broken out and she doesn’t look her best, so please don’t bring it up and make her feel bad about it, ok?” Danielle explained, again cutting off any line of questioning that would result in David uncovering the truth.
David seemed to meet this most recent piece of information with a measure of relief, possibly anticipating something worse to come out of Danielle’s mouth. His compliance was signaled by a nod and a smile.
“Ok, I’m going to go and see if she wants to say ‘hi’ before you head off to work. She had a late night, so let me go talk to her a moment and let her know we’ve talked so she can be at-ease. You go ahead and shower and we’ll meet you downstairs, ok?”
Danielle needed a chance to inform Emily of the version of the events she’d just told David so they could be on the same page. Luckily, David was in the accepting mood because he agreed and headed off to the bathroom without argument.
Danielle quickly darted to her daughter’s room and knocked softly on her closed door. She waited a few moments and after hearing no response carefully turned the doorknob. She inched the door open and peered into the room. Emily was still asleep in her bed, so she stepped inside and closed the door behind her making sure to press the lock in. Making her way to the edge of the bed, Danielle sat next to where her daughter was laying on her side and began running her hands through her hair softly, something she’d done all her life. It only took a few moments before Emily noticed and while taking a deep breath and stretching, smiled lovingly at her through squinting eyes.
“Hi baby, did you sleep ok?” Comforted Danielle, filling with love in seeing her little girl in her own bed after so long.
Emily nodded and began rubbing her eyes, offering yet another languid yawn as response.
“So, I talked to your dad,” a sentence that seemed to wake Emily almost immediately.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him much. I just said that you fell behind in school and got homesick. I told him you’re going to spend the rest of the year here, getting back on your feet, and then head back to school next fall. He doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know about the ‘other’ stuff, ok?” Danielle said with a wink and a knowing look.
Emily’s relieved smile said it all–Danielle had done the right thing.
“Thanks mom, I love you,” Emily said as she sat up and hugged her, sniffling her way through a few tears.
“I love you too sweetie, everything’s going to be ok. You’re home,” Danielle replied, fighting back her own tears.
“He wants to say hi before he heads off to work, do you think you can get up?” Danielle asked.
“What about you? Do you work?” Emily countered.
“No, I have the day off,” Danielle answered. This prompted another squeeze from Emily, continuing to hug Danielle and clearly pleased at the prospect of spending the day with her.
“Yeah, let me just run a brush through my hair and I’ll be down,” Emily breathed softly, still hugging Danielle tightly.
“Sure, honey.”
A few minutes later Danielle was watching as the coffee maker lazily dripped cheap, black liquid into the old pitcher they’d had since they got it as a wedding gift. Neither Danielle nor David were coffee snobs and didn’t even particularly care for the taste of coffee, instead drinking it solely for waking up when they hadn’t gotten enough sleep.
Danielle needed it quite badly this morning.
The first person down the stairs was David, surprisingly. Showered, shaved, dressed and ready for the day. This time Danielle cursed him a bit for being such a heavy sleeper. As amazing as it had been to be reunited with Emily, regardless of the circumstances, her entire body and mind were aching for more rest.
“She still upstairs?” he called as he stepped joyously into the kitchen and over to the cupboard with the coffee mugs.
He was clearly infused with a spring in his step as a result of Emily being home and it showed in every aspect of his demeanor.
“She is, but please remember what we talked about. This is a big moment,” Danielle reiterated, edging toward a scolding tone, and revealing a bit of her own anxiety.
“Don’t worry hon, I’m not going to do anything to make her feel bad. I love her just as much you do, remember?” he replied.
While Danielle couldn’t accept that anyone could love her daughter as much as she did, she felt a bit more at-ease that David wasn’t planning to invalidate any of their previous agreements.
A series of slow, plodding footfalls drew their attention to the stairs as Emily made her way down to the kitchen. After a few moments Emily appeared, clad only in her pastel blue panties, white tank-top and no bra, and a pair of mismatched socks. Her tousled blonde hair fell along her face in frazzled defiance of gravity and her eyes wore a deep redness that made her look several years older than her 18-years.
Danielle’s attention shot from Emily’s unkempt appearance to her husband, immediately concerned that he wouldn’t be able to resist commenting on the near-complete stranger that was before them. His eyes had bulged a little and Danielle thanked an unnamed deity that he had not been in the middle of taking a sip, lest he spit it out in shock.
If Emily had noticed his reaction, she hadn’t shown it, as her only response was a lazy yawn and a stutter-stepping stretch.
“Hey mom, hey dad, good morning,” she droned somewhat lifelessly.
“Good morning sunshine, your mom told me everything. I just want you to know that I’m here for whatever you need. No questions,” David recited, clearly having been memorizing his own response as well.
“Thanks dad, that means a lot,” Emily replied, again her voice lacking any real emotion or authenticity.
David’s composure broke ever-so-slightly, clearly having anticipated a more gracious and emotional display of gratitude for his ‘no questions asked’ offer of support. He also wore a look of concern and disappointment that indicated he was both worried about what he was seeing and saddened by his daughter’s apparent indifference to seeing him for the first time in 7 months.
Luckily, he remained committed to his earlier pledge and didn’t let it compel him to pepper her with questions or press the issue in any way. Instead, he just accepted the quick hug that Emily offered on her way to the fridge with a smile.
“Alright, I’m off to work then. You ladies have fun and I’ll see you tonight,” David said, offering Danielle a quick cheek kiss before walking briskly to the front door with a steaming mug of coffee in-hand.
“Okay, have a good day, love you,” Danielle offered robotically, a word-for-word recital of the same thing she’d been saying for years on-end.
The sound of the door closing allowed Danielle to breathe a sigh of relief that she hadn’t even been aware of holding.
“Well, that went better than expected,” Emily remarked.
Danielle hesitated to agree enthusiastically, wanting to give her husband a bit more benefit of the doubt than her daughter.
“He really wants to give you what you need, he loves you so much, we both do,” she replied, already feeling the familiar sting of her tear ducts fighting against her willpower to open the flood gates.
“I appreciate it, mom,” Emily replied, mid-pour with some Tropicana orange juice.
“I almost stopped buying that, after you left it just sat in there. I guess I kept getting it in case you visited,” Danielle described, nodding toward the carton of orange juice.
“Good thing,” she replied, taking a long sip, and replacing the carton to the fridge.
Danielle noted the many changes in her daughter–the lack of emotion in her tone, the terse replies and avoidance of eye-contact, the uncharacteristically unkempt appearance and borderline inappropriate lack of clothing–but what she noticed most was the pervasive sense of awkwardness and unease.
She thought back again to the previous night and her conduct in response to what was discussed. Had she failed to show adequate support? Had she let an air of judgment or disappointment infuse her demeanor? She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew that something was definitely different between them. How had only 7 months done so much to their relationship? To her daughter?
“So, what did you want to do today? Shopping? Mall? I feel like you need a ‘me’ day, whaddaya think?” Danielle forged ahead, beating back the feeling of disconnect with relentless optimism.
“Eh, I dunno. I think I’m gonna hang out with some friends actually. Just chill a bit and catch up. You don’t mind, do you?” Emily replied, sending Danielle’s heart sinking to the bottom of the emotional sea.
“Um, yeah, sure honey. If that’s what you need, no problem, we can do it another day. We have tons of time now, right?” she replied, giving her best attempt at covering her growing disappointment.
“Great, thanks mom, I’m gonna head upstairs and get ready,” she called, already bounding up the steps two-by-two.
Danielle sighed dejectedly, deciding that maybe it would be good for her to take a nap and have another try at starting the day. It wasn’t the sunniest ‘bright side’ she’d ever relied upon, but she could definitely use the rest.
As she trudged up the stairs toward the bedroom her nose detected the unmistakable aroma of cigarettes and knew that Emily was smoking in her room. As she walked over to the closed door to Emily’s room Danielle hesitated a moment and considered knocking, wondering how she might approach the subject. In the end she decided to let it go. David wasn’t home and by the time he was it would be virtually undetectable anyways. Why stir things up on Emily’s first day home?
Danielle turned from Emily’s room and back to her own bedroom and made her way to the bed. She climbed beneath the covers, pulling them up to just below her eyes like she did when she was little–and she did feel little in that moment, and insignificant. Danielle was learning just how much being a mother had meant to her and how much of her identity and self-worth was wrapped up in her perception of herself as a ‘good mom.’ As feelings of helplessness and fear swirled in her mind, her consciousness was eventually swept away in a whirlpool of mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion.
She awoke four and a half hours later to an unfamiliar noise–an unfamiliar voice. A murmuring of conversation reverberated softly through the wall behind her, the one that her headboard was pressed against and the one that Emily’s was pressed against on the other side.
Danielle slowed her breathing and trained her focus on the sound, the beating of her heart seeming to grow louder as it pounded in her ears. Definitely a voice–a male voice. Emily had a boy over, something that had always been strictly forbidden unless it was part of a kitchen table study session. It had been one of the only rules without any compromise, a way to ensure her daughter wouldn’t end up pregnant in high school like she had been.
It had also been a rule that was never challenged, and never disobeyed. Emily had been one of the easiest child-rearing experiences any parent could ask for. Smart, kind, and more than anything empathetic and understanding. When Danielle had explained the reasoning for the ‘no boys’ rule, Emily had understood. Not just understood but appreciated. She recognized that it was a rule intended to give her the chance at a better life, to protect from making the same mistakes as her mother. As improbable as it may have seemed, her teenage daughter genuinely agreed with her rule and its intended effect.
But the Emily that had returned from college was different in many ways. It seemed like there was a growing list of ways that she was different and a willingness to break this rule was now a part of it. There was a pang of anxiety that sparked her heart rate to increase and her breath to run shallow and ragged. A jolt of adrenaline followed and now cortisol. Danielle’s body was now awash in all manner of stress hormones as she considered her reaction.
She remained trained on the voices in the other room, a mix of giggles and hushed discussion. Did she hear the click of a lighter? Danielle was beside herself with doubt and worry, and no matter how much she might’ve wished for a different response–it seemed that between fight, flight, or fright it was fright and a paralyzing inaction that had won out.
Danielle tried to quell the sick unease that knotted in her stomach while remaining perked to pick out any discernible words or phrases. The shifting weight of bodies on Emily’s bed elicited a few squeaks as giggling and springs stretching combined to create a cacophony of treble.
Next came the one thing that Danielle feared most–rhythmic movement. At first, she rejected it, fought the very idea of it. But it soon became clear that no amount of deluding herself would be effective. Kissing sounds, moans, the occasional ‘bang’ of the bed frame hitting the wall; her daughter was having sex.
While she always knew that she’d grow out of being her little girl, the idea of her as an adult was always accompanied by her with a husband, children, a family. It was, perhaps naivety, that prevented her from imagining this scenario.
It was such an intense sense of discomfort. Such an overwhelming feeling of confusion and disappointment. A powerlessness, and helplessness, that pervaded through every fiber of her body as she remained utterly motionless under the covers. No longer were the covers enough to comfort her, they were there only to hide her. Hide her from the reality of her situation and the daughter she feared she didn’t really know anymore and the resulting shame of it all.
It was this peculiar mix of emotions, and the absolute inability for Danielle to deal with or contend with them that led to a most obscene coping mechanism. Shame gave way to arousal; in some impossible way she began to feel her crotch moisten and her heart beat rapidly for a different reason.
She closed her eyes and focused on the sounds, the feminine moans of her daughter and the masculine grunts of her visitor. She noticed the slaps of flesh, the sporadic sucking and kissing noises, and the occasional ‘smack’ of a slap. Before she knew what was happening, she was snaking her hand down toward the wetness that had formed between her legs.
Thoughts of right and wrong dissolved and suddenly the shame of her failure as a mother manifested into an opportunity to take back some measure of control in a situation where she’d felt completely helpless.
Danielle proceeded to rub her clit, it’s semi-firm shard of flesh swollen and sensitive to her touch. A jolt of pleasure shot through her and propelled her onward, imagining her daughter in a similar way just inches from her physical location–eyes-closed and mouth agape in delight.
A few squeaks of the bed indicated a change and now Danielle was worried it was over, a concern that dissipated upon the resuming of the proceedings a few moments later. It sounded as if her daughter were now facing the wall and the force of their lovemaking session had increased. The echoing slaps of flesh also grew, and Danielle surmised that they must have transitioned into doggy-style.
The thinness of the wall and the new orientation of Emily on the bed gave way to an improved clarity that almost made it sound like she was in the room. Her moans were now directed through the barrier of sheetrock and insulation in her direction.
“Fuck me,” came the harsh whisper of the young woman Danielle had previously known as her daughter.
It sounded almost like she was whispering it in her own ear, and it sent shockwaves of pleasure straight to the clit that she was now rubbing with singular determination.
Danielle listened to the tell-tale signs of an orgasm as Emily’s breathing intensified and her moans lost their cadence, devolving into little more than ragged whimpers of indescribable ecstasy.
“Cum in my pussy,” came the unmistakable request from Emily’s lips.
It was her greatest fear–the one thing that should have generated a sense of pure panic, but now that it was happening, and she was powerless to stop it–it pushed her over the edge.
Just as her daughter was surrendering to the onset of her own powerful orgasm, Danielle was being overcome with the full-body eruption of a climax herself. She stifled her moans with one hand while pushing herself to cum unremittingly with the other. Her body spasmed and her breath caught in her throat, prompting her to grit her teeth while every molecule of her biology screamed out in glee.
Danielle rode out the most powerful orgasm of her life as she listened to the grunts and moans of an unnamed male ejaculate into the unprotected pussy of her daughter, a mere inches away from where she lay in the adjoined room. She continued rubbing until her clit was too sensitive to touch, prompting wave after wave of a multi-orgasmic marathon of self-manipulation. As her hand finally fell from her crotch, Danielle panted alone in the room while things died down for Emily too.
She only sort-of registered the clicks of a lighter and more giggling as post-orgasm bliss yanked at her consciousness and beckoned it back to slumber. Danielle relented to its call, but not before she had one last fleeting thought as she drifted back to sleep–she was most definitely not your typical mother.