“That’s the problem Jen, I don’t know if there is something wrong or not. I don’t know if I have done something wrong or not. I really just don’t know what to think or what meaning to attach to the thoughts I am having.”
“Well, why don’t you tell me something good. That will be easier to say and will help get you started talking.”
“Well, Paul and I may have had the best sex of our marriage last night.”
Jen thought of a sarcastic comeback that might have been funny under different circumstances. But Carol seemed genuinely upset and so Jen decided to be more helpful than funny. “Well, that is certainly a good thing. Let me hear all about it.”
Carol then went on to explain in full detail the events of the night between Paul and her. When she had finished, Jen smiled and said “I don’t know Carol. After a night like that, I would have expected to find you in a much better mood.”
“Jen I was not unhappy with my sex life and I don’t think Paul was either. But over the last month we have begun to open up to new things and I am beginning to realize how stagnant it had become. How safe and rote and unimaginative it really was. But the fact is that I did not know any better and probably would have been satisfied as it was. But that night during the first tournament changed things. And there is no doubt in my mind that a large part of what has unlocked this willingness to expand my sex life with Paul comes from what we have been sharing.”
“So without that, my sex life and my marriage would have been less fulfilling and less enjoyable. But I am also worried that maybe I crossed a line that I should not have crossed the other night. I love Paul and I have no desire to leave him and I am really enjoying my sex with him. But I have really enjoyed what we have shared. I know we have known each other for a very short time, but you are already a very important person in my life. And I don’t want to hurt you or offend you.”
“Plus, what does this mean about me? I am suddenly doing far more sexually than I ever have in my life. And now I find myself being sexually active with another woman. There were a few couples on my soccer team in college, but no one was really interested in me, and I never felt that way about any of the girls. And by the second semester of my Junior Year, I had begun dating Paul. So, am I a lesbian or bi-sexual or what?”
She hesitated for a moment because she was finally at the one part of all this that she really did not know what to say as she did not want to scare off her friend. But as she looked at Jen who sat listening to her with no judgment but only compassion, she felt the courage to go the distance. “And I know I have feelings for you. And I don’t know how to quantify them, and I don’t know if it is appropriate for me to even have them when I am married and finally…” and at this point Carol looked down at her feet and finished with “…I don’t know how you will feel about me telling you this.”
Jen was a little stunned by these admissions, but she reached over and touched Carol’s knee and said “Hey. Look at me.” When Jen saw Carol’s emerald eyes, they were cloudy. Carol was not fully crying but tears had welled up in her eyes. Jen now took Carol’s hand and said “Look that is a lot to go through, so let’s take it one item at time.”
“Let’s start first by saying that your accountant mind is probably making this a little harder on you than it has to be. You are trying to get things to add up and balance that are by their very nature wild and untamed. You are talking about love and emotions and feelings, and they don’t always add up or balance. And that’s okay. You don’t need to make them balance.”
“As to how I feel about you having feelings for me, I am ecstatic and humbled. I think you are an amazing person. I am so lucky that I met you. I moved here, left all my supports behind and then there you were at that first practice, and you have been exactly what I needed. And I have feelings for you and yes, I have been really enjoying our time together. Not just on Saturday nights, but like here at practice or even in the lobby with everyone else on Friday night.”
“Carol, you have quickly become a very special person to me. And if you think that some of what we have shared has helped your marriage, that is great. If you feel that it has also caused some anxiety for you, we can stop if you need to. I really do not want to, but you are more import to me than just fun on a Saturday night. But for my sake, let’s not decide that without talking about some of the other stuff first.”
“As for yourself, you used terms that are common, but from my perspective they are traps you get yourself stuck in if you are not careful. So let me ask you a question first, do you want to have sex with Dana Stantz?”
This question shocked Carol as Jen mentioned one of the other mothers. Dana was a second wife and stepmother for Elizabeth Stantz, the goalie. She was the youngest of the mothers and she was drop dead gorgeous. There was no other way to describe her.
“No?” was Carol’s reply. Not that she was questioning her response, but she was just so surprised by the question she was almost reluctant to answer it.
“Then trust me you are not a lesbian.” With that Carol laughed and for the first time seemed to relax. “Would you have sex with Steve Pennington? He is a male after all.”
“Ugh! No.” was Carol’s immediate reply.
“So it is not a question of gender, but a question of who the person is that seems to drive your desire. I have had two great loves in my life. The first was a woman and the second was a man. It has been hard to lose them both. Eventually I dated again, and I have had dates with both men and women since John died. But I did not date them because they were a man or a woman. I dated them because I felt something with them that I wanted to keep feeling and to share with them. I don’t think that requires a name or a status.”
“And to my mind, it would be crazy not to experience those feelings that you have for someone because they don’t fit into this box or that box. I think there is a connection between us. I think we both feel it. And if it was just you and me, I would definitely say that we should explore it and see how far it can go. But I know it is not just you and me. It’s Paul. And Katie and Melanie too. Whatever else happens with us, I do not want you to have feelings of regret or anxiety or guilt. I don’t want you to feel as if you are betraying Paul.”
“So please know that I will go at your pace with no pressure and no disappointment and if we end up going back to pre-first tournament us, as long as you promise to still be my friend, I will be fine with that too, if that’s what you want. Oh, and by the way, trust me there was at least one girl on your soccer team in college who wanted to jump your bones. You just didn’t pick up on the signals.” Again, Carol laughed.
Carol now felt much better about everything. She had admitted her feelings for Jen to herself as well as to Jen. And her fear that they might cause Jen to reject her had been unfounded. Quite the contrary, Jen had accepted them and admitted to her own feelings for Carol. But she also made it clear that their friendship was the top priority and so Carol felt she could pull back a little, not feel like she was being unfaithful to Paul, but could still have some fun on Saturday nights as well.