“Stella and I know what advice we would give you but you haven’t listened to any for a while. Your ego and your anger have blinded you to what you had. It may be too late to save your marriage. Maybe you wanted out but couldn’t tell Kat but her mistake gives you that opportunity.
“Andy, you need to decide what you want now. I think Don was right. Stella has felt for a few weeks that Kat was giving up on you. Last night would have killed her last hope.”
The discussion or haranguing went on all afternoon. I was left in no doubt, I needed to do two or three things very quickly.
The first was dump my ego so the anger could be replaced by reason.
Decide whether I wanted a future with Kat or without.
Act on that decision. No delay.
After I went home, I did nothing but think. Sunday wasn’t good either.
On the Wednesday, as I made my way towards Sharon’s, I had two thoughts. Would Kat be there? How do I speak about what has happened? I thought I knew what I needed to say but would anyone want me to speak. Was it too late?
Kat wasn’t in Sharon’s waiting room which concerned me. She was always there first. Had she decided there was no point? From what Don and Stella had said, probably.
Sharon took me in and I told her what had transpired between Kat and I over the last week. I didn’t downplay what I had said. It was about ten minutes in when I ended that sorry story. There was a door banging and Kat came in breathlessly. She apologised to Sharon but there had been an accident and she’d stopped to give some help. Her clothes were heavily bloodstained and her hands were red with blood.
Sharon took her to the toilets to clean up. I was shocked. At first, from her breathing and the blood I wondered if she had been badly hurt. At that moment, I grasped that what I thought I wanted to say was the correct thing after all.
After they came back in, Sharon gave Kat the gist of what I had said. She agreed. She never once looked directly at me.
Sharon asked a question to both of us, “Do either of you see any value in continuing?”
I spoke quietly, “If Kat thinks it would help, I do. Since Friday night, I’ve been verbally assaulted by some of those closest to me and basically told, not too politely, if I wanted to have any relationship with Kat, I needed to dump my ego and anger. They also told me in no uncertain terms that Kat had lied to you at the beginning when she said I was perfect. I was anything but.
“If Kat says no, I would like to tell you what I have learned these last few days before we part.”
Sharon had a look on her face I hadn’t seen before. She said later, it was the first time she had seen me speak without anger driving my facial features. I may have said the right things but I didn’t truly mean them.
Kat looked stunned as she finally looked at me. Her voice shook as she spoke softly, “Andy, I can’t go on with the way we are. I need you to say clearly what it is you want. If it’s a divorce — fine. If it’s keeping this charade going to feed your ego, you’re doing everything to save our marriage, I don’t need that. I need you committed and open to that, saving our marriage. I need that commitment like you need mine I’ll never think of straying again.
“So, what is it you actually want?”
I gathered my thoughts, “Kat, I want us to really try and get over this, to have our life we thought we would have. I love you, I’ve never stopped loving you but I held the anger to keep you away. In many ways it stopped me also looking at my own actions.
“You told Sharon I was perfect. I wasn’t. Stella pointed out how I withdrew from you, from us. The most startling example was your promotion. When we talked about it here, I was surprised I couldn’t recollect you being promoted. Stella and James told me how you were so high, every one bar me was so happy for you. I almost ignored you. The Andy I was before, would have been so proud, I would have been shouting it to everyone. I dismissed it. She told me how hurt you were.
“How you often felt you were ignored except when I wanted sex. How little we did together when before we did everything together, football, films, walks. How I stopped listening to you. Remember when we used to discuss our work, our day, the laughs, the support we gave each other. A lot of that we had lost. I was responsible for most of that.
“Since that bruising encounter and a different one but equally blunt with your dad, I’ve done nothing but think about it. I finally had to agree with Stella’s assessment, my lack of communication, was in large part the catalyst for your stupid fucking fantasy, as you called it.
“Our lack of proper communication meant you sought some way, misguided as it was, of getting us back to where we were as I never listened.
“As I went over the last year, eighteen months, I came to the conclusion, I resented you for seemingly withdrawing from me. Your granny underwear, the number of faults you found with me, how if I said black, you went white. You said how nasty you felt you’d been to me. I took my revenge by withdrawing from our relationship.
“Our sex life was poor because you felt I was only interested in you for sex. I couldn’t see that my behaviour was contributing to that. I only felt the rejection. I couldn’t break the cycle. From what you have said here, you couldn’t either.
“You’ve talked here about the bad experience you had. You never told me. You only said you’d had one previous partner and I didn’t enquire further as it was before we met. I never knew you felt so badly about our sex life, how you sucked. I sucked your love for me out of you by what I did. I compounded that by my reaction to your night outs. I was annoyed at you, at me for allowing us to be so distant from each other. I never spoke to you about it because I didn’t want to recognise my role in breaking us. I blamed you instead.
“I don’t want you out of my life but I know you may never want me again because of what I have done. I’ll work hard to be totally involved in any further sessions. I know I haven’t up to now. We’ll learn together.
“Kat, give me a chance to show you, I can be a better me.”
Sharon had a smile on her face. I must have said something right for a change.
There were tears in my eyes. I felt a great sense of relief. As I watched Kat, I felt fear.
Kat spoke softly, “I don’t quite understand. Are you saying you’re just as much as me to blame for where we are?”
I nodded. I didn’t trust my voice.
Kat said sadly, “I don’t see how.”
Sharon spoke, her voice warm, engaging, there was a tone of hope, “Kat, what Andy has said and what you have said before makes sense. Once your initial marriage rush was over, you both had to learn how to be married. Neither of you were aware that the little, subtle changes you were subconsciously making were as a result of how you felt the other was acting. Your failure as you saw it with sex led to you withdrawing your full participation. The changes in your clothing to make you less desirable. Andy retaliated by reducing the level of your communication. All of this took time as it was a slow, drip, drip, ever-changing reaction. You each constructed a position which allowed you to blame the other.