By OlympusMons90
It was almost lunchtime on a Wednesday as I drove onto the building site, my brother waiving me over towards the de-mountable office.
“Bill, where the fuck have you been? The clients left almost an hour ago.”
“Yeah, sorry about that Kevin. I got caught up with something.”
“You mean you got caught up in someone. This shit has to stop, or at least do it on your own time for fuck’s sake, we’re trying to run a business here.”
“Yeah, I know. How did it go with the clients? No variations? They happy with the progress?”
“We’re all good. No changes yet, so that’s something. How do you feel about going to check on the site in Irving? The Plumbers are meant to be finishing up there today.”
“Yeah, sure. I’ll call you later.”
As I got back in my pick-up and drove off the site in West Dallas, I started reflecting on how I got to this point. I felt more than a little lost, drifting almost. My whole life has changed after the birth of my second child, my son Thomas. Everything was fine after Brianna was born, but after Thomas, nothing’s been the same.
I’m William Patterson or Bill or Billy as I’m known to friends and family. I’m twenty-eight years old, my wife Brittany is twenty-six. My wife Brittany, I guess I should use that term loosely. We’re really only husband and wife now in name only. Yeah, we still live together in the house I built in Dallas, Texas, but I wouldn’t call us ‘husband and wife’ in the true sense. We stopped being that after our son was born.
I met my wife on the job, she’s a realtor and I’m a Building Developer. I was only twenty-three when we met, Brittany was just twenty-one. I wasn’t yet doing what I do now, both my brother and I were still contracting as builders at the time. We had worked on a new small apartment complex, and I was there to finalize some fixes that were needed. Brittany was just starting her career and was there with an older colleague showing the apartments to buyers.
From the moment I saw her, I was mesmerized. She had long raven colored hair, piercing grey eyes, with a body that looked spectacular even though hidden under her business attire. When she saw me, she stopped and smiled. I swore she was checking me out. I’m the same height as my brother at 6’1, I’ve always been athletic and strong, with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes. While I never had too much trouble getting girls during high school or after, up until this point I’d never had a serious relationship, well, nothing that had lasted more than a few months.
I plucked up the courage to speak with her when she was done showing people through and was surprised when she freely offered me her number before leaving. We began dating that weekend and a year later and we were married, a year after that we had our first child Brianna. While having a first child was daunting, the fact that my brother already had four kids by then and was able to give me some great advice helped no end. His wife Denise was also fantastic for Brittany, she’d become like an older sister for her. That helped a lot as Brittany is an only child, raised by her grandparents who had now already retired to Corpus Christi.
My older brother Kevin and I now run a business called KWP Construction, for Kevin and William Patterson of course. We do mainly small to medium sized projects, but we usually have two or three development projects running at the same time. We’ve done well for ourselves, I’ve even been to build my own four bedroom home, but I have my brother to thank for that. He was the driving force for us starting our own business, but we have both contributed equally ever since.
Two years years after Brianna was born, Brittany and I had our second child, a beautiful baby boy named Thomas. After his birth, I noticed that Brittany didn’t really bounce back like she had after Brianna. Instead, she was quick to anger, had huge mood swings, bouts of crying, all mixed in with not wanting any physical intimacy at all with me. After about six weeks I convinced her to go see a specialist, and she was diagnosed with PPD, or postpartum depression.
While it helped to know what she was going through, I’ll admit it was tough. Being rejected repeatedly by your wife who you love more than anything was hard to take, even knowing what the cause was. They told us it could last up to six to nine months after birth for more serious cases, but that eventually she would be fine, and our life would return to normal. By the time we were at six-month mark, our marriage was already in serious trouble. We hadn’t had sex in all that time, adding to the two months prior to Brittany giving birth. And everything was my fault she would tell me, although I kept telling myself it’s just the PPD talking.
She had managed to go back to work, as well as going back to the gym again to help work her stress and anxiety out. The specialists assured us we were near the end. But by now, there was a total disconnect between us, she had already moved into the spare room a few months ago, not wanting to share a bed with me which again was put down to her PPD. We barely talked, when we did it was always only about the kids, who had to do what. It was like I was living with a housemate, not my wife.
I’d never felt more alone in all my life, and I knew Brittany had to be feeling the same way too. So, over the next three months I tried my best to rekindle some affection between us, I was patient at first but pushed a little harder when I got little response from her. By the end of those three months, I had all but given up. I was sure there was no saving us now as all of my attempts went unrewarded. There was still nothing, no intimacy, no affection, no loving embraces, no physical touching, no sex.
There was no blaming or hostility from Brittany towards me any longer at least, but we still struggled to have any conversation that didn’t only involve the kids. I tried to take her out on ‘date’ nights, or to the movies or to go away for a weekend, but she rejected those ideas each time. To me it felt like we’d fallen out of love with each other by this point. I’m sure I was going through my own form of depression, for the demise of my loving marriage, replaced with what now seemed like a child raising partnership only.
Getting divorced wasn’t an option, I wanted to raise my children and not be a part-time father. I was also still holding out hope that some day Brittany and I would somehow rediscover what we’d lost. At that point it felt very unlikely though.
So, I sought some intimacy elsewhere. I’m not proud of it, but after almost a year of not having any sex whatsoever, it was something I needed. Just to feel wanted again, to be sexually attractive to someone. Her name was Clara, she was a barmaid at one of the bar’s that I go to with some of the contractors we employed. We only slept together a handful of times, but that was enough for me to get some of my self-esteem back.
With Thomas having already turned one, I tried again to seek some affection from Brittany, and while she now at least feigned some interest in us having a relationship again, it felt superficial, like we were both trying to force something that simply wasn’t there. Brittany by now had well and truly fully recovered from her PPD, she also now expressed her sorrow for the state we found our marriage in. While it may not have seemed like it, she was adamant that she still loves me. I’m just not sure she was ‘in love’ with me still, there is a difference.