Brittany continued her silence, just watching me.
“I never brought anyone into our house to sleep with them, I never left you at home to look after our children while I went out to fuck them either. That never crossed my mind to do that to you.”
Brittany for the first time averted her gaze, looking down at the table for a few moments before looking back up at me. I continued in my steady, calm tone.
“It feels like you’re trying to rub it in, to make it clear to me that you’re fucking other guys, like you’re trying to emasculate me.”
“That was never my intention, not at all.” Brittany finally responded.
“Then what was it? How’d you think I’d feel when you get dressed up to go out to fuck some other guy while leaving me to sit at home on my own?”
“I’m so sorry Billy. I thought you were okay with it, that we had an understanding.”
“Make no mistake Brittany, the only reason I’ve slept with other women is because you won’t sleep with me. All I want, all I’ve ever wanted is for us to be together. I still do. Those other women, I always met them during the day, I was always discreet so that no-one would know what was going on. They were always married too, so that they would never want anything more from me than just sex. You go out publicly with your boyfriends, I’ve seen you out myself, I’m sure there are other people we know that have seen you too. It’s like you don’t care, like you want to embarrass me.”
“Oh god, I never meant for that. It’s just that, I needed to feel like they were courting me, that they were my boyfriend. I couldn’t just meet up with some guy and start sneaking off to a hotel room for sex. I couldn’t do it if that’s all it was.”
“Are the guys you’ve been with, that you wanted as boyfriends, have they been single or married?”
“They’ve all been single.”
“If what you want is a boyfriend, why not be with your husband who loves you? You know I’d wine and dine you, that I’d take you out and romance you. If it isn’t about the sex, I don’t understand why you don’t look to me to give you what you need.”
“I couldn’t. At first it was because I felt so guilty for what I was putting you through, blaming you for how I was feeling, for feeling like I was trapped, that I felt ugly and alone. By the time I was over my depression, I felt like I didn’t deserve you, I didn’t know how I could make it up to you for all the things I’d said. But that I also wasn’t in love with you anymore. And that just made me feel worse, like I was such a bad person, such a bad wife. Whenever you tried to show affection, it just brought out all those insecurities in me.”
I sat back, trying to take in what Brittany had just explained to me. The bar staff then brought over our burgers.
“Okay, I get the first year after Tommy was born, and the depression you were going through. But for two years since? Are you telling me that for the last two years you’ve had boyfriends not because you missed having sex, but because I made you feel bad?”
“No, kind of. Look, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the sex. I have been. But I’d never say you make me feel bad, more that I feel guilty, that I feel like it’s all my fault. That we should be a happy family, but because of me we’re dysfunctional. I don’t want to ever lose you though, you have to believe me.”
I sat there, slowly nodding back at my wife.
“So, you don’t want to lose me, but you don’t love me either. How is this going to work?”
“I do love you, you’re still my best friend, you’re a fantastic father. I just haven’t been in love with you since after Thomas was born. I know that sounds stupid.”
“No, I know what you mean. Do you think you can ever fall back in love with me though? Do you still want to?”
“Yes, more than anything I want to be in love with you. I’ve been trying to convince myself into being in love with you again for the last two years. It hasn’t worked though. That sort of thing tends to happen, or it doesn’t.”
We sat there silently eating our burgers for the next five minutes, drinking our beer. It gave me time to think. What’s been missing is that spark between us, like we all feel when you start to fall in love with someone. Kind of like that spark I felt looking into her eyes when I was watching her fucking.
Maybe that was it, maybe that’s the spark we needed.
“When you first saw me watching you last week, what was going through your mind?”
“Oh god, at first I was terrified, confused. I was worried about what you’d do. I could tell by the look on your face that you were just as confused as I was right then.”
“Yeah, I was. I was just trying to understand what was going on in front of me. How about after that?”
“Well, once I knew that you weren’t going to run in there and kill us both, oh god I can’t say this.”
“Brittany, keep going. It’s important.”
“But I feel so guilty just thinking about it. Talk about being a bad wife.”
“Keep going, please.”
“Alright.” Brittany let out a large sigh while nodding to me.
“I was turned on by it. By you watching me. I felt so bad, so naughty for what I was doing. But my god, it turned me on so much.”
“I know, I could tell.”
“I can’t explain it. I’ve never felt that kind of sexual rush before. I came straight away.”
“I remember. Then you started giving him encouragement, while looking directly into my eyes.”
“I was feeling such a rush at that point, I felt so nasty staring at you while telling him to keep fucking me. It made me cum again.”
“Yeah, then you begged him to cum inside of you. Without a condom.”
“I got him to get tested before. I wouldn’t have let him otherwise.”
“Good, but what I mean is, was it hot for you? You begging him to cum inside you like that.”
“Yeah. That was about as nasty as it gets. Begging him to cum in me while looking into your eyes. I’m so sorry if that hurt you, I was so deep in the moment right then, I couldn’t think straight.”
“How’d you feel when you first saw me watching you again today? I saw you smile.”
“I did. I have to admit I was so happy to see you there, watching me again.”
“Were you hoping that I’d show up?”
“Yes, very much.”
“Why?”
“Oh god, I can’t believe I’m saying this stuff to you.”
“Brittany, why? Why were you so happy to have me there watching you again?”
“Because the sex is so much better when you’re there. When you’re watching me. I can’t explain it, it’s just such a rush. I makes me feel so naughty, so sexual, both at the same time.”
“Is that it?”
“No. It’s because I get to share it with you. It’s the first time I’ve felt that connection with you since Tommy was born. It made me want you again.”
“That’s what I felt from you too. It’s almost like your boyfriend wasn’t even there.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t get him to leave fast enough when we were done. All I could think about was you.”
“Maybe we’ve found a way to get that spark back between us.”
“What? Having you watch me have sex with other men?”
I took the final mouthful of my beer.
“What have you got going on at work today? Can you take the rest of the afternoon off?”
“Yeah, what did you have in mind?”
“I want to take you home right now, I want to fuck you so bad.”
“So, you want to try being my boyfriend?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“What about watching me with my other boyfriends?”
“If that’s what it takes.”
Brittany quickly finished her beer, placing it down on the table.
“Billy, take me home. I want you more than ever right now.”
She then leaned over the table to kiss me hard on the lips, our first proper kiss in three long years.
This wasn’t exactly how I thought we would re-ignite the love in our marriage, but right now, this was working for us. Sometimes you just have to go with what works, even if it’s something you never imagined you’d be comfortable with before. I love my wife and she loves me, that’s all that really matters.
The End.