There is one thing that is niggling away at me though. I like being with Janice, spending time with her, being intimate with her. But if I was honest about our relationship as I had been with Vikki previously, I would come to the same conclusion. I’m just not in love with Janice. I want to be in love with her, believe me, but wanting and being are two different things.
So why am I prepared to continue the relationship with Janice where I felt compelled to end it with Vikki? Is it because Vikki placed more pressure on me by wanting to live together that forced me to act? I have also wondered if Janice senses my hesitancy to have us live together and has not forced the issue for that reason?
Or could it be possible that Janice enjoys where our relationship is right now and does not want to change or progress it either?
No, if I’m being honest, I am just being selfish. I would rather be in the relationship I have with Janice than to be in no relationship at all. How long Janice is prepared to accept that is then the question. And a part of me feels like an asshole for not giving her the honesty she deserves.
A few nights later I was at Janice’s place for a dinner she had cooked. It had been a long day at work, no, a very frustrating day at work. It was only 8pm but I was tired, however the smell of a rich sauce emanating from the kitchen was beginning to wake me up a little.
Janice brought out the food and we poured a glass of wine and began to enjoy the meal. Janice could tell my thoughts were generally elsewhere and my contribution to the conversation was limited.
“So, issues at work today?”
“Yes, a few. It was one of those days that sets you back a few weeks.”
“Want to talk about it?”
“No, I have thought about it too much already, rehashing it now won’t help me.”
Janice was quiet after my less than enthusiastic response to her offer of help. I figured I needed to change the subject.
“Are we still all set for my Birthday tomorrow? Are you prepared to tell me what you have planned yet?”
“Yes, everything is ready. You just need to pick me up here at 7:30. Dress up for me please, and please don’t be late.”
“Okay, I will make sure I do that.”
I am thinking she has a booking at a very nice restaurant, one that requires a high standard of dress code. Should be a good night.
“You know my birthday is not far away either Greg, I’ll be turning thirty.”
“It’s a big day, maybe I need to start planning now for you.”
“There are a few things you could give me for my Thirtieth.”
“And what would they be?”
Janice picked up her glass of wine and had a sip, as if drawing out the suspense for her answer.
“I’m not sure we’re ready to have that conversation just yet.”
“Better not wait too long, you will be thirty before you know it.”
The look Janice gave then was not a loving one. Oops. I probably just made light of something that is a bit more serious for Janice.
“Look Janice, whenever you are ready to have that conversation, I will be waiting, just say the word.”
“It’s not me that isn’t ready for the conversation I want to have.”
“Are you saying I’m the one that’s not ready?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, what conversation about your thirtieth birthday gift would it be that I’m not ready for?”
Janice took another sip of her wine, she is stalling, no, I think she’s nervous. Janice is nervous of how I might react to her answer. What is it that she wants for her birthday that she is nervous to tell me?
“Commitment.”
I kept my gaze on Janice, trying to take in what she just said. The one thing I would struggle to give her and she knew it.
“And what type of commitment are you looking for on your birthday?”
“There are a few types, I’m hoping you would be ready to give me at least one of them.”
Janice saw the bewilderment in my face, I’m trying to think what sort of commitment she was after that I could provide by her birthday to make her happy.
“Greg, the reason I’m asking for some sort of commitment is yes, I’m turning thirty. I have plans for my life, and I need some sign from you that you want to be a part of that.”
“What plans exactly Janice? I can’t commit to them if I don’t know what they are.”
“Oh come on Greg, mine are the same as every woman’s. I want to live together with the man I love, I want to get married, I want to have children. We’ve been together for six months now. Pick one.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer her, she called my bluff and now I felt like I was sitting here naked. She was forcing me to give her the honesty she deserves but that I have been avoiding.
“Can I at least think about it?”
“Of course, but no matter the decision I want you to be truthful with me Greg. The last thing I want is for you to commit to me out of some sort of perceived obligation. It should be because you love me, and you want to be with me.”
“Alright, just give me a few days, okay?”
Janice quietly nodded a yes, it was clear she had been holding this in for a little while and no doubt had been hoping that I would have shown more commitment to our relationship by now.
What was annoying me was why I hadn’t committed to Janice already. She is everything I want in a partner, beautiful, smart, strong, loving, witty, I could keep going. I want to be in love with this woman. So why don’t I love her? What is stopping me?
We sat in silence finishing our meal. When we were done I started to clear the plates away. Janice sat there deep in thought, it was clear she was not happy about having to bring this to a decision. I walked up behind her and began to massage her neck and shoulders, her body felt tight. This was giving her stress no doubt. After a while I leaned forward and kissed her cheek.
“Would you like me to stay tonight?”
“Yes.”
I took her hand and lead her to the bedroom.
————–
The next day in the office I was surprised to see John there, he was here doing one of the company’s HR regulatory courses, so I texted him to make sure we could have lunch together. I met him in the burger joint next door, and we sat down with our burgers and oversized sodas.
“Happy Birthday old man!”
“Who are you calling old? You’re two months older than me.”
“Yeah, but I look younger and that’s what counts.”
“Whatever, how’s the course going?”
“You know, usual HR shit.”
“How’s the married life treating you?”
“Good, the little woman is wearing me out though. I thought people were supposed to have less sex after they get married.”
“It must be a real problem for you huh?”
“How’s Janice?”
John could see me deflate a little with that question.
“Out with it Greg.”
“Alright, she kind of hit me with the commit to me or else ultimatum last night.”
John didn’t respond, he just looked over at me while taking a bite of his burger. When he finished chewing he responded.
“What are going to do?”
“I don’t know. We are having a romantic dinner tonight for my birthday. I was hoping I would be able to tell her something during dinner.”
“What is it she’s looking for?”
“Us living together, marriage, and kids. Probably in that order.”
“And you don’t want to move in with Janice because? I’m not seeing what the issue is here Greg.”