“Because I’m not in love with Janice.”
“Really? You could have fooled me.”
“I mean I like her a lot. I care for her, I enjoy being with her and we get on very well together.”
“What exactly is it that you call love then?”
I took a big sip on my soda thinking how to answer that one.
“I guess what I had with Katie. I want it to be like that.”
John let out a large sigh and shook his head. Then took another bite of his burger.
“You know I love Shani like crazy right? She means everything to me.”
“Yeah of course John, you two are great together.”
“When we were first started dating we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, doing silly romantic shit all the time.”
I took a bite of my burger this time and continued to listen.
“I mean we still do some romantic shit now but nowhere near as much, but that’s fine.”
John continued as I kept eating.
“My point is, I don’t think even at the beginning were we as into each other as you and Katie were the entire time you were together. That’s a pretty high fucking bar you have set for yourself.”
I stopped eating and looked over at John. I wasn’t sure what to say to that.
“Look if you’re going to throw away every relationship you have because they don’t meet up to what you had with Katie, you’re going to be alone. A lot.”
“You think I should move in with Janice even though I don’t love her the way I loved Katie?”
John took the last bite of his burger and chewed. Then a mouthful of his soda.
“You should have been talking to Shani about this shit, she’d know what to say to you.”
“No doubt.”
“Look Greg, I will say one more thing then leave it to you, okay?”
I nodded back as I finished my burger.
“Remember that night at my place, you had just broke up with Katie that day?”
“Yeah, I remember a lot of alcohol.”
“Yeah, there was also the part where spent twenty minutes calling Katie a cheating whore, a hateful bitch, and on and on.”
“Yeah, me at my finest hour.”
“But the important part I remember Greg, is where told my that you could never love another woman like you did Katie, that you were done.”
I sat there thinking about it, did I still believe that almost three years later?
“So Greg, are you done? You will probably only ever love Katie like the way you loved Katie. So unless you and her are getting back together, you’re just going to keep sabotaging anything you have going with anyone else.”
Fuck, for an oaf of a man he always seems to have a pretty good insight to what I’m thinking, sometimes before I think it. I just nodded at John accepting what he had just said.
“Anyway, it’s your birthday. I’m sure Janice will give you a pass tonight so you two can enjoy yourselves. Maybe you should talk to Shani about it all tomorrow.”
“Yeah sounds good. We better head back.”
I arrived at Janice’s place five minutes early just to be on the safe side. I buzzed her apartment and she let me in. I was dressed to impress and ready for my birthday dinner.
As I stood waiting for the elevator, I started to think about what I had been going over in my mind all afternoon since my lunch with John. Was he right? Was I being stupid comparing my relationships with both Vikki and now Janice to what I had with Katie? Was I being unrealistic to think I could love someone again as much as I had Katie?
The elevator arrived and I stepped inside. The only real question I had to answer to myself is do I need to be able to love Janice as much as I had loved Katie?
If the answer is no, we can move forward and I might be happy. If the answer is yes, well then I am just wasting Janice’s time. Deep down I already knew what the answer was. Janice met me at her apartment door, she looked stunning. She leant in and gave me a warm kiss.
“Happy birthday Greg.”
“Thanks Janice, you look gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous!”
“Why thank you, we better get going. We have a booking at a very nice restaurant for 8pm.”
We went downstairs and hailed a cab. Janice gave the driver the street address.
“Which restaurant or are you still keeping it a secret?”
“We will be there in a few minutes, It’s a very nice restaurant called Margarette’s.”
Oh shit. The very same restaurant I proposed to Katie in. The same restaurant we always went to for our birthdays and wedding anniversaries. This is going to fuck my entire evening.
We arrived and got seated, at least the booking wasn’t for the same table in the back corner I always shared with Katie. That would have been a too much. We ordered a bottle of champagne to start things off and chatted about our day. I mentioned that I had lunch with John and she told me about her latest project.
We then ordered our meals and continued to chat. It was nice, Janice makes it easy to talk about whatever topic, but in the back of my mind I was thinking about when to talk about what we both really wanted to discuss.
Our meals arrived and we began to eat. The more I got through the meal the more I knew I needed to discuss our relationship, that I needed to tell Janice how I felt. We ordered two glasses of wine once we had finished our meal. So far it had been a pleasant birthday.
“Your birthday is not quite done yet Greg, I still have a birthday present to give you back at the apartment.”
I gave Janice a knowing smile, it was obvious she was the present I could unwrap in the bedroom.
“Can we discuss what we spoke about last night?”
“We don’t have to discuss that tonight. Tonight is just for you.”
“I know, and this has been very nice so far, thank you.”
“The food here is great, I’ve never been here before but we might have to start coming back.”
“Yeah, this place always has great food.”
“Have you been here before?”
“Well, yes. I guess that’s part of why I wanted to talk to you about us.”
Janice looked at me quizzically, probably wondering what me having been here before has to do with our relationship.
“See the corner table over there?” As I nodded to the table that was always Katie and my table.
Janice looked over, looked at the table and the couple sitting at the table eating.
“That is the table where I proposed to my ex-wife Katie.”
Janice looked back at me with a look of surprise on her face.
“Each year we would come here for our birthday’s, valentine’s day and wedding anniversaries and sit at that table.”
“I’m sorry Greg, I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay Janice, I’m not upset about that.”
“We can leave if you like Greg, continue this back at my apartment.”
“No, I have been going over this since we spoke last night and I can’t keep putting this off.”
Janice broke eye contact with me, looking away. I think she was fearing the worst.
“I like being with you Janice, you make me feel special, loved.”
Janice looked back at me, her strength of perception was no doubt telling her there was a ‘but’ coming.
“I understand why you want some commitment from me, wanting to share our lives together. A big part of me wants to give that to you. I am finding it hard though because I can’t give you the kind of love that you deserve.”
This time I broke eye contact and looked down at the table. Then as is if drawn to it, I looked over to the table in the corner, Katie’s table. Janice remained silent.