“Oh Jesus Christ Katie. It would have been my relationship with Vikki. I broke up with Vikki because I am still in love with Katie, meanwhile Katie is trying to overdose on sleeping pills because I was seeing Vikki. What a fucked-up mess.”
Oh shit, I just told Beth I was still in love with her daughter.
“I’m guessing her third attempt was probably about six months ago when I started seeing Janice?”
“Around that time yes. She had come home from being out with her friends, she was crying and cursing at you quite a bit. About an hour later I heard a thud on the floor and found her in her bedroom, she had slid off the bed after taking the tablets. I was able to get her to induce vomiting straight away. A few days later she told me it was because you were seeing someone.”
“This must have been hard on you Beth.”
“It has been, constantly watching out for my daughter wondering if and when she will try it again. If the next time I don’t hear her fall off the bed, or don’t find the pills she has hidden away, the worst is when I go to work and she is at home with all the time to do it properly.”
“But most of the time she seems to cope quite well, even happy occasionally. It’s just those times when she gets in that slump, or something triggers her depression. But it’s always having to be on guard you know. It’s tiring, constantly worrying.”
“I’m sorry Beth, you shouldn’t be having to deal with all of this.”
“I’m her mom, that’s my job.”
We sat there silent for a few minutes listening to the fireplace crackle away.
“You said before you are still in love with Katie. Is that true Greg? Are you still in love with her?”
“Yes. I never stopped loving her. I’ve wanted to stop, I really did. It’s just, I don’t know how.”
“Are you still seeing your current girlfriend?”
“No. Again the irony. We broke up last night at my birthday dinner. Janice was wanting me to commit to our relationship. She wanted us to live together, to get married and start a family.”
“I’m sorry to hear that Greg.”
“The reason I couldn’t commit to her was because I still loved Katie. I could not do that to Janice, she deserves better.”
Beth just nodded in agreement.
Then I shook my head and started laughing which I’m sure caught Beth off guard considering the conversation we were having.
“Janice wanted to do something special for my birthday last night so she booked a table at a fancy restaurant but wouldn’t tell me where we were going as a surprise. Meanwhile I was trying to figure out how I was going to tell her over dinner that I’m still in love with my ex-wife. The surprise restaurant was Margarette’s”
Even Beth laughed at that and covered her mouth embarrassed.
“Oh my god, you were not joking about the irony. I’m sorry, for you and for Janice.”
Just then the front door opened and Katie walked in, then instantly froze when she laid eyes on me sitting on the couch. Even still wrapped in her winter coat with a hoodie covering her hair, just seeing her beautiful face with those eyes felt like it made my heart stop.
“You’re back early Katie, you weren’t meant to be back until after lunch.”
“It began to sleet at the markets Mom, so Skye dropped me home.”
Katie was still looking into my eyes, still frozen where she stood.
“Well don’t just stand there getting the floor wet, hang up your jacket and take those wet boots off.”
Katie did as her mom asked, then pulled her hair back and fixed her top before joining us in the lounge room. Three years may have past, but Katie looked exactly how I remembered her. And still able to take my breath away without even trying.
I was not sure I was ready for this, just being in the same room as Katie was bringing up all sorts of emotions, with feelings of anger, betrayal, rejection, but also love, desire, and protection all rolled into one very confusing ball.
“Greg came over to talk with me Katie, just to catch up and check how you were.”
Katie sat down on the couch across from me, somehow even her body posture lacked the confidence and energy I was used to with Katie. Now she seemed almost timid. Afraid.
“Hi Greg, it’s good to see you.”
“Hi Katie, you look well, just like I remembered you.”
“So do you, you haven’t aged a day.”
“Thanks, I feel like I have though, quite a few days.”
“Happy birthday. For yesterday.”
“Thanks Katie.”
Then Beth rose up from her chair.
“I am going to start making something for lunch, will you be staying for lunch Greg?”
I looked over at Katie and I could see the expression on her face, willing me to say yes.
“I could never say no to you Beth.”
“Good, then I will leave you two to catch up a bit, I’m sure you have plenty to talk about.”
Once Beth had left the room, I looked back over to Katie, I was trying my best to keep all of my emotions in check. It was then I noticed that Katie was still wearing her wedding ring. Our wedding ring. I was not sure how I felt about that. For the last three years I have tried, struggled and failed to move on, it was very clear that Katie had not been able to either or was not willing to.
“I heard Shani and John got married. How is John?”
“He’s good, he hasn’t changed at all, except that Shani now has him wrapped around her little finger.”
“I like Shani, she was the only one that wasn’t a bitch…”
I could see Katie stop mid-sentence trying to catch herself from talking about what happened between us.
“Yeah she’s great. She’s now kind of like the sister I never had. Just this morning she told me I needed to talk with you and Beth.”
“Really, Shani did that?”
“Yeah, not all your friends are like Rachel and Simone.”
“I’m not friends with them anymore. Just Skye and Jane. I’ve seen Shani out a couple times with them too.”
“Do you go out much? Still like dancing?”
“No. it doesn’t interest me.”
Katie loves to dance, those nights at the clubs she would spend nearly all of it on the dance floor. It was sad for me to see that a big spark seems to have gone missing from her. Like her inner fire has been put out.
“Your mom told me your working part time now, any plans for going back to full time?”
“Hopefully one day, I’m not sure if I’m ready yet.”
“Are you still at Slater’s?”
“Yep, doing well. I’m not the lead engineer yet but I’m working on it.”
“I heard you’re seeing someone. Is she nice?”
‘We broke up last night. And yes, she was nice.”
Katie then looked at the fireplace, I could see her fidget in her seat. She looked as uncomfortable with this conversation as I was. There were things that both Katie and I no doubt wanted to say but right then neither of us had the courage to voice them.
As if just in time to save us from ourselves, Beth walked back into the lounge room and told us lunch was ready. We both got up and followed her into the dining room. We sat down and put some food on our plates, it was uncomfortably quiet.
Beth picked up on our unwillingness to talk and decided to get the ball rolling.
“You know Greg, when my husband William died, we had just bought this house, Katie was almost two, we had good friends, good jobs, we were planning on giving Katie a brother or a sister, we were so happy in that moment of time. Then a random accident and he was gone. It felt like that accident took my life with it.”