I sat at the dining table and gestured for her to join me.
“Jess, I need to talk to you about where we stand,” I began. She tensed up immediately in response to my comment and I could see that she wanted to avoid this conversation as she had so many times before.
“I’ve raised numerous times that I don’t understand why there is so much distance between us,” I continued. “You haven’t wanted my touch in years and we barely talk anymore, except when it is about Christine.”
“Our lives have changed, Alex.” She retorted testily. “We have different responsibilities now.”
I felt myself responding unconsciously to her annoyance. I took a slow deep breath to calm myself and continued. “I don’t want to re-prosecute the same arguments, Jess. I know your feelings have changed and we can’t go backwards. But I can’t live like this anymore.”
Her eyes met mine. “What are you saying?”
“We haven’t been a couple for years. We both need to move on with our lives.” I answered.
“You want a divorce?” She asked quietly.
“Yes,” I answered simply.
Her expression changed as her anger rose. “You are tossing aside your family so you can fuck that little slut!” She spat at me venomously.
“What?” I asked shocked.
“I know you have been fucking her.” Her quiet tone belying the mounting anger in her voice. She pulled out her phone and searched through the apps.
Suddenly the room filled with the sound of Chloe’s muted moans and Jess turned the phone around showing me a video of Chloe and I in an all too familiar compromising position in my office. But Jess didn’t give me time for the shock to register.
“Is this what you wanted?” She seethed.
But I wasn’t going to be cowered by her revelation.
“I am sorry that it has happened like this. I should have told you I wanted to leave before meeting Chloe.” I began. “But you are the one who pulled away. You haven’t touched me in years. You barely acknowledge me when I’m home. You sleep in our daughter’s bed. I have tried countless times over the years to reach out to you but you always dismissed that there was anything wrong. At some point you succeeded and I stopped seeing us as a couple. I don’t really know you anymore and I’m certainly not a part of your life.”
“I have a daughter to look after. I’m sorry that I don’t spread my legs enough for you when she goes to bed!” Jess answered bitterly.
“We raised Christine and I never treated you like that so drop the histrionics,” I countered angrily. “Plenty of people raise a child and still have a healthy relationship. You just lost interest in that but you weren’t willing to walk away from your lifestyle. Don’t make out that I treated you like a whore. It would have been a lousy investment.”
“Fuck you, Alex.” She yelled. I saw the hatred in her eyes in that moment and I wondered how it had ever come to this. We had both behaved poorly and I was ashamed of my last comment the moment it left my lips. There was just too much water under the bridge.
I buried my head in my hands momentarily to draw my scattered thoughts together. Looking up, I whispered, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to go over old ground anymore. I gave up trying to fix this some time ago.”
Jess went silent as she stared off into space. Thankfully, the video had ended.
“I will move out in a few days,” I offered. “But we need to talk to Christine together first. You are entitled to half of everything and you don’t have anything to fear on that score. We can sort the details out together later or you can get some advice and then we can talk.”
When there was no further response, I stood up and headed to my bedroom.
The chat with Christine was as hard as I imagined. She was confused and upset at the thought of her parents splitting up. Even though she had friends whose parents had separated, I guess like all kids, she didn’t think it would ever happen to her. There were tears, but in one of our finer moments, both Jess and I parked the tension between us and were present as a united front for our daughter.
I moved out three days later into a small apartment near work. It was basic, but it had a separate kitchen and living area and would serve its purpose while I hunted for a more permanent arrangement.
With the massive upheaval to my family life and living arrangements, not to mention finalisation of the awards presentation, I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Chloe. To say the last few weeks had been tough, was a huge understatement, but for the first time in a long time, I was excited by the possibilities that lay ahead.
I called her under the guise of talking about the presentation. I would be appearing before the judging panel in three days and there were still a number of aspects of our concept art and photos to finalise. I couldn’t help but smile as she walked me through her preparations to ensure we would be ready in time.
“I haven’t thanked you properly for submitting the nomination,” I changed direction as she finished her discussion of her next steps. “Your confidence in me and the company means more than you know.”
“You deserve recognition for your work, Alex.” She said honestly. “It was time that you got this exposure.”
“Well, no matter how the presentation goes on Friday, I would like to buy you a drink to thank you for everything you’ve done. Not just for the presentation, but for all the work you’ve put into building the business.” I stated honestly.
There was a long pause at the other end of the line.
“Is this about work?” She probed hesitantly.
“I meant what I said, Chloe.” I began. “You have been the driving force behind all the progress we’ve made in the past year. When I lost Stephen, I thought we were going to struggle to continue with the work we had on. But he would be the first to admit that he couldn’t have taken us in the direction that you have. The expansion into the commercial operations wouldn’t have happened without you. The changes to the way that the team works and the growth in the profile of the company were all you. You’ve become the most important person to the business……and to me.”
I paused for a moment before continuing. “But there have been some other changes going on that aren’t about work and I wanted to talk to you about that as well. I understand if you would prefer not to, given what has happened. And perhaps you’ve moved on in the past six months. But I hope you will give me a chance to say some things that I think need to be said.”
“OK Alex.” Chloe responded.
I didn’t want to say any more over the phone so I told her we would talk later. Chloe hadn’t shut me down, but neither had she indicated that she wanted to continue to see me outside of work. The past six months had been difficult for many reasons. But, on reflection, I was struck by how much our forced separation had impacted me. Sure, I knew that this wasn’t just a fling, but my efforts to distract myself through total immersion in my work had not succeeded. I felt her absence acutely. I missed her smile and her touch. I wanted desperately to be able to be with her and not hide her from everyone we knew. Put simply, I knew now with absolute clarity that I was in love with her.