Note to readers:
Thanks to everyone who posted comments, voted or emailed me with feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I have tried to incorporate that advice in the second chapter of the story. A few people indicated that the story was too long and detailed. I completely understand that perspective. In retrospect, I should have posted a short preamble on the first chapter to sign post the story. I tend to write the types of stories that I would like to read. I have a strong preference for stories where the characters and storyline are more fully developed, believable and it doesn’t feel like the author is just scrambling to get to the juicy bits. For these reasons I don’t tend to write stories that run 2-3 pages. That said, I have heeded advice on the level of detail. This story can’t be read as a stand-alone, so if you haven’t read the first chapter, I encourage you to give it a go first. All the best, Ozscribe.
Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Helen Keller
I realised with sudden clarity that I had spent the past several years walking away from myself. The feeling of Chloe’s touch, seeing the desire that she had for me, listening to her cry out as I brought her to climax, were needs that I had learned to suppress. I hadn’t extinguished them altogether, but controlled them enough to make a life with Jessica bearable. I did it for a marriage that had no possibility of being salvaged and for a daughter who was too young to understand what I sacrificed. It had hurt me in ways that I am still trying to understand. But once Chloe had reawakened those desires in me there was never going to be any turning back.
Ironically, when I saw the light on in the work area outside my office – a giant fishbowl where I had just, very vocally, inseminated my young female staff member – my immediate concern was the risk discovery posed to the toxic existence I called a marriage. This reaction had little to do with a desire to salvage my relationship with my wife, but was grounded more in concern for my daughter, Christine, and the home I had painstakingly built. Why then had I taken such a brash risk with being discovered? While opportunity and temptation had certainly played their part, I must confess that I found the risk of getting caught in the act to be something of an aphrodisiac. Moreover, in my brief time with Chloe, I could tell that she suffered the same affliction. That said, I had no interest in handing out ringside tickets to the main event. I certainly did not want to become a cliche in the office as the married, middle-aged male boss nailing his stunning, younger employee.
Our apparent discovery by a workmate totally deflated my mood, but it left Chloe looking shell-shocked. The flush in her cheeks from our earlier exertions had bled away leaving behind a ghostly pallor. She looked physically ill as she hurriedly pulled on her clothes. My attempts to talk were brushed aside in her haste to leave the site of her apparent humiliation.
I was caught off-guard by her sudden change in mood. I could still feel Chloe’s touch on my skin. The echo of her moans seemed to fill the vacant space. She had lifted away the fog and shown me what I had missed. However, the years watching the void grow between my wife and I had imprinted themselves on me and seeing Chloe now withdrawing following our discovery was causing a pavlovian response. I felt the corrosive self-doubt and frustration return.
Sliding on her shoes, Chloe turned to me, concern etched on her pretty face.
“I have to go,” she finally uttered and then abruptly turned and left. I sat there on the edge of my desk and collected my thoughts, shaken more by Chloe’s actions than by the thought of having been seen by someone else. I was frustrated that the night had ended as it had. In so many ways it had been a watershed moment for me.
As I lay in bed that night I agonised over whether to text Chloe. I had been wrestling with it for over an hour when I heard the telltale tone from my phone that told me that I had received a text. The message from Chloe was brief. “I’m sorry I left like that,” she wrote.
“Can we talk?” I quickly responded.
“Not tonight, Alex,” she typed back after a short pause. “I need to get a few things straight first.”
Deflated, I bid her a good night. It would be hours before I fell into a troubled sleep.
The following Monday in the office was an uncomfortable experience. Each time one of my staff walked in to talk to me I wondered if they had been the one to see Chloe and I in my office. Yet no one came forward. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised as it would be a difficult subject to broach. But it was unsettling not knowing who had seen us or whether others would come to learn of our dalliance. I could see the anxiety etched in Chloe’s face. She looked like she hadn’t slept and she avoided making eye contact with me as she buried herself in her work. Annie was talking to me about her selection of fascia for a housing project that she was leading, but I barely heard a word, preoccupied as I was.
I wanted to call Chloe into my office so that we could talk, but it was clear that she wasn’t ready for that. I resolved to give her the space she needed, in spite of how anxious I was to talk. But by the end of the day as I sat tensely in my car in traffic, I began to question whether I could continue without confronting the issue head on. I just wasn’t good at letting problems fester.
Finally, about five minutes away from home, I pulled the car to the side of the road and took out my phone.
“Chloe, we really need to talk,” I typed quickly.
There was a long, unnerving pause. Finally, a single word flashed up, “OK.”
I pressed the phone icon next to her name and waited for her to pick up.
Her greeting was subdued.
“Chloe, I’m really sorry this happened,” I began. “Are we OK?”
Another long pause followed.
“Is it really over with Jess? She enquired timidly.
“You know it is,” I replied a little taken aback. I thought she trusted me and it stung that she now questioned what I had shared with her about my marriage.
“Are you going to leave her?” She responded, the subtlest lilt to her voice betraying the anxiety which lay beneath the calm facade.
It was a remarkably simple question. In retrospect, I should have anticipated it. But I hadn’t. I had been so absorbed in my own concerns that I hadn’t really given any consideration to how our ‘arrangement’ would impact Chloe. The fact that she had initiated our complicated relationship and had thrown herself so willingly into her pursuit of me had led me to assume that she was comfortable with our current circumstances. But on reflection, Chloe had only shared her feelings with me after I confided in her that my marriage was over. Besides, deep down I knew that she wasn’t the kind of girl who would settle for waiting in the wings for seconds from a married man who didn’t value her. She was too intelligent and accomplished to ever allow her worth to be demeaned in that way.
The great irony of the situation was that I didn’t see Chloe as “the other woman”. I knew I was falling for her and I didn’t consider myself married. I had no relationship with Jess. We were total strangers. I felt that I was trapped in a complicated living arrangement that was about preserving my contact with my daughter and holding onto the business I had spent so long building.
However, to those around me, I was a dutiful father and husband. I was expecting Chloe to maintain our secret tryst in the interests of preserving this lie. It wasn’t fair to her.
I knew I wanted to be with her. She was caring, demonstratively affectionate in a way that Jess had never been, funny, intelligent and stunningly beautiful. Her absence made me feel the loneliness more acutely. But was I prepared to throw my life into complete disarray to be with her? Could I do it to my young daughter?
However, as quickly as the thought had occurred to me, I realised that I was coming at this the wrong way. I couldn’t be assessing whether I should separate from Jess based on how much I wanted to be with Chloe. If I made this call, it had to be because I needed to move on with my life. I also couldn’t foist this mess, or the consequences that would surely follow, onto Chloe.
“Are you there?” Chloe interjected, making me realise I had been silent for some time now.
“Chloe, I’m sorry that I haven’t been more thoughtful about how this situation is affecting you,” I began. “It all happened so fast I haven’t really thought through where things go from here.”
I tried to collect my scattered thoughts and make some sense of all of it.
“I haven’t lied to you. My relationship with Jess has been over a long time. But, the truth is I wasn’t expecting someone to come into my life and I haven’t thought through how I take the next step. None of this is your problem and I get that it is totally unfair on you. But, if I leave Jess, I will lose the house, I may have to contest custody of Christine and I could lose control of the business. I know it must seem like a cop-out, but the decision isn’t as straightforward as it seems.” I continued.
“I know, Alex,” Chloe replied sombrely.
“Chloe, I’m not trying to string you along and I don’t see this as some fling. You mean more to me than you realise and I don’t want to lose you.” I confessed. “But to come out in the open is a decision that will have a huge impact on my daughter and my staff as well as you, Jess and I.”
I felt defeated. I couldn’t find a solution and I could see that my newfound happiness would be short-lived.
The drawn out silence on the other end of the line made clear that the ball was in my court. I ran my fingers through my hair.
“Perhaps it would be better if we pause things for a while until I resolve what I do about my situation and then we can work out where we take this once we have clear air.” I suggested, resigned to the fact it was the only reasonable course of action.