“Stop scaring her,” the wife teased, before offering me a warm smile. “She’s just one of those nosey ladies. You know the sort? Like those soccer moms that are always barking at their kids from the touchline. You just have to know how to deal with her is all.” She nodded her head towards her husband. “She’s been a lot nicer since we’ve had her around for dinner a few times, and especially since hubby changed the flat on her car.”
“Under much duress,” he said with a sigh, “while being told I was doing it wrong the whole time.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I didn’t even get a thank you from her afterwards.”
I let out an awkward chuckle. “Is it bad that I’m already terrified of her? She sounds unbearable.”
“Look what you’ve done,” the wife said while pinching her husband’s arm. “You’ve gone and petrified the poor girl.”
“Just telling her how things are.” He put on an obviously fake smile. “This is a nice community and most people are lovely, but there’s just one bad apple is all.”
With that, the wife gave a final roll of her eyes, and they continued removing all of the groceries from the back of the SUV. I made my way back inside, many thoughts swirling around my head. I even took a quick look over all the papers I’d signed, but could make no sense of it. Surely, they were exaggerating. They sounded all jokey, yet, there was a lingering sense of dread creeping up on me. What if this Carol was actually going to be a pain in my ass?
Over the next few days, I gradually started getting really settled into my new place. With the help of my mother, I picked out a load of furniture from IKEA and I’d even taken a few days off work so that I could assemble it all and have my house starting to look more like a home. It was tiring work, but the end result was definitely worth it, and by the weekend, I was even able to move onto the garden and begin giving it my own personal spin. Despite the concerns of my neighbours, I pushed on, figuring they were making a mountain out of a molehill, and if this Carol did rear her head, I’d simply explain that I was just giving my yard a bit of personality. I mean, no one wanted to live in a boring abode, did they? It would bring a real feeling of spirit to have flowers, garden decorations and the like, wouldn’t it?
When I’d bought the home, I’d stopped outside the show house and marvelled at how wonderful the garden was. There were so many flowers and trees, along with various ornaments that really made the home pop. There was even a pond with fish. I wanted a similar, welcoming vision for my own yard, and I got down and dirty, digging up plots over the weekend so that I could lay a load of flowers that would hopefully bloom by the spring.
What I found rather bizarre though, was on a few occasions, while I was down and planting various bulbs and seeds, a few of my new neighbours passed by and struck up conversations. It was nice to get to know everyone, however, quite concerning was the repeated theme being raised about that woman called Carol. I heard a lot about Carol that weekend, with some odd questions, like whether I’d checked with Carol before starting work on my yard, or if I didn’t think I was going to have a problem with Carol? I brushed the questions away, as after all, I was planting a few flowers, not assembling a national park. Sure, my choice of garden wouldn’t be to everyone’s tastes but it was my garden, so frankly, I didn’t care what anyone else thought. This Carol could stick her nose in, if she wanted, and I’d be polite in response. Polite, but most definitely firm that I’d paid for this place, and therefore, I would do whatever I liked.
Once I’d planted all of the flowery arrangements that I wanted, I moved onto some of the garden furniture, having a table and chairs delivered as well as a BBQ and a load of coal. My plan had always been to throw a kind of housewarming party, where I’d invite some family, friends and colleagues from work. I’d envisioned a cook-out in the garden where we could all relax and I could play host, while everyone celebrated this important step in my life.
Upon delivery of the BBQ, my immediate neighbour, the husband of that lovely couple, came over with a look of concern. “Jodie, have you run that by Carol?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes, as we had built up a bit of a rapport by this point about this fabled Carol. “Run what, Joe? Do I need Carol’s approval to sit in my own yard?”
He bit his lip and nodded towards the BBQ.
“It’s just to cook some burgers and sausages? Why’s that a problem? I’ll keep it clean. You going to try and tell me that eating goes against the rules here?”
Joe held his hands up in surrender. “I’m not saying it’s right, but she’s totally going to get you on that.”
“What do you mean?” I was utterly perplexed. “That’s just a normal garden feature. Everyone has them.”
“Everyone doesn’t have Carol as a thorn in their side.” He wafted his hand in the air. “She’s totally going to make up some bull about environmental pollution or the like. She did the same thing when we had air con fitted, even had some guy come out with a decibel reader to check we weren’t destroying the peaceful harmony of the community.”
I grimaced towards the BBQ. “Well, there will be smoke, yes. It’s not like I’ll be using it often. Just for a housewarming party.”
“A party?” He blinked rapidly and shook his head. “I thought you were joking about that. That’ll be interesting.” He took a deep breath, before scratching his chin in thought. “Don’t be surprised if she shows up outside your house wearing all white and claiming the smoke ruined her clothes.”
I spluttered at the joke, but then became serious as I realised I was the only one laughing. “She wouldn’t…she’s not that bad, is she?”
“She’s a nightmare. Trust me. She sticks her nose in our business and makes all of our homes her problem.”
“Well, if she says anything, I’m just going to ignore her. It’s my home, not hers.”
He looked unconvinced. “Well, good luck,” he said, before whispering under his breath as he turned away, “You’re going to need it.”
I shrugged, and continued unpacking and assembling the BBQ in my yard. It was a bit fidgety, and the instructions left a lot to be desired, but eventually, with pride, I had the whole thing put together. I stood with hands on hips and marvelled at my creation. The party was going to be awesome, and I was already picturing everyone mingling and having a good time.
“What’s all this?” came a shrill, almost shrieking-like voice. Such was the grating, banshee squeal of it, that I instinctively flinched as if a seagull was about to dive-bomb me. I couldn’t even tell where the annoying wail had come from. I frantically looked around, in search of whoever had yelled at me in that way; even considering that perhaps it was my neighbour playing a joke on me. “What’s with all of these bags on your drive? Is that coal?” came another shriek, and I winced under the ferocity of the question.
I took a step towards the driveway, and a figure came into view, previously hidden behind the lone tree in the corner of my yard. “Can I help you?” I asked tentatively while I approached.
There was a woman stood peering over my fence, wearing a matching cream tracksuit and sneakers, along with a baseball cap, where her blonde ponytail had been threaded through the back. She was wearing a pair of glasses, and from the wrinkles around her eyes, I could make out that she was likely middle-aged. “Who said you could have one of those in your yard?”
“Excuse me?” I asked while squinting, before turning around and surveying my yard. “One of what?”
“Those!” She gritted her teeth, before pointing violently at my recently assembled BBQ. “You’re not thinking of lighting that thing, are you?”
I turned back to her, and waited for her to begin laughing and admit that I was the butt of some community joke. However, she just thrusted her finger at the BBQ once more. “How is that any of your business?” I asked, growing tired of her shenanigans. “What I do in my own home is up to me.”
Her eyes narrowed behind her glasses. “I guess you’re not up to speed on things? I’m the president of the–”
“Oh, I see.” I rolled my eyes, crossed my arms and tapped my foot. “You’re the neighbourhood Karen I’ve been hearing about, right?” I cocked my head. “The one who thinks she has the right to tell everyone how to live their lives?” I’d seen enough videos on Tik Tok and Instagram to know the correct way to deal with a Karen and her ridiculous, childish behaviour. A pinch of salt and a bout of mockery seemed the best ointment to their gnat-like presence.
I noticed the skin tighten in her face as her lips dropped to a frown. “What did you call me?”
“Nothing,” I said with a roll of my eyes, slightly amused that labelling her had somewhat rattled her composure. “Anyway, I need to get all of this set up.”
“Why do you need to get it set up?” Her head bobbed back and forth like an ill-tempered chicken. “What are you planning?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Are you having a BBQ?” she asked, looking around aghast.
“Not that it’s any of your concern,” I said in a patient and patronising manner, “but, yes, I am. This weekend I will be having a little housewarming party. I’m new here, and I want to celebrate.”
Her hands had balled into fists. “The hell you will,” she said.
I let out a deep sigh, already tired of her performance. “Take care, neighbour,” I said with a peevish wave. “Feel free to come if you like. I’m sure we’ll all be having a good time.”
“We’ll see about that,” she said with a stamp of her foot, before she marched off away from my fence and power-walked down the street.
The next day, the guests arrived as expected, though, all seemed to be my personal friends, family and colleagues. I’d sent out a few invitations to my new neighbours, though most hadn’t replied, or had basically said that they were busy and couldn’t attend. Only Joe next door had given me a truthful response, “Being seen there will be like a bullseye on my back,” he’d said dismissively. “I’ve had enough of the Wrath of Khan, or Wrath of Karen, whatever you want to call it.”
Will there a part 2?