I walked up to the gate, and without even pausing I’d rung the bell mounted on the wall. I was so annoyed by the audacity of the letter, especially after now knowing this was her home and that apparently the same rules didn’t apply to her. I lived four streets over in the facility, so it wasn’t as if she could even hear the music or see the smoke from my party. She must have deliberately walked over and made it a problem for herself.
When no answer came, I impatiently rang the bell two more times, and was stood with arms crossed when she finally came to the door.
“Who is that?” she yelled over. “You never heard of being patient? Stop ringing my bell.” She pushed through the door, allowing it to swing behind her and slam closed. She was wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts, along with white, leather Birkenstocks and this annoying, almost Karen-like visor tucked into her blonde hair above her ever-present glasses. Why was she even wearing a visor in the house? It made no sense, but her appearance just seemed to grate me for some reason. “What do you want?” she asked as she neared the fence. “You know how rude it is to just turn up here and start ringing my bell over and over?”
I almost burst out in laughter at the attitude on her. I held the letter up and waved it around. “How about almost as ridiculous as fining someone over a BBQ?”
She adjusted her glasses slightly, squinting as I continued to flap the paper around. “What are you talking about?”
My face soured. Was she acting like she didn’t even remember the stupid complaint to the police she’d made about me? Was she dishing out so many of these letters that I was just one amongst many? She couldn’t even remember the annoyance she’d caused and how she’d ruined my housewarming party? “You called the police on my party,” I said with a scowl. “I had to turn the music down and now you’ve sent me this letter saying I need to get rid of the BBQ or you’ll fine me $400.”
“Ohhhh. Yes.”
I blinked, and waited for her to elaborate. When she just stood staring at me, I felt pressed to enquire further. “What do you mean ‘yes’?”
“That’s correct.” She shrugged. “You violated two stipulations of the Homeowner Association rules and you face a suitable penalty for these infractions.”
I had to blink again, and my words caught in my throat. She was just being so forthright and self-righteous about everything. I had expected her to squirm and talk her away out of it now that I’d confronted her. “How…how is that fair?” I asked, with far less conviction.
Surely, she’d realise that her stance was completely unreasonable and she’d embarrassingly waive the fine and send me on my way. However, she appeared to be standing firm and her posture was unrelenting. She merely shrugged again. “You were fully aware of the agreement when you signed it. A gathering of people of that magnitude, and with music of that volume, is a public indecency and a nuisance to the community as a whole. We can not have a repeat of that, along with the smoke pollution, which is a public hazard. You compromised the clean air in our community and it’s not a big ask to request that you do not do that again in future. Removing the BBQ is a fair compromise and an official apology will smooth things over. If you choose to keep it, then that is entirely your decision, though there will be a $400 penalty for the inconvenience you caused everyone here. Failure to pay in due time will lead to late fees.”
“Who was inconvenienced?” I asked aghast, while spinning on the spot and flailing my arms around. “No one was inconvenienced by my little get together. You’re the only one who made an issue out of it and it wasn’t as if it was bothering you from here. You must have had to walk over to even know it was happening.”
“I regularly take walks around our community. That’s part of living in such a nice area. We’re all free to enjoy the facilities and the tranquil, fresh environment. That’s until an inconsiderate neighbour like yourself deems it right to pollute the clean atmosphere.”
“It was a small BBQ! I was hardly polluting anything, was I? Are you telling me you’ve never had guests visit your residence?” I looked at her pond, and then noted a birdhouse, nailed to the tree in her yard. The hypocrisy was unbearable. “How come you’re allowed that then?” I asked. “If anyone else puts one up, you complain and threaten to fine them. You even deprived some poor kid of his paddling pool.”
She turned towards the tree, before rapidly shooting her head back towards me, her ponytail flicking in the air while her eyes narrowed in annoyance from behind her glasses. “It’s pretty,” she said with a tut. “That one you’re talking about was ghastly. It hurt my eyes seeing it every day, plus, it was drawing birds away from my yard.” She then rolled her eyes. “Don’t even get me started on that plastic abomination of a pool. That thing was awful and a crime against acceptable garden decoration. It looked cheap, and nasty, and was a horrid colour.”
“In whose opinion? Yours?”
“Precisely,” she said with a nod of her head, “and the opinion of anyone with decent taste.” She glanced towards the paper in my hand. “Have you come to settle that? I assume from the stink you’re kicking up that you won’t be parting ways with your abhorrent cooking device.”
“I’m not the one kicking up a stink.” I crossed my arms, crunching up the letter against my ribs. “Actually, I have come to settle this, but not in the way you’re thinking.”
“Then you better come into my office.” She had turned and walked back towards her door without even waiting for my response. Once there, she held it open. “Well, don’t keep me waiting. I do have other things to do, you know? You’re not the only person that matters around here.”
“God,” I fumed, before pushing through the gate and stomping my way towards her door. She headed down the hallway towards a back room, and I followed, entering just as she took a seat behind a desk. “You actually have an office set up in your house?” I asked in surprise. “You really take this stupid role seriously, don’t you?”
She glanced up at me, before grimacing and signalling towards the seat opposite. “The sooner we sort this out, the sooner you can bother someone else.”
I slumped into the seat, shocked that she was portraying me as the one doing all of the bothering. I couldn’t think of anything witty or clever to say, instead falling into a silence as I looked around her ‘office’. There were lots of pictures of her with various people from the town; notable people that likely had a lot of pull. There was also a load of trophies for something or other on the top shelf, as well as various books regarding legislation and the law. Clearly, Carol Broom thought she was quite the important person.
“So, how do you intend to settle this fine?” she asked while adjusting her glasses on her nose. “Cash or cheque? I usually require apologies to be written so I can keep a record, but since you deemed it necessary to attend in person, on this occasion, I’ll accept a verbal apology.”
“I’m not–”
Before I could even finish, there was some kind of intercom on her desk that was activated. “Ms. Broom,” a voice said through the speaker. “Are you at home?”
She leant forwards and pushed a button, before speaking. “Yes, but I’m rather busy dealing with a community violation.”
“Oh dear,” I heard the female voice say. “Some people really have no respect, do they?”
Carol glanced up at me, before saying, “Quite.”
“Anyway, it’s Miriam,” the woman said through the speaker. “From no. 11. I’ve brought you some of the muffins you like. I baked a batch freshly this morning.”
“Oh, alright.” Carol reached out her hand towards me, and after a moment of confusion where she impatiently wiggled her fingers, I passed her the letter. She lifted my letter in her manicured hand and read through it, before speaking through the side of her mouth. “Leave it on my door step. I’ll take a look later.”
“Certainly, ma’am,” the woman said. “There’s double chocolate, chocolate chip and blueberry. Just the type you like.”
Carol clicked off the intercom without even replying. “So, what’s the problem?” she asked, while allowing her thin glasses to settle on the tip of her snooty, upturned nose. She looked at me over the lenses; her eyes impatient in their wants. “Can you pay this right now?”
I flinched and had to fidget in my seat. “Ummm, actually, no, I can’t. That’s the point.” When there was no insight in her expression to what she was thinking, I hesitated, before adding in a slightly flustered voice, “I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. It’s my garden. Surely, I can do in it what I want? I wasn’t bothering anyone with a small party. It was a one-off event.”
“Is that right?” she asked. “Well, what you think doesn’t matter, does it? It’s clear in the Homeowner Association rules. You can’t do anything that damages the aesthetic harmony and environment of this community. A loud, disruptive party with billowing smoke does exactly that, doesn’t it?”
I gasped and chuckled in surprise. “It was hardly loud, and that smoke was anything but billowing. We cooked a couple of burgers. I’d put it out before it had barely started.” I blinked. “How does my little party do any of that stuff you’re accusing me of?” I looked passed her and nodded towards her window. “Your windchimes cause a nuisance, and they’re constant, not like a one-off party.” I signalled over my shoulder with my thumb. “That little fountain thing leading into your pond makes a trickling noise. I’m sure that annoys your neighbour.”
“My property is not up for debate,” she said, before offering me a patronising smile. “All of my decorations were approved by the Homeowner Association board.”
“Of which you’re the president.” I sat back in the seat, unamused by the carve-up I was having to go through. “That’s quite convenient, isn’t it?
“If that’s the way you want to look at it, but we’re not discussing the convenience of my role in this community, are we? We’re discussing the inconvenience of your actions.” She shrugged then waved away my protestations. “In my opinion, you violate both orders.” She settled the letter back down and tapped the final paragraph. “This letter was a courtesy, and you were given until today to rectify this violation and remove the apparatus from your property. Have you done that?”
Will there a part 2?