How did I end up standing out here in the middle of a four lane road without a stitch of clothing, blue and red light flashing across my chest and junk in the middle of Drake Avenue?
It’s a long story, but basically, it’s all because Barney Fife hates me, hates my job, hates my boss, and hates everybody I work with.
That’s not his real name of course. That would be too good a gift from the gods of pizza delivery. It’s just that ‘Barney Fife’ fits him a lot better than ‘Officer Rodney Smithee’.
Cops tend to hate pizza drivers, or, if not hate us, at least see us as easy targets. But Tony, our boss, takes care of the cops, and they all love us.
Except for Barney. I was on my way back from painting cute little white hearts on a pizza for a couple of randy old ladies when Barney lit me up. Again.
Oh, wait, I should back up. Fallsworth is a beautiful little suburb of Ft. Lauderdale, near the heart of one of the premier tourist destinations in the world. You’d think they’d get a fair cut of all that succulent sounding tax money, but they lacked the one thing that is the main draw for tourists.
Fallsworth is landlocked. There are no beaches. We’re hard up against the Everglades, and if it wasn’t for ‘Glades University, there would never be any reason for anybody to come here.
So the City Council decided to fall back on the second biggest thing that draws tourists. Or maybe it’s the first, if you attribute most of the attraction of beaches to the beautiful people in skimpy clothes that are often found there.
Fallsworth took advantage of a loophole in Florida law to declare public nudity fully legal. Full frontal, full backal, full everything. The full Monty, anywhere, any time.
Whether intentionally or not, the wording of the bill made lewd acts in public only a misdemeanor, basically a traffic ticket. And word came down to the cops from somewhere to look the other way, except in the most egregious cases. Or, if they can’t help looking, to keep both their dicks and their ticket books in their pants. So yeah, you can fuck in public here, just don’t do it in the middle of Main Street on a Sunday afternoon.
Barney misread the memo. I don’t know how the stick got up his ass, or what shape it was, but for some reason he hated nudity. He hated sex even more. So he hated us with a passion. If he was married, I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for his wife or to blame her.
In any case, he blamed us, maybe because we were easy targets. We were the most visible manifestation of the new laws, or at least the one he knew where to find when he got his dander up.
Drawing cute little hearts with my dick… it’s a talent I’m pretty proud of, by the way. I mean, try it sometime. See if you can control the speed and flow well enough to paint anything other than a monochrome Jackson Pollock reject on anything, let alone within a 16-inch circle. All while you’re having an orgasm.
Anyway, that isn’t the only special service we offered, and Barney knew it. Hell, practically everybody in town knew it. But Tony has friends in high places, and/or a big file cabinet full of dirt on people in high places.
I know nothing…
Tony’s last name is not Nudio, name of the business notwithstanding. It’s Annunzio, which is, I guess, close enough to write it off as a typo. Probably five minutes after the Fallsworth Council passed the new laws, he’d struck on a a bright idea to increase his business.
He changed the name, and started interviewing attractive young people with good driving records, full insurance, and a high threshold for embarrassment. And he’s no bigot, he knew that male drivers would be in demand as well. If not as much as hot college girls, enough to pad the bottom line by a nice margin.
No, I’m not gay, though there is a lot of demand for that, and if I’m just there to wave the flag, I’m not picky about my customers. I’ve gotten used to being ogled like a piece of meat by guys. Now I know how the girls feel.
But in fact, there’s a lot of women out there who like a little innocent fun, and quite a few who like their fun less innocent, or downright raunchy. Giggling college girls indulging their curiosity or that have to touch a wee-wee to make good on a dare or a lost bet. Single career women with no time for a boyfriend, let alone a husband. Lonely middle aged women with fading looks and a longing for past glory.
I can provide all of that with no strings attached, and without having to deal with a frat boy or boy next door who will be a whole lot more selfish and a lot less skilled than I am.
There was more than enough business for me and one other straight guy at the shop. As to the semen condiments, yeah, it surprised me too. But a lot of women actually like the taste, surprising as that is. That doesn’t mean they always want a mouthful of it, any more than you would want a mouthful of mustard. But spread it around, let it be a subtle, earthy spice that enhances the flavors of meat and cheese and grease… well, I’ll take their word for it that it can be quite the delicacy.
Not all the guys working there were straight. Guys who liked guys were in a lot of demand when the call was for more than just eye candy. Of those three, a guy named Brad was happy to switch hit when business called for it, kind of a utility infielder, able to fill in where he was needed, without regard to what kind of orifice needed filling.
And he could really fill them. He had a schlong big enough, even limp, to use to swing from the trees if he wanted to.
===
“Just a warning?” Chrissy asked after I came in the side door and told her the story of getting pulled over, again, by Barney.
Getting dressed and undressed between runs was time consuming, a pain in the ass, and just plain silly. Plus, hanging around naked built a unique kind of camaraderie among the drivers.
That’s why I came in the side door, and why Tony had built this little break room for us to hang out in. We weren’t allowed up front because the legislation that allowed public nudity wisely did not include letting people smear their fromunda cheese all over food prep surfaces. Good for us, because we didn’t have to do the usual work that drivers at less enlightened establishments have to do while waiting for their next delivery. Like wiping down counters, restocking the make line, answering phones, or folding your pizza boxes.
“He’s getting sick of beat downs in court,” I said.
“Or he’s changed his tactics,” said a voice behind me. I turned and saw Patricia leaning in the break room door.
Patricia was the phone girl and all around helper, so she had to be dressed. Technically, she was, but if what she was wearing counted as clothes, then Hooter’s girls might as well be wearing nuns’ habits.
Yeah, she was the one I looked at behind my eyelids when I had to draw hearts for the two old ladies. The ladies were sweet, and tipped me more than a stripper makes for a dance in the VIP room, but still, I need more inspiration than they were able to provide. Especially if they weren’t my first ‘special’ of the day.
“How do you mean?” Chrissy asked. Chrissy was smoking hot and as scantily clad as I was. The only reason she wasn’t the star of my fantasies was that she was Tony’s daughter, and in line to take over the business one day. Not that she was strictly off limits – Tony’s not stupid or naive – but things could get awkward if I made a habit of thinking about her bent over the hood of my car.
Patricia, on the other hand, welcomed that kind of attention. Even better, she enjoyed making real memories to add to my mental spank bank whenever we closed together.
“I mean, if he just gives warnings, he can pull you guys over more often. Hassle you even more.” Patty said.
Shit. I hadn’t thought of that angle. He’d been bad enough already. This could get ridiculous.
====
I didn’t do specials from day one. They needed to get used to me, make sure I planned to stick around, and that I could be trusted.
I can be pretty oblivious sometimes, but I was probably the last person in town to know what went on when somebody ordered a pizza with ‘everything’. We didn’t actually have an everything option on the menu. We offered 32 separate ingredients, many of which no sane person would want together on the same pizza even if it was practical to pile it all on.
It was Chrissy who took me aside and felt me out about it, about six weeks after I’d been hired. I was making good tips already, more than I ever could have made with my clothes on, but I was starting to get a whiff of more money going through the other drivers’ hands than I saw my share of.
Chrissy, like I said, is Tony’s daughter, and apparently his buffer, the one who runs the other business and lets Tony keep his hands clean. Chrissy and Patricia, as I would soon discover.
“You sure have a nice dick,” Chrissy told me out of the blue one day when we were the only two drivers in the break room. I was sitting on the sofa and she had walked up to stand right in front of me.
She’s a really nice girl, but a bit aloof. Reserved, not unfriendly. Not the kind to make a comment like that, at least without some preliminaries, and probably dinner.
Smart as a whip, too. Good head for business, and really great tits. They’re a bit on the big side for her frame, in my view, but then disproportionality is the opposite of a problem when you’re dealing with frat bros.
Her being smart as well as reserved made me sure there was some purpose behind this comment, which accounts for my confused reaction. What is the protocol exactly, when a co-worker and semi-official boss looks down at you sitting on the couch and spontaneously praises your genitalia? I doubt Emily Post had ever addressed this specific situation.
“Umm, thanks.” was all I said.
“Do you manage to keep all those college girls from groping you?” she asked, smiling at my confusion.
“Mostly,” I said, trying to give Chrissy a smile that said ‘not as often as I should’ without actually saying it. It often got me bigger tips, but there had never been a formal price attached to it. I mean, really, just not having to be the one paying felt like a bonus.
“Hard to resist sometimes, I know.” she said, still standing there with her hands on her hips and her stance just closed enough that she didn’t look like she was spreading her legs for me.
I decided to feel out her intentions. “I’m supposed to draw the line at touching.” I said.
She nodded. “Yes, you are. But sometimes that line gets crossed. It happens. Do you wish you were allowed to let them?”
“You mean, am I straight?”
Chrissy laughed. It was a nice laugh. “We all know you’re straight. I mean, is that something you’d be comfortable with?” Her tone was casual, almost joking, but that tone didn’t fit Chrissy, nor did the intent look in her eyes.
I worried that I was being led into a minefield. “I could live with it, if it wasn’t going to get me in trouble.”
“Just live with it?” she asked, with a big, knowing grin.
I cracked a smile. “OK. I’d like it. Probably a lot.”
“Do you imagine it when you jerk off? Getting paid for what you would do for free?”
I was about to say “I will now,” but before I could say out loud what I probably ought to be kept in my head, I was saved by Patty coming around the corner.
“It’s dead slow,” she said. “Nothing in the line at all.”
“Well?” Chrissy asked, looking back at me.
“Where is this going?” I asked, if only to put off answering.
“Officially, nowhere.” she said, not so cryptically.
“I wouldn’t have any problem with that,” I said, taking a stab at where I was starting to think she might be going.
She nodded, and gestured for me to stand, then she led me out the side door to an out of the way little nook that was shielded from the street. She let me lean on the wall while she stood in front of me. Patty was just steps behind.
She asked me a few more questions, more details like whether or not I could last more than ten seconds with a truly hot girl – I could, I was pretty sure – or whether I could bring myself to fuck an ugly, middle aged woman.
She sensed my hesitation at that last one. “I mean, just in principle. Something you could see yourself doing?”
“In principle, hypothetically, I guess everything has a price,” I said, trying to walk a fine line. I didn’t really want to think about what my price would be to do a fat forty something woman with stretch marks and sloppy, saggy tits. But my wallet could use some fattening. A lot of fattening.
“You give good head?” she suddenly asked. This was starting to feel like a job interview, the kind Tony himself would not be conducting.
“I haven’t had any complaints,” I said, not really answering the question.
“That could mean you’ve never done it. Ever had any compliments?”
So, she caught my little evasion. I had done it. “Not in so many words,” I said, truthfully. I was pretty sure the few girls I’d gone down on had liked it, but then, a lot of girls appreciate the effort even if the result isn’t stellar.
“Show me,” she said, taking me by the shoulders and spinning us around so her back was against the wall. She lowered herself a few inches to give her room to open her legs.
I just gaped at her. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what to do when a girl propositioned me. This was not my first rodeo. It was that this situation didn’t fit any of the slots in my head where such a thing would normally fit.
“Show me what you’ve got,” she said. “Whatever you do, whatever you need to do to get me off. Except using your dick.”
I just looked at her for another minute, but this time, I was sizing her up. This was a different Chrissy than I was used to, but I was definitely not complaining. OK, I thought, she’s made it clear as glass. I still didn’t know for sure why – I doubted she just had a sudden urge to have an orgasm – but I was determined to make it happen.
If I was going to do this, I was going to do it right. I leaned in and kissed her, on the theory that the best cunnilingus starts much further north. It’s all about the brain for girls. For us guys, get some wet, sloppy friction on our knob and it almost doesn’t matter where it comes from. That’s why some guys resorted to sheep, I supposed.
But girls, you gotta get their heads into it first. Do that, and you hardly have to touch them, though I definitely planned to touch Chrissy. She’d given me nearly carte blanche, so I was going to get every taste I could get.
She responded well to my kissing, though her eyes remained a little skeptical. No worries, I was going to make her a believer. Not bragging here, but I actually knew how to find the clitoris, which, from what I hear, puts me in the 90th percentile at least. I didn’t linger on those lips for long. She’d told me flat out which lips she wanted my mouth on, so this was more about getting her synapses tuned up than convincing her to let me get into her non-existent pants.
I’ll spare you the gory details… (wait… hello? are you still there?), but I eventually made my way down to glory, and after circling the honeypot for a while, teasing, feinting, making a few test probes and parries, just making sure she really, desperately wanted me to get on with it, I dove in.
I didn’t even need to use my fingers. She seemed to enjoy it, unless she was just coincidentally experiencing a medically alarming episode. Either way, she eventually recovered fully aside from some abrasions on her back where she slid down along the rough brick after her knees gave out.
I stood and worked out the cricks in my knees and back. I’d had to squat instead of kneeling to avoid the broken pavement in the alley from chewing up my knees.
“That’ll do.” Crissy croaked out. She and Patty shared a look of approval. Chrissy looked up at the tool I hadn’t had to use to turn her into a quivering heap. “Good, you stay hard while giving a girl head.”
I was. I was raging hard.
“We got a ringer here?” Patty asked.
“Looks like it,” Chrissy said, still bobbing her head on a loose neck.
“Let me take this one,” Patty said, pushing my back against the wall and squatting in front of me while Chrissy lolled against the bricks.
You know how it goes. A blowjob is just a blowjob. Unless Patty is giving it. Oh my god.
I honestly can’t remember all the gory details, (you still with me? Hello?). It was like every nerve in my body was being plucked one by one by some supernatural four dimensional force that had been miraculously tuned exactly to my frequency.
Jesus. I came so hard I thought that I was going to splash the closest parked car right through the back of her neck. She took it all with a smile, a smile that got wider and wider the more I spewed down her throat.
When it was over, she dribbled part of a mouthful back over my knob and pulled her head away. She looked at me wide-eyed, then at Chrissy. “Tell me it’s not just me,” Patty told her, pushing my dick towards my underboss’s face.
Chrissy looked confused, but she turned her head and slurped Patty’s leavings off my dick. She worked her lips and tongue over it like a connoisseur sampling the latest offering from the sommelier. Then she went back to clean me off completely.
“It’s not just you,” she agreed.
“That tastes fantastic!” She looked up at me with what almost looked like awe in her eyes. Or maybe I was just still floating on an astral plane and misinterpreting the songs of angels.
That’s when the door to our right was thrown roughly open. Tony leaned out, took a look at his naked daughter in a heap and Patty squatting in front of me with her hand still wrapped around my cock, which I was starting to think would never go limp again.
“Chrissy, you’re up,” he barked.
She looked over at him, not even flinching. “OK, Dad, we’re just finishing up here.”
‘Dad’. Oh, fuckity fuck fuck. I didn’t want to look at him, but I had to. He had the same expression on his face he always had, not happy, not mad, not anything else. All business.
“And you,” he said, pointing at me. I gulped, figuring I was in for a whole different kind of tongue lashing. The kind you get from a father who just caught you ravishing his daughter.
But it was just business. “Yours just went in the oven. Get yourself cleaned up.” Chrissy started walking to the door and he held it open for her. He sniffed when she passed. “You too,” he said. Then he cocked his head. “You got cum on your chin,” he informed her
I found out later that Brad agreed that my cum tasted better than any he’d ever had. No, I did not let Brad suck my dick, though he really wanted to once he heard. But I couldn’t stop Patty from kissing him with a mouthful of it several days later.
Either way, I later became a fan favorite for adding a unique flavor to Nudio’s pizzas, for those in the know. One that nobody else in town could reproduce. And sometimes I put it on in the shape of cute little hearts.
If one of the girls was available, she might help. Brad kept offering to help, and I kept politely turning him down, to the point where it became something of a friendly joke between us.
I never had a guy have the hots for me before. I admit it was good for my ego, but… no, just no. Sorry, Brad, you’re a good guy, and if you want to go have a beer after work, I’m there. But keep your hands, or anything else, away from my dick.
====
Barney was a near constant companion. He was on my ass as much as Brad ever wanted to be. He was on everyone’s ass, but he liked mine the most. When he got bored, he would park in the lot across from the store, and pick a driver at random to follow out. Maybe he would pull them over, maybe he would just try to spook them.
He really screwed me over once. Or at least almost did. It was on my first special, as if he somehow knew.
Patty handed me that special through the window next to the break room. It was an ‘everything’. The code was ‘dominoes’. The girls had tried to explain to me the rationale behind the codes once, but hell if I could keep up. I figured I would catch on after a while, but right now, I had no idea what I was in for.
I hadn’t been warned that a special was coming up. I looked at Patty, surprised. She nodded. “Yup. Good luck, loverboy.” She refused to say more, just gave me a wink. My face must have been pleading, she finally relented, a little. “Easy Peasy. Don’t worry about it.”
I tried not to, but Barney followed me out of the lot, thinking he was being sneaky. He wasn’t, but there was nothing I could do about it. Sure enough, he lit me up about halfway to the ‘Glades campus.
My appointment… encounter? date? Whatever, it was in one of the dorms. Easy Peasy, but I was still nervous about it, this being my first time. I mean, not my first time first time, but my first time as a professional. And now I had to deal with Barney.
He pulled me over on a busy secondary road where he was sure it would lead to maximum exposure and embarrassment, and ordered me to step out of the car.
He probably thought I cared, but if he’d stopped to think for even a minute, he would have realized that I wasn’t hiding some secret fetish by being nude in my car. I was on my way to knock on the door of a complete stranger, after walking up to said door on public sidewalks and through public hallways.
I wasn’t the least bit embarrassed about it, just annoyed. Annoyed at the delay, and the interruption of my day, at the imposition on my state of mind while I was bracing myself for something, other than walking around naked, that I was nervous about.
But thinking never seemed to be Barney’s strong suit. He kept me there for 15 minutes, standing on the street side of my car, his spotlight pinning me like a bug in the view of every car going by.
He ran my license, he ran my plates, he even ran my insurance card. I didn’t know they could do that. He searched my car, illegally. He demanded to know where I was going, none of his business. He demanded to know what I was delivering, even less his business. He tried to get me to confess that I was going out to offer sex for money.
OK, guilty as charged, but hell if I was going to let him know that. I just smirked at him as he got more and more wound up. In the end, he couldn’t write me a ticket. There was nothing he could even trump up a charge on besides illegal parking since he’d pulled me over next to a sign.
Where I made my mistake was right after he pushed my documents into my bare chest, giving up his quest to write me up. “Better luck next time, Barney,” I said.
He froze mid step on the way back to his car. I could see him shaking with helpless, impotent rage.
All he could manage to squeak out was, “cover yourself up, you degenerate.”
“Is that a lawful order?” I called after him as he stalked back to his car. “Am I free to go?”
He never said another word, just got into his car and peeled around me, coming a little too close. I assumed I was no longer being detained.
The encounter had initially put me in a sour mood, but the ending was satisfying enough that I felt pretty good about myself as I walked through the dorm lobby and took the elevator upstairs to room 409.
====
The girl that answered that door was medium height, skinny, with an unkempt mop of black hair over a plain face. She was wearing a long t-shirt over bare legs. “Hi,” I said, feeling unusually awkward. How the hell does a guy introduce himself in this situation? ‘Hi, I’m the guy you hired to fuck you.’ Probably not.
“Large pepperoni and mushroom, with jalapenos?” I stammered out.
She looked me up and down. “You must be new,” she said, leading me into the room. She left the door wide open. “Usually, they’re already hard when they get here.”
“Umm, yeah, I guess I’m new.”
She just nodded and took the pizza from me. She tossed it on a battered sofa amid piles of books and clothing. She pointed at the bed. “I need five minutes. Lay down and get yourself ready.”
I stared for a minute, wondering what Patty had gotten me into. But I did what I was told, and lay down. “The other way,” she ordered, then sat down at her desk in front of her laptop.
It was a strange request, but, hey, the customer is always right. I repositioned myself with my head toward the door and my feet at the head of the bed. “You want me to close the door?” I asked. She just shook her head and got lost in whatever she was doing at her desk.
Studying for finals, I guessed. In addition to the laptop, she had two heavy textbooks open, one on top of the other, and a yellow legal pad that she was scribbling notes into. She’d stop and type something, then return to the notebook.
So I just lay there, slowly stroking my cock to full hardness, knowing that anybody walking by the open door could see me.
It was more like ten minutes that I spent twiddling my thumbs, and twiddling my dick in full view of a hallway full of college kids. I tried to guess exactly what this girl would want to do with my penis.
It wasn’t the worst job in the world.
Finally she stood, and stretched. I tried to look her over, but the shirt came down to her knees, and it was baggy.
“That’s better.” she said, looking at my rough and ready cock standing straight up in the air. She reached under her shirt and slid a pair of previously invisible panties down, tossing them on the couch. They landed half on top of the pizza. The shirt followed.
There was no display to it, no teasing, no showiness. It was like she was all alone in her room, stripping off to get in the shower or something. Or something, I thought, squeezing the base of my cock.
She had small tits, loose, but nicely shaped, narrow hips, and a dark bush as messy as her hair. She looked me over for a second, then leaned down and wrapped her hand around my cock. “Nice size,” she said, as if I wasn’t even there.
Then she put it in her mouth, making no effort to provide pleasure. She was doing this for her own purposes.
After a minute or two, she knelt on the bed, then swung a leg over to straddle my chest. She looked down at me. “I assume you’re OK with eating pussy?” she asked.
“I love it.” I said, eager to see what all that hair was hiding. She nodded and slid her hips forward, getting some of her weight onto her knees. I grabbed her ass and pulled her to my mouth.
“I don’t need any teasing,” she said when I started to circle her sweet spot. I looked up at her and saw an expression with more than a little impatience in it.
I nodded, and pulled her hips closer, then just went for it. She was barely wet, but in a minute, I had her moistening. “Oh yeah,” she said, “right there.” I focused my attention on that spot, using my fingers to open her up for better access to right there.
She got wetter and wetter. “Hrmmm.” she grunted as I flicked her clit with my tongue. She had a nice pussy under there, with lips and a hood that stood out prominently once she was excited, with a nice oval of bright pink defined by a sharp, dark border.
She said she didn’t need teasing, but I mixed it up a bit anyway, focusing mainly on her clit, but darting around once in a while, as much as I could with my head trapped between her thighs.
I felt those thighs start to vibrate against the sides of my head. “Oh god,” she said quietly, her voice breathy. She said it again, but her pitch was rising, as was her climax.
Then suddenly, her hips were off my face. She got her feet under her flat on the mattress, knees out, and squatted on me, reaching down between her legs to line me up with that nice pink opening.
She pressed down on me, and I watched those flaps stretch around and over me as she pushed her ass straight down to my thighs and began to pump, using her thighs and knees to propel her body straight up and down.
As soon as she had me inside her, she moaned loudly, enough to carry out into the hallway from which anybody walking by would have more or less the same view I had. “Oh god, yesss,” she moaned. “Grab my tits.”
I happily obliged. Small or not, they were tits, and they were nice tits. I felt my lap getting soaked as she started to cum. It had all happened so quick that I wasn’t there yet, but apparently, that was how she wanted it. “Don’t cum yet,” she ordered.
The tendons on her neck stretched and her face turned red. I kept myself from building any further, a talent I was mildly proud of. That I could control myself even while a girl was pounding and clenching me, and obviously orgasming, felt like an accomplishment.
When she’d gotten herself off, she collapsed back against the headboard, facing me with her legs spread obscenely, her pubic hair soaked and matted. I looked past my still raging hardon glistening with her juices, to see her staring back at me. “You give good head,” she said.
I smiled as she caught her breath. It only took a minute, then she was standing, taking my hand to suggest I stand as well. She rummaged around her purse and pulled out the agreed upon amount, written in code on the label.
I just stared at her. Wait, is that all? What happened to ‘yet’? Where was mine… Then I slumped, realizing there was no mine. She wasn’t paying to have me get off, she was paying for herself to get off. She had, in record time, and I was no longer useful.
She handed me the cash plus a modest tip, and a clean-ish rag she’d picked off the couch. I cleaned myself up as best I could with the dry rag and headed to the door, remembering to politely thank her for her business, and wondering if I could get my dick to go limp long enough to walk back through those halls and lobby before getting to my car where I could jerk off.
When she let me out, she grabbed the pizza and yelled into the hallway. “Who wants pizza?”
Patty wasn’t wrong. It was the easiest, peasiest money I’d made in a long time. And it hard hardly taken any time. Probably 30 minutes or less, including the driving time, if you didn’t count my detour through Barney’s delusional mind.
I finally understood the code, and by the time I got to my car, I was laughing too hard to rub one out.
Save it for the next customer, I thought.
====
Barney really had a hardon for me after that. When I’d called him Barney to his face, I’d sealed my fate. He became my shadow after that, tailing me everywhere I went. He even tailed me home once, and would occasionally show up behind me at random points in my day when I wasn’t working.
And it wasn’t always in a real cop car. He had an old beater, identical model to the cop cars, and he had it painted in the usual black and white. No lights, no markings, but he sure wanted to look like a cop even when he wasn’t.
The only bright side was that he seemed less interested in the other drivers. Though not entirely disinterested. Now, no more warnings. Whenever he had the slightest excuse, he wrote a ticket. He even had another driver’s car impounded a few days ago.
That night back at the store, I told everybody the story. Tony walked in and heard the bulk of it. It was a slow evening, unusual for a Friday, and when it was slow, he would sometimes come back and almost socialize with the drivers.
It didn’t phase him one bit to see his daughter standing around with bare tits and ass, among a bunch of guys and other girls. Like I said, he’s not naive. He knows what we all do for a living. If he had any second thoughts about essentially being his daughter’s pimp, he kept them to himself.
“Dad,” Chrissy said, “we’ve got to do something about this Barney thing.”
Tony listened sympathetically as two other driver chimed in, but when it was done, he just nodded, and said, “Guys, I know he’s a pain in your asses, but my hands are tied.”
“It’s more than a pain the ass. He’s costing us business,” Chrissy said.
“I know it Chrissy. Believe me, I’m just as pissed as you are.”
“So do something. We have connections, right?”
It was a startling comment from Chrissy. She was part of the business in a way the rest of us drivers were not. She was going to be the boss one day, and she was part of all the behind the scenes machinations with her parents that didn’t get talked about with the rest of us.
Tony flashed her a hard look of warning. “It’s a give and take,” he said sharply. “Find something concrete, and maybe I can talk to somebody.”
I wondered who that somebody might be. I didn’t think Tony was connected to the mob, and the mob wasn’t what it used to be, not around here anyway, but there were plenty of, lets say, special interests that filled similar roles.
Still, I wondered which side of the law that somebody was that he had in mind. If we had our way, would Barney be demoted? Fired? Or just not be around any more without any word of why?
Hell, even if it meant him sleeping with the fishes – and while Fallsworth had no beaches itself, miles of shoreline were just a short drive away – I wouldn’t feel much sympathy or guilt over his fate. He’d earned something, even by the standards of polite society.
The phone rang, and Tony rushed back to the front, as much as a guy his size could rush. Patty turned to go up front as well, but before she did, she said to Chrissy, “You need to talk to Tracy.”
Tracy, as it turned out, was Barney’s daughter, and a friend of Chrissy’s. Or at least an acquaintance. She lived with her mother, who had divorced Barney a few years ago, because, as we all know, he is fucking batshit crazy.
Tracy went to ‘Glades as a sophomore, but lived year round with her mom. They were well rid of him, and other than some friendly advice, they were reluctant to get involved. No reason they should care about our problems. But that all changed about two months later, after the school year had ended.
====
The phone rang right after the official second hand on the official clock officially clicked past our official closing time.
“Nudio’s Pizza,” Patricia answered. “I’m sorry, we’re closed.” She looked at me with a huge smile. “Mmm hmm, Sorry.” she said politely, then quickly hung up.
Before the phone stopped rattling in the cradle, she turned and stepped to me, putting her arms over my shoulders. She had to reach up to do it, but that only served to stretch her compact body out nicely against the apron I had to wear to be up front.
“No specials today?” she asked, knowing full well there had been none. She was the official coordinator, in every way but on paper, of our side hustles.
“Not a one,” I said, smiling at her. It had taken me a while to figure out what her real job was here, but once I got inducted into the club, it became more clear. Tony, officially, had no idea that his employees were running an occasional prostitution ring right under his nose, despite the commission he took on every deal.
Patricia was our ringleader.
Having a dry spell of a shift was not unusual. Probably half the days I worked left me with full balls by closing time. Not blue balls, I still managed to drain them every day. One way or another.
I was pretty sure Patricia was suggesting one of my favorite ways. We’d broken down the line, done the dishes, swept and mopped, all before officially being closed. It was Tuesday, always a slow late night, even with school being out. We took the chance that we would not get any orders in the last 45 minutes, and that worked out as often as not.
When I got my apron off, I was hard as a rock. She leaned in and pressed her body against mine and looked up into my eyes. “Don’t start without me,” she said, squeezing my cock before darting off to the shower.
“One or two tonight?” she asked when she came back into my arms all squeaky clean and damp.
I’m a young guy. Young and healthy, and I could do two in a day without breaking a sweat. Sometimes, after cumming twice, I felt like I was just getting started. “Sky’s the limit,” I told her.
She grinned. “Yay!” and squeezed me tight, bending her head back. I squeezed back, loving how her bare skin molded to mine from top to bottom. I bowed my head and gingerly kissed her lips, then her nose and her forehead. Then my lips went back to hers and didn’t leave for an hour.
OK, it was probably only a minute, but, you know how that goes. She was pressing me so tight that my hands had nothing to grab onto besides her waist. She was short enough that I could just barely reach her ass.
I knew that was deliberate. She may come off slutty, but she’s a very, very smart girl who knows what she wants. Her mind is one of those that is always thinking several steps ahead, which makes her very good at her officially unofficial job.
I knew even before she dropped to her knees that it was part of her plan. She wouldn’t let me enjoy her body yet, not until she needed to get me back up to speed for another round, one that would be for her.
I looked down at her lips wrapping around my cock, then backing off to swirl her tongue. Patricia and I, we had an understanding. We were just friends. Friends with benefits that were off the charts. She was as horny a girl as I’d ever met, and utterly unashamed of what she needed, and of making sure we both got those needs satisfied.
She was being a playful, but only because she knew I liked that. But really, she was all business, and didn’t let any teasing get in the way of getting from point A to point B, with point B being swirling my semen around in her mouth to taste it thoroughly before swallowing it.
Normally, I would have liked to draw it out a while, savor it, but I knew this was just foreplay. I knew there would be plenty of drawing out and savoring once she’d taken the edge off.
All business or not, she gave me an eye crossing, body withering orgasm. Amazingly, I’d gotten used to her ethereal, godlike blowjobs. Not that they weren’t as absolutely mind blowing as the first one, but I was no longer surprised by it, and so I managed to keep my head, absent the shock, if not the awe.
When she’d milked all she could from me, she used her tongue and lips to clean me as thoroughly as I could do with soap and water. So thoroughly that I started that climb back up toward the edge.
She stood, and gave my hands access to all the places they’d been denied before. I took full advantage of it, but this one was for her. It was no coincidence that the places my hands most wanted to explore were exactly the same places she most wanted explored.
I had the leisure of taking my time now, the urgency of needing to get off more a manageable wish than a desperate need. After I’d done all I could with my hands and mouth while we stood, she lifted her ass up onto the table.
“Pull up a seat, young man.” she ordered. While I did, she settled herself on the table and pulled her feet up, perching them to each side at the edge in a contorted posture only a woman’s hips could ever manage.
Seated at the table for my feast, it was my turn to give her what she’d seen Chrissy get against the brick wall in the alley. Like me, there was no longer any surprise at how good it was, but that didn’t stop her from shaking the table so hard it rattled the walls.
Again, not bragging, but c’mon, I’m a professional.
When she couldn’t take any more, I stood, and gave her more. She feebly protested, but I knew that she was only pretending to be done.
I plunged into her, reaching places my fingers never could, and focused on my own ends. She was beyond needing finesse. She was a rag doll, her body one giant, excruciatingly sensitive nerve. She didn’t need technique, she couldn’t have discerned it if I had tried. She just needed pounding.
So I…
The door squealed open and voiced filled the room to drown out Patty’s feeble whimpering. I hesitated, but didn’t pull out. Patty rose up onto her elbows to look at the intruders, but my intrusion still dominated her awareness, and her face looked like she was trashed, seeing double, face bright red and her hair a wild, stringy mess plastered by sweat to her head.
“Oh, are we interrupting something?” Chrissy asked.
“Yes!” Patty and I both blurted out. I didn’t care, and neither did she. I put my hand on her chest and pushed her down on her back again, then grabbed her hips for leverage and began the final push to the summit.
I heard the shuffling sounds of people settling in to get comfortable as I filled Patty’s cunt with my second load of the day. She came again, or rather, had been cumming almost continuously since I’d first penetrated her.
I flopped back into the seat that had been kicked back when I stood, letting my cock shrink onto my thigh, not caring who could see the mess. Patty was sprawled on the table, even more of a mess.
I surveyed the new arrivals. Chrissy and Brad, both fully clothed.
“OK, what’s up?” I asked.
“We have a plan,” Chrissy said.
“A plan for what?” I asked. I looked at Patty. She was coming around and gave me a knowing look. She slid next to me on the table.
“I talked to Tracy,” Chrissy said. Then to my confused look, she said, “Barney’s daughter”.
“How does she fit in?”
“You know Barney is on a 30-day suspension, right?”
“That explains it.” I had noticed that he’d been following me more often, but always in his personal fake cop car, never in the official cruiser.
“He got a little rough with a guy. Nothing too serious, but over the line. Apparently, he’s on shaky ground at the cop shop.”
I nodded. “Good. Maybe he’ll be gone soon.”
“Maybe,” Chrissy affirmed. “But he’s got friends. It’s no sure thing. He would have to do something pretty serious to get the boot for good.”
“OK,” I said slowly. “So how does Tracy fit in?”
“She was going out with the guy Barney roughed up. They weren’t serious, but Barney didn’t know that.”
It made more sense then, but I still didn’t see how that turned into a plan.
“He’s letting his personal issues cloud his professional judgment,” Chrissy explained. “Has been for a while, but it gave me an idea. It’s a lever we can use.”
I shrugged at her, still not getting it. “We have to push him over the edge,” Chrissy said, looking at me while it sank in.
It finally did. “And I’m the bait,” I said grimly, fully aware of how dangerous that could get. Suspended or not, he was still a cop, and he had friends. Patty stiffened against me. Whatever she knew, she either didn’t know that part, or hadn’t thought of it in such stark terms.
“You and Brad, actually,” Chrissy said.
====
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Claire standing pleasantly nude behind me. “Come talk with me,” she said.
Claire was Barney’s ex-wife, and the well-lit flagstone patio we were standing on was the backyard of Barney’s house. Emphasis on ‘was’. Claire had gotten full custody, for the year or so that it still mattered, and the house in the divorce three years ago.
In her late thirties, Claire was still a good looking woman. She wore her age well, and openly, rather than trying to disguise it with ‘procedures’ or heavy makeup. That, and her natural bearing, gave her a dignity that more than made up for the small signs of her years. Plus she’d been taking care of herself, now that she was free to go on the prowl again after the divorce.
Regardless, I was pretty worked up. It was a party, with Brad and I the guests of honor, the guests who had arrived nude in the guise of pizza delivery men. It had taken a while to break the ice, but now all nine of us were happily naked, and there had been a lot of messing around going on to warm us up for the big event.
Brad had even found a friend, and done things to and with the man that I prefer not to dwell on. To each his own. Brad and I were friends, and we freely engaged in the kind of banter guys always have between them, busting each others’ balls, fun ribbing that neither of us ever took personally. He joked about me being afraid to take a walk on the wild side, and I complained to him about being terrified to drop the soap, or anything else, in his presence. The fact that we hung out naked together at work all day hardly figured into it. Aside from that dropping things thing.
Barney had followed us there, but that was all part of the plan: his wife, his daughter, his house, and the two people he probably hated most in the world.
High def cameras with audio pickup captured every angle of the patio for security. They were tiny and well hidden, but Barney certainly knew they were there. Where Barney himself was, I wasn’t sure yet, but it was sure that he would be watching from somewhere.
For my part, I had given a tall, intense girl named Monica a quivering orgasm with just my fingers, and at the moment, she was sitting cross legged on the ground, her upper body slumped over her lap. Tracy, the other star of the show, stood, also naked, next to her, talking with Lucy.
I had found myself wishing Lucy would be the star of the show. Nothing against Tracy, but this one really got to me. Dark and mysterious, with olive skin and black hair, a long, sinuous body, and deep brown eyes that I could get lost in any day. She hardly spoke, but her face was so expressive that she didn’t need to. And all night she’d been sending me the kinds of messages I really wanted to hear from her.
But there would be no time for it tonight. I knew we had to get onto the grand finale soon.
Claire led me politely away from Tracy and leaned back against the table. “If you cum now, will you be able to get it up again for my daughter?” she asked in a neutral tone.
I glanced over my shoulder at Tracy. Her posture showed some of that same bearing her mother had, and on such a young girl it looked especially good. I definitely didn’t hate the idea of ‘performing’ with her soon.
I turned back to Claire with a grin. “I’m sure I will,” I said.
She smiled, and lifted her hips onto the table and leaned back, opening her legs fully. “Rodney’s watching this,” she said quietly.
“Rodney? … Oh, you mean Barney?”
She looked confused. “Barney?” she asked.
“You know, like Barney Fife?” She still didn’t understand. “From Mayberry?”
It took her a second, but she got it, and broke into surprised laughter.
“Is that what you call him? Oh, god, that’s hilarious. It fits so well,” she said, then looked down to where my cock was waving just an inch from her shaved, wet pussy. “You going to fuck it, or just stare at it?”
I grinned. “Oh, I don’t know. I enjoy staring at a fine looking woman’s naked body.”
“Goddammit, just… Ohhhhhh.”
I had pressed my hips forward to cut off her complaint. “I guess I’ve stared enough,” I said, slowly withdrawing from her after bottoming out.
I pulled completely out, gripping myself, then jabbed into her again and put my hands on her hips. She relaxed onto her back. Her tits stood proud, only slightly sagging to the sides.
“He’s going to love this,” she told me. I laughed, thinking she was being sarcastic. “No, I mean he really will. He gets off on watching me with other men.”
I was surprised enough that my smooth pace hitched. She went on. “When I had an affair, I caught him watching us once, not saying anything, just watching. The guy I was riding didn’t see him, but I did.
“He saw me see him, and didn’t react. So I kept riding the guy. I came hard, and only then did Rod… Barney,” she paused to give a short laugh. “He went off on the guy, acting all the betrayed husband venting his rage on the poor guy who had defiled his wife. It was scary.”
“Maybe it wasn’t an act.” I said, still slowly stroking the walls of her cunt with the full length of my shaft. I was leaning over her so our discussion was quiet, not likely to be picked up by the cameras.
“He’s over there, by the oleander,” she informed me. “Don’t look.”
I didn’t, but it didn’t take me long to take a natural glance around and spot the aforementioned hedge. He would have a perfect view of the whole yard.
“It must be humiliating for him,” I said. “Doesn’t fit the cop image he likes to pretend he has.”
She nodded. “That’s the point, right? That kind of humiliation turned him on, but getting off on it doubled the humiliation. He had to cover for it by going all cop rage after.”
“He’s really going to hate me,” I said.
“He already does, though, right?” I nodded affirmation. “That’s also the point. Trust me, he will do something stupid, now or later.”
“Let’s hope it’s not too stupid.” I was worried what he was capable of. Would he try to frame me next time he pulled me over? Plant drugs or something?
As it turned out, I didn’t have to worry about anything like that.
“Oh, God, you’re so big!” she cried out, loudly enough to be clearly heard by every ear around, both electronic and flesh. “Fuck me. Fuck me harder!”
I knew they were not instruction for me, they were for Barney’s benefit, but I figured, why not? I picked up my pace and started slamming her harder and deeper. I used some finesse, but basically just pounded her. It was all for show, afterall, and Barney would not be able to see finesse.
“I’m gonna cum!” we both yelled out at the same time. Neither of us were lying.
I expected a reaction from him, but there was just silence by the oleander. I stayed in Claire and leaned over to kiss her. She whispered in my ear, “With Tracy, make it rough, and filthy. Remember who it’s for.”
I finally pulled out of her. I watched my cum leak out of her, and so, hopefully, did Barney. If he was pissed off – and how could he not be? – he made no move. I was starting to hope it would stay that way.
I reached over and grabbed a beer. I didn’t even have to move from between Claire’s legs to do it. I popped the cap, and tipped the bottle to her before taking a swig. “You’re a great lay, Mrs. Smithee,” I said loudly, twisting the knife.
She laughed. “So are you, Pizza Man.”
Ouch. I stood over her while I finished my beer. She sat up and poured herself a glass of wine. Then she pushed me back and slid off the table. “We both need to clean up,” Claire said.
We went inside and took a quick shower together. We talked a little bit about how this might go, but neither of us had any clear idea. We knew that we had to be winding Barney up, and if what was to come next didn’t push him over the edge, nothing would.
====
I came outside to see Tracy on her knees sucking Brad’s fat pipe. This was the first time she’d been involved with either of us. With any dick tonight, as far as I knew. Our plan was going to come to fruition now or never.
I walked up to them. “Hey, Brad, stop hogging all the pussy,” I said, loudly enough to be heard.
Brad looked at me with a grin. “Hey, I ain’t even touched a single one tonight. Look who’s talking.”
Tracy had stopped sucking Brad and looked up at me with narrow eyes. I approached her, bringing my dangly bits right up to her face, and looked down. I winked at her, and gestured toward the oleander with my eyes. She showed that she recognized what I was trying to say, but still looked skeptical.
I squatted next to her and kissed her. It surprised her, and she started to back away. “Look,” I said quietly. “Any other time, I would really like to make slow and tender love to you, then cuddle all night. But today, I’m told that I shouldn’t be nice.”
She thought a minute, glanced toward where her mother had last been seen, then nodded reluctantly. “OK. I get it.”
I stood again and looked at Brad while Tracy demonstrated her oral skills for the benefit of her father on the other side of the fence. “How about you cover the back door this time,” I suggested.
“Aww, man.” Brad was hamming it up. “I never get the pussy.”
“I know, but you like ass a lot more anyway.” We were drawing on our banter at the shop to make an act out of it. “So it only makes sense that I get the pussy.”
“I don’t know. This one looks like she hasn’t taken it in the ass before. Maybe she should start out small.”
Ohh, them’s fighting words, I thought, but I had a smile on my face. I pointed at his dick, which was now waving freely since Tracy had switched to mine. “Or, once she’s had that stretch her poop chute, she’ll be more than ready for all the other guys.”
She looked up at us as if to say, ‘Hey, I’m right here, guys.”
I winked at her again, but I had a genuine question in my expression. Was the argument Brad and I were having totally academic? She looked at Brad’s tube steak, then glanced toward the shrubbery and shrugged.
I got the message. If Barney didn’t totally flip at that king snake taking his daughter’s delicate little pucker, he never would.
I gave Brad a look that said he should concede, for the sake of art, if nothing else. He grinned, acknowledging that we both knew what the outcome would be, and telling me that he was not at all unhappy with the arrangement.
“Fine. I’ll rearrange her intestines while you wipe her kidneys,” he said. Then added, “if you can reach them.”
Tracy just rolled her eyes, but she let me pull her to her feet and lead her to the grass next to the patio. Barney would get a great view, and probably even hear Brad’s cock squelching in and out of Tracy’s tender ass.
I laid back in the grass. I grabbed my cock and waved it in the air. Tracy climbed up on me and sat on my lap. She wriggled around for a moment, stroking me against her pussy and lower belly. Then she shifted and reached under herself to push my cock into position and plunged down on it in one smooth motion.
She braced her hands on my belly and rode me. Surprisingly, I was starting to build already, and Tracy seemed to be genuinely enjoying it. Brad was gone for a minute, and returned with lube. He moved behind Tracy, and I felt her brace herself. I braced myself too. This was uncharted territory, and a place I was pretty sure I would not want to visit again.
Tracy was suddenly pushed down onto my chest, and her eyes went wide. I saw Brad lean in and do something with his hand. Tracy’s eyes went wider. Brad tossed the lube bottle down in the general direction of the oleander and moved behind her. I saw one hand on her hip, and after another few second’s Tracy’s eyes went even wider and she sucked in a sharp breath.
“Relax,” I said, giving the only advice I knew in this situation.
“Easy for you to say,” she said, before her eyes squeezed tightly shut and she winced.
She got to take a breath, but it only lasted a second. Brad was taking it slow, but slow or not, I could not imagine what Tracy was going through. Another wince, another pause.
This time, he didn’t pause, and Tracy raised her head, thrusting her tits into my chin, a deep grimace on her face. Maybe it was all for show? I heard rustling in the bushes, the kind of rustling that made no attempt to be discreet, and I heard it move along the fence.
“I think this is it,” I told both of them.
“Thank God,” Tracy said. But Brad didn’t stop. Whatever Barney was going to do, we had to be ‘caught’ in the act.
Brad satisfied himself with only penetrating her final frontier by a few inches, then set up a slow steady rhythm, both hands on her hips. The motion started rocking her body on me as well, and I was starting to forget the strange movement I felt down there and get into it.
Then all hell broke loose.
The gate crashed open, splintering wood and making hardware squeal. “Everybody freeze!” Barney yelled, his voice high and frantic, his hair a damp mop on his head. His face was red and his eyes were wild. He had on a cop uniform, but no badge.
And he was waving a gun in the air.
Five naked people froze on the patio, and the three of us in the lawn separated in an instant. Brad and I froze in the grass, sitting with our hands behind us, our legs open and our hard cocks saluting Barney’s imagined authority. Tracy curled up in a ball and stared at her father.
“That’s my daughter!” he screamed, waving the gun in every direction. “And my wife.” He gestured toward Claire with the gun. We’d pushed him over the edge alright, and we were getting more than we bargained for. This was no longer just making a guy crazy, this was genuinely dangerous.
“I’m not your wife any more,” Claire yelled.
“Shut up! You’re my wife. You always will be, in the eyes of God.”
Oh jeez. That was a bad element to add to this mix. I moved toward Tracy, thinking to shield her. But Barney saw it. He turned the gun toward me.
“Stay away from her,” he barked, starting to get his voice under control at least. Or maybe just drawing on long habit to imitate a commanding tone. “Put your hands up.”
“Yeah, he’s hiding a gun up his ass,” Claire said sarcastically.
Shut up Claire, I said to myself. This isn’t a game any more. But she persisted. “You’re not a cop any more, Barney.”
Oh shit. He pointed the gun straight at her. “Don’t call me that!” he yelled, his voice rising toward a pitch that only dogs could hear. “I am a cop. I’m just off duty.”
Claire stared down the barrel of the gun. I had to admire her guts, but I hoped she knew Barney as well as she thought she did.
Suddenly, he turned back to me, standing in a brace position with the gun pointed vaguely my way. I watched the barrel waver from side to side as his hands shook, and I just froze.
“I said put your hands up!” he screamed.
I nodded, and moving slowly, got my hands out from under me, keeping them visible the whole time. I rose to my knees and used the motion to get partially between him and Tracy.
Apparently satisfied, he looked to Brad. “You too!”
Brad complied as I had. I started to get my head together. Did I say five people on the patio? I glanced that way again. Yeah, only five. I noticed the sliding door was open, but the house inside was too dark to see anything.
Andrew. The guy Brad had been with earlier. He was the one missing. God, I hoped he hadn’t already left. I hoped he’d at least call 911.
“You’re under arrest,” Barney squeaked to Brad and me. “You attacked my daughter.”
Tracy spoke up. “Nobody attacked me. It was all consensual.”
Barney looked at her, his voice syrupy sweet and soft. “It’s OK honey, you’re safe now. We’ll get you to the station where you can tell us the truth.”
“Dad, no…” he cut her off by barking an order at me to get on my face. I had no choice. I flattened myself in the grass and kept my hands outstretched.
He moved quickly, pointing the gun at Brad as he moved toward me. A knee in my back, then my arms were wrenched painfully behind me. He had the cuffs on before I knew what was happening.
“Don’t you fucking move,” he ordered me before backing away.
I saw movement through the torn open hole in the fence that used to be the gate. Barney still had his back to it. I didn’t dare stare at that spot, nor acknowledge when I saw Andrew give me a signal. I looked away in time to see Brad moving toward Tracy to try to shield her as I had.
“I said get away from her, you God damned sodomite! Don’t move!” Barney screamed, not noticing the contradictory commands. Brad started to move away, and that’s when it all happened.
The gun went off, and I heard Brad scream in agony. An instant later, everybody else screamed. I heard a rush of motion through the gate and Andrew burst into the yard, shirtless, wearing jeans.
He rushed toward Barney faster than I’ve ever seen a man move. Barney started to turn, swinging the gun around, but he wasn’t fast enough. Andrew hit him like a tank. The gun went off again, but if anybody was hit, they didn’t make a sound.
Andrew hit Barney with a very professional looking left to his cheek, and I thought I heard bone crack. Barney’s head snapped around, and he went down, the gun flying off into the dark, but he wasn’t out yet.
I was helpless on my face, hands cuffed behind me, as Andrew and Barney started grappling on the ground. Andrew was the obviously stronger one, but Barney was fueled by adrenaline and rage.
The outcome was far from clear until I saw a blur to my side. A white elephant rushed past me, with a giant red blotch on its side, running down in wide streaks.
Brad hit the pile, fueled by his own adrenaline and rage, enough to blot out the pain. A tense thirty seconds later, Barney was on his back, with Brad sitting on his chest, knees pinning Barney’s upper arms to the ground.
Barney tried to thrash him off, but Brad hauled off and punched him square in the face. This time I was sure I heard bone crunch, and Barney yelped like a girl and went limp.
I realized I’d been hearing sirens for a while, and now they sounded close. I looked up and saw the landscape outside the fence lit up in blue and red. For once, I was glad to see real cops.
I got to my feet and moved to where Brad had Barney pinned to the ground. The last thing I saw before the cops burst through the gate was Brad reach down, grab his dick, and slap Barney across the bloody face with it, once in each direction like he was challenging the man to a gentlemanly duel, before passing out on the ground.
===
Barney’s trial was fast, but his expulsion from the police force was even faster. It turned out that the reason Claire had won everything in the divorce despite being the one to have multiple affairs was because Barney just signed it all away.
Barney’s cuckery was so shameful to him that all Claire had to do was suggest it coming out in divorce court to make Barney fold entirely. It worked the same way now. They found fresh semen on the fence and grass by the oleander, and one of the cameras around the yard had caught unmistakable motions coinciding with me nailing his wife.
He never fought his dismissal from the force, and pled no contest at the trial, to avoid the evidence being introduced. But it got out anyway, and it assured that his seven year sentence would be served as somebody’s bitch.
“It’s just a flesh wound,” Brad insisted with a sloppy grin when Chrissy and I visited him in the hospital. He was feeling no pain.
The bullet had grazed his hip, just chipping the bone, but not causing any major damage. It had bled a lot, but was never anything like life threatening. The whole crew from the store, including Tony, had come to visit him, as did everyone from the party. Andrew visited him every day.
Andrew did get the credit he deserved, from the press and from everybody else who knew the story. But the body cam footage of Brad’s dual slap was the star of the show. It went viral around the world, bringing cheers and virtual high fives from countries he didn’t even know existed.
The words dick, cock, wang, dong, schlong, and the rest were retired in reference to Brad’s penis. From then on, it had a nickname that would probably follow him for the rest of his life. And it was starting to look like that life would involve Andrew for some time to come.
He seemed OK with the nickname, and when he returned to work four weeks later, customers, both men and women, started ordering an everything with the only code we would ever need for Brad’s services. A code that was the opposite of a secret, it was known worldwide.
So if you ever hear about a pizza delivery with everything and a ‘Barney Slapper’, now you know the story.