“Babe?”
The faint voice wormed its way into Dan’s consciousness.
“Babe, wake up.”
He stirred, starting to properly wake.
“Wake up, babe, I want to suck your cock.”
Dan opened his eyes.
His girlfriend Emma was sat on the edge of the bed, dressed in the same ludicrous – and ludicrously sexy – negligee she’d worn on the first night of the holiday. Lit by the morning sun, it was virtually invisible, her massive boobs totally on display. It was a heavenly sight. Then the light triggered his hangover and he winced.
“I thought that would wake you up,” she said with a laugh. “Here, have these.” She held out a cup of tea and two paracetamol.
Dan groaned but this time in half-pleasure. “You are an angel.”
“Yeah, I know.” Emma grinned and fluffed her hair like a domestic goddess as the sun flared in a halo around her head.
Dan washed the pills down with the tea and felt strong enough to open his eyes properly again. He blinked and rubbed his face. As he did so, memories came flooding back. Christ. “If you were trying to take my mind off last night, it worked. Temporarily.”
Emma’s smile dropped. She wriggled under the covers and snuggled up to him.
“Ali is really embarrassed and ashamed. She was quite tipsy last night and just sort of blurted it out. She didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
They had all been quite tipsy last night; otherwise Dan wouldn’t have ended up walking around the house naked. Naked and having the size of his penis mocked by Emma’s insanely hot best friend.
“Yeah, well.” Dan shrugged in a way that was meant to be nonchalant but instead conveyed exactly how much his feelings had been hurt.
“Plus I told her it wasn’t true.”
Dan blinked at her. “What do you mean?”
“Like, maybe you are a grower rather than a shower but you’re not small. You’re big.” She blushed. “It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever had anyway.”
“Oh? And how many dicks have you had?” On one level, Dan was pleased his girlfriend was defending his manhood. But, on another, he wasn’t sure he wanted his dick to be the subject of continued conversation between Emma and Ali. Also – if he was being completely honest – he wasn’t sure whether Emma’s defence was grounded in empirical evidence.
“You know exactly how many dicks I’ve had: three. So consider yourself in exclusive company but top of the heap.”
“That’s not exactly the biggest sample size.”
“Would you like me to increase my sample size?” asked Emma with a raised eyebrow.
“Fuck’s sake.” Dan was starting to get pissed off now. “No, obviously not.”
“Why are you trying to argue me down? Do you want me to tell Ali she was right and you’ve got a little dick?”
“It’s not little, it’s not big, it’s just average. Normal. And I don’t like how it is somehow the main topic of conversation in this house.”
Emma snorted. “Get over yourself. The main topic of conversation in this house is how smoking hot me and Ali are.” Dan wasn’t sure he wanted that to be the main topic of conversation either. He started to speak but Emma just rolled straight over him. “Look, do you want a blowjob or what?”
Once again, Dan was starting to feel like he’d slipped into a parallel universe. “I mean, yeah, but I thought you were joking. What’s gotten into you?”
“Does a girl need a reason to suck her boyfriend off?”
“Usually, yes!”
Emma laughed and squeezed his shoulders and then Dan was laughing too. They kissed and the balance of the universe was restored.
“Fine, I know it isn’t my fave. But if I need an excuse, how about the fact that we are on holiday and it has got me all horny? And you seem like you are up for it,” she said, giving his hard dick a squeeze.
“That’s just morning wood. Nothing to do with… okay, okay!” he relented as she squeezed harder.
“Why are you trying to talk yourself out of a blowjob, you dickhead?” Emma asked incredulously.
“Oh, I’m definitely not. Just things have been a bit weird. But I’m not saying no,” Dan repeated, pulling back the covers. “You have my complete consent.”
Dan looked at his semi-hard penis. Emma looked at it too. She made no attempt to follow through on her offer. Then she actually turned away.
“Look what I got,” said Emma in a sing-song voice, turning back. She waggled a ruler in front of him.
“Jesus! Are you serious? And where did you even find that?”
“There’s a drawer full of crap in the kitchen. If you need a corkscrew, calculator or stethoscope then they’ve got that covered too.”
“Congratulations; you’ve made things even weirder.”
But Emma had her trump card to play at that point. She leaned over and engulfed fully half his dick in one fell swoop. Dan hissed as she started to bob up and down with wet slurping noises. His eyes closed and his toes curled. Then suddenly it was over.
“Bloody hell, that was the most uncomfortable position ever!” said Emma as he opened his eyes. “I’ll need a chiropractor if I keep that up. But it looks like mission accomplished.”
No, thought Dan, mission was very much not accomplished. His penis wagged wet and forlorn and aching for re-entry.
“Looks like you are at full stretch so time for Mr Ruler.”
Dan had absolutely no interest in Emma measuring his dick but nor did he want to tell her to stop. Instead he meekly lay there as she held his dick against the ruler, wishing he was back inside her mouth and hoping that this submission was his route to achieving this.
“There!” said Emma. “6.1 inches.”
Emma seemed to be expecting a response but Dan wasn’t sure what he was meant to say. Blowjob? Good. Dick measuring? A bit weird. “That was, um, fun but I’ll be honest, that sounds pretty average.”
“‘Sounds’? That’s not very scientific, is it? I actually did a bit of research last night while you were snoring away.”
“I wasn’t snoring,” said Dan, reflexively. “Wait, what? Last night after I’d gone to bed you started researching dick size?”
“Well…” Emma blushed. “We’d sort of been discussing it a bit.”
Just fucking great, thought Dan. Not only did Ali think he had a small dick, she’d told Adam and Ryan.
Emma clearly picked up on his expression. “Not like that,” she said quickly.
Like what? wondered Dan.
“Anyway, the point is I found this cool website. Tons of data. And look, you just tap it in…” Emma had her phone out and was entering something into it. “Ha! Told you! 6.1 is bigger than average. Way bigger. It says here you have a bigger dick than 82% of men.”
“Seriously?” Dan sat up straighter while looking down at his cock. It looked exactly like it always looked. Obviously. “How can that possibly be true?”
“Seriously. Ever heard of porn inches? Or girl inches?”
Porn inches? Girl inches? What had happened to his girlfriend? When had she turned into a dick size scientist?
“Basically,” Emma continued, “everyone exaggerates or overestimates. And then, of course, there is no correlation between flaccid and erect size.”
“You need to work on your pillow talk.”
She punched him playfully. “What I mean is, Ali probably didn’t see you at your best. And Adam is probably all mouth and no trousers.”
Adam was absolutely the last person whose name Dan wanted to hear right now. “I think we’ve both seen his trousers,” he said sarcastically. He paused. “Unless you’ve seen more than his trousers?”
Emma blushed. “I didn’t see anything last night. Any more than the bulge, I mean,” she added, blushing deeper. “But he’s probably a shower, not a grower.”
“On what fucking basis!? Why are we even talking about this? Look, I’m glad Ali is sorry about what she said and I’m glad you think I’ve got a big dick. But I really don’t care and I certainly don’t care about what size Adam is.” All of Dan’s frustration came pouring out of him and it even sounded sort of convincing. But as soon as he’d said it, he wondered if it was really true.
“So…” said Emma slowly. “What you are saying is, I should get back to this?” She raised her fist to her mouth, stuck her tongue in cheek and made the international sign language for blowjob. “Let me just get on my knees for you.”
Dan would have liked to pretend that he wasn’t in the mood but of course he was. His dick was still mostly hard and was rapidly getting harder as his fit as fuck girlfriend knelt on the carpet next to him. He swung himself out of bed and stood, his dick waggling towards her face.
“Why don’t you choke me with that big dick of yours?” she asked, looking up at him. She looked like some sort of Seventies Playboy wet dream.
“Um, okay.”
“It’s roleplay, babe, it doesn’t work if you go ‘um, okay’.”
“Right, yeah, okay. Yeah, choke on my dick, bitch.”
Emma grimaced. “Too far the other way.”
“Fuck’s sake, Emma, are you going to give me a blowjob or what?”
She was. She pulled him into her mouth, gave him a wink and sucked for all she was worth. Oral sex was usually an in-the-bed thing, either under the covers or lights off. It was rare for Emma to put herself in such a submissive position and she was really milking it. Literally. No, not literally, corrected the idiot English Lit student inside him before Dan pushed that fragment of his psyche back down into the depths.
This was some seriously messy head and Emma never broke eye contact as she pushed herself harder and faster than she ever had before. There was no way Dan was going to last; this was insane.
“Negligee off,” Dan grunted. Or thought he did.
“Did you just say ‘nelly-jay’?” Emma laughed, blowhob suddenly – tragically – paused. “Do you mean this sexy little thing?” She ran her hands up her body over the slinky material.
“Yes!”
She smirked and gripped her hem, pulling it up over her head. It was one of Dan’s favourite sights. Her huge firm tits flattened against her chest and raised up and up, following the movement of her arms. The flimsy cover revealed them inch by inch until it was discarded, Emma’s arms dropped and her boobs thudded down, jostling each other for space as they settled back into position.
He almost came there and then. Something that didn’t go unnoticed by Emma.
“Where do you want to finish? In my mouth or on my boobs? You can’t come on my face,” she added hurriedly.
“I wasn’t going to ask!”
“Good boy. Well, which is it?”
“Tits, please.”
“Tits it is.”
She went back to work but almost immediately Dan was pulling himself out of her mouth and pointing his aching dick down at her boobs. They were so fat and firm that they formed their own cleavage even without a bra. He absolutely soaked them; hosing them down as he juddered and shot rope after rope of sperm.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuck,” he breathed as he finally finished. It was by far the best blowjob of his entire life.
“You’re welcome. Now, that was fun but messy,” Emma said, hoisting her slime-coated boobs up for inspection. “You need to get me cleaned up. Clean yourself up too; you stink.”
Dan saluted as she stood up. She slapped his arse in reply.
They had just made it into the shower when Dan’s hangover reasserted itself. The paracetamol hadn’t kicked in and his body was no longer distracted. He winced and then the shower blasted him in the face and pushed the pain away again. It was so much better than their own shower back in London which never seemed to have enough pressure. He luxuriated in it until he was jabbed in the ribs.
“You’ve got work to do. Soap my tits.”
Had Dan died? Was this paradise? Fuck Adam, fuck Ali, this was his and Emma’s holiday and this was heaven. She squirted shower gel into his hands and he brought them up to cup her boobs.
“These are your dirtiest bits, right?”
“Yeah, some ruffian soiled them.” She smirked. “I’ve got some other dirty bits though.”
“I’ll get to those afterwards.”
They kissed, the water flowing down Dan’s back as he massaged Emma’s breasts. Her nipples were hardening and he caught them in the V of his fingers. He had handled her breasts a lot – something he continued to thank his lucky stars for – and knew exactly when to be hard and when to be soft with them. Emma groaned and rolled round, driving her bum into his crotch as hands resumed their task and his body embraced her.
“I could stay like this forever,” Emma murmured. Dan felt rather than saw her hand making its way down between her legs. He heard rather than felt her enter herself, a soft sound escaping her lips as she breached her nether lips. They stayed that way for an indeterminate amount of time until she started to fuck herself in earnest. She growled in ecstasy and frustration; seemingly working herself into a frenzy without approaching her climax. She grabbed the shower off the wall and directed it straight down at her cunt, blasting her slit. She yelped but persisted, her free hand grabbing at Dan and pulling his hand alongside the jet of water.
“Put your finger up my bum,” she urged hoarsely.
Dan did so. This was also pretty rare and he wasn’t about to demur; Emma only asked for this when she was totally in the moment. His lathered up finger smoothly slid inside her, the tight ring of flesh yielding to him. Emma moaned as he penetrated her.
“Yes. Fuck my tight little arsehole.” That was a new one. Anal penetration had always been an embarrassment for her, a dirty need, she’d never embraced it before. Her hand gripped his frantically and she started to fuck herself with his fingers in both holes.
Dan was at half mast now, an unbelievably quick recovery only made possible by the overpowering eroticism of the event. He wanted to touch himself but both his hands were full. Instead he did as he was told and sawed his finger in and out of her arse as he played with her pussy.
Emma shuddered, her breathing becoming more and more laboured. “Tits,” she gasped urgently. “Grab my tits.”
“Which hand?”
“Back!”
Dan pulled his finger from the crushing confines of her rectum and grabbed her breasts. He reached her nipples and tweaked them hard. Emma had turned the shower to its strongest, narrowest setting and was playing this over her clit as his finger dug frantically into her cunt.
“Again! Harder!”
Dan pulled her nipples again, hard enough to distend her breasts. Hard enough to hurt. Hard enough to make Emma come.
“Aiiiii!”
Her legs buckled and she toppled back into Dan, almost knocking them both over. The shower head swung free and cracked into the shower door. “Chist!” he laughed as he caught her and steadied them against the wall.
“Yeah, that was a big one!”
She turned and melted into his arms, kissing him deeply and desperately. “Let’s get dressed and see what the day has in store.”
* * *
“Hey, it’s Wee Willie Winkie!”
Adam was lying on a lounger in his now traditional uniform of red Speedos, black Raybans and shit-eating grin. Ali was perched on the edge of a lounger in a baggy T-shirt looking like she’d only recently arrived. There was no sign of Ryan.
Adam’s grin got wider as he clocked what Emma was wearing. “Woah, nice bikini, Emma!”
It was a nice bikini. The sort of bikini that Dan had never anticipated her wearing. Even after everything that had happened so far this morning, it was still a surprise when she slipped into it after their shower. It was a bright blue bikini, tied at the hips and the back of the neck. The bottom revealed more of Emma’s bum than had ever been seen in public before and the top… the top was the sort of thing a glamour model would wear to start a photoshoot before swiftly jettisoning. By contemporary beach standards, it was extremely normal but for Emma’s figure – and her personality – it was shockingly lewd.
“Fuck off, Adam,” said Emma curtly as she walked past, taking the furthest spot.
“Yeah, fuck off, Adam,” repeated Ali. “I’m so sorry, Dan.”
“It’s fine,” said Dan as he sat on the lounger between the two girls. He wasn’t sure how convincing he sounded.
“No, really, I am sorry. It was rude as hell. I thought it was, like, a smart quip but my judgement was off. There is banter and there is crossing the line. Friends?”
She held out her hand and Dan couldn’t help but be overcome by her sincerity.
“Friends,” he agreed. “And you really shouldn’t need to be prepared to bump into some random naked man. That’s kinda crossing a line too. This is a pretty crazy holiday!”
“We haven’t even started yet,” Adam shouted, desperate to reinsert himself. Dan and Ali looked at each other and rolled their eyes. He could virtually hear Emma doing the same.
“You aren’t some random guy; you are my best girl’s best guy,” said Ali, “You know what, I haven’t put on any cream yet. Since you aren’t a random guy, maybe you could help me?”
“Maybe,” Dan agreed. He turned his head round quickly to look at Emma.
“She asked you, babe, not me.”
“It would be my pleasure,” he said, turning back to Ali.
“Great!” Her perky personality perfectly matched her perky body. With another megawatt smile, she whipped her T-shirt off and flipped onto her tummy. True to form, the bikini underneath basically consisted of three bits of string. “You can start with the back. Cream’s there,” she added, flinging her arm out vaguely to the side.
If it had been Emma – or if he’d been Adam – he’d have straddled her back but that just seemed too intimate, particularly since the thong bottom of her bikini exposed almost her entire arse. Instead he stood next to her and started to squeeze the cream onto her shoulders.
“One sec,” called Ali and she reached back to undo her bikini top, letting the ties flop down off the lounger and leaving her back completely naked. “Okay, go for it!”
Dan went for it. He methodically applied the cream to every inch of her back, just like she was his girlfriend and not his girlfriend’s gorgeous best friend. And his girlfriend wasn’t sat directly behind him. And the surprisingly large swell of her breasts weren’t pushing round the side of her chest, perilously close to the tips of his fingers.
“Now the fun bit!” said Ali. Jesus, Dan though, she is absolutely incorrigible. But she wasn’t wrong.
Emma had a nice arse: smooth, firm, shapely. Ali’s was something else though. As Dan’s cream covered hands made contact with those glorious globes, he knew he was touching something special. Ali’s arse was almost supernaturally plump and tight. There was virtually no give; Dan could have bounced a pound coin off her bum cheek.
He didn’t want to linger but nor did he want to rush. Inevitably, however, Dan started to feel himself getting hard. He willed his traitorous dick down but it was no fool; he was rubbing cream into a pair of buttocks that could have been hung in the Louvre. What did he expect? His attempts to relax were fruitless, all he could hope was that no one noticed.
“Hey, Dan, have you popped a little stiffy?” Adam called out.
For fuck’s sake. For all of five minutes Dan had gained the high ground and now he was straight back to being humiliated. But, unexpectedly, his amazing girlfriend rode to the rescue.
“If he has, that’s pretty impressive since I sucked him dry twenty minutes ago.”
There was stunned silence until Ali chipped in, “Whoa, nice work, Emma! You can’t blame him though; sorry, my arse is next level.”
“Yeah,” echoed Dan without thinking. It was alright though, both girls just laughed. Apparently this was an acceptably abstract aesthetic judgement. Adam was noticeably silent; there was no snarky rejoinder this time. Dan realised he’d probably gone to bed horny as fuck and had to play with himself.
“Don’t worry, babe, we’ve all seen it,” Emma said. “She’s a freak of nature.”
“Hey!” protested Ali. “You’re one to talk!” She made a hand movement behind her head that, while vague, clearly conveyed the fact that Emma was the owner of a big pair of baps.
“Maybe move onto the legs now though,” Emma continued, a hint of laughter in her voice.
Dan thought that was probably a good idea. He moved onto Ali’s thighs – also fucking amazing – and then worked his way down. By the time he got to her ankles, his dick had softened enough that at least there was no risk of tenting. He was also feeling pretty bold.
“You’ve got really cute feet, Ali,” he said.
“Hey, thanks! Yeah, they are sexy little things, aren’t they?”
“What the hell!?” asked Emma, mock affronted. “I never knew you had a foot fetish.”
Dan shrugged. “There has to be more to life than tits and ass, right?”
“Not true,” chimed in Adam. Dan couldn’t help it, he laughed and then Emma and Ali did the same. The whole atmosphere changed. Perhaps Dan just needed to get a higher banter threshold. Perhaps the line Ali had talked about crossing needed to move further and further outwards.
But then the atmosphere changed again.
“Okay, time to do the front!” Ali said this as casually as if it was any other domestic chore. She then turned over as nonchalantly as if she was fully clothed and hadn’t undone her bikini top minutes earlier. Said bikini top stayed where it was on the lounger leaving Ali naked except for a minimal thong that provided just as little coverage at the front as the rear.
Fuck me, Dan thought to himself.
Her tits were like an optical illusion. Objectively they couldn’t be that big… but they looked huge. Not huge huge like Emma’s but their fullness against Ali’s frame was incredible. They were also capped by incredibly thick, long and dark nipples. Dan felt his mouth literally start to water.
He swallowed. “Um, Emma, is this still just between me and Ali?” he managed.
She didn’t answer him directly. “Jesus, Ali, you are too much.” Emma’s tone was half admiring, half pissed off.
“What?” Ali’s tone was likewise half innocent, half sly.
“You want my boyfriend to spurt his cream all over your boobs, that’s what. Where’s that fucking line you were talking about earlier?”
“Yo, Dan, if you are too whipped then sling the cream this way.”
“Fuck off, Adam,” the three of them shouted back in unison.
“This is France. You should see the beaches! Vive le knockers and all that. Besides, there is nothing inherently sexual about boobs,” said Ali.
That might have been true about some boobs, Dan reflected, but it was definitely not true of these boobs.
“Oh yeah, your rack is totally non-sexual,” said Emma with an epic eye roll. “That’s why the boys are literally drooling over them.” Dan almost brought his hand up to his mouth but managed to check himself just in time.
“Seriously, how could you be jealous of these little things?”
“They are hardly little. But yeah,” Emma continued, a bit of lightness returning to her voice, “I got you beat, bitch.” To emphasise this fact, she gave herself a quick jiggle.
“Oh shit, bitch fight. Hold up while I get the olive oil and the pair of you can wrestle on the lawn.” Everyone just ignored Adam this time.
“I’m not jealous but you can’t buy forgiveness with boobs,” continued Emma as if he hadn’t spoken.
Ali raised an eyebrow.
“Dan has already forgiven me. But let’s ask the audience: Adam, can you buy forgiveness with boobs?”
“Hell yes,”
“Dan, same question.”
“I mean…” began Dan.
“Don’t answer that, you idiot,” Emma interrupted. “Are you trying to get yourself in trouble?”
Dan sighed. “Look, I don’t have any interest in Ali’s boobs, I’m just trying to be helpful. While we are arguing, they are getting blasted with deadly ultraviolet radiation. It is basically against the hippocratic oath for me to stand here and let that happen.”
Hippocratic oath, Emma mouthed at him in disbelief.
“Holy shit, dude, smooth,” shouted Adam with consummate unhelpfulness.
“I think he’s got you there, Emma,” agreed Ali.
“Oh really?” Emma’s voice had a dangerous note to it and for the first time Dan started to get actually worried. Banter was one thing but it had switched to three against one and Emma didn’t like to be backed into a corner. “I am also dangerously exposed to radiation and my boyfriend – who, unbeknownst to me, is a fucking doctor – is treating another patient before me. Maybe I need to get Adam to apply my treatment.”
“Now we are fucking talking,” said Adam. He actually sat up on the edge of his lounger, ready to spring into action.
“Like, a topical application to the same area as, er, my patient?” asked Dan, wondering how the fuck the conversation had ended up here.
“Exactly. Or do you think you should get a second opinion on your original diagnosis?” There was definitely an edge to Emma’s question.
“Hold up, Emma,” Ali said, sitting up. Dan tried to ignore how that made her double handful bobble delightfully. “Cut the pas-agg and just say what’s on your mind. We are all friends here.”
Sort of, thought Dan. Very decidedly sort of.
Emma gave her a hard stare… but she couldn’t hold it. She threw her hands up into the air in mock despair. The chain reaction this set off on her chest was definitely more than a bobble and Dan knew he wasn’t alone in enjoying it. “Ali, you are too much! Okay, here goes,” she said. “One, no, I’m not super comfortable with my boyfriend fondling someone else’s boobs, even if that someone else is just an incorrigible flirt rather than an actual slut. Although… that last point is fucking debatable. Two, it does sound kinda hot. Three, I don’t really want to get my boobs out. Four, getting my boobs out does sound kinda hot and I’m also kinda jealous of Ali just being a shameless slut.”
“You just said I wasn’t a slut,” protested Ali.
“Five,” continued Emma, ignoring her best friend. “If these guys are seeing some boobs, I better see some dick.”
There was silence for a moment. Then Adam said, “You only had to ask!” He pulled his trunks down in one smooth movement and stood up. His fat flaccid penis lolled lazily between his legs.
Dan couldn’t help but look. Maybe Adam was a shower not a grower but he was a hell of a shower. “Fuck’s sake, Adam, I haven’t had my breakfast yet,” he said in disgust.
“100% British pork sausage right here.” In case Dan didn’t understand what Adam was talking about, he pointed at his dick whilst pivoting his hips so it slapped against his thighs.
“Bold,” said Emma. “But soft sausage isn’t worth world class boobs. I was thinking something a bit more active.” As she said this, she picked up her novel and waggled it in the air. At first Dan had no idea what she was doing, then he realised what she was using as a bookmark.
“You have to be fucking kidding,” he whispered.
“Nuh uh,” said Emma.
“What are you two talking about?” asked Ali. “Have you forgotten the constant bombardment of radiation? I can feel my babies ageing as we speak.”
“I’m talking about a tradeoff. The boys help us with our radiation problem; we get to measure their dicks.”
Ali raised her sunglasses onto her forehead. “Who are you and what have you done with Emma Jones?”
“I’m tired of you flaunting your body and me feeling like an old maid and I don’t like you both teasing my boyfriend about his dick. So we can all just lay it down on the table. As it were.” Banter was gone again; this was from the heart.
“You know I never meant to hurt you, Emma,” said Ali seriously.
“You aren’t hurting me, I’m hurting myself! But I want to get rid of my hang-ups and I don’t want you to give my boyfriend new hang-ups.”
“Ali is one hundred percent in my good books now,” said Dan, perhaps unwisely.
“I’ll bet, you child. She’s pushing your buttons like a Sugababe.”
“I’ll push your buttons, baby,” said Adam.
“Which Sugababe?” said Ali simultaneously. “Bags Mutya.”
“I hate you both. But… are you in?”
“Yes!” Adam and Ali said at the same time. “Jinx!” They both spoke in synchronisation again and laughed.
Dan didn’t laugh and wasn’t so quick to say yes. “This is pretty out there. What if I say no?”
“Your call. But then Ali creams herself and Adam creams me and if he gets hard – which, I mean, he’s gonna! – then maybe I give him a little measure.”
“But why? You don’t even like him!”
Adam pulled a pretend pout. What an arsehole. Why did he care if someone liked him or not as long as he got to play with their tits?
“It’s not about ‘like’, babe, it’s about…” She stopped “I don’t know exactly what it is about. But this seems like a safe space to explore some stuff and what happens in Provence, stays in Provence.”
“Co-sign,” said Adam.
“What about Ryan?” Dan asked. He didn’t really give a shit what Ryan thought, he was just playing for time.
Emma shrugged. “I don’t think he cares if his brother touches my tits.” She paused. “Correction,” she said, looking at Ali. “He would be jealous as fuck but that is neither here nor there.”
“I meant Ali!”
“What about me?” asked Ali.
“I meant, what would Ryan think if his girlfriend was involved in a dick measuring contest without him?”
“I think he’d probably prefer that it was me touching your dick than him,” said Ali.
Dan’s heart practically stopped when she said ‘touching you dick’ and Emma’s eyes flicked sideways. The implications suddenly seemed more real to both of them. Dan thought for a moment Emma was going to take a step back, see sense and stop the whole thing. But no.
“So, you in?” asked Emma.
“I’m in,” said Adam.
“Yeah, we know that, Adam.”
“Cool, cool.”
“Dan?”
“Yeah, I’m in, I guess,” he said. Dan sighed. If he was going along with this, he might as well get on with it before he had second thoughts. He hurriedly pulled down his shorts and stood up, blushing. He still had the remains of a semi but he was clearly a lot smaller than Adam currently.
“Looks like Ali was telling the truth,” said Adam with a smirk.
“It’s a normal dick, Adam, and yours isn’t even that big,” said Ali. Dan wasn’t sure if she still felt the need to overcompensate for what she said last night but he was grateful nonetheless.
“Bigger than his,” muttered Adam and Dan remembered conclusively why he hated him.
“I’m proud of you, babe,” said Emma, “I’m still scared though! Should I do it?”
Dan looked at her incredulously but Ali answered for him. “Yes, you should do it! You’ve just made everyone strip naked, bitch.”
“I didn’t make you do anything, bitch. Okay, okay. Right. Here goes.”
All three looked at Emma. Emma didn’t do anything.
“Do you need a countdown?” asked Ali sarcastically. “It’s like jumping in the pool: don’t pussyfoot around, just jump in. Dan, you don’t need to wait, get stuck in.” To emphasise her point, she squeezed sun cream between her breasts. The plastic fart the bottle made broke the tension and drew Dan’s eyes back to her chest.
“Fucking hell, I am gonna get hard in about a nano second when I touch those,” said Dan.
“Bro, me too. Have you seen your girfriend’s tits? They are fucking epic!”
“Yes, I have seen my girlfriend’s tits and I’m sure she is very grateful for your opinion.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, dude. And stop pretending you are focussed on your girlfriend’s tits at the moment! Ali, your tits are fucking epic too. Differently epic but if you weren’t by brother’s bird I definitely would.”
“Why, Adam, that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me,” said Ali, batting her eyelashes at him. “What about you Dan, do you think my tits are fucking epic?”
“You know I do! Now, I’m standing here naked like a fucking idiot with two people I hardly know, Emma, so are you going to quit being a cocktease and follow through?”
“Gross, don’t follow through. But do get your tits out,” said Adam.
“Adam, Jesus Christ, are you trying to make me hate you?” shouted Dan.
“Hey, I’m just me being me. Love me or hate me, that’s on you. I bet Emma will love me though.”
“All mouth and no trousers,” said Emma, untying her bikini. Dan would have felt better if she hadn’t been staring at Adam’s not inconsiderable dick while his eyes bulged out on stalks like a cartoon character as her – yes, it was true – epic tits were unleashed. “You boys are so basic,” continued Emma. But she was speaking slightly too quickly to cover her embarrassment and a blush was rising on her cheeks. “You’ve not even touched us and you are about to jizz.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” said Adam. “I tossed off twice this morning. Once for each of you.”
“Groooooooossssss,” said Ali without any hint of opprobrium.
Dan made an executive decision at that point: he wasn’t going to look at what was happening next to him, he was just going to dive in. As if his mind was disassociated from his body, his hands reached out and touched Ali’s chest. Then they just sort of stayed there, his arms outstretched and unmoving, clamped over her breasts.
“What are you, a zombie? You gotta rub it in.”
“No problem.” Dan was proud his voice didn’t croak in the slightest.
There was an enormous squelch next to him. He didn’t look. So what if an arsehole with a big dick was squirting suncream on his girlfriend’s tits? So what if this douchenoozle had masturbated while thinking about fucking her just this morning. So what? Dan had bigger fish to fry.
He moved his hands. Ali’s skin was so incredibly smooth and firm, there was so little give to her taut mounds. There wasn’t much to squeeze and yet each breast filled his hand.
In the centre, sat her dark brown nipples. They were, frankly, huge. Disproportionately large even for her disproportionately large breast. And such a delectable contrast to Emma’s pale little nips. What was the deal with nipples? They needed suncream too, right? But it seemed like another escalation of intimacy.
“Your boobs are epic,” he whispered to Ali.
“And your hands are niiiiiiiiice. Don’t tell Ryan but this is turning me on.”
“So, not entirely asexual,” said Dan, as he drew his hands in towards the two prominent points of her breasts. He let his thumbs graze her hard nipples. Dan fantasised about leaning down and sucking them. More than fantasised, he actively considered it. Would Ali even object?
“I think I said non-sexual. And yeah, that was bullshit. I like it. I think Emma does too.”
Yes, Dan had heard Emma’s soft moan too. Whatever Adam was doing it was not asexual or non-sexual or anything but dirty as hell. Don’t look, don’t look, he told himself.
“That’s quite enough of that. You must be hard by now,” said Emma, interrupting his thoughts. “Yo, Ali, is Dan hard?”
“Are you joking?” Ali’s hand shot out and cupped him causing Dan to gasp. “Hard as a mother fucking rock.”
“Potty mouth,” said Emma primly. “Time for the serious business though. Hmm.” She tapped the ruler against her lip. “I think they are pretty much the same but Adam’s is uglier,” said Emma. That was nice, thought Dan, but he wasn’t entirely sure he believed her. “About the same, right?” she asked, seeming to echo Dan’s worries. Apparently this question was directed towards Ali.
Ali grimaced. “I mean, close?”
Okay, now Dan had to look. Right, there was Emma topless and glistening, her breast clearly recently manhandled. And there was Adam, his dick hard as hell and not much bigger than his massive semi but still… really quite big. Not just big but, crucially, bigger, thought Dan. Not important, not important, but… sort of important. Maybe he had the prettier cock but who wanted that? If Adam’s was uglier it was only because it was intimidatingly large.
“Close? As if! Do some fucking science on this bad boy.”
“Did you just refer to your dick as a ‘bad boy’? Urgh, my fanny has sealed itself shut.”
“Course it has, course it has. That’s why you were fucking moaning when I was playing with your tits. That’s why your gusset’s all damp now.”
“No, it isn’t!” Emma retorted, glancing down at the crotch of her bikini bottoms.
“Made ya look!” said Adam smugly. “And if you had to look to check then you couldn’t be sure.”
“Fuck off, Adam,” Dan said. But, as he righteously defended Emma’s honour – or perhaps his own, he wasn’t entirely sure – Ali sat up next to him and whispered, “I’m wet too.”
“Jesus,” Dan said in a whisper of his own. “You’re too much, Ali.”
She winked at him. “Throw me the ruler, Emma,” she called, raising her voice.
“No need, I did him earlier: 6.1.”
Goddamn, cockblocked by his own girlfriend.
“Nuh uh,” replied Ali. “You promised me dick measuring and dick measuring I will have. Besides, gathering more data is always beneficial to a research project.”
“Fiiiiiiiiiine.” Emma tossed the ruler over. “Think you can stay hard while you are waiting?” she asked Adam.
“Are you kidding? But if you are worried, you can always give me a helping hand.” In case there was any ambiguity about what this meant, he gave himself a helping hand, grabbing his fat, curved and completely hard dick and giving it a tug.
Emma put two fingers towards her mouth and made a gagging expression. But Dan couldn’t help noticing she was staring at Adam’s dick as she did so. If what she’d said earlier was true and he was her biggest then Adam – who clearly had him beat – had the biggest dick she’d ever seen.
Then he stopped thinking about Adam’s dick entirely as Ali’s hand wrapped around his own. He couldn’t help it. He gasped.
“Sorry, is my hand cold?” A smile played over Ali’s lips as she said this. Because no, of course it wasn’t cold, her delicate little hand was hot and damp and slightly greasy with cream. “Don’t worry, it will all be over soon.”
“Don’t rush on my account,” he managed.
“Oi!”
Ali ignored Emma and Dan did the same. His cock looked huge in her tiny hand and he felt his balls involuntarily tighten. What was the biggest dick she’d ever had? Was Ryan as big as his brother? Or as big as him? Or smaller? Was Ali currently holding her biggest dick?
Before Dan’s imagination could run away with him, she wasn’t holding any dick.
“Initial data validated. A very respectable 6.1 inches.” Ali threw the ruler back to Emma.
“Ha, Dan looked like he was about to nut on you! Priceless. Right, my turn. Don’t be shy, Emma, wrap your hand around that. If you can,” he added, throwing a smirk towards Dan.
Dan tried to ignore the jibe but it was hard when his girlfriend was doing exactly what Adam had suggested. Emma’s hand was definitely bigger than Ali’s but the contrast in size was even greater than when Ali had measured him.
Dan swallowed and forced himself not to look away. This morning, his own dick had been the biggest penis Emma had ever touched and now it very clearly wasn’t. Forget about porn inches, Adam had a genuine pornstar dick; the sort of dick Dan watched in videos and wished he had.
Emma laid the ruler on him but before she could say anything, Adam crowed: “Seven inches! Not bad!”
“That isn’t seven inches, it’s 6.8 inches,” corrected Emma, releasing his penis and, perhaps unconsciously, wiping her palm on her leg.
“Same difference.”
“It’s only, like, half an inch bigger than Dan.” Emma might have meant well but Dan didn’t consider this a very helpful interjection.
“More like three quarters of an inch. Length and girth.”
“Well, I hope it makes you very happy,” said Dan sarcastically.
“Yeah, my big dick does make me very happy actually. I mean, fair play, you aren’t actually a midget like I thought but I got you beat and then some. Grower versus shower, my arse. Hey, Ali, what about Ryan?”
Seriously? This guy was asking his brother’s girlfriend about his brother’s dick size?
“Oh, a bit of both,” Ali said vaguely, causing Adam to smirk. He clearly thought he had come out top of the trio with Dan in the relegation zone.
“So what now?” asked Adam, rubbing his hands together. As he did so, his dick waggled slightly from side to side. Dan was definitely softening, his hands removed from Ali’s epic tits and his cock comprehensively outclassed, but Adam was as hard as ever.
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“What do you mean, what now?” Emma replied, re-tying her bikini top.
Ali sat up with a grin, her perfect tits glistening in the sun. “I think he means, since he’s standing there with his prize erection, why haven’t we thrown ourselves on our knees in worship of his monster manhood? Where is his victor’s handjob? Or maybe even blowjob? Is that right, Adam?”
“Er, yeah, if you want.” Adam sounded confused and slightly petulant. Ali’s withering response had absolutely skewered his pride.
“No, Adam, we very much don’t want,” Ali said. Emma shook her head in agreement. “If you can’t wait for that thing to go down on its own, I suggest you do what you do every night.” Ali made the wanker gesture at him, put her Airpods in and lay back down.
Dan pulled up his trunks, gave Adam a mock salute and rolled over to read his book. For a while he couldn’t concentrate – images of Ali’s tits and Adam’s dick floating in front of the words – but eventually he got back into it.
* * *
Dan didn’t realise he’d fallen asleep until Ryan’s voice woke him up. It boomed out in the tranquillity of the courtyard shattering the vibe with mock affront.
“Oh, I see the table is set and lunch is all ready for my return.”
Judging from the shuffling and groaning around him, Dan hadn’t been the only one to succumb to the combo of sun, sexual exertion and hangover. His stomach gurgled and his mouth was sticky-dry.
“Why are you so fucking loud?” moaned Adam.
“Because I’ve been out in the world getting things done for the last, ooh, five hours. What have you lot been doing? Snoozing?”
Dan sat up and looked around, slightly guilty. The guilt didn’t seem to be shared. Ali stretched and yawned. “We’ve been productive too. Emma initiated a dick measuring competition. Want to add your digits to the rankings?” she continued as Emma gave an outraged squeak and threw a bottle of sun cream at her.
Dan expected Ryan to be pissed but he just laughed. “Maybe later.”
“I won, by the way,” chipped in Adam.
“I’m very pleased for you. One for the CV,” said Ryan with a shake of his head. His tone was so patiently blank that even his indefatigably cocksure brother seemed momentarily embarrassed. “I’m going to get in the pool. You can tell me all about your incredibly productive morning over lunch. Which better be ready by the time I get out.