Hello good folks! A few notes. Thank you, thank you, for the comments. I’m catching up on them as fast as life allows. I truly appreciate the constructive criticism. I’m talking it all to heart and felt like I owed some explanation. Don’t worry, I am taking what you say to heart and will make the changes!
All the following is said in sincere appreciation. This piece is long, it’s over the top dramatic, it has a ton of dialog, and even soliloquies. And believe me, I know I am neither the bard nor Hemingway. The reason I tagged this as melodrama is because the story encompasses all of those “shortcomings”. I don’t think the problem is doing them, it’s that I don’t do them well enough – yet. I didn’t want you to see more of the same and think I was ignoring the time and effort you have taken to help me.
I have written technical pieces, articles, and humor pieces. All thrive on brevity or the addition or subtraction of a single word for the sake of cadence. I haven’t done emotions. I haven’t done much with “flow”. So I jumped in with both feet and here we are. I was probably enjoying throwing off my shackles too much.
Though I thought I was done with this story, I will try to incorporate the wonderful advice I’ve gotten in later chapters. Thanks again.
Now, lets (hopefully) have some fun.
Solid Booster
Gary
Kathy came over to the house that night. She had done a great job of staying in touch with me. I hope NASA was giving her hazardous duty pay. She didn’t knock when she arrived, she simply tried the door. Finding it open she entered. She found me in the kitchen, where immediately upon seeing me sitting at the table, she simply bent to wrap her arms around me.
I asked Kathy, “Did it get better after I left?”
“Yes Gary. It did, which is what you wanted. But… it didn’t last.” She winced telling me. It seemed all my news was bad, Kathy hated adding to it.
I didn’t blink, with dread in my voice I asked, “What else?”
“I think you would’ve liked it in a different time and place. It just about made an administrator wet himself, the poor guy was already white as a sheet, seeing how awkwardly things had gone with you and her family. Knowing it was Peg’s spouse who left trying to make it better gave him cold sweats. That’s nail-biting time for those poor folks, and he was right.
“Gary, I know something of body language. I know your wife and that cosmonaut are close, that there’s camaraderie. No Russian “comrade” pun intended. But Gary, Peg’s wasn’t the look of a wife having an affair. It was a person very excited with a partner, like a sports partner, or dancing partner. Yes, their hand holding was inappropriately warm, but not the heat of lust or love.
I answered, “I saw it. I agree,” which put Kathy in an unexpected place. She had thought I would be devastated not calm and collected.
“Okay, um, good. You saw that, but you are worried worse is coming. I really think you handled that as well as it could have been handled. I also think you stepped on any burgeoning emotions between them, Gary. It will be twice as hard for Alexi to get through her emotional barriers now. And if you didn’t make enough of an impact, your father-in-law set things on fire.”
While knowing the situation wasn’t good, Kathy couldn’t completely contain a wry smile.
“Oh really?” I smiled wryly myself.
“Oh yeah. When he finally spoke, he introduced himself as a “Marine Master Sergeant” and told Alexi he didn’t know if Alexi was a communist or not, but that he and his fellow marines had ended the careers and lives of numerous communist aggressors.”
My eyebrows raised.
Catching my expression Kathy chimed, “Yep, he said that. He also added that if he got word Alexi ever touched his daughter again, “even to stop a spin or keep her from drifting off into space”, that he would personally make sure that the village Alexi grew up in, the city where he lived, the bar where he drank, and every friend and family member Alexi ever had would be turned to ash before consigning Alexi to the infernal region with his own bare hands.”
Kathy suppressed a smile watching my face at each passing sentence. I let out a low whistle while Kath nodded.
“He stormed out at that point. Alexi looked angry at first, but as your father-in-law kept going Alexi turned as white as the administrator. Peg’s father wasn’t speaking with a bluster, but with the cold efficiency of a man giving a blood oath. At the very minimum Alexi knew his fellow space station crewmember’s father actually intended to fulfill the promise of Alexi’s personal Armageddon if he played the aggressor.”
I just whistled louder while Kath smiled and nodded more enthusiastically, adding a happy, “Oh yeah. Definitely Cosmonautus Interuptus.”
“I stayed with Peg’s mom and sister after her dad stormed out trying to patch things up. We stayed and spoke to Peg after the press conference. She was very alone by then; Alexi was long gone. We patched things up to an extent. But her dad had said all of that looking directly at Peg, not Alexi. Your desire that this be the best day of her life ended there. I hope she will remember that it was her dad that did that and not you.” Kathy thought a moment before adding, “Peg has to stop the singular “you” bullshit and restart using that word to describe you both together!”
Kathy was steamed. It was nice feeling I had folks who cared about me. My father-in-law and Kathy were doing me proud. It was a shame I couldn’t completely say the same about my wife.
Kathy continued, “To that end I brought up the fact that it was your wish that her wonderful spacewalk performance not be tainted. I explained you understood all too well because you felt Peg treated you like you were tainted before her flight, even though you had no responsibility or even say in most of those nasty episodes. I added the words “just like today” and pulled my hand up as a reminder of her actions with Alexi.
“That resonated with Peggy, Gary. I went on to say that you truly wanted to experience the thrill of what she was doing with her.
“I made sure she understood that if only one thing could be learned from today that you felt nothing should taint her spacewalk, and that you have never been as proud of anything you had ever done as you were of Peggy’s accomplishments concerning her space flight. She got it, Gary. I know she did, because later I sent her a message.
“I told her exactly this: Gary loves you. He’s nuts about you! He’s starving for any knowledge or information of you. Peg, he was almost in tears at the prospect of hearing your voice. You should have seen him watching your spacewalk. I think it was one of the three most beautiful things he has ever seen in his life. Probably right there with you walking down the aisle in your wedding dress, and you the first time you made love.”
“Gary, first thing Peggy said was castigating herself for holding Alexi’s hand. She said it didn’t mean anything except trying to give credit where credit was due. She said she wanted to introduce her spacewalk partner to her family. She thought that would make her space flight seem more normal and therefore more real to them. She was heartily sorry for how it all played out. She knew it looked horrible, especially what it must have looked like to you.
“Peg said she was so happy about what you were saying. She wasn’t sure initially why her family was upset, but you were sticking up for her. It thrilled her you were. Then she realized everyone knew she was holding his hand. She said she would never forget that despite everything she put you through, you were still watching out for her and protecting her. She said that was testament to the incredible love of an incredible man.
“Gary forgive me, but I thought I had a chance to drive a few notions home. Peggy has been far too insulated from you and what she did because of her launch prep. I confirmed her actions with Alexi were horrible, they didn’t merely look that way. Especially as the two of them floated out of a compartment where they had been alone, apparently changing clothing in front of each other, and hugged. She was beside herself that you and her family saw that. She said they never took off their skivvies, but their shirts were soaked from the spacewalk, they just wanted to don new ones to look fresher to speak to you and the press. Understanding how it would make you feel, even if you never knew about it, made her sorry she did it in the first place.
“I told her that I know the space station and how it works, the lack of private space and time, and so does her husband thank God. But to her family it looked like you two just floated out of the bedroom having had a wonderful tryst, sharing a last moment of togetherness before you had to go live on camera.”
“What did she say to that?”
“Oh shit,” Kathy beamed.
I confirmed, “Oh shit, indeed!”
“Then I reminded your wife that she hadn’t acted like a woman who just got her salad tossed, and that her husband understood that sort of thing is almost impossible up there. Then I told her, “But Gary’s drowning. Why have you written to everyone else and shut him off? You’re killing him. Stop it! He doesn’t want you to feel guilt or awkwardness, he meant everything he said to you. He’s dying to share your accomplishments up there with you. He knows how hard and how long you have worked to get there. He knows how much you sacrificed to get up there, Peg. He’s your biggest fan!”
“Peg replied, “Yes Kathy, he knows exactly what I sacrificed: him.””
“We know that Peg, but the sacrifice was made. Your presence and success up there right now is precisely what makes all the sacrifices worthwhile, especially Gary’s. You made him pay a terrible price for your success, please don’t exclude him now. If you do, every fear he’s had about you not loving him will actually turn true. What else could he think, but that you don’t care for him anymore. And… that you have already left him, and are never coming back.”
“Oh Kathy!”
“Peg, it’s simple and easy. Gary wants to be excited with you, please share that with him. He will take it, magnify it ten-fold, and give it back to you. He doesn’t want to take any credit or steal any limelight from you.”
Peg was horrified, “Of course not. That would be anti-Gary. Does he think I feel that way?”
“He wants to love you Peg, let him. He doesn’t want to yell or be angry, he’s in terrible shape without you. Please Peg, all he needs is a stroke of your hand on his cheek. Please Peg, it’s that simple.”
“But Kathy, it’s hard to believe he wouldn’t see my happiness up here and know he paid for it with his misery. That seems like I’m rubbing my success in his face. My job is at its zenith, and I love it, while he’s on furlough from his because of me. How can I emphasize the differences in our relative states of happiness and not hurt him?”
“Peg, all the reasons you haven’t shared your adventure with him are all the same reasons Gary desperately needs you to share them. Please get that through your head. Your dad may be angry, Gary’s just in love with his wife. Okay?”
Finished with her story about my wife, Kathy continued our conversation, “Peg promised to do better Gary. I think it will be good for both of you. We spoke a little more about a different subject. I hope I did well by you, you deserve to be happy. You’ve been nothing but a stand-up guy.” Kathy looked at me with eyes smoldering enough to melt lead.
I also noted that when Peg referred to me when speaking to Kathy, she used the word “you”, and when Kathy made reference about me to Peggy she used “we”. That was very interesting.
“Thank you, Kathy, really. No one has done more for me in months and months than you have. You’ve been the “friend indeed” that I so desperately needed. I bet you’re famished, how about I take you to dinner? Suddenly my appetite seems to be back.”
Kathy, the consummate professional, the woman with ice water in her veins, blushed a deep red, merely nodding to accept instead of entrusting herself to words.
* * * * * *
Gary
Peggy had been up about three months and Kathy was a regular visitor. We hit it off, every now and then I saw her appraising me as a trained NASA scientist wondering about the stress of a spouse’s wife in space. We would discuss Peg a bit. After the business was over, we delighted in discussing other things. Anything. It was wonderful to escape the inescapable for however long it lasted.
I slept in the nude and was alone in my house yet had to start pulling on boxers when I went to the kitchen in the morning because Kathy would sometimes come over. The clever girl had figured out what my delay was answering the door. It was nice we had a history that went back a few years. Kathy used to check the house for us when Peg and I were away, so I asked her why she didn’t just come in as she had a key. She blushed at my suggestion. I decided to call her on it.
“Wait, is the hero astronaut flustered to walk into a man’s house and possibly find him naked?” Kathy’s blush turned crimson.
“No. If you must know, I just put the pieces together in a different way.” Still blushing Kathy suppressed a smile.
“What’s that?” I asked already smiling.
“I’ve always thought of you and Peggy as a couple. My having your key was no big deal. Now it flashed in my mind.” She looked at the floor averting my gaze, “I have a key to a place where there is a guy who could be on the cover of romance novels that runs around naked. It made me seem like a late nineteen fifties Manhattan businessman who put his mistress up in an apartment. And you know, you could be sort of a male version of Marilyn Monroe.” Kathy peeked up at me with a toothy grin.
“I’m not sure what to say, except the subway grate scene will be very different.”
“Maybe not. Got a kilt?” Kathy said, flashing a coquettish side grin.
I laughed, “No and I don’t play the bagpipes.”
“That’s okay, I do.” She started to cross over to me. She stopped suddenly embarrassed as sin. Her face bunched up and her mouth was one tiny puckered hole. Now her eyes scrunched shut, forcing back tears.
I took the initiative as Kathy was immobilized by mortification. I wrapped my arms around her, making her jump.
“Stop it Kath, don’t be silly. You’re my friend, my one bright spot. You were cutting up trying to help me, and not many are.”
Kathy was suddenly angry now. “They don’t try to help because they don’t know you need help. And that’s because you don’t tell them, because if you do, they will know about your wife’s awful behavior. Protecting her that way has cut you off from the support you need! I know her family knows. How could they not? I spoke to them for a while after the spacewalk. It was a blessing that you told them before Peggy pulled that hand holding stunt with Alexi.”
Kathy seethed. She pushed out of my arms.
“I was only trying to be a friend, Kath.”
Kathy was quite perturbed and off balance, “I know. I have no problem with anything you’ve done!” She tried to look away, yet her eyes cut back to look at me out of their corners. Her brow was furrowed with worry and, it appeared, concern, “I just crossed a line. I’m sorry. Gary, you aren’t the most handsome guy in the world. They probably wouldn’t put you on the cover of romance novels, but you’re close. And I know that none of that matters to you, so you take no offense.”
Kathy pulled her lips back as though making to hiss as her worry quotient skyrocketed. She looked at me with a wince fearing my reaction, “Gary, the real problem is if I chose the covers for those novels, you would be all over them. Damn it, you need a friend. You are suffering in your dedication and are afflicted by forced celibacy, and…” She hung her head, “Gary, I think you are very attractive. I think at this point it’s best to get it out there and not try to hide it. I don’t want to keep secrets or tell lies.”
Kathy gave me a wide-eyed appraisal, though she could only hold it for a couple of seconds before turning away. Her admission had cost her something, but she’d done it anyway.
I hadn’t expected that. I was at a loss for words, “Actually, I am extremely flattered. That’s, um well, that’s nice. Okay?”
She cut her head towards me only able to look at me out of the corners of her eyes, “And I’m not torturing you? I mean you must be pretty miserable. Having me think it’s hot that you’re prancing around naked where in a place I have the key to…”
“For Pete’s sake woman, stop.” I was blue balled but having a beautiful woman flirting and talking to me about it made my blue glow cobalt.
Her tears welled up.
“No. No, actually my ego really needs it. Do you know how humiliating it is for your own wife to cut you off for the better part of a year? And that she did it for career advancement?” I gave a grin at my culmination.
Kathy restrained her desire to make a joke of the low hanging fruit I just handed her. “No, but I can imagine. I really can, and I’ve watched you the entire time. Gary, you’re a sort of superman, with a small “s”. You have stood by Peggy while remaining the last sort of man I thought would put up with this situation. I think other men with your physical attributes would be knocking down waitresses and married lady lawyers by the baker’s dozen. That you haven’t actually makes you hotter. It’s sort of a viscous cycle, which defines your life right now, doesn’t it?”
“May I take you to lunch?”
“Yes, but only of you do something for me first.”
“Let you play my bagpipes?” I gave her a wicked grin.
Kathy was instantly crimson again. Interestingly though, her eyes glowed. She saw me look deeply into them. She couldn’t or wouldn’t look away due to an equal mix of fear and arousal. Wow. Finally, she shut her eyes probably knowing what she had let me see.
“Gary, we can’t do this to each other. I’m physically stronger than most women and might be able to take advantage of a man in your compromised position.”
Her smile faltered with her attempt at levity. She was considering something else. I gave her time. I didn’t want her hurt. I would give her all the time in the world.
“Alright Gary, I’ll share it: by my own decree I haven’t found a guy I was interested in that would put up with my life. Dating got to be a hassle, guys were either intimidated by me, or didn’t want to mess with my schedule, trips, or being second fiddle to my career.”
“That’s why I put myself on the group that works with Astronaut’s spouses. I really do get it.” She paused but only to organize her thoughts now.
“I don’t blame the guys for having a problem dating me because I saw it the same way. None of them were worth rearranging my life to accommodate. As none of them wanted to accommodate my life either, it was an easy choice. There’s a whole checklist of what can cause relationship problems. I know my lifestyle checked a lot of those problem boxes for my would-be suiters. If untended even small problems can grow astonishingly large. Gary, you’re dealing with every damn box on the list.”
“Am I? Peggy swears her job is not more important than me.”
I could see Kath wondering if she had stepped in it.
I had backed her into a corner, so the next step had to be mine as well, “I don’t believe her on that score. I’ve never believed it. Not even before she got her flight.”
Kath wasn’t sure what to say so I doubled down on the teasing, “So, if you aren’t interested in wind instruments…”
Kathy looked smug. She was not only happy to have been given an escape from the subject she had chosen, but she had a witty reply to what I had said. She flashed a beautiful smile as she launched, “Technically bagpipes are…” she stopped dead in the water realizing her quip would go wrong, “… oh damn… wood winds.” She was embarrassed again at her unintended entendre.
I looked at her smiling and slowly said, “What? Are upset your retort blew up in your face?”
Kathy’s jaw dropped open. I had playfully slam dunked her repartee with one of my own. She loved it even though mortified. There was a lot going on here. I still had no idea what she actually wanted me to do for her.
I just stood there while she just looked at me. This was a poignant moment, only I was so out of whack I couldn’t figure it for what it was. I decided to inquire, “If you aren’t going to ask me the question, let’s go eat.”
Kathy quickly gathered herself, “The scar.”
“What?”
“Your scar. That nasty looking scar about three inches below your collar bone on your right side. You’ve always promised to tell me what it was. I’ve asked about it before at company get-togethers and pool parties or picnicking with you and Peggy with friends at the beach.” She tilted her head to the side explaining, “Places where I see the scar.”
“Is it out of line that I remove my shirt at your company get-togethers?”
She looked confused before remembering her actual words. Kathy broke out in hearty laughter that was music to my ears. “It’s a little unusual but no more so than your wearing suits to our beach parties.”
“Tell you what Kath, let’s grab lunch to go, and take it to the beach. If we find a spot private enough, I’ll tell you about the scar.”
“Oh Gary, I didn’t mean it to be seductive.” She was apologetic.
“No, I need privacy because it’s kinda covered by the official secrets act.”
She stared at me.
“I’m serious, but the scar is not official, nor an official secret. Since there’s also a bearing with Peggy it’s cogent for you to know.”
Kathy wasn’t sure if I was serious or setting her up for a laugh. As a result she kept looking at me silently. Until she had looked at me for way too long. Then her eyes popped open realizing my missive about the Official Secrets Act was not a joke.
We went to a great take-out place for some drinks, grapes, and sandwiches. We found a semi-secluded place. Florida has a lot of beaches! And I told her the story.
* * * * *
I looked around at the blanket full of us and our lunch spread. Our sandwiches were gone, though our drinks were still half full, the grapes were beginning to make their contribution and were still plentiful. There sat Kathy, her long legs under her off to one side, looking at me trying to contain a smile that she was about to receive her prize. Her eyes wide with anticipation gazed at me warmly.
“You know Kath, the conditions we are enjoying here on the beach are about as different as they could possibly be from where I was in the story I’m about to relay. And that’s a very good thing.”
I looked at her, forced a smile, and gave her a disclaimer of sorts, “I’m always ill at ease telling the story. I guess maybe that says good things about me. I certainly didn’t come out a hero. In fact, I think it makes me look pretty bad, especially when compared to others in the story who are just so darn competent.”
I gathered myself. I sighed; I had promised to do this after all.
“The guys I had traveled with had some theories about whether the group we ran into were bandits, or didn’t understand who we were, or a number of other possibilities. It doesn’t matter at this point, nor for the story. Unknown to us a group had seen us and decided to dispatch us quietly. The mission failed as originally scripted, but we pulled it out in the end.”
That was my intro to set the mood. I really hated to tell the story. I hated putting my vulnerability on display. Kathy’s lips parted slightly as she began to imagine scenes that might link the little teases I just gave her. I love an intelligent woman.
“We were in a country with a lot of thick foliage. I mean thick. There wasn’t just foliage a little way off the walking path, rather the path was carved out of the foliage.
“Also, I am an analyst, not an operator. Sometimes I’m part of a mission because I need to see something for myself to complete the analysis. Sometimes I get to plan the basics of an operation, especially if the mission is to get me in to see something and get me back out to report. This was one of those. I go over the mission basics with the operators who will carry it out. They invariably change some of what I plan, which makes perfect sense. I give them a mostly finished product and they hone and polish it into a truly functional piece. As they’re the ones carrying it out, it needs to be finished with their particular skills in mind.
“I’ve never had an ego about this, but I have some personal pride. I’m told my plans don’t require many changes and that other folks have theirs torn up in front of them by way of instructing them not to overstep their bounds. So, my plans are respected more than many, from analysts much my senior. The operators don’t cringe when they’re assigned to one of my schemes.
“It changes a bit when the plan involves me going along. I do my best for the mission runners, then give it to them to run. The main takeaway is that I’m not Rambo and I know it. I’ve been in fist fights, I can hold my own, I don’t like to back down, but I’m not an operator! I don’t have any kind of training or skill on their level. If there’s a question in the field, they’ll ask me about the objective, then THEY decide what happens and how. It may have been my plan initially, but once it begins, I’m largely along for the ride. And I get that.
“On this trip getting in was its own challenge. There wasn’t anything complicated about what we were doing, it was just grueling to do. When we reached the target site, I was supposed to look something over and take some pictures, while the other guys did what they were supposed to do, which was going to be icing on the cake. The main objective though was my taking a look at “something”, so I had to go on the trip.
“On the way in I was bringing up the rear as I was most likely to give us away if I was up front. On the way out I am valuable because then I have the knowledge we went in to collect, so I travel mid-line being protected. Getting out you need someone good at the rear: sneaking in not so much. That wasn’t the case this time and bit us hard. We were very close to our destination and on a little trail that let us travel faster through the dense foliage.
“There was quick motion behind me. I turned and there was a guy jumping out of the brush. I crouched for some reason, I guess trying to get in a stance to tackle him. I felt an impact high in my chest. Turns out it was a knife, one of those big Randall style ones. It was meant for my kidney, but the guy was sloppy and quite slow. I’d turned around and crouched and he used a long parabolic swing that was nothing like the push and twist of the textbook.”
Kathy’s jaw dropped lower and lower with each new line I uttered. It simply hung slack at my casual description of being stabbed in the chest.
“I didn’t realize I had a knife in my chest, just a searing pain. Somehow, I didn’t yell out. My predicament still made enough noise that the guys ahead turned to look back, just as other attackers came out of the foliage. If they were the regular guards there would have been no need for them to be quiet, hence the mystery about who these guys were.
“I had something in my chest and reached up to grab the guys arm, which I did with my right arm. But the guy now had both his arms on whatever he had stabbed me with and was pushing. He was able to push it in more, but my position and leverage made my right arm able to slow its progress. Luckily it was too high in my chest to hit a major blood vessel or collapse a lung so if I had to be stabbed, this location was about the best break I could have had. I didn’t know that then though.
“The guy having two arms forward there was no way to punch him in the ribs with one hand hard enough to make a difference. My sidearm was on my right, but I couldn’t take that hand away from holding his knife back. My left couldn’t reach it. The guy put his strength into his arms and the knife went deeper.”
Kathy had leaned forward and had much of her weight resting on her arms now. I wasn’t sure if that was a sympathetic reaction to my story telling or if she was engrossed. Perhaps I had a second career as an audio book reader.
“Then it occurred to me that I could reach his face with my left arm. I could tear off his ear, but I didn’t think that would stop his attack. So, I reached my left around and jammed my thumb into his eye socket. His attack immediately slowed, and he let go of the knife. I grabbed him with my right hand so he couldn’t escape and kept pushing my left thumb in. We toppled towards him as he began to fall backwards. I realized I was going to fall on him if we kept going, as he was trying to push away from me. I kept pushing my thumb until I ground the nerve at the back of his eye socket after I had popped the orb.”
Kathy didn’t flinch at my savagery to any degree greater than the part where I had been stabbed. I thought that was good. And rather what I hoped to find in an astronaut.
“As my foe recoiled, without thinking about it I just pulled the knife out of my chest and turned it around in my hand, I’m not sure how I did it. There are actual techniques for that, but I’ve never practiced them and don’t know which I technically used.
“I kept pushing the guy back until I simply fell on him with all my weight, with both my arms behind the knife, jamming it through his neck, embedding it in his spine until I felt it snap. It was over.
“Actually, it was all shockingly fast.”
Without realizing it Kathy sat back on her legs, apparently relieved I was safe. She was breathing hard; I think she’d been holding her breath.
“Kath, it wasn’t just fear at losing my own life. Sure, I felt fear initially, I was losing! Then all my thoughts began to center on Peg. That bastard was going to keep me from seeing Peg again! I got stronger and fierce. When I thought of her pain at losing me and never knowing what happened or why: my attacker didn’t have a chance. He was as good as dead that second. That’s when I thumbed his eye.
“All of our guys won. More on that in a second. I was wounded and finding my group was a priority. We were on a slim walking trail with extremely dense foliage that towered over our heads. I couldn’t see any of them! Then very quickly two of my guys were to me and evaluating me. I had no idea where they had disappeared to or where they had emerged from.
“One put a pressure pack on my wound as we moved down the trail again. They’re professionals and worked on me as we traveled. In short order all the guys were reemerging from the dense thicket. Apparently each one had pulled his assailant into the foliage to deal with him. I was a noob, a rookie who fought where I was attacked instead of making the combat take place where I wanted. The operators, both guys and gals, are a quantum leap ahead of me in combat and tactical combat strategy. I’m a strategy guy. I will never be their equal in their world and really have no desire to be.
“There were no sirens, we had been attacked, and one of us was injured: the one least tough and savvy enough to deal with completing a mission when wounded. So, we aborted.”
I knew Kathy could see my shame, there was no way to hide it even if I had wanted to.
“We knew there were people in the brush, so we took a preplanned escape route that meant we had to go back a different route. On the way we found an unknown trail under the jungle canopy that led to a side gate we didn’t know about. It wasn’t long and I was game to check it, at least we could go back with some intel. The unknown trail and gate led to the very structure I went there to see! Knowledge of that trail alone was worth the trip and the condition of the road told me what we needed to know about what sort of vehicles were using it. And that told me what they were and weren’t carrying into the base, which was what we wanted to know in the first place! By happenstance it was a very successful mission.
“Boy though, crossing that unknown road where we would be exposed was harrowing! Remember, I didn’t have time to think when I was attacked, except that I had to get back to Peggy. She just couldn’t be left to suffer alone like that. The rest was all just sort done in the moment. But crossing that unknown road was different, not knowing if there were guards or cameras, if alarms would be tripped, especially when I was a bit weak from loss of blood, was not fun. I was over thinking that one big time: how to cross, fast or slow, that sort of thing, when two of the operators grabbed me under my arms lifting me, and just carried me across. They loved that I was laughing at myself by the time we reached the other side.”
I was smiling as I told of the interlude, though Kathy was more enthralled than enraptured by my story. I thought that a little odd. Frankly, it isn’t that good of a story.
I continued my tale, “At the end, back at the emergency LZ, the chopper was picked up as it landed, an advanced enemy element rushed forward out of the base. The bad guys didn’t know we were there, though why else would a chopper be landing, right? There was a fire fight. You want to talk about feeling inadequate around other men? And let me say I’ve had the pleasure of working with a number of bad ass women that I would feel the same way around in the same conditions.
“They had their carbines and were making short work of the attackers. I had a handgun and a stab injury on my strong side. I ended up drawing and holding the thing in my strong hand, using my support arm for, well, support. If my injury was any worse, I would’ve had to use my weak arm alone. Anyway, the guys did the work and smiled to see I was game and ready for the fight, if not really in it.
It was very quick, a spasm of action. We got on the chopper and left, where I threw up from the adrenaline high. They actually laughed with me and sat beside me at the open door. They never made me feel inadequate.
“That’s when I was able to tell them what I had seen on the road, the type of tracks, and what it meant. They needed to know because I didn’t know how bad the knife wound was. Someone had to be able to report the intel.
“The guys had always liked working with me, I was confident but not cocky. I wasn’t intimidated by them, nor trying to prove I was their equal in the physical stuff. And I put the mission first. I was also the cause for the abort, but I had just pulled the fat out of the fire with the info anyway. Our mission wasn’t a failure, it was a larger success than hoped for. There would be no need for a return trip against a now wiser target.
“The two guys who had gotten to me first back on the original trail told the others what I had done to the guy who fought me, while I still had a knife in me. They hooted and hollered and made good natured if macabre jokes. They all started using the two finger “eyes on you” gesture to me because of the eye gouge. It kinda stuck.
“The story spread, and I have a lot more credibility where I work now. But it was just a fluke. I actually felt bad about it, I didn’t like getting taken unawares that easily. One of the guys who is a student of the game told me that what all the practice and training is really for is reducing your reaction time once you’re in the furball. You just act, you don’t lose time thinking because you’ve thought it out and practiced it previously. That way you’ve done all you can to make the inevitable flukes break your way. Hopefully it’s enough that you get to go home.
“He told me the real good guys let their training and body do the work while they keep their clear mind on the mission. In other words, fight towards the objective not away while keeping the ability to instantly improvise. He told me a lot of what I did was a lot like that, and I should be proud. He also told me the guy who attacked me was clearly not well trained and had made a real mess, making a “hole full of hamburger” where he got me, but that with rehab and a refill of blood I would eventually be fine. I felt very validated on that helo trip back.
“Yet my primary thought was making it back to Peggy. My mission was over. I had proven myself as a planner. And I got to see that in-country when things went, um, “tits up” I could handle myself. I felt validated as a person and a man. This part is very important. While I knew those things, I couldn’t fully feel them yet. My mission wasn’t over, because my mission was getting back to Peggy! I couldn’t feel anything without her.
“They all wanted to see me as a kindred spirit. Yet all I thought about was Peggy, the reason I succeeded, the reason I could not die was Peggy.” I looked deeply into Kathy’s eyes, thrilled to verify she understood.
I shrugged, “I made it back to Peg. My drive to come home to her became a way of resetting the emotional table when circumstances threatened to take the upper hand.
“The operators all said I did really well. But I’m not cut out to be one of them, it was all adrenaline and emotion for me, that’s bad in their world. I killed to get back to Peg, not for combative one-ups-manship. Peg was really all I thought of.”
I stopped. I really didn’t know what else to say. I was just quiet now. Not even pensive just sort of done for a while.
“Kath, like a Tootsie Pop I didn’t know how many licks it takes to get to my chewy center. But Kathy, my core is that chewy center. You can answer nine out of ten questions about me extrapolating from that story. I haven’t told it much. Just at the debriefings, and to Peggy.” I was quiet again.
Kathy looked at me with deep understanding eyes. Oh, you could see straight into her soul through those wondrous eyes. What a beautiful view!
Kathy’s head tilted slightly in thought as she briefly chewed on the corner of her mouth. Then she spoke to me, “And now, even with what Peggy has done, you are still “fighting towards the objective” of her and not thinking of escape. I think I understand what those guys were trying to tell you, Gary. That’s a credit to you.”
I heard Kathy’s voice catch as she saw my face. My thinking had reset and for a moment my thoughts of Peggy came back faster than my defenses.
I asked Kathy in absolute dismay, “Why wouldn’t Peggy even voice an objection about her injection prior to launch? Just raise her hand and ask if there was another way, Kath? Why did she sell me so cheap? Why don’t I mean anywhere near as much to her as she means to me?”
I looked at Kathy pointedly, “Peggy knows that story, Kath! She knows how much she is part of me and yet she couldn’t even ask questions about what her procedures might mean to me. There are only a few possible answers to those questions, Kathy. How in hell didn’t I see it this clearly before?” I let my voice go low, “The answer is I don’t want to see it, Kath. I fear that might be a theme.”
Kathy looked at me in a haunted way, “You love Peggy so much and she…” Kathy rose to her knees kneeling over me, hugging me for all she was worth. She gave me an alternate answer, “You didn’t see it because you were protecting her!” That struck me like a smart clarifying slap.
Kathy was crying and hugging me tightly in a nurturing way. We weren’t doing anything obscene and we were only hugging. Still it felt like this was a very private moment for such a wide-open space. I could never completely forget who my employer was or what trouble an errant moment with a camera present could cause them and me. In that way I killed two birds with one stone by telling Kathy we should pack up and head home.
Kathy stared at me all the way back. Kathy saw what I saw: that Peg’s commitment to me was not commensurate with my commitment to her. I knew that, yet I had never thought it was so out of balance. What Peg manifested towards me since she won her flight had been there prior, it wasn’t something new.
Our trip was subdued. When we reached the house, we put our small beach bags on the kitchen floor. There had been hardly a word spoken since my story. Breaking the silence I asked her, “Have I messed us up, Kathy?”
She was taken aback, “What? No. You’ve been the perfect gentlemen!” She looked at her feet, “Gary, you took me to the beach so you could tell me that story, why didn’t you tell me here?” Kathy was avoiding eye contact in a major way.
“Kathy, you shared some things with me before we departed that left you rather vulnerable.”
Kathy nodded though she didn’t make the connection, “But why not here, Gary? I know you did it for a reason.”
I sighed, “Because of what you shared before we left and how vulnerable you were. I thought a public beach would be best.”
She shook her head. Either she didn’t understand or needed me to say it directly. “Why Gary?”
“Two reasons: First Peggy has always been my happiness and stability. She has decided to be neither, so I really don’t know what we still have. That’s a fundamental problem that I don’t have an answer for. Before her I always found ocean waves soothing. So, there is part of your answer. It’s a big deal for me to tell that story. Two things soothe me, one was still available, so I availed myself.
“That beach, though not well known, is public so we could not really let our guard down completely. I knew it was going to be turbulent and emotional, at least for me, so I needed an edge to keep my composure and keep me on my toes.”
Now I fought to keep from clearing my throat, “Secondly, because you have volunteered to take Peggy’s place as my friend and confidant. That’s something I seem at a loss to convey the importance of.”
Kathy glowed at that reason.
“Ah, essentially you have told me you have at least considered taking on an even larger share of Peggy’s marital burdens.”
There was an awkward but meaningful pause. Kathy didn’t take the opportunity I was giving her to clarify or correct my statement, which I took as confirmation.
I ventured on, “I thought considering all you had shared with me, that you might be emotional as well, and might want to… comfort me after I poured out my core motivations to you. Especially in light of who those motivations were centered on and how they have been, at least partially, rejected.
“If we were here with no need for decorum you might really, really, want to comfort me afterwards. And showing you just how vulnerable I am I might not have been in the proper shape to deny myself that comfort. Being in public added a layer of subtle decorum to counter our emotional states.”
Kathy, being sympathetic but playfully coquettish asked, “What exactly weren’t sure you would be able to deny me, Gary?”
I replied matter-of-factly, “Playing my bagpipes, Kathy.”
The laughter the exploded from her chest lasting long moments, thankfully breaking the sexual tension that she’d tried so hard to build. She shook for a moment longer, then seized up as something occurred to her.
Her face completely opened as her eyes went wide, “Y-You protected me!” It was a definite sign that our relationship had changed trajectory.
I thought about that, rubbing the back of my neck and smiled at her. It was a warm genuine smile that belonged on a pro baseball player in the cooler night heat of summer.
That did something for her, “Aw shit, Gary.” She looked at me a little hunched over, clearly attracted by my smile. Apparently, that smile had the same effect on Kathy that a woman showing a really nice set of breasts to a man would cause. Her reaction made me smile more, which made her glare at me.
“You’re my good friend, right?” I clarified.
She nodded, not sure where I was headed.
“Isn’t it better to be compromised this way being angry, than just vulnerable and, well, ready?”
Her mouth fell open. Her eyes went bigger. Actually, they were huge.
“You are STILL protecting me! Damn Gary, I’m so embarrassed. And damn it all, you are… you’re trying to get through all this emotional turmoil, and a weepy vulnerable female needing male attention has to be…” She slowed way down reciting rather than saying the sentence in her head, “… sending your hormones into orbit. I am so sorry.”
“Kath, I can’t tell you how much it means to have someone to share feelings with. To have a caring person and a friend by my side. The person who was supposed to care seemed to stop, then made herself incapable of it. I can’t thank you enough.”
She bent over a little more, “So we’re good friends, right?”
Warily I answered, “Yeesss.” She was giving off every known sign of a female in estrus. I felt like a fool for not taking her right on the kitchen floor. But I was the good guy, and a lot of time that simply stinks.
“Kathy, go take a shower. Use my bedroom. I’ll give you some space. And Kathy, look in Peg’s bedside table drawer, everything is clean.”
Her eyes bugged a bit as the logical extension of my words came to her. She muttered as she made herself straighten and walked carefully to the stairs and slowly up.
Shortly I heard an angry cry, almost of anguish. I’m not sure why she was pissed, I started to the stairs. The next thing I heard was totally involved moaning. It was sexy as hell and not at all what I needed, unless I wanted to stain the walls or carpet. I decided to go clean my car.
When Kathy came downstairs after her breaktime and shower, she looked relaxed and more than a little anguished.
“This is sort of mortifying,” she said through a bright red blush.
I got up and hugged her letting her know it was fine.
“Oh Gary, I mean…”
I cut her off, “Shhhh, just be yourself with me. If you did things right up there, you should have your discipline back. Am I right?”
She shivered a bit embarrassed. She gave a quick nod.
I added, “I sure hope so, you were up there almost an hour.” I gave her a wicked knowing grin.
Kathy pushed back out of my hug and stared astonished into my face. I could only hold off my laughter for a short while. She he started slapping at me, laughing herself.
“I was taking a shower.”
“Yes, but you took something with you when you went, didn’t you?”
“Oh, you are a bad man, Gary.” She stopped for a moment, setting her eyes, “You know I did, you bastard. And I spent far too much time – on your side of the bed – before I took that shower!”
That made me have to stop a moment for composure. I loved our playful sparring. Kathy saw she had turned the tables.
“You deserved that for making me blush so bad!” But her mouth was wide in a grin. Then her face went red with anger.
“Why are you angry?” I was confused. What had I done?
“That little… Peggy had those… things… in her nightstand… and still cut you off?” Kathy was ready to go up to the space station and slap Peggy silly.
I explained, “Sorry, you can’t hang her on this one. She hasn’t used them in months, we used to use them in our play.”
Kathy was still red faced, but now with embarrassment.
“Damn it, Gary. I may need another shower now.” Kathy paused eyeing me intently. “Can you stand my flirting with you?” She was in proto cringe already.
“Yes, I like it.”
“It’s not particularly professional.”
“I would be crushed, if you were here just because of professional curiosity. No, I need a friend and you have been that friend. Kath, I hope you do flirt with me, or tell me off if you are angry, or set me straight if you think I’m wrong, or give me advice, or share a good time or joke: I want you to be genuine. Just be yourself Kath, that’s what I want.”
Kathy stood there for long moments thinking things through, “Okay Gary, I know you’ll protect me, just let me know if I cross a line you don’t want crossed: I don’t want to make you more miserable.” Her expression was certainly miserable, thinking of making me that way.
“You don’t Kath, you take my misery away.”
She shone like the sun.
* * * * *
Kathy
Kathy rubbed her temples instead of downing the drink she had made for herself. She couldn’t stop thinking of Gary. He was capable beyond the point of being formidable. He was certainly humble, honest to a fault about his faults and short comings. Then again, he was over emphasizing those faults. That’s where he lived now.
She had tried to talk Gary out of his mood. That was a non-starter. Especially as she agreed that Peggy simply didn’t seem to be in love with him to any sort of commensurate degree with his love for her. Kathy saw where Peg may not be able to pay Gary much attention in the lead up to a space launch, but to fall out of love? That didn’t add up. She was forced to agree with Gary that if there was an imbalance in their love now it existed before; Peggy’s trip to the space station threw everything into sharp relief. The most important thing was that they loved each other, how could Peggy’s mission have thrown a wrench into that?
Unfortunately, Kathy also saw Peggy’s actions, they didn’t indicate a woman truly in love. Those actions simply didn’t show consideration for the man she purported to love. Kathy could see where unfortunate things could happen in love, and a space flight was uncommon enough to throw serious monkey wrenches into normal lives. It still made normal lives unusual, yet she couldn’t make it add up any more than Gary could. If there was no time for intimacy there would have been concern, Peg almost seemed to display bouts of anti-affection. Peggy would be worried about Gary, then she would send another harpoon his way. It didn’t make sense.
Kathy’s brows knit. The situation hurt Gary, although in a way he understood, he seemed to be holding on to some terrible truth.
It dawned on Kathy that Gary was feeding her snippets of information so she could weigh the same things he was weighing. That must mean Gary wanted her to analyze what he told her and compare notes, probably hoping she could tell him he’d missed something. She agreed with Gary so much, that she had made herself stop saying things to Gary like ‘it will be alright’. She had also stopped telling him that he was off base. Using those words would be uttering a lie.
What of poor Gary? He was strong and true, and if this was as bad as it was looking, neither attribute, nor the fact that he loved Peggy for all he was worth, was going to save the day. Did Peggy really understand what Gary felt for her and what she had in him?
Smart, handsome, brave, and true, Gary was almost a prototype for what to look for in a mate. Women would kill for such a man. And then the thought slipped: “I would kill for such a man.”
Kathy stopped thinking and started rubbing her temples again. She scooped up her drink, sloshing some on her kitchen counter. More sloshed as she slapped it down on the nearby kitchen table after a deep gulp. She threw herself in the adjacent chair. Now her palms moved to her eyes massaging them through clenched lids.
Her thoughts betraying her, it was time to be honest with herself again. “Damn it, I can only think of one other man like Gary. It’s not a good comparison for me to be making and still be an objective friend to either Peggy or Gary. I can’t stop thinking of what having a man like that would feel like. What would that do for a woman? I only know of one other man like that, and I would not only kill for him; I would die for him.”
The picture of that man faded into wisps that reappearing as Gary, as Kathy acknowledged the truth about how she felt.
Her palms dropped away and her eyes were already open starring at an indiscriminate spot on the wall. “Oh God, I’m in deep, I’m in so deep. I’m just like Gary in that way: how did I not see this coming?”
She pulled her feet up to the chair’s seat wrapping her arms around her knees to keep from shivering. She spied her cell phone on the table. Impulsively she snatched it up and stabbed in a number.
“Hi Mom, how are you? No reason, I just wanted to call and see how you and Dad are. That’s great! Hey Mom, you used to tell me stories about falling in love with Dad. I’m in a strange place. I-I was wondering if you would tell me some of those again. Yeah, I know there’s no one like Dad. Um, well Mom, at least until recently.” She listened to her mother’s excited response.
“Well, no. Maybe that’s not so great, Mom. I really need to be sure… because he doesn’t know. And also, Mom,” Kathy’s voice caught as she failed fighting a sob, “because he’s married.”
* * * * *
Kathy pondered the next couple of weeks. She had a key to Peggy and Gary’s house. They had both told her to use it. Sometimes she let herself in and watched Gary in the backyard before announcing her presence.
Sometimes he was mowing the lawn, she watched him while trying to sort herself out. Sometimes she watched Gary sit alone in the backyard as he broke down. She wanted to go help him. Honestly, he seemed to have it under control letting some out now and then. If he wanted to do that in front of her, he would. He needed to let it out. She hated leaving him like that, except she sensed it was the best thing to do. She felt warm thinking about how she was picking up more and more of his vibrations. She would wait until he had let out what he needed, and picked himself back up, before pretending to arrive only then.
Once it was really bad. Gary slid out of his chair as if pulled by gravity and pounded the ground while on his knees. He asked aloud, “Why give her to me only to take her away? I know she loves me, but I know the rest of it too.” He grew quiet then answered himself still thinking aloud, “I had to see it: that’s why. That’s why I was given nothing else to look at for four months.”
Gary spoke again, “If this union is not the direction my life should take, why not simply show me the new direction? Why let me see what I’m to lose and not the new direction I should follow? I know sometimes we learn best by withholding the answer to let us work it out ourselves: but help me work it out. Help me help Peg. She’s going to need help.”
He paused. Thinking it was over Kathy began to hide herself away when she heard Gary speak again.
“Your will not mine.”
Gary hesitated while Kathy felt compelled to stay on the spot. After a short time that seemed much, much, longer, Gary continued once again, “Thank you for Kathy. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. Help me to do the right thing, Lord. It’s easy to fall, easy to come off the tracks, and she’s hurting too. She’s looking at a life full of achievement with no one to share it with, an empty heart and bed, and a possible future with no partner, children, and love. That future is a tragedy. It’s a blessing to be given someone to protect, give me the wisdom to find what she needs and help her get it. But selfishly, Lord, don’t take her away too soon. I need her. I really need her.”
Kathy backed away silently. She stole out of the house and cried in her car asking the same question to herself over and over: “He’s such a good man, why is this happening to him?” Finally, she composed herself giving Gary a call to say she was coming over.
“Why are you calling? You know you can stop in anytime,” his voice was warm and inviting though he sounded confused and worn.
“I-I wanted to know if you want me to pick something up.” She had wanted to give him time to compose, yet that was a slip as she had just been letting herself in. She thought Gary sounded terribly distracted.
“Pick up… No don’t! Don’t pick someo…, er, I don’t need anything that can be bought.” Gary sounded chastised and embarrassed.
She thought, “Wow. He reacted pretty strongly to me picking someone up, even though that’s not what I said.” She thought, ‘Those are possessive thoughts. Possessive of me. That’s very good. Even if it’s very bad.’ Kathy felt warm all over.
Gary speaking again brought her out of her inner monolog. “Sorry, I meant I don’t need anything, just get her quickly. I like your company, okay?”
“Your wish is my command,” She hung up practically purring.
Kathy thought intensely, “I know what I’m missing. Peggy and Gary have shown me what two people can have. I know exactly what I want, but I can’t have it. Why do I want the man I can’t have? Please let me do right by them.”
* * * * * *
L Plus 168 (168 Days After Launch)
(Day 168 of 180 days in space.)
Kathy
Kathy thought about this being the second to last weekend before Peggy’s return. ‘I’ve never pressed Gary. I’ve left offers both veiled and obvious. Ones that could always be covered as ego inflating jokes between friends. But he knows, and I want him to know. He has been a gentleman. Instead of tipping my hat to his discipline, I find myself regretting his restraint. Why? Do I want to be a homewrecker and a loose woman? No, but I do want Gary. And if I can’t have him outright, I want a memory to keep me company in a lonely forlorn bed. We’ve had six months and I haven’t had him. I thought I was more alluring.’ She smiled a satisfied smile, ‘That’s part of his draw: he’s true.’
Kathy knew her assets. She was tall and thin, attractively so. Letting her straight blonde hair grow from her former cute work cut for almost six months it now touched her shoulders. Her legs were long, at least for an astronaut, and shapely. Her breasts were nice, smaller than Peggy’s for sure. But they had a great shape and tone, the term perky seemed to apply. She frowned. Peggy was curvaceous. Peggy was a little sexpot, wonderful hips, tits, and lips. Her eyes were large and dark, her brown hair was attractively wavy.
Kathy had a nice figure. She knew men had drooled over it. She was striking. Peggy was more va va va voom. Kathy was a classic beauty golden hair and sparkling blue eyes. Peggy was a hottie. Kathy knew the effects the two women engendered: men were mesmerized by Kathy, they wanted to throw Peggy down and go animal in the road.
Kathy punched a pillow. She rolled her eyes thinking she wanted Gary to throw her down and go animal in the road! He made his choice, he chose Peggy, that must be what he prefers! She was losing her objectivity. She tried for the thousandth time to think it out, ‘I know I can get and keep attention, but how can I steal the sexual energy from Peggy when she’s so sexy and Gary knows she a minx in bed? He loves her.’ Kathy’s head bowed. Trying not to give up or despair she kept thinking, ‘I have a prettier face. A face men can fall in love with. But Gary’s true and in love, and he loves Peg!’
Kathy’s competitive nature kicked in. ‘I’m smarter, and I’m true. I’m a woman a man would be proud of and would work hard to make my man proud. But I want Gary to lust over me too and I haven’t cracked him in almost six months. Mom thinks I’m crazy but also knows for certain I’m in love. She’s wary of Gary but respects him for not taking advantage of my offers… and for sticking with his wife after all that’s transpired.’
Kathy tried to resolve her disquiet. ‘I can’t break Gary’s resolve, and I’m not sure I want to. However, it’s clear I want him. Maybe Peggy will come back and leave him, then my road clears. But if not, Gary will be true to her. How long will he go if she treats him as a second, or third, class citizen, yet doesn’t cheat?
‘I have more degrees. And I’m a red-blooded woman, maybe not as lustful as Peggy, but damn it, that has ratcheted up unbelievably since admitting to myself what I feel for Gary. Damn it, I started growing my hair out to be more alluring to a man before I understood why. I don’t know if I’ll have an opportunity to win him, but I know if I had him, someone more alluring than me could not take him from me.’
‘It’s been six months, in some ways the blink of an eye. I certainly haven’t had anywhere near enough time with Gary, and we’ve spent considerable time together. Spending that much time together isn’t normal, is it? He’s my best friend. Now Kathy, you know it’s more than that.’ She beamed, ‘But that’s a huge part of it; he’s my best friend! To spend that much time with your best friend is not unusual. But for an unattached woman to be spending that much with a married man when his wife is away, yeah it is.