Except, when I got home, I found myself looking forward to something and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then, finally, it dawned on me. Some part of me, an inexplicable aspect for sure, was anticipating Betsy joining me in bed again. Which was silly for a whole host of reasons. Most importantly was that it wasn’t going to happen again. I’d lived with my sister for almost two decades and we weren’t going to change habits so easily.
I had dinner with my parents and Betsy. I watched Netflix on the couch. Finally, around 10pm, I took my evening shower and crawled into bed. The house was quiet. Whatever little hope I had was finally shot down. My sister was clearly not coming.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
“Hey Bran?” Betsy called through the door.
I told my sister she could come in. She was in a similar outfit as the day before, another hoodie (this one yellow) with dark sweats. She had on thick, wool socks, as well. Seriously, we were in Florida in mid-June. Most people compared the weather here to living on the sun. How was she ever comfortable like that?
“You don’t have to knock,” I told her.
“I don’t want to catch you indecent,” Betsy said.
“I’m always indecent,” I said.
My sister frowned at me. “Anyway, I was hoping I could get a little warmed up again, like last night.”
“I make you hot, don’t I,” I said.
“You make me lukewarm,” Betsy said, “At best. But it’s better than icy freezing which is what I feel right now.”
“Well let’s see what big brother can do for you,” I said, and patted the bed.
“You’re in an odd mood today,” Betsy said, but she crawled under the covers and koala-ed up to me once again.
“Sorry,” I said, “I guess I was trying to be funny, or something.”
“You are funny,” Betsy said, “When you’re not trying so hard. Is something wrong?”
I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t think anything was up with me until Betsy came in the room and I got all flustered. I don’t know how to describe it. I was being creepy, awkward, visual novel flirty, and I couldn’t figure out why.
“I don’t think something’s wrong,” I said, “I guess I found myself kind of looking forward to you coming in here again. And I know it’s odd to be looking forward to cuddling with my sister.”
“It’s not strange, it’s sweet,” Betsy said, “I liked spending time with you, too. It’s nice to be close with someone.”
“Even if it’s your big, dumb brother?”
“You’re not big,” Betsy said, “Not in a bad way. I like your size, it’s good for snuggling. And you’re definitely not dumb.”
“Thanks,” I said. I felt the need to say something back. “You’re super cute. All my friends say so. And, um, you’re fun to talk to, too.”
Betsy responded by burying her head into my bare chest. She pulled her hood back, revealing her cute, elfin face. Her cheeks were a little pink and she had her brown hair back in another long, trailing braid. She rested her hand on my chest and began absently tracing her fingers through my hair.
“You have a nice body,” she said, continuing our compliment exchange. “Broad, but not fat. Not too muscle-y either. You’re a good hugger.”
“You’re easy to hug,” I said.
“Yeah.” Betsy yawned.
*
I blinked awake. My room was pitch dark. I felt something wrapped around me and looked down.
Betsy! Oh shit!
It was one thing to snuggle. Weird, maybe, but not out of the realm. Falling asleep in the same bed, however, was a really bad idea. We would have a tough time explaining that to Mom and Dad in any way that wouldn’t come off as wrong.
I shook my little sister awake.
“Feel warm,” she mumbled.
I shoved her again. Betsy’s eye slowly opened, then popped wide.
“You fell asleep,” I told her.
“Oh crap!” Betsy said, “Bran, I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t care, but Mom and Dad will,” I said.
Betsy gathered herself together and got out of the bed. “It was nice and warm with you. I guess a little too warm. I’ll slip out quietly.”
I watched as my sister tried to ninja out of the room, but it was more like traipsing. Finally, after tripping twice and almost walking into a wall, Betsy managed to make her way to the hall.
I sighed and leaned back into my pillow. That was a close one. While I didn’t think there was anything specifically wrong with what we were doing, something about it, I knew, would look plenty inappropriate to our parents. We needed to be more careful.
I closed my eyes but couldn’t fall back asleep. I ended up staring at my phone till 4am, frustratingly awake.
*
The next day was back to work, but the whole time I found myself thinking about what might happen that night. Again, it wasn’t something I could rationally explain. Who spent this much time looking forward to being with their baby sister? But that didn’t stop me from doing it.
I practically raced through my evening routine. As soon as I climbed into bed, Betsy knocked on my door. This time, she didn’t wait for me to respond, she just opened it and stepped inside. Again, she was in her standard uniform, but she had her hair in cute pigtails instead of the usual braid.
“I was feeling something different,” she said, when I asked about it.
Betsy climbed into bed next to me. There was no more asking if it was OK — this was now the routine. I can’t explain why that made me so happy.
“Listen, we can keep doing this, but we need to be more careful,” I said, as Betsy lay next to me. “Falling asleep like that? Mom and Dad would be pissed.”
“I can’t cuddle with my big brother?” Betsy asked.
“You’re in bed with me, at night,” I said, “It doesn’t matter what it is, if that’s how it looks.”
“We can explain it,” Betsy said, “Mom and Dad know I’m cold all the time.”
“You know it’s not OK,” I said.
“Fine,” Betsy said. She rolled her eyes at me, but she scooched in closer. “But I can stay for a bit, right? Till I get a warmer?”
“Of course,” I said.
Again, Betsy put her head on my chest. Let her fingers play on my bare flank. I found myself slowly stroking her hoodie-covered back. I could barely feel the girl under all those clothes.
“You always sleep without a shirt,” Betsy said, “Aren’t you cold?”
“Obviously not,” I said, “Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you want me to put something on?”
“No, I like it,” Betsy said, “Like I said, you have a nice chest.”
For a moment, I wondered if I should say the same thing back to her. But, for one thing, I didn’t have any idea what my sister’s chest was like because she always had it covered. And for another, she was my sister. Flirting that way was not OK.
We lay there in silence for a bit, lightly stroking each other. I listened to my sister’s soft breath. The little sounds she made as she got comfortable. She had this way of flicking her eyes around — at my body, my face, my room — like she was trying to memorize every detail. There was something very adorable about it.
“I like this,” Betsy said, “Warming up with you.”
“I like it, too.”
“It means a lot to me, that you let me do this,” Betsy said, “I guess it’s something I could only have with a sibling. Another boy would have expectations, you know? Hugging can’t just be hugging — it has to be the prelude to, well, things I’m not ready to do. And most brothers would be all awkward about it. I guess I’m saying that there’s only one person in the whole world who I could do this with and it’s you.”
“I’m just keeping you warm,” I said.
“I know,” Betsy said, “But I want you to know it makes me feel special. Lucky, even.”
Betsy tilted her head up and kissed me on the cheek. Her thin lips left a little wet mark. I turned, feeling like I should reciprocate, and went to do the same. But, somehow, I missed. Or Betsy turned her head. Of something. Because suddenly my lips were on hers.
I went from surprised to straight up shocked. Instead of pulling away, jumping back, or anything I expected Betsy to do, my little sister kissed me back.
Objectively, it shouldn’t have made a difference whether I was kissing Betsy’s cheek or her mouth. Skin was skin, after all. My sister’s lips shouldn’t have meant anything more, but they did. I could feel the difference. The electric sparks of touching a sensitive spot with one of my own.
Finally, we broke apart. Our eyes, however, stayed connected. I stared into my sister’s deep brown orbs. Searched through the little whorls of color. There were flecks of gold in there. Like her eyes were laden with secret treasure. My sister searched me, similarly.
“I should go,” Betsy said.
She got out of bed. Before I could say anything, she closed the door behind her. I stared up at the ceiling. My heart raced. From fear, from anticipation, from… From a lot of things I couldn’t admit.
Once again, I found myself wide awake for most of the night.
*
I tried to catch up to Betsy that morning, but she’d already left for her own job as a counselor at a summer camp a few towns over. I spent the whole day at work completely distracted. I left early, claiming I was feeling sick, and waited for my sister to get back in the afternoon.
But when Betsy finally did come home, she went straight to her room. She blew past me so fast, I didn’t even have a chance to say hello. I thought about going upstairs and talking to her, but something about her shut door shut me down. I’d never known a wooden board could be so imposing.
After dinner, I knew going to bed early was a bad idea. Betsy wasn’t coming. Despite three days of disturbed sleep, I could tell I was in for another evening of staring at the ceiling. So, after my evening shower, I went back down to the living room and turned on the NBA Finals. I had to hope this series went seven, or else I was going to be in real trouble in a few days.
I got on the couch, wearing my pj bottoms and an old t-shirt. For some reason I can’t explain, I grabbed the fleece blanket from behind the couch and put it on my lap. It’s not like I was cold.
I was starting to get into the game when I saw Betsy bound down the stairs. She was in another heavy outfit — this time a big, brown fluffy sweater and sweatpants. She glanced my way and I got myself ready, knowing that things were about to get super awkward.
Instead, my sister hurried over to the couch and slipped in next to me. “You’re all set up for me,” she said, a tinge of awe in her voice. She pulled the blanket over herself and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.