Dear Diary
Let me start off by introducing myself my, name is Elizabeth, I prefer Beth. Married now four plus years, to my University boyfriend, Keith. My husband and I have a daughter, Ava, age two. My parent in laws, lived five doors down. Which sometimes can be intrusive, but more than not are very helpful and appreciate them tremendously.
You see my husband Keith’s mother, Becky looked after our daughter while I worked during the day. She’s the mother I do not have any longer and I called her mom. My father-in-law, Bruce, is a big tall, intimidating looking man, but very caring. Unlike my father who was very distant and cold, especially after the death of my mother, but that is another story.
Keith works with his dad in the home construction business. Mostly at this time, driving truck doing deliveries of supplies. I worked for a company that supplied Kitchen & Bath wares, everything from cupboard knobs to kitchen sinks. This year my employer wanted to really amp up business and decided to have almost the entire staff participate in a trade show. Because he procrastinated we ended up coming in at the last minute, the hotel where convention was being held was booked.
I ended up finding a small bed and breakfast near the trade convention within driving distance, in order to do my part. When I first told Keith about the one day event, he was a little apprehensive about me going. I told him I would be very happy if he would please come along. After the trade show we could relax at the B&B and enjoy ourselves. Giving us a little bit of us time, while his mother would gladly baby sit. Unfortunately because everything was last minute there was not enough time for him to take that day off. Keith told me he already had appointment scheduled for delivery.
The following weekend was the trade show. Early Friday morning we both got up about the same time and hubby got ready for work. I gave him a kiss, told him I would be back Saturday well after lunch. My things packed the night before, I headed out first. Getting there in record time and booked into the bed and breakfast. Leaving straight from there to the convention hall to help set up with the rest. The company I worked for was small but growing, we had two locations. There were five people from our location two men and three women Including myself.
From our sister store there was three, one man and two women. I being the odd woman out, was paired up with the David from the other sister store.
Innovations, new styles, new trends. We had it all. It was a big turn out, people from all over Canada and the United States. The trade show was a great success. Face to face marketing, you can not replace it. David was a pleasure to work with, very knowledgeable and friendly. When it was our lunch break, David and I took our lunch in the hotel restaurant. I took a minute and texted both Keith to say hello and his mom to see how Ava was. I was informed that all was fine on the Homefront from both.
We ended up having a late lunch and a glass of wine each. He definitely was a great salesman and a smooth talker. During lunch I told him about my husband and my little girl. He told me he was single, which surprised me. David, I surmised, was about five years older than me, and very distinguished and handsome. Possibly he was divorced, but I did not bother to pry. I also found out coincidentally, that he was staying at the same B&B as I was and had taken a cab over. I offered him a ride back after the trade show, seeing as we were staying at the same location.
The afternoon was even busier and we never got another opportunity to take a break to eat. David got us some tea and a bag of cookies to share from somewhere. He was very flirty with myself and any potential female clients, yet respectful. By the time we wrapped up our day and got to the parking lot where my car was. It was 9:30. Luckily it was a short drive back to the inn. When we got back, David thank me profusely for the ride.
The accommodations were beautiful, it was an old 18th century home turned into a B&B. When we got back, everything was quiet. The other guests must have turned in for the night. The innkeeper greeted us when he came out of the dining room to our left as we came in the front door. We talked briefly with him about the cold winter night outside. He said he just put a fresh log on the fire. A winter night in January in an old Victorian home by a crackling fire. What a perfect setting, If only Keith was here.
The innkeeper went about his business. David asked me if I would care to join him sharing a vintage bottle of wine that he had in his room. I blushed, he quickly corrected himself, saying,” join me out here in front of the fire. The wine is in my room, I’ll go get it.”
I informed him, that would be nice. I need to freshen up quickly first and I would be back. Returning to my room, I took a minute to sit down on the bed and call Keith. We briefly talked about each others day. I told him how much I missed him and loved him and look forward to seeing him tomorrow afternoon. We said our goodnights. Thinking back on it now, I do not know why I never mentioned David in my conversation. I truly do not believe there was any devious intent.
Removing my heels from aching feet and taking off my pantyhose’s I took a minute to freshened up in the washroom.
David was waiting when I returned, in two big comfy Victorian chairs by the fire. The wine was fantastic and going to my head due to the lack of food intake. David with his charming, flirtatious self. We talked a lot about today and work in general. He commented again on how attractive my dress was, also how much he liked my blonde hair. Telling me how mesmerizing my green eyes were. As much as I enjoyed the compliments, I reminded him again, I was a married woman. He laughed and poured me another glass of wine.
David seemed to be fascinated with everything that I said hanging on my every word, wanted to know about my hobbies my likes my favorite novels movies. Praising me on my work knowledge and impressed with how well we work together today on making lots of future business.
The wine now gone, made me feel tipsy and the warmth of the fire felt good. My only discomfort was my aching feet I raised my leg up to rub my foot and mentioned that he was lucky not to wearing heels all day. He laughed and reached over grabbed my foot in his hand and started massaging it before I even knew what was happening. I instinctively tried to pull my foot away but it felt so good, I just went with it. David asked,” how does that feel.”
I had to be honest if felt great, I relaxed my shoulders and sank into my chair tilting my head back closing my eyes. Gently massaging and stroke the bottom of my foot, what seemed like forever. Letting it slip from his hand, setting it on the floor, he reaching for the other. Continuing to work on my arches, I again leaned back and closed my eyes.
After a few moments I slowly opened my eyes and looked over at David, realizing he was looking up my skirt. I felt flush with embarrassment and closed my legs but did not pull my foot away as he continued to massage. Looking up into my eyes and smiling, I sat back and relaxed. I could feel his fingers gently working now on my ankle and lower calf’s. God I loved having my feet rubbed, it felt sooo good.
Then I felt a peculiar sensation, I opened my eyes and realized, he was kissing and licking my toes. At first I was stunned shocked but it felt…Good! Closing my eyes again and pretended that I had not noticed. His strong hands gently squeezed massaged my calves and tickled me gently underneath my kneecap. I could feel his tongue swirling around between my toes then sucking on each toe. No one had ever done this before and it was starting to turn me on. Once again he gently set my foot down to the floor and then reached for the other foot again. I assumed he was going to kiss and lick it as well when I felt it, his hot breath on my knees his fingers stroking my thighs.
Working his way up gently, his fingertips dragging across the sides of my thighs then I felt his lips kissing my knees. David’s hand on each, he slowly opened my legs and started kissing my inner thigh. I knew that this was wrong, yet it felt so right. I just laid there with my eyes closed taking all the sensations in. Feeling the stubble from his chin scratching across my thighs as his face moved forward. I spread my legs wider, I could now feel as hot breath on my Inner thighs and I could hear him gently make a moaning sound as he drew in a breath inhaling me. His nose made contact with my panty, moving his face up-and-down rocking as his nose rubbed against my clit through my black lace thong panty. As he nuzzled his face between my legs his hot breath, his bristly chin, I could feel a climax building in me already. Reaching down with my hand and placed it against the side of his head I whispered, “we can’t someone will catch us, this is not right.”
He whispered back, “come with me.” I looked up and he was standing up, David grabbed my hand. Like on auto pilot I just followed him staggering along the wine was affecting me.
“Where are we going”
I am taking you back to your room.” That statement made me feel comfortable knowing that I was going back to my room. Holding my hand he led me through the door we walked into the dark room. He wrapped his arms around me and then I felt his kiss. I just stood there, I did not know what to do. My Passion was rising inside me, feeling him hold me against his body. Feeling his erection now pressing into me, I started to kiss him back. Ever so gently lowered me back onto the bed, I laid back with my feet still on the floor. David crouched down in front of me and placed his face back between my legs where he had left off. Only this time I felt his fingers pulling my panties to the side. Then I felt his tongue touch my labia, darting, licking, teasing my button.
He paused momentarily, I opened my eyes, felling my panties being pulled down my legs and off my feet. My eyes now adjusting to the moonlight coming in through the frosted glass of this cold winter night. I could make out in shadow as he proceeded to once again make love to my neatly trimmed love flower. David teased me over and over to the brink and back. I reached out with my hands trying to hold his head in place wanting, aching to reach my climax. I could not take his teasing any longer, holding him steady forcing his face into my love. I had a mind blowing orgasm, lying there, taking in the afterglow. After awhile he slowly crawled up beside me lying there with my dress bunched around my waist. He held me in his arms and kissed me gently on my neck. I remember whispering that felt so good and then sleep overtook me.
I do not know how long I had been asleep, or even where I was when I suddenly awoke feeling my husband making love to me. He was gently moving in-and-out on top of me keeping his weight off. Gently kissing my neck, it felt so good, I mourned “Kevin please take me.”
His thrust increased and I could feel him suddenly begin to shake, climaxing, giving me his seed. I wrapped my arms around him as he laid beside me breathing heavy. I was trying to rationalize where we were, when it came to me… I was not at home my husband was not here… who is this David?… No please, No this can not be happening. I sat up trying to get my bearings, I heard him say. “it’s ok lay back relax you’re fine. ”
“No, No I am not fine, this is not my room, what have we done.
Dear Diary
Staggering around searching for my panties on the floor grabbing them and making my way out the door. I realized my room was one door up and across the hall. Getting back into the safety of my room, I burst into tears. Oh my God what have I done, stripping off my dress and bra. Rushing into the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. Talking to my image, “you discuss me.”
Turning on the shower, jumping in and lathering up my body, I scrubbed myself raw. Especially between my legs, trying to put together the pieces in my mind, as to what I have done. I know he took advantage of me when I fell asleep, but I did consent beforehand. Oh god no court in the world would take my side, especially the highest court my husband. Getting out of the shower I towel dry and quickly threw all my things back in my overnight bag. I have to get out of here before the morning, I can not face him, I can’t face anyone…
Putting on a pull over and a pair of jeans, socks, my coat and boots. Hair up in a ponytail, I crept out the door. Down the hall and out the front door.
There was about an inch of fresh fallen snow, and the moon still shone bright. Putting my case in the trunk, deciding to walk to clear my head.
The wine tonight was the first drink of alcohol, having not drank from the time I was pregnant till now. I should have been more careful, knowing that it would hit me hard, I should have known a lot of things. Knowing what some men can be like as well… I am not stupid, but I was tonight. I pulled up my hoodie my damp hair was starting to freeze. Up ahead at the end of the street were the lights of a café, cast neon on new fallen snow. I pulled out my phone and checked the time six AM. I sent a text to my husband, { Can not sleep missing you love you so much.}
Stepping inside and ordered a coffee, the girl behind the counter looked at me surprised to see anyone. Guess I was her first customer, I thanked her for the coffee paid and moved away from the counter. Thinking that she might try to get into a conversation with me and I would break down crying. I just did not need that, it would be daybreak soon. I will just drink my coffee, by the time I walk back I should be more than clear minded enough to drive home. I can not stay here, have to get back to my husband. I love him so much, what have I done. I will throw myself at his feet and beg his forgiveness.
Walking back to the car as the sun was beginning to rise. Warming the car enough to get on my way, I headed home to face my fate. I cried all the way home playing it over and over in my mind, knowing I had to tell Keith what I had done. One stop on my way home and it was at the drug store to get the morning after pill.
Reaching my home I pulled into the driveway and got out, not even worrying about unpacking. I had to see him, I must hold my husband. Getting my key to open the door, Keith opened it first announcing. “Beth why are you home so early, what is wrong, why are you crying?”
I told him to just hold me please, just hold me in your arms. I cried and I cried, and he just held me. He wrapped his arm around me and hugged me as tight as he could through my winter coat. When I was cried out, I asked about Ava! Keith told me he had just dropped her off at his mom’s house. He was about to go out to do the grocery shopping, before I got home.
We sat down on the sofa and he held my hands in his, our knees turned towards each other I told Keith. “I need to tell you something, I need you to know that I love you, I love you more than my own life. I never wanna hurt you and I need you, I need you and Ava in my life to the day I die… But I’ve made a big mistake, a horrible mistake and I have to tell you…”
He just sat there and looked at me and listened as I told him the events of the night before without being graphic, but leaving out nothing. When I was done talking he let go of my hands, Keith stood and he looked down at me. I seen the tears in is eyes, the pain on his face, it was unbearable and he walked out that door. I ran behind him screaming his name, he never turned, Keith never stopped. He got in his car, me pounding on the window, following the car down the driveway until he pulled away and left me behind. I fell down in the snow on my hands and knees screaming, “NO, NO. this can’t be happening.”
I did not know what to do next, walking back into the house standing in the doorway. Trying to think, then I went back outside, grab my cell from my car and frantically text him. Then ran down the street to our mom’s house, maybe she would know what to do. I need to see my baby Ava…. Oh God please help me.
Reaching their home I pounded on the door frantically Becky, mom opened the door, “good lord Elizabeth what is wrong child, come in come in, Bruce get the girl to drink a water hurry.”
I crumpled at her feet, “oh God Mom please forgive me please, Keith has left me, I have made a horrible horrible mistake.” My father-in-law handed me a glass of water I took a drink gulping and choking. Becky stroked my back and wiped my cheeks. “Easy girl just relax, Bruce go check on Ava give us a couple of minutes Hun.”
Mom took me to the kitchen and between tears of anguish, I slowly explained my mistake she looked at me and said “oh dear, ok honey one thing at a time excuse me a minute.”
I found out later that she went to talk to Bruce and told him to go find Keith and talk to him she would explain later. “Call his cellphone honey.”
When she returned I asked her if Ava was ok? she said, “she’s napping quietly in front of the TV, she got up early this morning when Keith brought her over.”
I remember feeling light headed almost like I was going to pass out with all that had happened and the lack of sleep. Mom told me that I should lay down and relax for a bit, she took me to the guest room. I laid on the bed and she sat beside me and stroked my head, I cried myself to sleep. I awoke a few hours later and wandered out into the living room Becky and Bruce were playing with Ava and I crouched down on the floor she ran over and gave me a hug I tried to hold the tears back as best I could hugging Ava. Bruce looked angry he locked eyes with me for a moment then looked away, got up and left the room. “I will make tea,” he said.
Mom told me, he got ahold of Keith, “we will talk about it in a few minutes. Just play with your daughter for a minute let me get you something to eat.”
I told her “I’m not hungry.”
“You will eat some chili, I will be right back with a cup of tea.”
She left me to play with my daughter as she went to join her husband in the kitchen.
I picked up Ava and went out into the kitchen, as I entered Mom motioned for me to sit down, putting a cup of tea in front of me and went back to stirring some chili at the stove. Bruce just stared at me. “We ladies need alone time.”
Bruce picked up his tea and went in the other room I could see a look of disdain in his eyes. The same look that my husband had only, without the tears. Mom put a bowl down in front of me, taking Ava from me. On mom’s knee she bounced and giggled, as I tried to eat something. In between bites I said, “what am I going to do Mom?”
She said, “just eat up Elizabeth, I will come up with a plan. I will fill you in on what I know in a few minutes.”
I ate about half then felt sick so I pushed the bowl away and just sipped up my tea. As we sat silent except for little Ava’s giggling as she bounced on her grandma’s knee. She called out, “Bruce could you look after Ava for a minute, we’re going downstairs to the rec room, Ok honey!”
We grabbed our tea and went downstairs, as Ava took her grandpa’s hand and went into the other room to watch cartoons. Once downstairs I sat on the sofa and mom began to tell me that Bruce had talked to his son for a minute. “He’s decided to move out Elizabeth.”
“Oh my God, please no, no, I love him mom. I have to get him back.”
“Listen to me,” she said, “I need to tell you something, I need you to listen carefully. I have never brought it up before and I do not know if Keith has ever said anything to you but I was married once before. When I was a lot younger before my wonderful husband Bruce. I was married to a man that I thought I would be with for a lifetime. I was foolish and young and I cheated on him.”
She just left that hanging in the air, as I looked aghast. She continued, “I regret what I had done, and I moved on then met Bruce.”
I jumped up, started crying, “I don’t want anyone else. I do not want to move on.”
She stopped me and grabbed my hands, “that’s not what I am saying. Sometimes we make mistakes, so I understand to some degree what you’re going through. I am going to do everything to fix this, there’s a big difference between my situation and yours, you two have Ava. Elizabeth, I have always wanted to have a daughter and you are my daughter now! Now listen to me give him some time let us work with him I will keep you informed of everything I know. Bruce is a little bit angry with you but we still loves you and I am certain Keith does too. We are going to go down to your place and we are going to get some of your things. I want you to stay, you and Ava here with Bruce and I tonight.
I don’t think Keith is coming back soon and you should not be alone. So come on girl let’s finish up these cups of tea and get some things. We will settle back here for the night and re evaluate in the morning.”
She gave me a hug and I told her I loved her and she stated.” I know you do dear, now come on.”
We went back to the house and gathered some things. I went back to mom and dad’s. I text Keith again and again without any reply. I even tried calling but his phone went to voicemail immediately. I settled in and took a shower again and then played with Ava. Then moped around for the evening, hoping to hear from my husband. By Ava’s bedtime I said I was going to go to bed early I was tired.
Dear Diary
Sunday morning I woke up and looked at the clock trying to re evaluate as to where I was and where my husband is, when it all came back to me. Seeing the alarm clock 10:30 I jumped out of bed and went to the room that Ava sleeps, when at her grandma’s. She was not there, I rushed into the kitchen. Bruce was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee, he said, “relax Betty’s taken her out to do some shopping for us while you slept. She said you needed it, sit have a coffee with me, we need to talk.”
I sat down and began to apologize to my father in law, for my inappropriate behavior to his son. He held up his hand to stop me from talking.” I am disappointed in you Elizabeth, but that does not mean I do not love you any less.”
I covered my eyes with my hands and began to cry as he spoke.
“Now tell me who is this guy, I want his name, does he work with you?”
“No he does not work with me, he is from another office.” I told him David’s name and what I knew about him and that I’d never met him before or planned to ever see him again. “I promise you Bruce, I am going to fix this, I’m going to do everything I can.”
” I do not know how you are going to do that, Elizabeth! I talked to Keith yesterday he is pretty upset.”
Tears running down my face, I looked at him and begged. “Where is he, please tell me where he is, so I can go to him. He won’t answer any of my messages.”
“Like I said my son, is pretty upset. Give him time, Elizabeth. In the meantime, talk to me if there is anything I can relate it to him when I hear from him. I am not certain where he is today, but he promised me he would text me at some point.”
“Dad please, tell him I love him, tell him not to give up on me and Ava”
I heard Ava and Betty come in the door. I wiped my tears and tried to smile as I turned. “There’s my little girl.”
“Mommy.” My little girl cried out. Ava gave me a big hug and then went off to play, while Mom sat down at the table with the two of us. She informed me that she picked up some groceries for the both of us.
Helping her put groceries away we then loaded Ava in the baby’s seat. Proceeding down the street to my house to put the rest away. I invited Mom in for a cup of tea and Ava watched a Disney movie. I offered to pay her for the groceries but she would not hear of it. I began to cry again,” Mom I really miss him. I do not know what to do, he will not answer my calls, I do not know how to fix this!”
She gave me a big hug and said, “just give him time sweetheart, Bruce and I are both trying to talk to him. He has not spoken to me either, I just got a quick text from him yesterday saying that he was fine. I know he had a small conversation with his dad, I will let you know if either one of us hears from him.”
After her cup of tea she gave me another hug and went back home. I started my new normal, getting ready for work without my husband, the love of my life.
Dear Diary
Monday morning I drop Ava off at Mom’s and drove to work. The entire shop was a buzz talking about the success of the convention. I kept quiet and to myself, a couple of the other girls asked me if I was ok. I said I was just not feeling well. During my lunch break, I tried calling Keith again and texting. Still no answer. That night when I got home before I picked up Ava, disaster struck. I came in the house and realized Keith had been there and taken his clothes and personal things. Immediately I tried calling him again, text and calling to no avail. Then called his mom, crying so hysterically on the phone she could not understand me. I just hung up and within a few minutes she was at the door, she told me that Bruce was looking after Ava.
“He’s gone Mom he is gone, he’s taken his thing, aaand this……” Holding up the letter he left.
“Calm down, calm down sweetheart, he is not gone. He’s only taking the things that he needs, he has a life here. Listen he texted Bruce today and he told him that he needed a week’s vacation. Keith is not gone, this is his home, his family, his daughter. Give him the week sweetheart I am sure things will be fine. Let me read the note.”
*******
Beth
I don’t want you to think I am being vindictive by leaving, you can not even begin
to believe the pain I’m feeling… I am punishing myself as much as you, I love
you too much. I would eventually cave in to you and I would not be able to
respect myself… Good Bye Elizabeth.
Take care of our little girl, learn from our mistakes and teach her well.
********
“OK, Ok, calm down. I know it does not sound good. Ok, let him heal, Elizabeth, In the mean time, you take the time to figure out how this could have happened and work on you! I am going to go back and talk to Bruce, I will bring down Ava. You go take a shower and relax and pull yourself together. That little girl needs you.”
Dear Diary
Well, today’s Valentine’s Day. It has been three weeks since that horrible day. I still have not heard from my husband personally, nor can I get ahold of him. Bruce told me that he has decided to take a trucking job at another location but would not elaborate as to where he was. Where he was working or when he was coming home still uncertain. I believe Bruce I do not think that he would keep that information from me, he knows how much pain I am in. Bruce has a good heart with a rough exterior.
My life consists of working going home, looking after Ava sleepless nights, returning to work again. A purgatory Groundhog Day. The highlight of my week was hearing back from my doctor that I got a clean bill of health for STD’s. The joy of being women, a pap smear and a mammogram. Scraped and tits though a ringer. (FUN WOW) I am finally getting Ava potty trained, that’s been fun too. (sarcasm, sarcasm)
I called my Dad last week, wanted to talk to him about what I was going though, but he was busy complaining about his aches and pains. I decided not to at this time, it disappointed me he never ask or inquire about his Granddaughter even.
I sit here alone on Valentine’s Day, wishing I could change the past wondering where my husband is tonight. A week ago there was a big buzz at work it turns out David from the other location was mugged. From what I hear from the other girls he is still in the hospital. Multiple broken fingers, some sort of groin injury and a broken jaw. When I heard about it I began to wonder if Keith, his father, one of their friends or work associates had something to do with it. Being too coincidental to just be a random mugging! When I picked Ava up after work and told mom and Bruce about what had happened, Bruce stared at me with a stoic look, then piped up and said, “he had it coming,” and just smiled.
Mom on the other hand is still constantly optimistic telling me Keith has not filed for separation and most of his things are still here. This is his and your home, you are his wife, Ava is his daughter. He has to come back sometime she stated, everything is going to be fine. I am so lonely, I hurt so much.
I suddenly remembered the bottle of wine stored away in the garage. Every year on Valentine’s, we buy a bottle of Seduction Red wine for the following year. Not that I had planned on drinking it. I wont touch alcohol again, unless my husband is with me. It was a tradition that Keith and I had started. I guess that tradition has come to an end. I went out to the garage to get it. Planning on putting it on the kitchen table to remind me of last years Valentines. There on the shelf under the bottle was an envelope. Picking up the bottle and I brought it into the kitchen I put the wine on the table and sat down. My hands were shaking as I opened it up…Inside was a card turning it over.O my God, it a valentine how! When did it get there, Opening it up I read
Beth I know I could not let this day go by without
thanking you again for the give you gave me,
my little valentine, Ava. She is and will always
be the produced of the love we shared. I can
never, Thank You enough.
I drop the card to the table and cried for an hour. After I shut off the kitchen light. I will put the bottle back in the garage in the morning and hope for better days. Slipping into Ava’s room, I kissed our sleeping love child goodnight and went to bed.
Dear Diary
It is Easter Sunday, I spent the day with Mom and Bruce, I feel strange calling him dad. But lately Bruce has been more of a father to me then my own. On Friday after church, Mom told me that she heard from her son at last. He told her he had a contract, working for a mining company driving a Caterpillar 767. She looked it up on Google and showed me the pictures of what a 767 was. She implored him to come home, that we all missed him. She told me that she spoken to him about the mistake that I had made and how remorseful she believes me to be.
Mom told him that Ava needs her daddy, she said the phone was silent for the longest time, when she asked if he was still there? Keith replied, “I love you Mom, I have to go” and hung up.
We both had a good cry over that conversation. I informed Mom, that large amounts of money have been going into our joint bank account these last three months. She stated, “he is a good boy, he’s still looking after you girls financially anyways. Do not give up on him sweetheart.”
I told her I have no intention of giving up until I draw my last breath. I love him and miss him so much.
Grandpa Bruce was so good with Ava, helping her with her Easter egg hunt. The following week, the girls at work invited me out for a girl’s night multiple times and I just did not want an opportunity where there could be some misinterpretation. My heart is not in it, nor would I want to, if my husband did not know what I was up to.
I can not get ahold of him but keep trying. I have not called or text every day, like I used to in the first weeks but still do frequently, months have now gone by. I found myself sneaking away into the bathroom while everybody was cleaning up after Easter dinner, trying to reach Keith, to no avail.
Dear Diary
Today is Mother’s Day and an interesting day it turned out to be. I was not looking forward to this day for so many reasons. One the passing of my mother so long ago. Two, not having my husband here to celebrate with his daughter and myself. Three, today is our wedding anniversary. But like I said some interesting things did come out of today. I got up early and got Ava ready, because I had planned on taking Mom out. Us three girls had a reservation for high tea at a local lounge. As I finish putting Ava into a pretty little dress and tied a bow in her hair, the door bell rang. I was not expecting anybody, so was surprised when I opened the door and it was a delivery man.
Holding the largest bouquet of beautiful flowers I had ever seen, unfortunately offering no card. I asked the delivery guy if he knew who they were from. He said “I just deliver I have no idea ma’am.”
I tried calling the flower shop to see if there was some kind of mistake, but they said my name and address where correct. They had no idea who the purchaser was off hand. I put them in a vase on the kitchen table. When the phone rang, to my surprise it was my Dad, wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. We had a really nice talk and he even said hello to Ava, on the phone. I asked him if he would come visit, he asked me why don’t we come down to Florida and see him! I said, “it is a little bit more difficult for me right now dad with Ava and everything.”
I did not want to leave the house until I know what is going on between Keith and myself. Dad promised me that he would come visit in December. I told him to say hello to his wife for me. Even though I am certain she does not really care for me. I just get that feeling, I do not know why.
Anyways after getting off the phone we went down to the in-laws and I quizzed them both about the flowers. Asking if they had anything to do with it. They assured me it had nothing to do with them. I had no idea who it could be, mom was certain it was Keith, who had sent them. She inform me that he had called and wished her a happy Mother’s Day.
Once again, bless her heart, She started singing my praises and tell Keith, how much I love him, missed him. Again Mom said, he was very quiet and said that he had to go. That again brought out the water works and I had to run to the bathroom, freshen up.
I think Bruce was happy to have us girls out of the house. The weather today was absolutely beautiful. We had the opportunity to have our high tea out in the gardens at the restaurant. I do not want to say that I am losing hope, but the months are going by and I keep trying to reach my husband. I was so stupid, I can not believe that I made such a terrible mistake. In the evenings I find myself on Google researching, trying to find ways to better myself. Looking into causes of infidelity, how to be a better wife. How to win back your man, any videos I can find for self help.
I feel weird putting this to pen, but if you can’t trust your diary who can you trust. I woke up last night in the middle of the night, having an erotic dream about my husband. I was so horny, I had to bring myself to orgasm. I haven’t done that since the day he left… Shhhh, don’t tell no one.
Dear Diary
I had a couple of girlfriends over to the house last week. We opened a bottle of wine, I drank tea, which they teased me about and we watched a Hallmark movie. It was nice to have them over, Ava enjoyed the company as well.
The next day I called my dad and said happy Father’s Day. Then went over and said happy Father’s Day to Bruce. Mom and I went out to do some grocery shopping. Bruce volunteered to look after Ava. When we got home I was carrying in the grocery’s with Mom, when Ava came running up to me and threw her arms around my legs. “Mommy, Mommy, I talked to Daddy.”
I almost dropped the groceries, thank God, Bruce was there to hold me up. He explained to me that Keith had called to wish him a happy Father’s Day and he had put Ava on the phone. He’s not sure about what the conversation was, but Ava and him were on the phone together for a few minutes. Bruce took the groceries and I sat down on the sofa. Ava jumped up on my knee and I started crying. She said, “are you sad Mommy?”
“No baby, I am happy, happy you talked to your daddy, do you remember what daddy said?”
“Yes I remember, he said he loves me.” Mom took Ava in her arms and gave her a big hug while I ran to the other room. I was crying so hard I was beginning to hyperventilate. I sat on the bed in the guest bedroom when I heard a knock at the door. Bruce came in with a glass of water for me and sat down beside me. I did my best to calm down a little and drank the water and then handed him back the glass, thanking him. Then he shocked me by doing something he had never done. Bruce, put his arms around me and gave me a hug.
He said, “Elizabeth, I know I said I was disappointed in you, and I know I have not been overly vocal in trying to get you to back together.” He just paused for a moment and just held me as I wept. Then he let go of his embrace, put his hands on my shoulders and said, “look at me”
I had a hard time looking him in the eyes, but I did. I could see my husband Keith in his eyes. He said,” I want to take back my earlier statement. You are a good woman and a great mother. I am proud of you and I will put my support behind you. Do everything I can to convince my son, that if he does not come back to you, he is making the biggest mistake of his life. We all make mistakes, Elizabeth, and I know you are remorseful. Why don’t you just rest here for a minute and come out when you are ready?” Bruce got up and walked away and closed the door.
Dear Diary.
It is been 27 weeks since the last time I saw my husband. It is a beautiful July summer day, tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Today I thought I would have some girlfriends from work over for a barbeque. The conversation inevitably came up again and I explained to everybody that my husband was working on a contract job in the mines up north. That was not a lie, I did not need to say anymore about my situation. Mom came by a little later on and picked up Ava said she would look after her. Ava was a big hit among my friends, but I was happy to have mom look after her so I could relax with some friends.
There was lots of wine for everybody. But I split a pot of tea with one of the older ladies who said that she did not drink. After my little get together BBQ, Bruce came by and brought Ava home. Bruce asked me if I had a few minutes, he needed to talk to me about something. I said, “sure Dad, give me a minute to tuck Ava in, it is her bedtime anyways.” I do not know why, but his words unnerved me.
He said.” Let’s go into the living room and talk for a minute.”
We sat across from each other and Bruce sat quiet for a moment, then he said. “Elizabeth, I talked to Keith on the phone today, he called me. I told him that I have been keeping a personal eye on you all the time that he has been away and you have been nothing but an honorable wife and good mother. I also said son, there is no guarantee that another woman in your life would never falter. Nor is there any hard proof that, you Elizabeth, have not learned a hard lesson and would never falter again! Son what I am saying is possible boy you need to look at this from the bigger picture. Other than what happened has she not been your everything? Mother to your child, best friend, the wife you chose over all others! Your relationship maybe off track per say, based on your original vow, but can’t you start over and forgive?
Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and if you are trying to hide from pain, you can not. There is going to be pain in the future. There’s going to be illnesses, there is even going to be death, but if there’s love!
We need to hold on to that every day and try to forgive move past the days that are not what we anticipate. I do not know if I got through to him or not Elizabeth but he did listen and he told me that he would think about everything I said and that he has been thinking for a long time.”
I jumped up and hugged him and said “I thank you for everything that you have said and done. Regardless of what Keith decides, I would hope that you will always be there for me and I will be there for you and Betty.”
As midnight neared and my birthday was officially here. I decided to try calling Keith again for the millions time. Every call for the longest time was answered with, (the customer you were trying to reach is unavailable.) Or, (the mailbox that you have reached this full.)
But I never gave up trying, so once again I found myself lying in bed calling his number. To my shock the message was different, at first I did not even catch it because I wasn’t paying attention. Realizing that, my cell went
(..B E E P..) I was sitting silent, stunned! I hung up and called back immediately, carefully listen to the message
(Hi this is Keith I am sorry I missed your call
but I will listen to it when I get a chance. By
the way, if this is my wife, Happy Birthday.)
At the end I left a message back, saying, “oh Keith, sweetheart! thank you so much for remembering my birthday I love you sooo much please come home please!. Hello Keith are you there?..B E E P..
I called back and listened over again just to hear his voice and then fell asleep with my phone in my hand tears in my eyes. When I woke in the early morning, I tried calling again and the message was now, (The customer you were trying to reach is not available.)
I did NOT dream it, it was real, I did hear the message, I know I did… He has heard my reply and cleared the message now I know it!!
Dear Diary, September
Ava’s birthday today, and we are throwing a little birthday party. she turns three today. We have invited some of her new friends and mothers from preschool over. I was relieved that no one asked me where my husband was Mom and Bruce came over and dropped off gifts and had cake after the other guests left. I did not say anything but I was so disappointed not to have Keith acknowledged his own daughter’s birthday.
When Mom’s cellphone rang She had a shocked look on her face and got up and walk to the other side of the room. She was looking at me with a pained look on her face as she was talking on the phone and then she said Ava come here sweetheart someone wants to say hello. I stood and stared at my mom and she held the phone to a Ava’s ear. Listened intently and then I heard her say hello Daddy and I fell to my knees crying I crawled across the floor on my hands and knees towards her trying to get close enough to hear his voice as he was talking. Then she said goodbye Daddy, I quickly grabbed the phone and said “Keith, hello Keith, ”
but no one was there. I quickly pulled myself together for my daughter’s sake. Mom picked her up and said ok let’s open some more presents. Bruce came over and put his arm around me, helped me to the sofa and kissed me softly on the top of the head. Later that night when Ava was in bed the three of us sat at the kitchen table and drank tea.
Mom held my hand and said “I just did not know what to say sweetheart. I did not want him to hang up so I just followed his instructions, I’m sorry.”
“I am not blaming you mom, it is my own fault. I just don’t think that he is ever going to stop hating me I am trying not to give up but it’s been so, so long.”
Bruce then put his hand on top of ours and said, “never give up, I won’t let you, not until we see him in person. He can not stay away forever sweetheart, trust me. Trust me on this, I will get him back here.”
I said, “thank you Bruce, but I do not want you to make him come back, I want him to want me back. I am tired I think I will go to bed.”
Dear Diary
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I truly have to give thanks more than you could ever imagine. I love the fall, the beauty of the colored leaves. The crisp air or smell of wood burning in the fireplace to take off the chill. The day started very somber, waking up once again to my routine. Again trying to get ahold of Keith on the phone with no success I moved on to getting Ava and myself over to the in-law’s house. I promised to help mom prepare Thanksgiving dinner. I’d planned on making an apple pie as well. Seeing as my car was in the shop for repairs Bruce said that he would take me to the market while mom looked after Ava.
As I was going through the produce department picking out some apples, Bruce wandered around the store trying to find supplies for Betty. A man walked up to me and started chatting me up, asking me if I had plans for Thanksgiving. Looking down at the apples, I answered him with a yes and started to move away. Once again he pushed his card up near me and said, “if you don’t mind me saying you are very attractive.”
I looked up at him and said, “thank you for the compliment but I am married.”
At that moment Bruce walked up behind the gentleman stating, “IF you don’t mind me saying fuck off…”
The man looked at him startled, moving away immediately and I began apologizing. “Bruce I, I did not…”
” Don’t worry yourself you did nothing wrong Elizabeth, I trust you whole heartedly”
I wipe a tear from my eye, “Bruce that means a lot to me thank you.”
We gathered our produce and headed to the checkout and then home. I finished making an apple pie and put it in the oven, then went to play with Ava in the leaves in the backyard. We were making piles and she was jumping in them and laughing and having a great time.
Putting the Apple pie out to cool, Mom put the turkey in the oven. Afterwards we cleaned up and I helped her set the table for later. Ava went in to sit on the couch snuggled up next to grandpa as he watched football. I was standing at the counter drying as mom washed some dishes. We talked as we waited on dinner. I heard the front door but never paid any attention, then I heard Bruce talking to someone, I assumed Ava. Mom offered me a glass of wine and poured one for herself, I said no thank you mom I am not going to drink until Keith is back in my arms. At which point Mom was looking over my shoulder and her face went pale. Hearing a man’s voice say, “well then hand her a glass of wine Mom!”
I stood there in shock and slowly turned around and there he was, standing there with a smile looking at me. My whole body began to shake and I thought I was going to fate. Keith quickly moved towards me putting out his arms. I ran into his arms, start crying and crying and crying, “Oh God I’ve missed you, you’ve come back to me.”
Mom starting to cry as well and moved over and hugged the two of us. Then Ava started crying, Keith reached down and picked her up. She was nervous and the three of us once again hugged and she said, “mommy are you okay?”
“Of course honey there just happy tears.”
“Daddy is home” she said, “hello Daddy” and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
I was a wreck my mascara was running down my face, I just could not stop the tears. My whole body was shaking I said, “Keith I’m sorry, I must look a wreck.”
Keith helded us for awhile, then setting Ava to the floor he said,” you’re beautiful Beth.”
I wanted to go to the Washroom and fix myself up for him, but didn’t want to let go either. So I just held on to his hand, afraid if I let go he would be gone again, or I’d wake up from this dream.
Bruce joined us, “why don’t we all going to the living room.”
My husband led me across the floor holding my left hand and Ava his other hand. I felt his thumb quickly flick my wedding rings on my fingers. The four of us sat on the couch and Bruce in his chair. I sat on Keith’s right, mom on his left. Ava crawled up on to my knee. I started to say, “I am so sorry…”
Keith said, ” shĥh don’t say a word there is plenty of time to talk.”
Bruce handed Keith and I a glass of wine. Ava got up and started dancing and acting silly and mom got up and danced with her. Mom started asking Keith a million questions about his work and if he was back. One run on question after another, before he could even answer even one.
Keith smiled and said, “would you mind looking after Ava, Mom, Beth and I need to go for a walk, we need to talk a little bit in private.”
Hearing those words unnerved me but I knew that we had to talk. We got up and I put on a spring jacket it was starting to cool in the fall, but was sunny today. We put on our shoes and headed out the door. He held my hand as we kicked through the leaves across the front lawn and down the street. We did not talk for the longest time, my hand was trembling, I’m sure he could tell.
As we walked along I started to say again, “Keith I am so sorry for what I did..”
“Hold my hand, let’s just walk and enjoy the day for a little bit.” he replied. The only sound as we walked was a gentle breeze and the swishing leaves under foot. The color of the leaf’s where spectacular making me sentimental about Thanksgivings, Keith and I shared before. Also remembering long-gone school days, how excited we used to be as children, knowing Halloween was round the corner. The silence was awkward and becoming increasingly tense for me. We came across a bench at the end of the park and Keith ask me to take a seat. We sat turned towards each other, he took my hands in his.
After a long moment, Keith said, “I hear that piece of shit that works for your company had an unfortunate accident,” he paused for a moment. “He had it coming.”
I looked down sheepishly then stated, “that is exactly what your father said, did you, never mind…”
” Anyways, I am not here to talk about the past, let me say my peace first. Beth I have had a lot of time to think and there is some things that I need to say. To start off, it was very brave of you to tell me what happened. That made a big difference that you told me up front in my decision making. Secondly I thought about that day…
You asked me to go with you and I thought, there has been so many days recently that you have asked me to join you. I have put you off, usually because of work, no more. I do not want to be on my death bed regretting thing in my life, especially for an extra day of work. You and Ava, mean more to me than the mighty dollar. That brings me to the third point, I thought I took this opportunity away to think through. But that was not the only reason, they did paid me a ton of money it’s the hazard pay that you get for being away from your family for so long. I thought we could use the money to pay off our mortgage. I love working with Dad and being with family. I do not care if I go to the grave owing as long as you are with me Beth.”
“My hole body was shaking,He loves me, he forgives me.”
” What is a house, if it is not a home, it is not a home without you and Ava. What I am trying to say Beth, is that I am responsible as well.”
“No no no it was all me and I beg mercy and forgiveness.”
“Beth please let me finish…I bear the burden of my responsibility as well. I know we are not the same people we were when we met and we are not going to be the same people ten years from now. But I want to be with you for our life time. A relationship requires maintenance like all things we value. From now on, if something is more then a request, lets promise to be clear with its importance. I need to know how you are feeling! Make sure you have my attention fully and tell me, call me out. We need to make time for each other without life’s distractions.
Beth you are a beautiful woman, but you are never more beautiful when when I see you smile. That is as close to Heaven as this man can get.”
I listen to his ever word and was overwhelmed with emotion. “I swear to you on my life and family. I will treat every moment I am not with you, like your in the room watching me, I will regain your trust.”
On our way back we came upon our church we where married at. Pastor Stevens, was raking leaves out front and said hello. “Pastor, good to see you, I was wondering if I might use you as a witness and then ask you a small favor?”
“Why, Certainly anything I can do to help.”
Keith took my hand and looked into my eyes and said, “Beth, please give me your wedding band.”
“No, no, no. Please Keith. Don’t take them back. Please.”
“Beth I love you… In front of God’s witness, I only need it back for a bit! Keep your engagement ring on, I only want to get it altered. If you Pastor, would do us the Honor of helping us renew our marriage. In a few weeks, I will place the ring back on your finger Beth, till death do us part.”
I jumped into his arms, hugging and kissing all over his face. I would love that, Keith.”
Pastor, Steven said, “I look forward to seeing you two back. Let’s step inside for a moment and make arrangements and set a time and date.”
Dear Diary
We have set a date to renew our vows the afternoon of November, first. My husband was back, in body anyways. Everything seems ok on the surface. He spends a lot of time with Ava almost like he is trying to make up for lost time. We would go to the park almost everyday, after I return from work.
Keith had talked to his dad about taking a little time before, starting back working again. To reconnect with his family and make up for lost time. The first night he was home, after we put Ava to bed and I came into the bedroom wearing a little nighty. I did not know what was going to happen, Keith smiled at me as I crossed the room and I crawled into bed beside him.
I noticed he was wearing boxer briefs in bed, he generally slept nude. He smiled at me and said, “Beth I was thinking for just a little while we would refrain from.. you know and just hold each other, reconnect.”
I smiled and kissed him and curled up in his loving arms and that was our routine for the first little while.
The following weekend friends of ours asked us if we would attend the upcoming Halloween party at the end of the month. I was reluctant for so many reasons, number one I had no idea how we would interact with other couples. We were just getting back on our feet, God forbid some man ask me to dance and Keith took a dislike.
Or worse yet what if some woman took him away from me but these were all reasonably close friends as far as I know there was only two other couples that I did not know. I was also painfully aware that Keith was not big on dressing up and wearing costumes. He did say that he wanted to go, that it would probably be good for us. Last but not least, it would have to be an early night because the following day November 1st was our big day, when we renew are nuptials.
I had Come up with a clever Idea as far as I was concerned regarding the party I would wear just a pair of blue jeans a white blouse and running shoes and a name type tag. Keith would be dressed in a full suit and a tag, his tag would say [federal agent] mine [prisoner of love] I also got a pair of handcuffs and cuffed us together for the evening That settled the dance partner situation.
Keith was really getting in to being a stay-at-home dad and Ava was loving it. I think Mom was missing looking after her, because she came to our house every day, so I was told. Work was work, I did hear that through the grapevine that David had got out of the hospital and was on disability and moved away. I did not dare bring this information up, let dead dogs lie.
About a week and a half after Keith’s return, one night I came out of the shower wearing a little sexy nighty and asked Keith, if I could give him a back massage! Which he agreed to it’s not like we were not hugging touching and kissing, just not sex. At this point and I did not want to push him to hard but my body aches for him and it is not like I haven’t noticed his erections.
Getting some Peach scented body lotion I began to massage his back and shoulders while sitting straddling his firm buttock I knew I was getting moist. After about twenty minutes, I guided him without words to roll over and I straddled him again. Pushing my pantied sex against his boxer brief covered semi erection and began to massage his chest leaning forward I gently kissed him on the lips and then started kissing down his body. Keith did not resist me as I worked my way down gently putting my fingers into the top of his shorts and pulling them down exposing his hardness. Without hesitation I immediately took it in to my mouth I wanted to please him and bring him back to me. It did not take long and I had him erupting in my mouth, afterwards crawling backup his body and kissing the side of his neck. I snuggling into him he said,
“Beth I, I,I..”
“Shhh, my love just hold me go to sleep,” I purred and I laid in his arms smiling to myself. Knowing that I had pleased my man, that I have started the long process of winning back his desire.
The night of the Halloween party went off without a hitch. We danced we laughed we had fun and enjoyed the company of our friends. They were happy to see Keith back and ask a lot of questions about his work project up north. We never brought up the subject that there was a problem between us at any point and I was grateful for that.
After that night a while ago when I performed oral on Keith, I did not want to push it any further and we went back to our snuggling. But on this night the night before we renewed our nuptials, I was in the shower after the party getting ready for bed. When to my surprise Keith got into the shower with me, I immediately threw myself into his arms and we began kissing his hands were all over me. He was hungry, the look in his eyes was mad desire. He started kissing down my body licking my hardened nipples, down my body, the water cascading over us.
It almost felt like an erotic dream, then I felt him lift my leg as he pushed me against a shower wall his tongue licking pleasing me, I orgasmed within minutes. Keith made his way backup, kissing up my body. He spun me around and forced me hard against the shower wall pulling my leg to one side and entering me from behind. As he took me…. This was not love making. this was animalistic sex. Claiming his woman, Fucking me hard from behind. Taking what is his, reclaiming, I was loving every minute of it.
Dear Diary November
Yesterday was a magical day Gathering at the church with all the people I love Keith sat Ava down for a moment between us as he took both my hands After placing the renewed wedding ring back on my hand It was absolutely gorgeous. Keith had added a second diamond, he later told me represented our daughter
Ava. Holding each other’s hands looking into each other’s eyes the pastor told us to repeat after him.
“You are a constant in my life
whom I always have and will
continue to love.
I believe in this marriage more
than ever,
Reaffirm my love, loyalty, trust
commitment
To you eternally.”
That night my loving husband told me he loved me. Loved me and made love to me. Not just words, I felt it, he let go and gave me his hearts. So gentle, soft and tender. It was amazing, beautiful, I am a lucky woman.
Dear diary December
The festive holidays were upon us, the world seemed right again. My Dad and his wife, Barb came to visit, the second weekend in December. We all went out to diner and it was pleasant. It was nice to see Dad was happy and he got an opportunity to spend time with his granddaughter. Ava was a little shy with them but my Dad did spoil her with gifts before they left. I did get the opportunity to give my dad a hug and tell him I loved him and he said he loved me too! That was the Christmas gift that I wanted from him.
Mom and Bruce had blessed us with a surprise Christmas gift. A paid vacation to a castle hotel in Ireland. I can not believe I will be dancing New Year’s Eve with my loving husband in a castle. I have my Prince back, I am so looking forward
Thank you for listening,
Dear Diary