Jacob's Progress

An adult stories – Jacob's Progress by EmilyMiller,EmilyMiller It was never going to be easy for either of us moving. But the job offer was hard to turn down; we needed the stability it provided, especially now. And the house had a ghost. Not a real one of course, but her presence. The memory of what we had both lost. Even after a year and a half, it hung heavily on me. And I knew it was the same for Hannah. It was difficult for both of us to talk about some things. Hard to engage with an eight-year-old about the mother she no longer had. Hard for me to acknowledge the gaping void in my life. I didn’t feel I had the words.

Nicole had been at home for the last few weeks. It had felt like the thing to do. It probably was, for her. She was in her own house, her own bed, not in a faceless hospital or hospice. But now the walls bore the imprint of her passing. It was pervasive, inescapable, indelible. A new start wouldn’t erase her memory, I didn’t want to do that. But it might make things a little more bearable for both of us.

The move was to a new town in a new state. It meant leaving friends for Hannah, which was tough. For me, it was easier. I’d burnt bridges with so many people. I guess we process grief in different ways. I became a depressive asshole who was impossible to be around. Some friends tried, but eventually I drove even the most persistent of them away. Yeah! I could do with a new start too. Maybe I was being selfish and should have thought more about my daughter, but I hadn’t exactly been the best version of me. I hoped a reset might help to get back to being a semi-decent father. I told myself it was best for Hannah as well.

It didn’t feel that way as we drove to the new place. Hannah sat in the back with her headphones on and refused to acknowledge my presence, let alone reply to my attempts at conversation. It had been a long three hours, but I now parked in the drive.

“Here we are, big girl. Home.”

She silently got out, waited for me to open the house door and disappeared upstairs. We had stayed with my mom for a few days while the movers had been at work. I wanted Hannah to have the place set up, her furniture and things in situ. So much for that idea. I resisted the thought that I had a premature teenager on my hands and instead told myself that Hannah had been through hell. Who wants to see their mom die, for fuck’s sake? Give her time, give her time.

–We arrived on the Saturday. Monday was Labor Day and school started on the Tuesday. Hannah would be joining in third grade, with children who had known each other since pre-K. I knew it was going to be tough, being thrown in at the deep end so soon. The way things worked with the new and old houses, we couldn’t have moved earlier. And I didn’t see much point waiting until later in the year. Still I realized it sucked.

Her mood had gotten better over the long weekend. I did my best to be fun dad. We explored our new Main Street. Saw some awful Disney confection at the theater, a period building that I found charming. Found a pizza place she liked — and which I noted for future reference did deliveries. She’d helped me with grocery shopping and buying the few things that inevitably had got lost in the move. On the Monday, I gave her the iPhone she had wanted; though I was far from convinced it was best for a girl her age. Yeah, there was some guilt there, I’ll admit to trying to buy my way back into Hannah’s good books. Later, we had a dad and daughter BBQ. And no one got food poisoning.

But, that night, she couldn’t sleep. She said she was OK, but I know my daughter. I guess she had learnt to protect grown-ups from shit, the way I couldn’t protect her from what happened to her mom. I tried to settle her, but she ended up in the big bed, with my arm round her. The big bed? I couldn’t bear to keep the old one. The one in which… I was unclear why I’d bought a new big bed. Probably just autopilot. Lying awake at just gone midnight, my daughter finally asleep next to me, I missed Nicole. I missed my Nicky so very much.

–I’d dropped off Hannah. She had trudged more than walked. Her teacher had given her a friendly greeting, which she had barely responded to, eyes surveying the floor. I reminded her to be polite. But the teacher had said she understood and would look after her. And then she was gone.

And I was alone.

I’m a technical author, I write documentation for software, or user guides, or training manuals. I had been freelance and worked exclusively from home. That had been handy when Nicky was working. She had been in financial services. Hers was the main income and she worked long hours.

My time had been pretty much my own to organize, as long as I met my deadlines. That meant it was dad who dropped Hannah off, dad who picked her up, dad who took her to swimming, or play dates, or birthday parties. Friends used to joke that I was the real mom. I didn’t mind, it made sense and I liked the time with my daughter.

Now I’d taken a permanent job with one of my regular clients. With just one income, freelancing felt too risky. I’d still be mostly at home, but they wanted me nearby. Able to come into the office for half days, maybe once or twice a week, if required. Hence the move. The were a good organization and already knew I was a single parent. They had promised me a lot of flexibility.

In the past, I’d got to know the other parents. A couple of at home dads like me, but mostly moms. I was on the PTA and knew some of the other members pretty well. All people I’d now never talk to again. Today was different. It wasn’t just Hannah who knew no one. I adopted my daughter’s hang-dog gait as I walked back to the car.

“Jacob! Jacob! Please wait.”

A raised female voice, I wondered whether Hannah had had a meltdown. Something like when Nicole and I found an older girl had been bullying her for weeks, with the school blissfully unaware. I turned, fearing the worst.

“Jacob. Thank you. It is Jacob, right? I hope I haven’t been shouting at the wrong man.”

She was a little out of breath, her light brown hair pulled up and held messily by a crooked claw-clip. Her face was round, warm, and open, slightly flushed by running after me. I don’t think I noticed her clothes, mom clothes, I guess. Sort of shapeless. But her smile was nice. She was also holding a blue sweater.

“Hi. Yes, I’m Jacob.”

“Oh good. Wait. You are Hannah’s dad, right?”

“Yes, that’s right. Can I help you?”

“No. But I’m meant to help you.”

I must have looked quizzical.

“Sorry. First day back is always so hectic. I’m meant to be your buddy. For school that is. I’m meant to help you and Hannah get to know the school and the area. But the school office only sent me your details this morning. Really sorry, I should have contacted you a few weeks ago. But I couldn’t get anyone at the school to respond.”

She paused and took a deep breath.

“Sorry again. So frazzled. I’m being rude. I’m Paula. My daughter, Riley, is in Hannah’s class.”

She held out her hand and I shook it.

“I’m happy to meet you, Paula.”

Again I got the big smile. It lit up her face.

“Right. So I was meant to have contacted you before. Sorry again. Want to maybe go grab a coffee and I can fill you in.”

“That would be great. And really no need to apologize. In fact it’s me who needs to say sorry. I have a deadline today and with the move and settling in, I have to do some work. But how about tomorrow after drop off? Does that work for you?”

“That’s actually better. Let’s do that. I’ve just remembered, I didn’t give Riley her sweater. So hectic. Speak tomorrow.”

She turned and rushed back to the school. Walking back to my car, I smiled. At least it’s not just me who is disorganized. She seemed nice, it was good to know one person at least.

I got my work done. Went to pick up Hannah and waved to Paula from a distance. Riley waved and shouted “see you tomorrow, Hannah”. Hannah seemed pretty good. I told her I had found an ice cream place and asked if she wanted to tell me about her day over a sundae. Nothing makes Hannah more talkative than frozen dairy goods.

So. It had not been too bad. She liked her teacher. She’d been sat next to Riley, who was meant to be her buddy too. They got on. Some Korean boy band they both like, I struggle to keep up. And Riley likes dinosaurs, so of course Hannah thinks she’s great. Liking dinosaurs or not is Hannah’s main way of assessing people. It was a relief that she was chatty. Early days, I told myself, but it could have been worse.

I got Hannah to bed on time for once and — even more incredibly — she went to sleep. I guess it had been a big day emotionally. It was only 8pm and I finished off some other work, before having an early night myself.

–Lying in bed, sleep wouldn’t come. I knew why not.

For a long time, sex had been the last thing on my mind. After Nicky’s death, I closed down. I had anxiety. I couldn’t sleep. Sex wasn’t a thing for me. I even noticed that I was having problems. It didn’t normally take much to get me physically aroused. A bed scene shot artfully for a PG-13 audience was often enough. Nicole used to make fun of me. She said I was always ‘up’ for anything. Then that stopped.

I spoke to a doctor and she said it was most likely stress. She said that the normal pills would help for now, and that it would probably get better with time. I tried a pill once, just to check there was no bigger problem and it worked. But I had no real reason to take them. So I gave it time as the doc suggested. She was right about that too. Things got better, but that also led to other problems.

I wanted to cum. I knew that. I’d latched the door to my room. My dilemma was how? I closed my eyes and thought about Nicole’s body. About the first time I had seen it, when we were both at college. I thought about how I couldn’t believe she was with me. She was the cutest Junior in college, and it wasn’t even close. Her soft skin, her ample curves, her bewitching face, her big, limpid, sapphire eyes, framed by golden tresses. She was out of my league, but there she was, naked and wanting me.

The memories were enough to rekindle excitement. But then I always hit a block. Instead of arousal, remembering making love to her just brought tears. Maybe I was messed up to try to masturbate to my wife’s memory, but it felt better than the alternative. The alternative was shameful, disloyal to her. But the alternative was what I needed.

I grabbed my iPad and ear buds off of the nightstand and opened a private window in Safari. There was a girl. A girl who reminded me of her; reminded me of her a lot. A girl who was often available, at a price. I logged on, searched my favorites, and she was online. Ava knew my username and wrote something provocative as I joined her room. I clicked on the private button and she was all mine. She jumped as I buzzed the toy sticking pinkly out of her panties. She asked if I wanted her to be Nicky again and I typed yes. Ava’s voice was totally different, East European I thought, but it still helped me to pretend. I asked her to strip and she revealed the body that brought back so many memories.

“Do you want to fuck your Nicky, Jacob?”

I did. Stupid to use my real name, I know. But I kinda needed to hear Ava say it. I typed a reply one handed, balancing my iPad, with my other hand busy. She found a large dildo and sucked on it, then pushed it deep into her mouth. Pulling it out dripping with saliva.

“I love to suck your cock, Jacob. Now I want to be fucked.”

She pulled out the remote toy and left it on her belly. Then she slid the dildo up and down from her vagina to clit and back. Then she took it inside her, putting the toy on her clit. I buzzed it again and she moaned as she slid the dildo deeper in. My excitement built as she fucked herself, calling out my name, saying she was my Nicky, asking me to buzz the toy. I got tissues ready.

And then I heard something else, above her moans and sighs. A knocking at my door. I quickly typed ‘thank you’ and closed my browser window and then the iPad case. I grabbed my PJs and dressed rapidly, tucking my still rigid cock into the waistband, wishing it would start to deflate.

“I’m coming, honey, just a second.”

Fuck! Why did I chose those words?

I let her in, hoping I didn’t seem as flustered as I felt. Hoping there were no strange smells.

“I’m sorry Daddy, I just miss Mom. Can I stay with you?”

“Of course, honey. I miss her too.”

Hannah lay down and I covered her, before getting back into bed myself. I felt sick. I felt inadequate. I felt I’d let both Nicole and Hannah down. Hannah fell asleep, but I was looking at the ceiling until past three. Thinking how my daughter needed a much, much better father.

–I was tired and upset and grumpy the next morning. I shouted at Hannah about some minor thing. What an asshole, don’t take your shit out on her. I apologized in the car and she squeezed my arm as I drove and told me it was OK. I fought back tears as I thought I didn’t deserve her kindness and understanding. I dropped her off and walked back to the car, lost In thought.

“Jacob!”

I’d forgotten Paula. Why today? I forced myself to be pleasant, to smile. After all, she was the only adult I knew round here.

“Hi, Paula. Coffee then?

–The coffee place was nice. I’d followed Paula’s minivan to it and parked next to her in the lot. We got a table by the window and she insisted on buying the drinks. There was something different about her, and I realized she was wearing makeup. Nothing too dramatic, but enough to accentuate lips and cheekbones. To make her eyes stand out. I now saw they were hazel, with just a trace of residual blue around the perimeter.

She really was a mine of information. I took notes on my phone. The new school district did some things differently, Paula helped me to understand. She was sweet. I enjoyed spending time with her. It seemed she felt the same.

“It’s so nice to talk to you, Jacob. Not all the dads are so involved.”

She stopped suddenly, her look telling me that she thought she had made an awful faux pas.

“I’m sorry, Jacob. That was thoughtless of me. I…”

She looked at me almost pleadingly.

“It’s OK, Paula. Don’t worry. No offense taken. Anyway, I was always involved. Long before…”

I struggled to say the words.

“…before we moved.”

Her worry turned to sympathy.

“I know I’m a stranger, Jacob. But I can’t imagine what you have both been through. If you ever want to talk, I’ll try to listen.”

Sweet, as I said. I thanked her and said it had been a long time now. I often used that lie. Rapidly changing the subject, I mentioned that Hannah was a swimmer and we talked about that for a bit.

School mostly sorted out, Paula went on to the neighborhood. She mentioned an even better pizza place, and a few other restaurants. Talked about local parks. Suggested good places for groceries. Recommended a family doctor. The sort of stuff you spend months figuring out.

I said it was my turn to buy the coffees. When I returned, I asked her to tell me about herself. Sensing a slight reticence, I quickly added “and the other parents.”

She relaxed visibly. She briefly said she was married, and that Riley was her only daughter. The use of her rather than our, was noticeable. She didn’t mention her husband, but instead moved on to other parents. There was a list that she said she would email me. It had names and contact details. Even photos to help work out who was who. Everything sounded great. Half jokingly, I asked what the catch was. She paused for quite a while before answering.

“Catch…? No catch really. Virtually everyone is lovely. The school is good and Hannah is joining a nice class. It’s just…”

She looked directly at me. I sensed something behind her eyes. I’d been something of a confidant for a few of the moms back in the day. I guess I’m kinda empathetic.

“Well, it’s not a catch. But maybe be a bit careful about Lucia.”

It seemed that she was wrestling with herself. She looked at her hands after imparting this information.

“Lucia? You can’t leave that hanging. What’s the deal with Lucia?”

“Well…”

Again a pause.

“Lucia is lovely as well. She’s a nice person, underneath it all. She can just be a bit full on. She speaks her mind, pretty much regardless of anything. She doesn’t mean to be rude, I’m sure. Still…”

“So she’s the school bitch?”

Paula lifted her eyes and held contact with mine for a second, a rueful smile on her lips.

“I don’t think I’d use that exact expression. But yes. Kinda. Yes.”

“Can’t wait to meet her.”

We both laughed, her tension evaporating.

I changed the subject and we spoke a bit about different children and who got on with who. The usual cliques, even in third grade.

I thanked Paula for her time and the good advice. We agreed that I’d message her with any questions.

“And please come over. I’m not so bad a cook and I’d like to say thank you. Is next Saturday too soon? Riley and your husband are welcome of course.”

Paula said she was free and would be delighted to come. We agreed a time. Driving home I thought, what a nice lady.

–I read through the schedule of parents that Paula had sent me. I studied the photographs as well. Mostly family groups. The next day, when I picked up Hannah, I played a game of trying to match people while I waited. It was exclusively moms. I think I picked out a few. Then Paula arrived, in a rush, which seemed to be her style. Still she made time to bring over three other moms and we chatted until the children were let out. I attempted to commit the names to memory. Paula explained that she’d get to everyone, but didn’t want to overwhelm me. As the boys and girls arrived, I tried to absorb names and relationships.

I must admit that I had been intrigued by Lucia. To be honest, it wasn’t just Paula’s warning I had in mind. Lucia’s photo in the schedule had been a little different to the other parents. It was her and her son, Daniel, on the beach. She was dressed modestly enough, in beach shorts and a baggy pale blue shirt, tied at the waist. But the shirt was unbuttoned and the neon yellow bikini under it was rather striking. She wore it well for a woman who, I assumed, was in her late thirties to mid-forties, like the rest of us. No partner appeared in either the photo, or her details. Just like me.

Hannah arrived, seeming almost bubbly, and with Riley in tow.

“Hi, Dad, I told Riley that we could have a play date. That’s OK, isn’t it?”

It was OK with me, but I scanned the crowd for Paula, who had disappeared after making the introductions. I saw her. A little way off and apparently having a heated exchange.

I recognized the other party. Lucia. Even with more clothes on, she was a striking woman. Italian blood, I guessed. Glossy black hair, falling in waves over her shoulders. Pale skin, with just a touch of olive. It was her lips I noticed most. Full, rosebud lips, accentuated in glossy scarlet. Her eyes were hidden behind the same expensive sunglasses as in her beach photo; though the day was far from sunny. She wasn’t tall, but her heels made her seem more so. Rather than wearing the same amorphous mom clothes as everyone else, she was slinky. A pencil skirt, a white shirt that fitted her curves. The top few buttons undone, framing an obvious cleavage; accentuated by her currently standing hands on hips.

I was happy that my plumbing seemed to be in better shape, but a little self-conscious about a growing bulge. Up for anything again. I was able to smile at the memory, if a little sadly. I tore my eyes away from Lucia and managed to attract Paula’s attention. With a final word to Lucia, she walked over.

“Any problem, Paula?”

“No. Not really.”

She spoke quietly, aware of our daughters close by.

“It’s just Lucia can be impossible sometimes.”

She returned to a normal tone.

“Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m good. Thanks for the introductions. But listen, Hannah wants Riley to come over. That’s fine by me, but does it work for you?”

“Actually, that would be perfect. I have some errands. Shall I pick her up at six?”

“Well I was going to try a delivery from the pizza place you recommended. Does Riley like pizza?”

“Almost as much as dinosaurs. Thank you. Maybe seven then? Do you need a booster for her?”

“No. I have a spare in the back of the Jeep. It’s not my first play-date. So, seven it is. See you then. Come on girls. It’s pizza time.”

The girls seemed to get on great. I did some work, my window open. The sound of their laughter and shrieks filtered in from the back yard. After a while, I ordered pizzas. Before long, Paula was there, promising to reciprocate soon.

I said Riley had been lovely and that she was welcome anytime. Paula kissed me on the cheek as she said goodbye. Seemingly impulsively, as she then turned bright red and left in a hurry.

–Thursday passed uneventfully. Paula made some more introductions before and after school. I went into the office for the first time and everyone seemed friendly and welcoming. I got back in plenty of time for school finishing. I felt like my plan was working out.

Friday a few more moms in the morning, still no Lucia. Maybe Paula was protecting me. Then I wanted to get some ingredients for the dinner party on Saturday. Paula had suggested the best place to buy fish and the range and quality did seem really good. With a filleted salmon in my cooler, I went to our regular grocery store for the other stuff I needed. Then I saw her.

I think it was the sunglasses that caught my eye first. OK, that’s a lie, it was her ass. Even before I recognized her. She was dressed for jogging and it was hard not to look twice. Her skin-tight leggings saw to that. She had a sprinter’s ass. Toned, but powerful. And amazingly pert for a woman of her age. Raising my eyes, the rear of her tiny sports bra didn’t cover a lot of her back, which looked lightly muscular. As she turned the sunglasses did lead to recognition. I waved awkwardly and she strode over. Her mid-sized breasts jiggling a little despite the support. She flipped up her glasses and I was struck by clear sapphire eyes, the last thing I was expecting given her general coloration. My God, she had Nicky’s eyes.

“It’s Jacob, right? I don’t think Paula was ever going to introduce us, so nice to run into you. How is your daughter settling? It’s Hannah, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Jacob. Hannah’s dad. She’s doing fine, thanks. Your son is Daniel, isn’t he? And it’s Lucia, I think.”

“That’s me. I’m sure Paula told you all about me.”

Her tone was slightly sarcastic, but I didn’t comment. Whatever bad blood there might be between her and Paula was none of my business.

“Going for a run?”

It was lame, but she smiled.

“Gym today. On my way there. But I’m doing some trail running Sunday. Want to join me?”

She was surprisingly direct. Nicole had been like that.

“Sounds lovely. But I have Hannah.”

“That’s OK. Dan does a swim class. Someone said Hannah was a swimmer, I heard a good one. I leave him there and hit the hills for an hour.”

It did sound like something Hannah would like. I loved running and spending some time with Lucia sounded kinda fun. I told myself I was just being friendly when I agreed, subject to Hannah’s approval. I let her get to the gym and got on with my shopping; the image of her Lycra-clad butt still in my mind.

Of course anything to do with water would be an easy sell. I knew that Hannah would love to go. I made a call and agreed that she could do one class to see if she liked it. A bit more work and it was pick up.

Friday afternoon was ice cream time and we went back to the same place as on Hannah’s first day. Paula and Riley were already there, queuing to place their order. We got a table for four and it was nice. Less daddy-daughter chatting and a lot more about whether or not T. rex had feathers, but that was OK. After a few “see you tomorrows” we headed our separate ways.

Hannah had had a big week and fell asleep next to me on the couch before we had got that far into Moana (for the fourth time). I carried her to bed.

Later, latching my door, I picked up my iPad. Ava was on-line. But I found myself searching for black-haired girls with blue eyes. Unsurprisingly, the choice was limited, but one was close enough. I told Roxie that her name was Lucia for the next twenty minutes. Thankfully, this time, Hannah slept through our “chat.”

–I didn’t feel great about myself the next morning. Along with my normal, Nicky-related guilt, part of me felt I had let Paula down. Paula, who was the closest thing I had to a friend in town. Well, I guess I had an opportunity to make it up to her. BBQ salmon on a maple plank was my specialty.

Hannah was having a lie in. I thought she probably needed it. I used the opportunity to make all of the necessary preparations for later. When she came down, I was sipping coffee and feeling pretty pleased with myself.

“Hi, Dad. I just wanted to say. Can you please not do or say anything embarrassing when Riley’s mom is here? You know how you get.”

No longer feeling quite so much like Super Dad, I promised my daughter that I would be good.

We had the middle of the day free and I asked what she wanted to do. It was sunny and still warm, though it was beginning to feel like fall was coming soon. But what did she want to do? Arts and crafts. As always. I pulled out my big box and she found a purse she could decorate with beads. We sat together and I helped when she needed it. A father and daughter just enjoying each other’s company.

I had fired up the grill and got everything else ready when Paula and Riley arrived. Her husband sent his apologies, an unexpectedly complicated legal case apparently. I got Paula a glass of wine and Riley an OJ, though she had disappeared off somewhere with Hannah when I returned bearing a tray. I clinked my beer bottle with Paula’s glass and told her she looked nice. She blushed again. I had intended no more than an innocent compliment, but maybe it meant something else to her.

It was no more than the truth. Paula was wearing a high waisted, mid-length, light blue dress dotted with faded white patches. It buttoned up the front, the top four left strategically unfastened. As she walked, it floated round her. The style suited her; revealing a previously hidden figure and surprisingly shapely legs. She didn’t possess Lucia’s raw sexuality — I felt bad comparing the two women — but I now saw that she was pretty enough in a woman-next-door way.

I busied myself with the grill. Making sure to refresh her glass. Chatting as parents do about their kids. Part complaining, part proud. I told her how much I appreciated her help, and her friendship. The latter seemed to land with her.

“A friend? Yes, that’s what I need.”

She laughed to herself.

“Sorry, Paula, did I say something wrong?”

She looked down and then up at the sky, inhaling deeply.

“No. Nothing wrong. It’s me that’s wrong.”

She seemed on the verge of some confession, when Riley and Hannah ran up, asking if food was ready. I told them five minutes and, if they’d like to take their seats, I would serve them shortly. Riley dragged her mother up from the garden seat she had been occupying and pulled her inside. She looked back over her shoulder at me as she walked. I couldn’t tell what her expression meant.

The meal went well. I got the flavors just right, soy sauce blending with garlic, chili, ginger and sugar. Compliments were paid to the chef. It seemed to me that Paula was a drinker. She got through the bottle of wine herself, while I nursed two beers, bearing in mind my trail run the next day.

When it was time for eight year olds to go to bed, she said her goodbyes. I asked if I should get her an Uber, but she insisted both that she was OK and that her husband had friends in the Police Department. I didn’t like to argue, but made her promise to message me as soon as she got home.

With assurances exchanged, she put Riley into her seat. As Hannah leaned in to say “see you Monday” to her friend, Paula kissed me full on the lips. She turned on her heel, smiled and drove off. Leaving me more than a little confused and concerned.

I put my arm round Hannah.

“Want to help me tidy up?”

“Not really, Dad, but if you insist.”

I did insist, but there was not much to do and soon we were on the couch, finishing watching Moana. Paula messaged me to say that she had got home and added a sorry. In my reply, I said that everything was OK. I went to bed early, but lay awake thinking about both Paula and Lucia.

–Next morning, I was woken by Hannah, already dressed and with her swim goggles on. Yes, she was that keen. We still had some time, so I made waffles, figuring she had enough time to digest them some. I got changed and we still had forty minutes to lounge around before we hit the road.

The pool wasn’t too far. Out of town and on the way to the foothills of the mountains. I parked and saw Lucia walking to the center with her son. She stopped when I lowered the window and hollered. Great, Jacob, way to play it cool. She still smiled.

As the two of us got out of the car, I saw that Lucia had swapped her regular sunglasses for some equally expensive-looking Oakleys, her hair scraped back in a ponytail. She looked every inch the athlete, from her running shoes to orange shorts and a fitted black T. She had an athlete’s legs as well, I have a thing for the calf muscles of women runners. In her hand she held a hydration pack. Damn! I had forgotten mine.

Hannah and Daniel said “hi” and we walked them in together.

“Do they sell water here, I was stupid and forgot my CamelBack?”

“Sure, but it will be a pain to carry. You can share mine. It’s got a more than big enough capacity. It’s only a short run.”

I guess sharing a hydration pack is one way to get to know someone.

While Hannah changed, I shook hands with the swim coach, who seemed friendly. I explained a bit about the distances she had swum and he appeared impressed. There were a couple of other moms from the school, ones that Paula had introduced me to. And Lucia pointed out another dad. I guess going for a quick run would not be so bad. Hannah had literally dove in and was doing laps backstroke.

At the edge of the parking lot, there was a gate that led into some scrub, a trail working its way between the bushes.

“So we’re aiming for that hill, see? It’s just two miles to the summit and not too steep, I’m being kind to you.”

With that she tapped her watch and was off. Wow! She could move. I wasn’t so bad myself, but catching up with her took a bit out of me. I ended up falling back again. When I reached the top of the hill, Lucia was sitting on a low flat boulder, grinning from ear to ear.

“I win. We need to work out a wager system.”

Sure she spoke her mind. Competitive, obviously. But I wasn’t getting a bitch vibe off of her. Then sometimes women were different to other women. I stood, hands on hips, panting for a while. Then she unclipped the tube of her pack and held it out to me.

“You sure, it’s OK?”

“You don’t seem too contagious, and I’ve not detected bad breath. I’ll take a risk.”

I took the plastic tube. It was quite short and I had to lean in close to put the valve in my mouth, biting it to release a stream of water. I guess I had expected Lucia to turn her head, but she kept looking at my face, maybe no more than six inches away from hers. I was caught between feeling aroused and uncomfortable. Lucia seemed to think it funny. She was doing a bad job of suppressing laughter. Still, I was pretty thirsty and needed the drink. She giggled.

“Would you feel better if you brought your own pack next week?”

I laughed and replied, “maybe”, with a sheepish grin.

“So, I passed the test then? There will be a next week?”

“Not yet. Let’s see how you do on the way back.”

She leapt up and hurled herself down the trail, leaving me scrambling to even keep her in sight. When I caught up with her, back by the cars, she had taken off her pack and held it up to me. I smiled, but part of me was a little disappointed.

“I have enough people talking about me as it is. Probably more so after making you my running buddy. Perhaps us having our heads glued together in public is a little too much.”

She was probably right, of course. It had been pretty intimate on the summit.

“But why…? Why do they talk about you?”

She glanced at her wrist.

“No time now. They’ll be out soon. Maybe next week, if you want to.”

“Oh I want to.”

There again, way too keen.

“OK, it’s a date. Well maybe not a date. But who knows?”

I handed back her reservoir. She smiled broadly and then strode into the center, leaving me in her wake for the third time.

It struck me that I hadn’t thought about Nicole once today. Was that a good or a bad thing? I really wasn’t sure.

–Hannah wanted to sign up for swim class. So it was only natural that I told Lucia I’d join her again next Sunday. The rest of the day passed unremarkably.

Around 8pm, Paula messaged me.

“Are we OK, Jacob?”

“Sure, no problems, we are cool, buddy.”

Maybe the “buddy” was a bit too dismissive. I deleted it before sending.

“❤️❤️❤️”

WTF? Maybe I should have left “buddy” in there. Let’s hope it’s just her way of saying thank you.

From Paula’s demeanor at school the next morning, it seemed that it was. She didn’t seem at all ill-at-ease. She introduced me to two more moms and a dad. Still no Lucia. The persona non grata gave me a grin as she walked past our group, but was circumspect enough to do nothing else. Nothing else except looking back over her shoulder at me as she made for her car, biting on one arm of her sunglasses with her pearly teeth. Sunday couldn’t come quick enough.

Paula told me that there was a coffee morning if I was interested, with a couple more fathers attending. I said sure. Obviously, Lucia wasn’t invited. What on Earth had she done to offend these people? I didn’t have too much in common with the other men. Financial Services guys, more Nicole’s wheelhouse. Then maybe I had spent a lot of time round moms and gone native. I ended up talking to Paula. I was worried it might be awkward, but all seemed fine.

She didn’t mention texts, or kisses. We chatted about this and that. I mentioned Hannah doing swim class, though not my running partner. That seemed inadvisable. I asked if her husband had sorted out the complicated case. She looked at me uncomprehendingly for a few seconds, before saying that yes, he’d managed to resolve the problem. It occurred to me that Paula had secrets.

My own work had become pretty busy. I went into the office both Tuesday and Wednesday. It was nice to call people colleagues, rather than clients. The team took me out to lunch on Tuesday, which was kind of them. I was back at home on Thursday and ran into Paula in the same store I had met Lucia. We both said “hi.”

“Want to have a coffee later, Jacob?”

“That would be nice, but I’m busy today. Tomorrow?”

“OK. But then, how about lunch? The best restaurant in town does a lunch that’s half the price of the evening. And you don’t need to get a sitter.”

I laughed. The concept of a sitter, of doing something other than being a dad, took a bit of getting used to.

“That would be nice. I’m really grateful for how much you and Riley have helped me and Hannah. Let me pay.”

“We’ll split the check. Midday? It’s a date.”

I seemed to keep having dates, that might or might not be dates.

–The next day I got some work done rapidly between drop off and lunch. Paula was waiting outside the restaurant in a long, floral summer dress in pale peach. With the days getting shorter, it was probably one of her last opportunities to wear it this year. I opened the door for her with a mock bow, she curtsied in return and we waited to be seated with smiles on our faces.

She was right about the restaurant. The food was great. Paula said that the wine was too. I stuck to water. We chatted idly, two friendly parents. Nothing more. Then, half way through her third glass of white, Paula abruptly stopped talking mid-sentence. She seemed to have found something interesting to study on the table, though exactly what was unclear. Then she raised her eyes and looked at me.

“So, Jacob. The kiss. I wanted to explain. I should never have done it. The thing is… the thing is I’m going through some stuff. Nothing like what you have, but some stuff. It’s me and Ed.”

I knew her husband’s name, but this was the first time Paula had used it. I knew better than to leap in with questions. Instead I did my best to look sympathetic and just listened.

“I shouldn’t have put you in the middle of it. That’s not what friends do. I guess… I guess I sort of like you. I know… I know, I shouldn’t have said that either.”

I found myself agreeing with her assessment, but simply nodded slightly and let her continue.

“So my bad. I just thought with Hannah and Riley getting along…”

Wow! This was getting serious. I didn’t know what to say and my policy is such circumstances is to say nothing. I adopted what I hoped was an understanding but non-committal smile. That’s a lot to expect of a smile.

“Anyway. That was foolish. Or maybe… maybe premature…?”

Her eyes told me she wanted a sign from me. I wasn’t able to provide one and began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. Still I kept quiet.

“Premature. Right. You see… I don’t think Ed loves me anymore. I think he loves someone else. I know… I know he cheated. I know that.”

There was no way I could maintain my silence, I wasn’t that cold.

“I’m sorry, Paula. Don’t worry about us, we are fine. You didn’t mess up our friendship.”

I was choosing my words carefully, not trying to lead her on.

“I feel so bad for you. Did you want to talk about what happened?”

I sensed that, from the minute I had said “friendship,” Paula had closed up. I guess it had taken a lot to say as much as she had. Maybe she was hoping for more in return. More than I felt I could give. She gathered her things, her main meal unfinished.

“You know what? I have something to do. I’ll take you up on that offer to pay. Gotta go.”

As I mumbled some apologetic reply, she stood and walked out. I looked after her as she got to her car and searched for her keys. She brushed her eyes twice with the sleeve of her dress.

Fuck, Jacob, you handled that well.

I asked for the check, got home and tried to focus on work for an hour or so. Pick up might be a bit stressful.

–I parked by the school, aware of a knot in my stomach. Immediately I saw Paula approaching. She was next to the car before I had time to open the door and now blocked it with her body. Shit, this was going to be bad. I lowered the window apprehensively.

“I’m so sorry, Jacob. That was totally unfair. In threw like three curve balls at you and then stormed out like a temperamental teen when you did nothing wrong. I fucked up.”

I had never heard Paula use an expletive before. It seemed like her tongue struggled with it, like a tricky foreign word.

“Let’s just forget the end of our conversation, please. I’m not myself, I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK, Paula. You didn’t do anything wrong either. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. But your choice, OK?”

“OK, thanks. Listen, I was taking Riley to the movies tomorrow. Some new Pixar thing. Riley wanted me to ask Hannah. I hope I haven’t messed that up.”

Something occurred to her.

“I wasn’t inviting you. I mean please come if you like, but…”

I assured her she had messed nothing up and that Hannah would love to come. I thanked her for the invitation, but said I was behind on work, and that some time to myself on Saturday would be welcome. But that another time, I’d be delighted.

“And you’re not mad with me?”

I told her I was far from mad at her. We hurriedly agreed times and then walked quickly to collect our waiting daughters.

–Saturday was fine. I dropped off Hannah, who was super excited. I even went as far as to pat Paula’s arm when I again told her it was OK. Her husband was not around. The girls had rushed upstairs, something about a new cuddly dinosaur. I used the opportunity to talk quietly to Paula.

“Look. This all got a bit messed up. You’re struggling. I’m struggling. You have been super kind to me and to Hannah. You are an attractive woman, Paula, no denying. But I’m not sure I’m in the right place. Also, I don’t want to complicate things with you and Ed. I think friends makes sense. Is that OK? I’d really hate to lose you as a friend.”

Paula may have, by her own admission, acted a bit like a teen on Friday, but she was a grown-up. She agreed that she needed to work things out with Ed, not seek solace elsewhere. Part of me wanted to hug her, but that didn’t feel like so great an idea.

Driving home, I told myself that it was for the best. I tried to ignore the nagging feeling that there was another factor at work. A factor I was going running with tomorrow.

I got a lot of work done and Paula was fine when I went to collect Hannah. Ed was there and we shook hands in introduction. I try to treat people as I see them, based on how they are with me, and not on gossip or hearsay. Maybe it was Paula talking about his infidelity, but I didn’t form a good impression of Ed. Too smug, too sure of himself, a little slimy maybe. I told myself it wasn’t my business and thanked him as well as Paula for looking after Hannah, saying it was my turn next.

Hannah and I shared a Chinese and both got to bed early. I lay on my back wondering what Lucia would be wearing tomorrow. It was funny, I seemed to be less interested in Internet entertainment in recent days. I hoped that was a good sign.

–The September Sun had clearly decided it didn’t want to let go of Summer just yet. It was warm when I woke and predicted to get warmer. Hannah was up and getting dressed; I did the same. She wanted pancakes and I was chef dad for a bit. Before long we were on the road.

The weather had encouraged Lucia to the minimalist end of the attire spectrum. A sports bra like the one she had worn in the grocery store, but in red, and skin-tight black bike shorts. I tried not to stare at the clear outline of her pudenda; my own shorts began to feel a little tight.

I held up my CamelBack and Lucia smiled. Turning, she showed me her back, with no sign of a pack. Of course this also displayed her toned glutes. She glanced over her shoulder and laughed.

“I guess we will have to share again.”

This was not helping my shorts situation one little bit.

Daniel and Hannah headed in chatting and without a backward glance. Lucia told me that she had selected a slightly more demanding trail. A quarter mile longer to the new summit, and a little rockier. I said I was game. And we were off.

Lucia was both fast and sure-footed. I did my best to stick with her; motivated by the sight of her perfect ass jiggling as she absorbed the undulations of the terrain. We were a mile or so in and I really wasn’t in the shape I had been before… It hit me. Nicky hadn’t been in my thoughts as much. Or at least not in the same way. Suddenly her memory came crashing back. Distracted, I felt my foot slide sideways and my momentum throw me down and forwards, landing on my shoulder as my body twisted.

Dazed. I sat up, my knees pulled to my chest protectively. I didn’t think I’d hit my head, but my shoulder and ankle hurt and one knee was bleeding. I guess I must have screamed or shouted, as I heard gravel being scattered and Lucia was with me. Bending over, asking how I was.

“I’m good. A bit beat up. But I don’t think anything life-threatening.”

“I feel so stupid. I have a small first aid kit in my hydration pack. It’s in the car.”

Despite the situation, I could see she was blushing.

“It’s OK. I’ll live.”

“You didn’t hit your head, did you?”

“No. That’s fine.”

She pushed her sunglasses up onto her head, better to examine me.

“Great. But your knee is bleeding quite a lot. And you have dirt in it. We can’t clean it properly here, but let’s at least flush it a bit.”

She helped me take off my pack. Squeezed the bladder and directed the stream of water onto my knee.

“That looks a bit better, my wounded soldier. But it’s still bleeding. I’m such an idiot.”

An idea crossed her mind.

“We’ll have to use your shirt.”

I nodded. It was already ripped from my fall. I pulled it off, rather slowly given my bruised and grazed shoulder, and handed it to Lucia. She seemed experienced in trying makeshift bandages. Looking up at me she smiled.

“I did a first aid course. Nice pecs by the way.”

Happy with her work, she handed back the CamelBack and came to sit next to me.

“Have a drink. There’s not so much left. Have it all, we aren’t far from the cars and I’ll drink when we get back.”

“Thanks, you’re a great nurse. Sorry to cause all these problems.”

“It’s OK. Shit happens. At least you aren’t badly hurt. Let’s have you rest for a bit, and then we’ll head back.”

Lucia’s bare shoulder was resting against my upper arm and I found the touch of her skin very pleasant. A thought came to my mind. Should I say it or not?

“So your hydration pack is in the car? Why…?”

Lucia drew her knees up and rested her elbows on them, her hands clasped. She looked at the ground and then twisted her head up to look up at me.

“Are you normally this slow, Jacob? I like you. I thought I was making it pretty obvious.”

I was aware of Nicole’s presence. But it was different. It was as loving and caring as she had been in life, but now I could almost hear her spirit whisper, “It’s OK, Jake. It’s OK.”

Overcome with contradictory emotions and shook up by the fall, I spoke falteringly.

“I… I thought maybe. But it’s been a while. You know… since my wife.”

Suddenly I was crying and Lucia moved to crouch between my knees and put her arms round me. I buried my face in her shoulder and she stroked my head. Her touch was comforting, but also something else. I raised my head and looked into her startling, blue eyes. I could see tears gathering in them too.

“I… I like you too, Lucia. I like you a lot. I’ve not felt like this since Nicky passed. But I do now. Can I kiss you?”

She nodded and closed her eyes. Our lips touched, then brushed, then pushed together. Her tongue felt its way to meet mine. Then in unison, we held each other’s cheeks and pressed our faces together, both still crying, but also with passion that was rising.

Then I felt something else. Her hand between my legs. Exploring. Finding my already throbbing cock. Squeezing. Lucia was always direct. The trail was relatively smooth where I had landed, mostly compacted dirt. She knelt and eased me out of the side of my shorts. Fuck, I was hard.

“My condoms are also in the pack, but maybe this will be OK for now.”

She smiled broadly, her face still tear stained, then gripped the root of my cock and bent forward, her mouth open.

I gasped as she enfolded my head. Memories of Nicky doing the same raced through my mind. But again her voice, low and soothing. “It’s OK, honey. I want you to be happy.”

I closed my eyes and let go. Let go of sadness. Let go of guilt. Let go of inhibitions. As Lucia began to slide her lips up and down my shaft, I gave in to the pleasure. Gave in to my desire for this beautiful woman. I placed a hand gently on her head, careful not to dislodge her glasses, and rode with her up and down movement. Soon I gave in to the surging intensity of feelings, focusing inside the head of my cock. Lucia seemed to sense the change and increased her frequency. Throwing my head back, I groaned as my cock pumped and pumped. Releasing my semen into her mouth, but also releasing something emotional, psychological. Letting go completely.

I was panting, eyes closed and felt her slide off of me. I opened my eyes.

“Wow! Just wow! That was so good.”

Lucia was smiling, seemingly pleased with herself, but I realized I had been less than a gentleman.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t ask before… To be honest, you had me caught up in the moment, but I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s OK, Jacob. I liked it too. If there was any problem, I would have stopped. It’s been a while for me as well, and that was lovely.”

We kissed again, softly, lovingly. Then her alarm went off.

“Fuck! The children! I had better go. Are you OK making your own way down? I’d like to help, but I’m late as it is. I’ll take care of Hannah, OK?”

“Go. Just go. Thank you for that. I owe you, right? Hopefully I can pay back my debt soon.”

We both grinned. She kissed me again and was off, gazelle-like and at speed down the trail. I began to hobble after her.

–It took me a while to negotiate my way down. But I had a smile on my face all the way. All the way to the parking lot, that is. As I limped through the gate, I saw Hannah. But instead of Lucia, she was standing with Paula and Riley. Even at some distance, I could feel there was something wrong.

“Hi, Paula. What are you doing here? Thank you for looking after Hannah. What happened to Lucia?”

“Don’t mention that slut’s name.”

“Hannah and Riley, why don’t you go inside and see if they have any goggles. You need some new ones.”

The two girls ran inside.

“Paula, what the fuck? In front of the children? Really?”

“I don’t fucking care. You let me down, fucking that bitch behind my back.”

“Behind your back? I’m not your husband, Paula.”

“I know. I know. Sorry. But you turned me down and now I know why.”

“I turned you down as you are married. Lucia isn’t and neither am I. I don’t know what is going on with you two, but I’m pretty sure none of it is my fault, OK?”

“You are right. It’s just… it’s just Lucia who Ed fell in love with. Apparently, the slut fascinates guys; as you have just demonstrated.”

My head was spinning.

“Demonstrated? What do you mean?”

“OK, I came today as you’d said Hannah had enjoyed class. Riley and her talked about it at school and Riley wanted to try it too. We got here a little late, you know me. I wondered where you were and then I saw Daniel, the poor kid, to have a mother like her. That had me wondering. Then class is finished and you were still nowhere. I end up looking after Hannah and Daniel.”

She paused and seemed to be fighting back tears.

“And then that bitch arrives. Dressed like a stripper. Dressed like the whore she is. And I have to look after her kid, when she’d fucked Ed. I lost it. I told her what I thought of her. I told her everyone in the school knows she’s a home-wrecker, a slut. I told her everyone hates her. I’m sorry, Hannah was there the whole time.”

Now she did start crying.

“And she says… she says that not everyone hates her. That you like her enough to fuck her. I slapped her. I know I shouldn’t have, but she had it coming.”

Paula seemed like she was going to collapse and I took her arm. She fell into me and sobbed on my shoulder. I thought, not so long ago, I had been doing the same with Lucia.

“Listen, Paula. I had no idea. We did have sex, it’s true. Well sort of sex. But I didn’t know… I didn’t know what she had done to you. I wouldn’t have.”

Without raising her head from my shoulder, Paula replied in an accusatory way.

“Sort of sex? She went down on you, didn’t she? You and half the guys in town. She’s on the semen-only diet. Probably how she keeps in shape. Bitch!”

The hatred that Paula clearly had for Lucia thew me. I found myself annoyed at Lucia for not telling me. She knew I was friends with Paula. I thought about what I would have felt about a guy who had slept with Nicole. Not that she would have ever done that to me. But that made me angry. And Nicky’s memory made me angrier still. Her soothing voice? Just my dick talking. And, over all these emotions, I felt sorrow for the woman who was sobbing in my arms. My first friend in town, who had been nothing but lovely to me and Hannah.

I made a decision. I’d been a fool, been played. Maybe Lucia was even trying to get at Paula through me.

“I got it wrong, Paula. But now that I know, she’s history. She’s history, OK? It was one blow job and I had no idea. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She looked up at me, her eyes full of tears and said, “thank you, Jacob.”

And then she kissed me. Not briefly like before, a long kiss. Her tongue probing my mouth. At first guilt and pity stopped me from pulling away. And then more than that. Perhaps I wanted to punish Lucia. Maybe having sex again after so long had opened the floodgates. But I felt desire rushing back. I suddenly knew I wanted Paula, married or not. I pushed her tongue back into her mouth and followed through with my own. I kissed her hard and deep; my arm around her waist, bending her backwards.

I broke from her and whispered in her ear.

“I want to fuck you. My house, tomorrow. After drop off.”

“Yes, Jacob. Yes, I want that too.”

We kissed again, thankful that all the other parents had left. Then went to collect our daughters.

Shortly after getting home, Lucia messaged me:

“Hope your injuries are healing. Get better for next week 🥰”

I blocked her.

“You’re not using me to hurt Paula anymore.”

–I didn’t speak to Paula the next morning, but we exchanged a look that had me start to swell. I couldn’t keep my heart from racing. I didn’t see either Lucia or Daniel. A good thing. I parked two blocks away from school in a side alley. And I waited.

I told myself to be patient, that would take Paula a few minutes to walk the distance. But it was hard to suppress my excitement. Checking my mirrors yet again, I saw her, hiding behind oversized sunglasses. She pulled open the rear door and took the seat next to Hannah’s booster. I had tinted glass at the back and Paula should be invisible from the outside. We had agreed that this was better. Leaving her minivan in my drive was likely to attract attention. I turned and smiled, probably a little nervously. I thought my voice had gone up a register as I spoke to her.

“You OK? Still want to do this?”

She didn’t answer. Instead she pulled up her dress and showed me that what I had taken for black pantyhose was stockings, with the straps of a garter belt holding them up.

“I guess that’s a yes. Let’s get to the house.”

I tried to stick to the speed limit, but my foot felt heavy on the gas pedal. In minutes we were back. Instead of parking in the drive, I opened the garage door and closed it behind us. We took the side door into the kitchen.

Plan A had been the bedroom. But neither of us could wait. She leaned against the kitchen table as I undid the front of her dress and eased it off her shoulders.

“Fuck! Paula.”

She had surprised me in three ways. Her body was amazing. I had had no idea. Her stomach was slightly mottled by stretch marks, but they glistened like a Kintsugi vase, and she was taut and smooth. The thin line of a C-section was just visible below her garter belt, but unobtrusive. That I could see the scar at all was the second surprise. She wore no panties, just a Lacy black bra and stockings. Her unclothed loins revealed the third surprise, her vulva was smooth and hairless. Freshly waxed from the night before, I guessed.

Paula could see my jaw drop and seemed delighted at the reaction. She dropped her bra straps and reached back to unclasp it. As the garment fell to the floor, her breasts sagged, but just a little. The same slightly shiny tracery covered them. Her brown areolae were large and soft, flowing into non-prominent nipples. Given their more than ample size, her age, and pregnancy, Paula’s breasts were close to perfect. I couldn’t help but bury my face between their soft, welcoming warmth.

As I nuzzled her, Paula gripped my T-shirt and pulled it up my chest. I stood and let her take it off me, stepped back and quickly lost my chinos, boxers and socks and was naked and aroused in front of her.

“Do you like what you see, Jacob?”

I nodded mutely.

“Better than that slut, Lucia, aren’t I?”

The question grated. Sowing a small seed of doubt. But lust was now in full control of me. It had been nearly two years and there was literally nothing Paula could say that was going to put me off fucking her. I answered the best way I could manage.

“You’re gorgeous, a Goddess.”

She grabbed my rigid cock and squeezed it hard.

“You said you wanted to fuck me. So fuck me. Fuck me right here. Fuck me hard.”

I bent to retrieve my pants, knowing I had a condom in the back pocket.

“You don’t need that, Jacob. I want to feel your skin.”

At least part of my brain was not consumed with desire and I unwrapped the sheath and eased it down my shaft, smoothing away any bubbles.

“No offense, Paula, I’d just feel more comfortable.”

She smiled, maybe a little disappointed. But then she sat back onto the table, lay down and spread her legs. Foreplay would have been polite, but I sensed she didn’t need it. I grabbed one thigh, positioned my cock at her opening and thrust my hips forward. She took me like butter. Balls-deep with one long thrust.

“Fuck, yes, Jacob. Just like that. All of you. All of you. Now fuck me.”

I did as I was told. It was obvious what she wanted and I gave it to her. Long, hard, deep thrusts. Thumping our bodies together, making her breasts wobble in resonance. She put her hand between her legs and started to rub as I pounded her.

I was glad of the thin layer of latex as it delayed my pleasure a little. But I could feel the tingling starting and spreading and deepening to throbbing. I eased my pace slightly. Understanding why, Paula began to rub her clit harder.

“Just a little more, Jacob. Hold on for me. Just a little more. Then fuck me as hard as you can.”

She began to breathe deeply, to moan softly. Her fingers became a blur. She squeezed one of her soft mounds of flesh. I saw her chest and breasts begin to flush red.

“Now, Jacob. Now. As hard and fast as you like. I’m…”

Her voice became a wail as I fucked her harder than I had fucked any woman before.

“Yes. Yes. Jacob. Yesssssss.”

I had been so focused on her orgasm, that I realized I had some work to do. Having held myself deep inside Paula as she came, I started to fuck her again.

“No. Jacob. I can’t take any more. But let me.”

She slid off the table and onto the floor, kneeling in front of me.

“I don’t like the taste of condom, so we have to do something about that. But we can still have some fun.”

She grabbed my cock and started to jerk it. To jerk it fast.

“That’s a good boy, Jacob. I know you want to cum. Do you want to cum all over my face and titties. Just imagine you pearly cum dripping down between my breasts.”

A fourth surprise, Paula had a potty mouth. She kept up her verbal and manual encouragement and both were starting to work. I tensed my glutes, bit hard and roared as my cock spasmed, sending arcs of sticky, translucent cum to hit Paula’s face and drip down her body. She lifted a breast to her mouth and licked a line of semen off of it. Then rubbed the rest into her flesh as I watched transfixed, my cock still twitching with aftershocks.

“See Jacob, I can be a bigger whore than that bitch. I’m a nasty girl you can do anything with.”

Again a sliver of concern stabbed my brain. But I was too preoccupied in recovering from my intense orgasm to pay too much heed to it.

Paula kissed the tip of my cock and stood. Her face still painted white.

“Let’s have a shower and then I’ll show you not it’s not just Lucia who has great oral technique.”

I nodded and followed her up the stairs.

–The inevitable happened the next morning. Lucia seemed to have been looking for me. As I walked back to the Jeep, she grabbed my arm.

“Jacob. Can we talk?”

She was looking around as if she expected someone to leap out and intervene in our conversation.

I was unsure, but asked her to get in to the car for a second.

“OK, Jacob, what’s going on? I thought we were getting on great and now you won’t return my messages or calls.”

Shit! This was going to be hard. I decided that honesty was the best policy.

“Paula told me about you and Ed. Now it’s really none of my business. But Paula is my friend and she’s pretty upset. And you could have maybe, like given me a heads up, or something. And I don’t like games, I don’t like being used as a pawn in someone else’s game.”

Lucia stared straight ahead through the windshield, saying nothing. Then she bit her lip and nodded three times.

“You too? I thought you were different. But they’ve got their claws in you too. Well fuck you for letting them. And fuck you for convicting me without a trial. You can go to hell.”

She got out and slammed the door shut with such force the entire car vibrated. She walked off, shaking her head, never turning back once.

So much for honesty. Still it was probably for the best. My thoughts turned to a happier subject. I drove off, parked in the alley and waited for Paula.

–Having broken my rule about getting involved in other people’s marriages, it was, in some ways, easy with Paula. We went from a few times a week, to fucking pretty much every school day; at least when I didn’t have to be in the office. Sexually, she was a revelation, doing anything to please. Nicole had always hated the idea of anal. Paula suggested it and seemed to love it. We both got tested and shared the results. That meant she got her way and no more condoms. On the minus side, that meant I came quicker. On the plus, it meant her taking my cock in her mouth fresh from cumming in her pussy or ass. Paula seemed so much more experienced than me and possessed an almost unlimited amount of lingerie and play-wear with which to tease me. It was sex like I had never had before.

And yet. There were shadows. Some in me, some in her. I didn’t understand myself. Having an affair with a married woman was not me. Or at least not the me I wanted to be. I thought about Hannah. I thought about Nicole. Would either be proud of me? But I found reasons not to listen to those thoughts. I created justifications. I was helping my friend whose marriage was a train wreck. I was punishing her husband’s infidelity. I was punishing Lucia for lying to me. But what was the punishment? To do exactly what they had done? I knew that part of the attraction was simply the thrill of fucking another man’s wife. I knew I was addicted to Paula and that this wasn’t good. But, like any addict, I found stories to tell myself.

As for her. The continual comparisons with Lucia went from warning signs to alarm bells. She seemed obsessed with the woman. Seemed to define herself in opposition to her. I had thought that Lucia had fucked me to get at Paula. I now wondered if I had that the right way round. Paula and I clearly both had issues. The sex was great, but it was just sex, and didn’t seem to bring either of us much happiness. There had been more tenderness in one blow job from Lucia than in all of the gymnastics that Paula and I increasingly resorted to, in an effort to keep the flame alive.

And I thought about Lucia. I thought about how I had treated her. I thought about how I had picked a side. That didn’t feel like me either. Hannah was still friendly with Daniel. They chatted at school or swim club. Riley seemed the same, much to her mother’s disappointment. Maybe the kids were behaving more like adults. Whenever I saw Lucia, she blanked me. I tried to talk to her a few times, but she simply stared at me and then silently walked away. I knew I had hurt her. Increasingly, I didn’t understand why.

And then the yellowjacket.

–Paula, Riley and Ed were away for the weekend. A wedding on the West Coast. I took Hannah to swim club as normal. It was early October and becoming cooler. The time when yellowjacket colonies are at peak size, just as their food begins to disappear. The time when they start to aggressively look for alternatives.

I’d given in to Hannah and bought her a popsicle at the center store. They weren’t good for her, but I figured every now and then would do no harm. We walked back to the car and leaned against it while she finished her treat. From experience, I didn’t want to have to clean up a sticky mess inside. Then there had been a buzzing. It wouldn’t go away. Hannah wanted to get in the car, but I told her to finish the ice first. It buzzed by her ear and she screamed. Dropping her popsicle, she started to swat the insect. I told her to calm down and that it would go away. Then she screamed louder; much louder.

It had landed on one of the car windows and I flattened it with a swipe of my hand. I cuddled my crying and screaming daughter and told her it would be OK. She calmed a little, saying it still stung badly. I said we’d get her home. And then she started to shake. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed, her body convulsing. It was every parents’ nightmare. I was no medic, but I could recognize anaphylaxis. The center was now closed. I calculated how long it would take to get to the ER. Too long.

And then there was a thudding of running feet and she was there. Crouching beside us, tearing off her back pack, pulling out an EpiPen, plunging it into Hannah. We bundled her into the Jeep, Lucia stayed in the back with Hannah, who was drifting in and out of consciousness. We were at the ER in twenty minutes. Lucia had called ahead and a team met us with a gurney. They took Hannah and a nurse said that my wife and I could wait in a room. I didn’t bother to correct her.

We sat together. I realized I was shaking uncontrollably. Lucia took my hand and squeezed it. I bent forward and sobbing overwhelmed me.

“She’ll be OK. I’m sure she’ll be OK, Jacob. We got here quick.”

“Yeah. But it wouldn’t have mattered if not for you. Thank you. Thank you for giving her a chance.”

Lucia said nothing, but continued to hold my hand.

We waited.

–It wasn’t more than twenty minutes. But the clock seemed to have frozen.

I was glad to have Lucia, glad that she was a better person than me. But, beyond this, I didn’t have emotional bandwidth for anything except Hannah. I blamed myself, of course. If I wasn’t so worried about my crappy car seats, she would be at home watching Disney+ and asking for snacks. I had my priorities fucked up. But even this self-blame didn’t have much room in my thoughts. Those were 99% desperate, vomit-inducing worry. I was terrified. Terrified of never hearing Hannah’s voice again. Never seeing her smile. Never feeling her arms round me. My only anchor was Lucia’s hand and she didn’t shift even once from my side.

A doctor appeared and she seemed relaxed; I hoped for the best.

“She’s fine. We have stabilized her. We will want to keep her here for a few hours to make sure there is no recurrence. But then you can take her home. Would you like to see her now Mr. and Mrs. Hall?”

The relief felt like a tide surging through me. I held my head in my hands and cried. Then I heard Lucia begin to speak.

“Thank you, Doctor. If you give Jacob a moment, I’m sure he’ll want to see Hannah.”

I turned to her.

“Come with me. Please.”

Then, even in my debilitated state, a thought occurred.

“But Daniel, don’t you…?”

“Daniel is with my mom, I message her in the car. It’s fine. Did you want…?”

I nodded at her through my tears and she helped me to stand. Held my arm as we walked to Hannah’s room.

Hannah looked drawn and had an IV in her arm. But smiled as we entered.

“Hi, Dad. Hi Mrs. Esposito. Sorry to scare you.”

I sat next to Hannah and held her hand. Lucia put her hand on my shoulder as I sat by my little girl’s side.

A nurse came in and checked the IV machine.

“Just five minutes please. We need to do some more tests and then I think Hannah needs to rest. You can wait for her back in the other room.”

I didn’t say too much, just that I loved my daughter and that she could have whatever treat she wanted when we got home. The five minutes passed quickly and we were asked to leave.

Back in the room, I collapsed into a seat.

“You OK, Jacob?”

“Not really, but I will be. Thanks to you. You saved Hannah’s life. And I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you. I’m so grateful and I’m so sorry.”

“You’d have done the same for Daniel, I’m sure. If you were a competent first aider, anyway.”

Despite everything, I burst into laughter.

“Competency isn’t really my thing, Lucia.”

“Don’t be hard on yourself, you’re a man. It’s harder for you guys.”

I laughed harder.

“But seriously, Lucia. I’ve felt bad pretty much since our last conversation. I totally get you don’t want to talk to me. And thank you for putting that to one side today. But I would like to talk. I’d like to apologize properly at the very least.”

“Jacob, you have other stuff to worry about right now. You didn’t do anything that awful, just listened to Paula. And she can be pretty convincing, as I know to my cost.”

She smiled ruefully, but not bitterly.

“Look after your daughter now. I need to go look after my son. But, I meant what I said about liking you. Even now. If you want to talk, message me in the week, OK?”

“OK, thanks. You said I’d convicted you without a trial, that’s fair. It was a shitty thing to do. If you can give me another chance, I’d like to hear your side of the story.”

“OK. But worry about Hannah now. I’ve gotta go. Will you be OK?”

“Yeah. I’m fine now. Thank you again. Is it OK to…?”

I held out my arms and she embraced me. A short hug and then she was gone.

–The medics had said it was fine for Hannah to go straight back to school. I had wanted to keep her home, but Hannah insisted. I watched her walk into the building, a back pack slung over her shoulder. A back pack containing an EpiPen. Her head containing the knowledge of how to use it. The hospital had showed us both what to do. They’d sent an email to the school as well.

It seemed that news of what happened had got around. Several parents asked me how Hannah was. I said fine and made sure to credit Lucia’s life-saving intervention. Paula wasn’t there, she wouldn’t be back until Wednesday. I didn’t see Lucia either. But, as I drove off, I thought I glimpsed Daniel.

When I got home, I messaged Lucia. Thanking her again and asking if she was OK to talk. She said she was busy today but would meet me in the park after drop off on Tuesday.

Sitting on a bench under a tree the next morning, I didn’t really know what to expect. Then I saw her. She didn’t normally do loose clothing, but today she had baggy white linen pants on, topped by an oversized red sweat shirt. She was carrying a water bottle.

Lucia came and sat next to me. After exchanging greetings, she stared ahead and said nothing for a while. Seemingly collecting her thoughts. When she did speak, it was with her head down, addressing the grass rather than me. She spoke softly and evenly, but there was an underlying tremor to her tone, as if she was not fully in control of her emotions.

“So, first of all, I don’t want you to think I’m this wronged woman. At least not in the way you might think. This is not going to be a pretty story and you won’t enjoy hearing it. I’m not the heroine, tragic or otherwise, got it?”

I didn’t say anything, but put my hand on hers. It wasn’t a planned thing, I just found myself doing it. Lucia continued to stare at the ground, but she didn’t move her hand away from mine.

“Well, Paula isn’t lying, not entirely. But neither is she telling the truth. Not the whole truth.”

She stopped. Taking several deep breaths before continuing.

“I did have sex with Paula’s husband. I had sex with him more than once. But the piece she left out is…”

Again she stopped, as if she had to will herself to continue.

“What she left out is that she was there for all but one of the times. So was my ex-husband.”

I could feel her body tense. Her hand under mine gripped the bench tightly. It was as if she was expecting some blow. I tried to make my voice as gentle as possible.

“It’s OK, Lucia. Keep going. If you can, if you want to.”

I squeezed her hand, acutely aware that I was mirroring how she had looked after me just two days ago.

She sniffed slightly and then plunged on.

“It wasn’t just Ed and Paula. My ex-husband, Lee is his name, him and Ed had this sort of club thing going on.”

Again she paused.

“Do you know what sharing is? I don’t mean normal sharing. Sharing in the context of a marriage.”

I said I had no idea.

“Well, it’s when a husband lets, no not lets, encourages, other men to fuck his wife. To fuck her with him, or with him watching. Lee shared me. Ed shared Paula.”

She stopped again. Maybe she wanted some reassurance that I wasn’t about to run away

“Lucia. I can tell this isn’t easy. But it’s OK. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone, ever.”

For the first time she raised her head and looked at me. I could see tears in her eyes and their tracks down her cheeks. She twisted to pat my hand, which was covering hers, but then resumed her earlier position.

“I should start from the beginning. I met Lee when I was twenty-two. He worked at my dad’s law firm. He was eighteen years older than me. I had this stupid crush on him and… well what it got me was pregnant. My dad, God rest his soul, used to be a man of influence round here. When he found out, he insisted that Lee marry me. I guess that’s what he thought was best, though it didn’t really work out that way for me.”

“Lee had been married and divorced already. He married me as he didn’t want my dad as an enemy. I had Daniel five months after the ceremony. I was twenty-three.”

Lucia must have picked up on something in my breathing as again she looked at me. I’m thirty-one, didn’t you know? I told her I didn’t and she now stared into the distance.

“Well anyway. My poor dad died two years after his grandson was born. Mom has never quite gotten over it. I guess that made Lee feel he was free to do what he wanted. What he wanted was to share me. Just like he had his first wife.”

She took a sip of water from her bottle.

“I was pretty impressionable, I guess. I’d just lost my dad, who I adored, and I didn’t want to lose my husband, especially with Daniel only a rug rat. So… so I went along with it.”

Again she paused.

“I don’t want you to think it was duress. He asked, I agreed. I didn’t even hate it. Not at first anyway. Lee had been my first lover. I guess I felt I was making up for experiences I had missed out on.”

She slightly choked and sobbed to herself a little. Without any conscious thought, I moved closer and put an arm around her shoulder.

“But it got old quickly. Lee fucked other women too. In front of me. And I could see that he got more excited with them than he ever did when he fucked me. Not that he fucked me much, not anymore.”

She looked up to the heavens and then down to the floor again.

“Then we met up with Ed and Paula. I knew them both already. I was pretty friendly with Paula. It felt like an extension of that at first.”

She gave a deep sigh and took a little water again.

“Ed runs a law firm too. A bigger one than my dad’s. Lee wanted to join it as a partner. It seemed that Ed had a bit of an obsession for me. And Lee used that. Ed and Paula became a regular thing. In think Paula picked up on what was going on and it became a little frosty between us.”

Lucia closed her eyes and refocused her energy on the story.

“So, then Ed asks to meet with me one on one. Lee is all for it. I suppose I was a bit suspicious. But Lee said that Paula was OK, and that it was important for his career, important to secure Daniel’s future. So I went. I went to this hotel.”

She looked at me again.

“You must think I’m this awful person. I sicken myself, God knows what you think.”

“Lucia, it’s OK, what I feel is sad. And that you really need to finish this story. Not for me, but for you. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m listening.”

For the first time that morning, Lucia smiled, albeit weakly.

“So, we had been fooling around, I’m partly undressed. And I say to Ed that I’m glad Paula is OK with this. He laughs and can’t stop laughing. He says Paula is a jealous bitch and wants him to stop fucking me. But that no whore is going to tell him what to do.”

I sensed that Lucia was struggling to put events into words. That she was fighting some inner demon.

“So, I’m horrified. Paula has been distant recently, but she’s still my friend. I tell Ed that I’m going to leave. He threatens to tell his partners not to hire Lee. I tell him to fuck his job. Then he changes. I… I don’t think I can go on. Just give me a minute.”

Lucia rocked back and forth, hugging herself; tears streaming down her face. Then she seemed to find strength from somewhere. Her voice was leaden, almost robotic, as she spoke.

“He changes. He slaps me. He tells me I’m not going anywhere. He hits me again, harder, and I sort of shut down. I don’t want this, but I stop fighting. My mind goes somewhere else. I’ve been told it’s a defense mechanism, disassociation or something. So he takes what he wants. He takes me. And… and I don’t stop him. I just freeze. And I stay frozen until he has finished with me and dressed and left. Then I dress myself and somehow drive home.”

She closed her eyes and was wracked by sobbing for a few seconds.

“And I tell Lee. And all he cares about is the job. He slaps me too for insulting Ed. Now I cry, now I break down. He tells me that I disgust him. That we are over. He leaves, I don’t know where he went.”

“I have no idea what to do, so I call Paula. I call my friend. And she calls me a liar and a slut, and accuses me of trying to seduce her husband.”

I held her closer as, again, her shoulders heaved.

“And I get a bottle. Two bottles, one of vodka, one of Tylenol. And I open both and take a swig of the vodka. I pour out a handful of pills and look at them. Then I hear Daniel crying. I put the pills back in the bottle and close it up. I go to my child and hold him, and hold him. I know I can’t leave him. But I know I can’t go on like this.”

She steadied herself and now spoke more clearly.

“I call the cops. I tell them everything. About the rape, about the group sex sessions, about rumors I had heard about other girls… younger girls.”

“Younger girls? You mean…?”

“Yes, Jacob, that’s what I mean. So they take it seriously. They investigate. Nothing sticks to Ed. It’s my word against his and he says it was consensual. He plays golf with the District Attorney. He donated to the Governor’s campaign. You have heard this story before.”

Lucia slammed her other hand on the bench. Yelled an expletive. Then, calming down, girded herself to continue.

“But with Lee, they found a girl. A girl who was wiling to talk. A girl who might still have been seventeen the first time. So there is going to be a trial. Only then there wasn’t. She retracts. I don’t know why. Money? Threats? Maybe it was just too much for her. So Lee is off the hook. But not really. His name is mud. Ed keeps his reputation, but the underage thing sticks to Lee. He knows he is done round here. We had already separated. Now he fled. He served papers on me from California. Last I heard he was with a twenty-something stripper.”

Lucia sat up. Her voice was now stronger.

“So I got the house. Lee didn’t try to contest Daniel, so I got the only thing I really wanted. So far, so good. But Ed and Paula got their story straight. It wasn’t a nice story. I was the wife of a pedophile, maybe I was the reason he was a pedophile. I’d seduced Ed. Ed the good man. I wanted to break up their marriage. I hope it was mostly Ed’s ideas, but Paula certainly went along with it.”

Seemingly out of emotional energy, Lucia fell silent.

I had so many questions, maybe it wasn’t the most important one, but it slipped out first.

“Why the fuck did you stay? Why not sell the house and start again? Somewhere away from the memories. Somewhere where you weren’t known.”

“There was mom. There was no way she was moving and she needed me. I had my work, you’ve never asked me what I do. I run a small interior design consultancy, I employ people. They depend on me for their livelihood. I didn’t want to either let them down or to start again. My existing clients knew me and, unlike most people, few of them believed the rumors that Ed and Paula circulated. And Daniel had lost his grandfather and then his father. I didn’t want to uproot him. Plus I’m a stubborn bitch and I wasn’t going to let anyone run me out of town.”

I don’t know what I had expected. Maybe that Paula had made up things about Lucia out of jealousy. In a way, I guess she had. Lucia’s tale of duplicity and betrayal and assault and character assassination seemed incredible, maybe even melodramatic. But it explained so much. I had one overarching feeling and tried to clumsily put it into words.

“Lucia, I am so sorry for all the shit you have been through. I don’t know how you can stand it. I don’t know how you function with the weight of all that pressing down on you. But you do. I’ve seen you with Daniel and you are a good mother. I see every day the way people treat you and how little you let it affect how you behave. You put up with the lies this community believes about you and you are still kind and funny. I owe my daughter’s life to you. And you tell me you run a business too. Frankly you’re incredible.”

Lucia stared at me as if in shock. It couldn’t be the quality of my oratory, which was sub-High School Debate Team.

“You are a good person, Lucia. I treated you like dirt, when you had been nothing but friendly and welcoming to me. I treated you like dirt, despite sharing the most perfect intimate moment with you. And yet you still gave me a second chance. Your heart is pure gold, Lucia.”

It was my turn to gather myself.

“And, Lucia, although I’ve done nothing whatsoever that deserves any reciprocation, if anything the opposite, I love you. I don’t love you despite what you have been through. I love you because of what you have been through and how you didn’t let it break you. That you are still a warm and wonderful person.”

I stopped. Thinking I had said way too much, and way too badly. I waited for Lucia to tell me to go to Hell. It was what I deserved.

She digested. She appeared to weigh things up. And then she spoke.

“Jacob, you are a fucking idiot. You know that, right? But you are, at least, an honest fucking idiot. One who owns his mistakes. I see you too. How you are with Hannah. How you try to always put her first, even though the agony in your heart is clearly there for anyone who looks closely enough to see. I see how you are crippled by loss, but still fight every day to be the best father you can for your daughter. And you are kind and funny too. I even sort of get it. You unloaded on me, in part, as you felt bad for Paula. As you thought a friend needed protection. You were wrong, I refer you to my fucking idiot comment, but even then, you were thinking of others. Jacob, you’re clearly suffering. But, just like you said about me, you haven’t let it break you. Maybe there is a way for us to find healing, to find healing together.”

She suddenly laughed.

“Or, the TL: DNR version, you are a fucking idiot, but I’d like you to be my fucking idiot. Of course I love you too, you imbecile. No matter what you have done to try to stop me. I love you too, Jacob.”

I kissed her. I kissed her and felt my sadness, not disappear, but become a thing to be borne, like any other trouble the World sends our way. I kissed her and felt a warmth inside where there had only been coldness for long months. I kissed her and understood that, while I would never stop loving Nicole, I could love again. I could love fiercely, I could love truly, I could be whole again.

We broke. Both tearful. Both smiling.

“So what next, Lucia?”

“You ask me to marry you, you fucking idiot. Then I say “yes”, then we tell Daniel and Hannah at pick up. Is that a plan?”

“It’s a plan. It’s a fucking good plan. It’s probably the best plan ever.”

–THE END–EPILOGUEJacob and I agreed that we had got swept up in the emotion of the moment. We decided that dating was a good first step. But maybe when you have bared your soul to someone, it acts as an accelerant. Hannah and Daniel already had a budding friendship and now saw much more of each other. It was Hannah who one day said to me, “are you going to be my new Mom?”

After just under a month, Jacob and Hannah moved in. I owned the house and they had been renting. My place was bigger as well. It felt right. I loved how Jacob treated Daniel and my son seemed to thrive with having a father figure around. The established trajectory was clear.

One Saturday morning, in mid-March, the house was quiet. Both Hannah and Daniel were still asleep. The only noises were a low, rhythmic squeak from the bed and moans from Jacob, muffled by my hand over his mouth. We had moved Jacob’s bed in and trashed mine as a part of our general furniture consolidation. It was much newer and I liked the firmness of the mattress. There was very little give as I drove Jacob in and out of me. I loved being on top; controlling the pace, controlling the depth. I loved how Jacob looked at me as well.

Trusting him not to scream too loudly, I released his mouth and straightened my body, the angle giving me the depth I wanted. Jacob fit me just so perfectly. I looked at the ceiling fan, stroking my neck, cupping a breast. Then, as I increased my up and down frequency, I reached between my legs and rubbed myself.

Jacob had been focused on my face, which was beginning to contort in growing passion, and my breasts bouncing in resonance with me fucking him. Now he closed his eyes and I saw tension creep into his face.

“Just hold on a few seconds, honey. Just a few seconds.”

I doubled my speed and could feel him start to pulse, driving up to meet my downward strokes. His hands made tight fists and his face contorted. I felt the warm rush of his semen inside me. I clenched, increasing his pleasure, keeping him firm. Just a few more seconds.

The warm gushing abated, but Jacob stayed hard for me. Drenched by his cum, I thumped down on him then raised myself up, then plunged down again, my fingers flying over my clit. My face now tightened, my chest felt warm, the throbbing spread up from my loins, consuming me. I lay back, arched my back and let the waves slam into me, shaking my body, bathing it in pleasure, as I let go physically and vocally.

Collapsing on to my lover, sweaty and panting, I whispered, “I love you, sorry about the noise.” I can now hear stirrings. Both Hannah and Daniel’s rooms were at the opposite end of the floor for strategic reasons. But their voices were audible, their shared laughter.

“It’s your turn to fix breakfast, honey. I’m going to take a shower.”

Climbing off him, I let cum drizzle onto his belly.

“Well that’s really helpful, Lucia!”

Jacob threw a pillow at me. I wet a washcloth in the shower room basin and tossed it back to him.

“I’ll take over in twenty, OK?”

–When I came down, the children were having pancakes and Jacob had made some for me. I got a “hi, Mom” from Daniel, echoed a second layer by Hannah. That always warmed my heart. It wasn’t official, not yet. But Hannah had decided to adopt me and that was that, as far as she was concerned. I drizzled maple syrup and sipped my coffee, thinking about my day. Jacob was taking the children to the State Park with their bikes. I had other plans.

An hour later, I rang the doorbell and Paula answered. I was expected; I didn’t want to just turn up. She asked me to come in and made us coffee. We sat silently, looking at each other. Two women with a shared history.

“Paula, I’m sure you have heard about me and Jacob. So, saying I wanted to tell you myself is probably silly. But I wanted to invite you and Ed and Riley to the wedding. We were friends once, you and me. I know what we have been through, but can we wipe that clean? Hannah misses Riley and Daniel likes her too. Maybe if not for us, then for them, can we figure something out?”

Paula stared at her coffee mug for a few seconds.

“Ed won’t be coming.”

From the way she spoke, I could I tell she wasn’t referring to a business trip.

“Oh, Paula. What happened?”

“What happened is I came to my senses. Or rather I stopped lying to myself. I saw clearly what I had done, what I had become. And I didn’t like it. And for what? To keep together a sham marriage with a rapist, probably a multiple rapist? I really don’t think it was just you.”

A shudder ran through Paula and she bowed her head. Instinctively, I put my hand on hers. She looked up, her eyes moist.

“You just can’t help being sweet to people, can you. It’s fucking annoying actually.”

She smiled and I smiled back. Paula found a tissue and wiped her eyes.

“And the young girls, what they accused Lee of. Do you really think that Ed wasn’t there with him? And I let him be around Riley, what the fuck is wrong with me.”

“Paula, you loved him, we all do stupid shit when we love someone.”

“Maybe, but I’m not you. I think being scared was my main motivation. But I’m not scared any more. He’s gone. I’ve filed papers. I’ve got enough leverage to settle things on my terms. He’s moving state. Joining some corporate legal firm in New York. He can come and see Riley, but she doesn’t stay with him. I’m not risking her safety. Knowing him, the visits will stop soon enough. Probably best for everyone.”

“I’m so sorry, Paula. Can I do anything?”

“You’ve already done it. You and Jacob made me confront the truth. Made me act to look after myself and Riley. I guess I should say thank you.”

Paula wiped away fresh tears.

“And I’m sorry. Sorry for trying to destroy you. Sorry for making you the focus for all my anger and self-loathing. I don’t understand how you can be in the same room as me, let alone invite me to your wedding.”

“Paula, listen to me. We were both victims. Victims of lying manipulative lowlife. I understand. I don’t think there is anything for me to forgive. But, if the words help, I forgive you.”

Paula crumpled in her seat. I went and knelt by her, enfolding her in my arms.

“Ed and Lee hurt both of us. Let’s not give them the satisfaction of us hating each other. Friends?”

Paula clung to me and half sobbed the word.

“Friends.”

–Acknowledgement

Thanks again to my friend, Djmac1031 for his thoughtful and encouraging input to this story.