Crossover #4
“Decker, my man, I’ve got all the time in the world…just tell me.”
He sat there holding his cup. The tea was probably already lukewarm or cold. Holding the cup was the equivalent of him “holding on”, I think.
Decker began, “Lin, I’ve told you some things about me but not a lot. I haven’t lied to you, I just haven’t told you a lot. So, settle in..this may take a while.
“I come from a wealthy family and I mean a WEALTHY family. I’m the only child, my dad is a hard driving, A-Type personality who inherited a family fortune and a family business and built them into a huge fortune and a lot of businesses. I’m not sure I can name them all. Well, from an early age my father has been grooming me to take over the whole shooting match. He’s not ready to retire, not by a long shot, but he wanted to get me in place to take over anyway.
“He sent me to the best schools, from kindergarten on up. I graduated middle of the class from a prestigious prep school and he already had me accepted to attend an even more prestigious university. I’m not sure if it was just plain teenage rebellion or that I really had an inner need to establish my own identity, but I kicked over the traces and enlisted in the Army.
“In the army I was nothing special which, in many ways, was a good thing. Nobody was looking at me as “The Rich Kid”; I had to achieve success on my own just like everyone else. After I was out of basic training and into ATS (Advanced Training School) my commanding officer discovered that I had ROTC experience. He offered me a pass to OCS (Officer Candidate School). I turned it down. I didn’t want to be a big deal in the Army, just a soldier who does his job.
“I did move up in rank, though, and found myself in Special Ops group, tough guys, tough duty, tough places. I did well with this until IT happened. I was on mission to interdict some rebels in a country which I shall not name. There are still some secrecy measures in place, you know. Anyway, the helo got shot down by an RPG, two of my guys were killed outright, and of the twelve remaining, half were injured or wounded..or soon would be.
“The rebels massed for an attack. We knew they weren’t looking for equipment, intel, or hostages; they were looking for blood. We had a call in for “exfil” but the rescue helo was far away and pretty much in the same jeopardy that took us down. My guys that could fight and I fought them off for what seemed like an eternity. It was brutal. One more of my men was killed, and the rest wounded and incapable of fighting. I had some wounds myself but I was able to aim and shoot a gun, so I took over their weapons and fought off the rebels the best I could. I even had to resort to using the aviation fuel from the helo to make “Molotov Cocktails” to keep the attackers at bay. Well, before I was killed, the rescue took place. I was happy to be alive and see my men saved too.
“As things happened, the whole incident got a lot of publicity and I was put forward for a decoration. I got it, and several of my men were recognized too. I insisted on it. I picked up my medal while I was in the hospital recovering from my wounds. One of them was severe enough so that I couldn’t continue in combat or even in the service. I was mustered out with a service connected disability.
“My dad wanted me to come back and work for one of his companies. I chose to come here and enroll in school, do the frat thing, and get through on my own. Where I go from here, who knows? Maybe back to my family but I don’t know.
“What happened last week is something that’s happened before. I suffer from PTSD from my experiences in the Army. I’ve had it since I got discharged a couple of years ago. It is termed “Moderate”, whatever that means…I guess that means that it’s not bad enough to disable be but bad enough to require ongoing care. It’s always there in the background but, for example, when I get over stressed it will trigger an episode. They usually build slowly, I hardly know it’s happing, reaches a peak or a crisis, and then subsides and I’m back to relative normal. Some guys have horrible problems and get caught up in alcohol and drugs, wind up in prison, an institution, or kill themselves. I’m lucky none of THOSE things have happened to me…yet..and I hope they never will.
“What kicked this latest episode off was my father campaigning to get me out of school and back to business with one of his companies. Also in the mix is that my mother is ill, well, she drinks way too much….has done for years…and she’s back in a rehab again. And on top of that, my boss at the insurance agency wants me to put in more hours, essentially full time. He said he’d train me, get me licensed, and move me along. I’m good at what I do there, and I like the guy, but I’m really not ready to give up school.
“So, that is IT, in a big nutshell–NUT being the operative word.”
As I listened to Decker tell his story, some of which I already knew–though I was not about to tell him that, or ever tell him that I knew, I felt my heart pound, and fall, at the same time. Decker was so matter of fact about all of this, not an ounce of self-pity, just a straightforward recitation.
I thought, “Geez! I thought I knew about Decker…you never know…We’ve all got our problems, heaven knows I’ve got my set, but I had no idea Decker was struggling with all of that.!”
I looked at him and said, “DECKER, my sweet boy! I had no idea…no idea whatever that you were going through all that! Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t know what I could done to help but…geez…I could have done something!”
Decker paused, “Lin, I knew you had enough problems of your own. I was just trying to be of help to you, offer at least some support. This sounds trivial, but I knew sex would settle you down sometimes and I rather enjoy oral sex with you so…well…I thought….but…If it helped at all, I’m glad…if it complicated things, I’m sorry. I really do care for you, though.”
“Thank you, Decker…Thank you SO much. Here, let’s get another cup of tea. There’s something I want to share with you and I hope it lightens your load not increases it.”
A couple of fresh cups of tea took only a few minutes. We moved from the table to the couch where we would be more comfortable. Decker sat facing each I one one end and Decker on the other. It’s not a big couch so, we were less than an arm’s length from each other. The cups went on coasters on the coffee table.
I gave Decker an unvarnished recount of my last few weeks. I told him about my exciting lesbian sex-capades Tanya, Tanya and Gladys, and my latest one with June. I may have gone into more detail that I needed but I wanted to give him a flavor of how much fun that was and what it meant to me, especially with June.
And then I shot straight from the shoulder about him and me, “Decker, what set me off last week was not something you said, it was something I heard! You said to me ‘Lin, I love that’ when I finished my hand-job/blow job; what I heard was ‘Lin, I love YOU’. There’s a big difference between those statements.
I knew I had to explain more, so I said, “I think I understand it better now, though it’s not entirely clear, but when you said, ‘I love YOU’ I couldn’t handle it. We’ve talked about some of this: Am I lesbian? Am I bi-sexual? and hetero-sexual with lesbian tendencies? Am I pan sexual? poly-amorous?. All of this was running around in my mind. The bottom line was that I didn’t feel loveable by anyone and that anyone who tried to love me was going to be disappointed and I was going to be disappointed in myself.”
I wasn’t sure I made my point, so I continued, “Think about it, if I were in love with a woman and a man came along, maybe like you came along and I became attracted and attached, my woman would be in a fury to get rid of you and keep me. The converse is true, as well, only you’d probably want nothing to do with me and chase me into the arms of my woman who wouldn’t want me either. Where would that leave me?
It seemed to me Decker’s attention was drifting. I needed to get to the point, “I believe now that I have a solution. Two things clicked with me this past week. First, your analogy of the ice cream cones. I like, no I love, Chocolate, Strawberry, Vanilla, and Cherry ice cream all the same. My favorite is the one that I’m eating at the time. PERFECT! Second, Tanya told me of her marriage to a man who accepts her bi-sexuality, in fact supports it, while Tanya has fallen in love with a woman, a beautiful woman just like Tanya. She can do both because both people love her and accept her and support her. So, my solution is: Rather than be torn by my love of sex with men and women, I should embrace it and follow my heart.
Now was my chance, it was as if I were on a 10meter platform getting ready to dive into a pool when I didn’t know if there was any water in it. I said, “Decker, this is where my heart is now…I hope it is where yours is too…I’ve come to realize in this last week, Decker, that I love you! I LOVE YOU, Decker! I’ve also come to realize that I LOVE my new friend June! Tanya and Gladys already know that I LOVE them!”
I moved closer to Decker on the couch, reached out and put my hand on his shoulder and, gazing into his eyes, said, “Decker, the question now is: Do You Love Me? The next question is: Do You Love Me Enough for me to be in love with my women, whoever they might be?”
Decker look at me with some amazement, and said, “Lin! This all….well…all…a lot for me to digest. I hardly know what to say…and don’t take that as a ‘no’ or a ‘yes’. Let me let it sink in!”
I don’t know why I expected him to respond immediately but I understood that, with all of the other stuff going with him, giving him time was the right thing.
We polished off what was left of our tea and looked at each other. We not only looked tired..we were tired.
Decker suggested first what I was about to suggest, “Let’s sleep on it! Can I stay over?”
I took him by the hand and led him into the bedroom. That answered his question.