SELF-HELP
**********
A few words from the author:
This is nothing new, we’ve all read many, many stories like it. But it popped into my head and wouldn’t go away until I wrote it down. Just about a guy who feels very strongly about fidelity. I tried to lighten it up somewhat, and put a little humor into it. Not sure if I succeeded.
For the record, I have no idea if you can make a phone do what I described. But hey, it’s fiction.
I do appreciate constructive comments. If you think it stinks, that’s fine. But please don’t be rude. Tell me WHY it stinks, so I can fix it.
There’s no explicit sex. But if there were, any characters involved in extra-curricular activities (actual or implied) are over 18.
I am posting this unedited, so please forgive any errors in grammar. I would love to find someone willing to help.
Hope you enjoy it.
**********
My wife Shelley loves self-help books. She would bring them home and read passages aloud to me, and we would argue good-naturedly over the theories the authors were espousing. Occasionally we’d nod our heads and think hey, that might not be a bad idea, sometimes we’d shake our heads in disbelief, but more often we’d laugh and wonder what the hell people were thinking.
We’d been married for about seven years when the I noticed the book subjects becoming more sexual in nature. At first it was great, and we were definitely benefitting from some new and interesting things in the bedroom.
But gradually, the ‘self-help’ topics became less about the two of us, and more about ‘expanding boundaries.’ Or as I interpreted it, ‘taking things outside the marriage’. I began to get very nervous.
Something else happened around that time as well. I should mention that Shelley keeps herself in great shape. She’s a tigress in bed, and she can wear me out when she tries. I’m not a slob, but I have put on 10 pounds since college. Anyway, the other night, she made an offhand comment about my stamina, and Mr. Happy, who was trying his best to get up for round four, wilted pretty damn quickly.
I just said very quietly, “I know I’ve gotten out of shape. Sorry for disappointing you.” And I rolled away from her. I know, my fragile male ego, and she tried to apologize, but I was hurt. She gave up pretty quickly, and just huffed, “Fine, be that way.” And didn’t tell me she loved me before going to sleep.
Things were cool for a few days, but we made up, and things went on pretty much as before.
One morning at breakfast, after she tried to bring up the ‘sexual boundaries’ thing for the third time that week, I’d had about enough.
“Shelley, where is this coming from? Are you asking for us to become swingers? Have a threesome or something?”
“No, I couldn’t do that. I… I just want to experiment a little.”
“I thought that’s what we’ve been doing?”
“Don’t you think learning something new would help make our sex lives better?”
“Not if we’re learning it from someone else!” I stared at her.
“I just think… that last book we read… Debbie said…”
“Debbie?? Three times divorced Debbie?? That’s where you’re getting your advice? For Christ’s sake. And I didn’t read that book, YOU did. I took one look and told you I wanted no part of it.”
“But…”
“And another thing; you keep saying ‘I’. Not ‘we’. What am I supposed to think about that?”
“Well… you know I’ve never slept with anyone but you, but you had all kinds of girlfriends before me.”
“All kinds? What the hell, I had one girlfriend in high school, and two in college. Then you. How is that ‘all kinds’?”
“See? You’ve slept with four people. I’ve only ever slept with you.”
“Oh my God, so now our sex life is a competition??”
“I just think it would be beneficial for us if I got the chance to experience something new. It would be for us, to make things better for us! Why can’t you understand?”
“Because it would NOT make things better for us. It would make things infinitely worse! You know why? Because we wouldn’t have ‘us’ any more. I am NEVER going to be okay with anyone but you and me in our bed. Unless you’re throwing me out. Are you throwing me out, Shelley?”
“No, I love you, I would never do that.”
“So, you expect to go out and screw someone else while I sit here and wait for you, like a good little cuckold? Ain’t fuckin’ happening.”
I could see from her face that she was starting to get riled up. She had that stubborn look that she sometimes gets. I tried to defuse it.
In as calm a tone as I could muster, I said, “Look. I’m sorry I raised my voice. Obviously, this is something that we need to talk about some more. Can we do that later, please? We both have to get to work.”
She looked at her watch. “Oh crap! Ok, Jason, we’ll continue this after dinner.” She ran upstairs, leaving her phone on the table.
Not being someone who wastes an opportunity, I slid it into my pocket.
**********
Fortunately, when she came back downstairs, she was is a rush and forgot it. When I got to work, I went to talk to my friend Lewis, who is one of our IT guys, and a certified electronics genius. He had a certificate on his wall and everything.
“What’s up, Jason?”
“Hey, Lewis. Ummm… I have a favor to ask.”
“Sure, whatcha need?”
I pulled out Shelley’s phone. “Can you clone this for me? Or do something so that I get a copy of all her calls and texts?”
He looked at me, wide-eyed. “You know that’s illegal, right?” Then he laughed out loud. “Bahahaha, I had you going, didn’t I?”
“Very funny, haha. Look dude, it’s Shelley’s. She’s been acting really weird lately. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I also don’t want to get blindsided.”
“Oh man, that sucks. Ok, yeah, I can do it.”
Just then, MY cellphone rang. I looked and it was Shelley calling from her office phone.
“Yeah babe, what’s up?” I would be the loving husband until I had a reason not to be.
“I forgot my fucking phone. Did you see it?”
“Yeah, you left it by the coffee maker. I have it. You want to have lunch and I can give it to you?”
“Sorry, I can’t, we have a working lunch today. Can you just drop it by the front desk?”
“Sure.”
She hung up. No thanks, no kiss my ass, nothing.
I looked at Lewis. “Can you have it done by lunchtime?”
**********
A couple hours later, Lewis brought me Shelley’s phone, and then he took mine and downloaded something. He showed me the new app, and how it worked.
“Basically, you open this and it’s like you’re looking at her phone instead of yours. I also made it so that even if she turns off the location, you can still see where she is. Then with this,” he pointed, “you can activate her voice recorder. Everything she does gets copied to your phone.”
“Thanks man, I owe you.”
“Ehh… buy me a beer and we’re good. Ummm… by the way, if you really want to play ‘I Spy’, I’d recommend a GPS tracker in her car, just in case she does leave her phone again. Maybe in her purse too.” He grinned. “I JUST happen to have a couple.” He handed me something (well, two somethings) that looked a little bit like an electronic key fob.
He continued to rummage in the box he’d brought with him. “Motion-activated mini cams… voice-activated recorders… yeah, this should do the trick.”
“Awesome. Thanks.”
I dropped off her phone, and I saw her car in the parking lot, but figured it was too risky to mess with it here. I’d wait for her to get home.
*********
On the way, picked up a to-go order for Luigi’s. She loved Italian. She was home right on time, and looked at me a little warily as she entered.
“Hi babe, listen. Let’s not fight, okay? Can we just make up for this morning? I love you.” Yeah, I was wimping out big time, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“Oh honey,” she threw her arms around my neck.
**********
That lasted exactly two days. I thought maybe we’d moved past her sudden obsession, but alas. I guess she took my capitulation the other day as acceptance. She came home from the gym and told me, “Jason, I’ve been doing some thinking.”
Oh crap, that’s almost as bad ‘We need to talk.’ I decided to take the offensive.
“I assume you are referring to your little ‘experiment’?”
“Well, yes. I fail to understand why you’re so against this. I promise, I’m only thinking of us.”
“Shelley, you’re thinking of YOU. I thought I made my feelings pretty clear. So, the fact that you continue to press this means you’re clearly NOT thinking about me.”
“Oh now, that’s not true at all,” she said, condescendingly.
I tried a different tack.
“Okay. You want to try something new. For us.”
She nodded, smiling. I think she thought she was going to get her way.
“So, by that argument, you’d be ok with me sleeping with other people too? Because if you’re learning new things, then it would be twice as good for us if I l earned new things too, right?”
By the shocked look on her face, she was not expecting that. “N-no, Jason, that’s not what I meant… Remember we agreed you already had more experience than I…”
“We agreed??? I didn’t agree to shit. And besides, that was so long ago.” I was being overly dramatic, but what the fuck. “I was young and hardly knew what I was doing anyway. I’ve had sex with only you for years. I think I could definitely benefit from someone… err, something new.”
“As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, April has been married twice. I bet she knows some tricks. She’s always liked me, and I feel like I owe it to myself. How would that be? Huh?”
“Why are you being so pig-headed about this?”
I stared at her.
“I’ll have to think about this. But you are NOT fucking my sister.” She stomped off, followed by a slamming door. Guess I was sleeping in the spare bedroom again.
**********
I got up and went to work early the next morning. I didn’t want to deal with her.
That evening, she just went straight to our room. Well, as much time as I’d not been spending in there lately, it was rapidly becoming her room. While she was locked in, I went ahead and bugged her purse and her car. I put one of the mini-cams and recorders in the living room, and then I texted my boss that I’d be late. The next morning, I hid out in the guest room until Shelley left for work, and then I put the other devices in the bedroom, and then got everything synced up to my laptop and ready to go.
Sigh. I’d started down the path, and it was pretty steep. Not sure if I could go back.
**********
That evening, after her workout, she came in and said, “Okay, Jason.”
“Ummm… okay what?”
“I’ve decided that if it will let us move forward, then I will permit you to have your experiment too.”
I about spit my beer across the room. “You’ve decided? You’ll permit me?”
She looked confused. “But… isn’t that what you wanted?”
“NO!!!” I yelled. “I was trying to make a fucking point Shelley, which you obviously missed.”
“But…”
“Okay, I’m going to try one more time to get through to you.”
She started to get huffy again.
“Please listen. Then you can have your turn.”
She crossed her arms and glared at me.
“Okay. Here’s what I know. You’re not a dreamer, Shelley, you’re a planner. For you to have started down this road, you already have something, or someone, in mind. I know you.”
She wouldn’t look at me, and I had my answer.
“And now, you’re so hot for this guy that you’re willing to let me screw someone else, just so you can have him.”
She started to say something, but I held my hand up. “Please, you promised to let me finish.”
She shut up, but her arms were still crossed and now her foot was tap-tap-tapping.
“I know you’re not happy with that, so I can only assume you’re agreeing to it so you can feel justified in your own actions. And this bullshit about you telling me ahead of time, that’s just another way of trying to make it so you don’t have to feel guilty about it.”
“What the fuck, Shelley. Am I not good enough for you? Is this about me being out of shape? I can’t keep up with you and you need more? If that’s it, you could have come to me first, instead of jumping right into cheating on me.”
A guilty look flashed across her face.
“Fantasies are one thing. I’d never give you a hard time about that. But this sounds like a whole lot more. I scared that you have already started planning this. Tell me you haven’t already started something with whoever you’ve got in mind.”
“Well, I had to be sure he’d be okay with it. But I never even touched him, I swear. I told him I had to talk to you first!”
“Goddamn it, Shelley, have you SEEN you? Who wouldn’t want to fuck you? Of course, he’s okay with it!”
She actually smiled. Bitch!
“So, in the space of a few days, we’ve gone from a hypothetical ‘hey, ever wonder what it would be like to have an open marriage,’ to ‘hey, I have this guy I want to fuck and he’s down with it as long as I give you my ‘blessing’?'” I gave the air quotes. “That about cover it?”
Now she looked uncomfortable.
“Shelley, I almost wish you hadn’t said anything. I almost wish you’d just gone out and done it, and I could just be blissfully unaware. At least I’d still have my marriage.”
I scrubbed at my face with both hands. “But you did tell me. So, you want my answer? Here it is, for the record: I will never, ever, be okay with you fucking anyone else. And I’m warning you, if you do it anyway, we are done. Shit, we might already be done.”
I got up and left the room.
She started getting pissed. “I’m not done talking about this!”
“Well, I am. I need some air.”
“You better come back here and finish this conversation, or I might just go do it right now!”
I just stared at her. “I don’t even know who you are anymore. Let me know how it works out for you. I told you what will happen.”
I grabbed some clothes, and headed for my truck, Shelley screaming at me the whole time. Halfway to the truck, I stopped and turned, so suddenly that she almost ran into me. I put all my anger into my gaze, and her eyes got wide and she took a step back.
“Shelley, let me be perfectly clear. If you do this, I will divorce you. No ‘I didn’t think you really meant it.’ No ‘but it was only sex.’ No excuses. Do you understand?”
And I jumped in the truck and drove to my sister’s house.
**********
As I drove, I called her.
“Hello?”
“Hey Sis.”
“Hey Jason, what’s up?”
“Uhh… you at home? Can we talk?”
“Uh oh, that doesn’t sound good. But yes and yes. I don’t have anything going on.” I thought I heard her mumble something like ‘fucking pansy ex.’
“Sorry?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“Okay, I’m actually almost to your place. See you in a minute?”
Liz is my twin. She’s older by eight minutes but doesn’t lord it over me. Not too often. As far as looks… well, if it wasn’t biologically impossible for boy-girl twins to be identical, you’d think we were. She was as tall as me (when she wore heels). Same hair, same eyes, same nose, same smile. I was prettier of course, but she had better boobs.
She met me at the door, gave me a hug, and handed me a beer.
“Thanks. So, you sure this is okay? What about… ummm… sorry, I forgot his name.”
She laughed. “Peter? Ha,” she barked a short laugh. “He’s history.”
“Oh, sorry sis.”
“Don’t be. I broke up with him when he told me he wanted to watch me fuck another guy. Said he wanted to watch, and then go down on me after. Fucking pervert.”
“Gaaahhh, that’s nasty!”
“Right? My vibrator is more of a man than he is. Anyway, I’m fine. I already knew he wasn’t going to work out.”
“Still, sorry to hear it.”
“Thanks. But you didn’t come over to talk about my shitty love life, Jason.”
“No, you’re right. I’m in big trouble. Shelley is talking crazy about wanting us to have an open marriage. Actually, that’s not quite true. She says she wants to go fuck some guy for us, whatever the hell that means. All of a sudden, after seven years, she needs to ‘experiment’ because she was a virgin when we started dating. Obviously, it’s all bullshit, but that’s what she’s telling me. Personally, I think she just found some guy she wants to fuck, and not feel guilty about it.”
“Holy crap!” She hugged me again. “You guys have been happy forever! Any idea where this is coming from?”
“I think a lot of it is her friend Debbie filling her head with all kinds of crap. April too, probably. Why does my wife have such slutty friends? So cliché.”
“Has she already fucked him?”
“I don’t think so. She claims to want me to ‘be okay’ with it before she does anything. But honestly, she has gone so far already… I mean, she has planned this to the point of even talking to the bastard, to make sure he was ‘on board’. She may not have physically cheated, but mentally, she sure has. If I had to decide right now, I’d say we’re done.”
I put my head in my hands, and Liz sat beside me with her arm around me.
“Whatever you decide, I’m here for you, you know that, right?”
“Thanks, Liz. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You never have to find out,” she whispered.
After a few moments, I took a deep breath and sat back.
“So, what are you going to do now?” she asked.
“Can I crash here for a while?”
“Of course, you don’t even need to ask.”
“Thanks.” Then I grinned at her, a little evilly. “I got some stuff from Lewis. She won’t be able to fart without me knowing. I guess that’s where I’m at. Get proof, and dump her. Meanwhile, can you help me out with my financials?”
Liz was a pretty good accountant, and she did all my taxes and gave me advice on managing my money. The next morning, we both took off from work, and got started. We split the checking and savings in half. I used her half to pay off the outstanding credit card balances (those were all her doing anyway), in preparation for canceling all those joint accounts.
We set up a new account for me at a different bank, and put my half of our funds into that. Then we started on beneficiaries, retirement accounts, etcetera.
Shelley left it to me to handle the household accounts, so as long as her credit cards worked, she’d never notice what we were doing.
Finally, I called Anna Delinsky, and left a message. Anna was a high school classmate, and a shark of a divorce lawyer.
She called back that afternoon.
“Hello, Jason, it’s Anna. What can I do for you?”
“Oh, hey Anna, thanks for calling me back.”
“Of course. As much as I’d like to think, I’m sure this isn’t a social call?” she teased.
“I wish. But your husband would kill me. No, you’re right, sadly. Can you draw up divorce papers for me?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Jason. Are you sure?”
“Yeah, about 90% anyway.”
“Well, as long as there’s a chance, I’d advise against actually serving her, but I can certainly draw them up. What do you want to use as a reason?”
“Well, I’m pretty sure she’s cheating. I’m working on getting evidence. But I don’t have any yet.”
“Damn. Ok, just in case, I’ll do two sets… one for adultery and one for irreconcilable differences. You can decide which ones to use.”
“I’m with Liz, let me put you on speaker.” They greeted each other, and then the three of us talked about what had occurred so far, the actions we’d taken, and then listened to a few more suggestions from my new lawyer.
“Thanks, Anna. You’ve been huge help.”
“No problem. I’d like to say it’s my pleasure, but you know what I mean. I’ll call you when they’re done. Maybe we can get together with you and Liz sometime, it would be nice to catch up.”
“Sounds good. Say hi to Brian for me.”
After we hung up, I looked at Liz.
“So now we wait.”
“And drink!” She grabbed two beers from the fridge.
Did I tell you she’s the smart twin?
**********
I was eyeing the growing collection of beer bottles on the coffee table, when Liz said, “So I’m curious, bro. Now don’t get mad, but what else did your bitch of a wife say? I know you didn’t tell me everything.”
Ugh. “I really don’t want to say, it’s embarrassing.”
She looked at me evenly. Well, as evenly as she could. Beers, yeah? Many beers.
“Fine.” I sighed. “She said I wasn’t getting the job done. If you know what I mean.”
“The fuck? What a bitch! When did she say that?”
“A few weeks ago, right after.”
“Did you make her cum?”
“Yeah, seven… no, eight times.”
She gaped at me. “Holy fuck, Batman!”
I snickered, “That was awful.”
She started to laugh. “I thought it was pretty funny, come on. But what about you? How many times?”
“Ummm… three, and was trying for four when she said it.”
“Bro.” She sat up.
“Huh?”
“That bitch is LYING. Or she’s a damn nympho. Is that a normal ‘performance’ for you guys?” She air-quoted.
“That’s why it hurt so much. I thought I’d done a pretty good job.”
“Damn. If I could find a guy who could give me eight orgasms in one night, I’d chain him to the bed.”
“Liz!”
“What? It’s true!”
“I need more beer.” I headed for the fridge.
Resupplied, and back on the couch, I sat there morosely.
“You sure she hasn’t done anything yet?” Liz asked.
“That’s the worst part. I’m not sure. She says no, but… right now? Sis, I will bet you a full body massage with happy ending, that she already is, or soon will be, fucking her trainer, Sergio.” I know, that sounds a little incest-y, but as I said before, that’s just the way we talked to each other.
“I’ll take that bet. My money is on Antonio, that dreamy waiter down at Luigi’s.”
I looked at her. “Damn, I didn’t think about him. Now I feel worse.”
“Sorry, dude.”
**********
I woke up with a pounding headache, lying flat on my back, on her sofa. Liz was sprawled on top of me, drooling on my chest. Where the fuck was my shirt? I looked down. Thank God, she had hers on.
“Liz.”
No response.
“Liz!”
“Mmmmph.”
“LIZ!”
She jerked awake, lifting her head, and looked blearily at me.
“Ow, my head…” She pushed futilely at her hair.
Before either of us could get up though, I heard Liz’s back door open, and I groaned when I heard Shelley yell, “JASON! I know you’re here, I saw your tru…”
That’s as far as she got when she saw us.
“OH MY GOD, are you fucking your sister?”
We looked at each other, then back at her.
“Like, right this moment? Ah, no.”
“No, before, you idiot.” Wow, insults.
“Did we?” I asked.
She thought. “Mmmm, no, I don’t think so.”
We both looked back at her. “Nope, no sister-fuckery.” I did the Boy Scout salute.
“Then what the hell?”
“Drunk. Very drunk. Please stop yelling.”
She stood there, arms folded.
“Hi Liz, how are you? Oh, hi Shelley, nice to see you!” Liz said sarcastically.
Shelley turned her glare on her.
Liz gave a short laugh. “Whatever. I have to pee.” She put her hand down to lever herself up, and it landed right on my dick.
“Liz, ow, damn!”
“Oops, sorry Jason!” Then she smirked at Shelley. “Nice package, though!” And she flounced… well, she tried to flounce. It was more of a groaning plod, to the bathroom.
I sat up, clutching my head as I did. “What do you want, Shelley?”
“You didn’t let me finish last night. Why didn’t you come home?”
“I think I mentioned being very drunk? Please let me get some coffee first. I feel like warmed-over death.”
“Fine.” She sat at the far end of the sofa.
I went out the front and jumped in my truck. She heard the engine start, and came flying out after me. She looked like she was crying now, and I almost felt bad, until I remembered what she was planning. Or had already done. And I drove away.
I never did find my shirt.
**********
I had to admit, Liz’s house was a pretty obvious hiding place. So was work. As my cotton-filled brain was trying to think of Plan C, I saw Shelley’s car flying up behind me. Damn. She was flashing her lights and honking her horn at me.
I gave up. I stuck my arm out the window and made a ‘come on’ gesture, and headed for the house. I know, it’s wrong, please don’t try this at home, but I texted Liz.
> Sry 4 running out. Talk 2 u l8r.
> KK, bro. Gud luk
I let Shelley pull in first. No way was I letting her block me in. But she waited in her car, engine running, until I got out of the truck and started up the walk.
“Can I grab a shower, please? Then we can talk. I won’t leave, I promise.” She was standing in front of the door.
“Alright.” Her tone was a little more conciliatory.
I started a pot of coffee, and headed for the shower. I locked the bathroom door, too. I knew her, she wasn’t above using sex to try to sway me.
Felling a little better, I went back to the kitchen and was surprised to find a mug already poured, on the table.
“Thanks.”
She looked down. “Jason, I do love you, you have to believe me!”
“I believe that you believe it.
“But I do!”
I sighed. “Shelley… do you remember what we promised each other when we got married? Not the whole spiel, just the important part. The relevant part to this situation?”
She looked confused.
I took her hand across the table. “I’ll give you a clue,” I said gently. “Forsaking all others.” I gazed at her sadly. That’s the important bit. Well, the rest is too. But do you know what it means?”
“Of course I do.” She was starting to get angry again.
Still softly, I said, “I don’t think you do. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here.”
“Jason, don’t you understand that I need to do this?”
“No, you absolutely do not need to do this. You want to. That’s a very significant difference.”
“If you loved me, you would let me have this.”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t do it.”
“Aaaagghhh! You’re so stubborn!” She got up, ready to make one of her patented exits.
“Shelley, if you walk off, I’m leaving.”
She actually came back and sat down.
I looked at her. “Shelley, I love you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be so upset. Now, how did you feel when you saw me with Liz earlier?” Even though she’s my sister, and I can’t believe that was your first reaction, I added to myself. Cheaters always suspect others of cheating too…
“I was really mad,” she admitted.
“Right. So imagine how I would feel if I knew you’d been with someone else?”
“I guess… you’d be mad too?”
I was trying really hard, I really was. “Well yes, but a lot more than that. I’d feel betrayed, because you’d broken our wedding vows. I’d feel disrespected, because you didn’t consider my feelings, or my opinion. I’d feel emasculated, because I’d be thinking I wasn’t enough for you. You with me so far?”
She was staring at me.
“Finally, I’d be heartbroken, because you no longer belonged only to me. And I can’t live like that.”
I took a deep breath, and took both her hands. “Look. We’re both very emotional right now. Please don’t answer, just think about what I’ve said, and what I’m going to say, ok?”
“Okay?”
“I’m not trying to upset you. I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. Fidelity means something to me, Shelley. I’m not willing to share you. And it already feels like I am. So… if you go through with this… I won’t be able to deal with it. Do you understand? You’ve told me all your reasons, and I heard you. I’m just saying that I can’t accept it. I can’t. You can decide to go through with it, or not. It’s your choice. I’m asking you not to, but I can’t stop you.”
I got up. “Thanks for letting me say my piece. I’m going to grab a change of clothes and go back to Liz’s. Call me when you want to talk.”
I kissed her on the cheek and went upstairs. She was still sitting there when I came back down. I opened the door, and paused, looking back. She didn’t look up. I gently closed the door behind me.
**********
Later, back at Liz’s… “I don’t know, I was pretty damn clear, I thought. It’s up to her now. She goes through with this though, and we’re over.”
“How are you gonna know?”
“Oh, shit! I’m such a dumbass.” I had forgotten all about my surveillance gear.
I pulled up Lewis’s clone phone app, and started scrolling through her texts.
Then I just… turned it off.
Liz looked at me.
“I can’t. Call me a wuss if you want to, but if I do, it means I’ve given up on trusting her. I mean, I think I have anyway, but… fuck.”
Liz sat beside me and draped her arm across my shoulders. “You said ‘buttfuck’,” she snickered.
I couldn’t help it. I cracked up. “Love you, you dope.”
She smiled. “Always.”
**********
Two days later, my phone pinged.
> Can we talk?
> Where and when?
> Can you come by the house after work?
> I’ll be there.
As I drove, I considered my alternatives. I guess there were only two options. First, she could decide to give up on this idea. In which case, I’d still have trouble trusting her again, but at least there was a chance of keeping our marriage. Second, she could go through with it. If she did that, we were done.
Then I thought, there’ also a third option. She could tell me she wasn’t going through with it, but then do it behind my back. In which case, we were so done.
So, it was with some trepidation that I headed inside.
I smelled something cooking, and was mildly surprised. Since this all started, we’d hardly shared a meal.
“Hello, Jason, I made your favorite.”
“Thanks, that was… nice of you.” It looked good, too. But I was really too uptight to eat.
“Can you pour some wine?”
“Sure.” There was a nice Chianti breathing on the table. I almost asked if we were having fava beans too, but I figured that would be in poor taste.
Anyway, I poured, and she served. I sipped my wine, and pushed my food around my plate for a while, until she finally got up and asked if we could sit in the living room.
When we were seated, she looked down at her hands. “Jason… I do love you. And I get that you’re upset with me. I just want you to know that what I was considering has no impact on my feelings for you.”
“No impact? I…”
“Please, Jason, I let you have your say. Now please let me have mine.”
I subsided, and nodded for her to continue.
“It doesn’t affect my feelings for you. It’s just… I can’t get this idea out of my head! I feel like I’ve got this itch I just have to scratch, and then I’ll be okay. You said that you didn’t think I would be yours any more, but I would be, I promise! This… thing… doesn’t have anything to do with us. I can only beg you to understand! I know you love me. I hope it’s enough to let me have this.”
She still couldn’t look at me. “That’s all.”
It hurt more than I expected. Finally, I said, “Okay, Shelley. You’ve made you choice. Now we both have to live with the consequences.”
As I packed up my stuff, she just sat there, watching me. I stood in the doorway with my last load, and turned, looking at the end of my marriage. “Goodbye, Shelley. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
**********
I went back to Liz’s. She knew me, and left me alone, just telling me she loved me and to let her know if I needed anything.
I called work and asked for a few days off. I told my boss what was going on, and he was understanding. Oh, and I never did use any of the stuff Lewis gave me. I packed it all up and gave it back the next day. It didn’t matter now.
I asked Anna to have Shelley served at home. I didn’t feel like embarrassing her any more. She didn’t fight it.
Life went on. I worked, and hung out with Liz. I was lucky to have her to lean on.
**********
A few months after the divorce was final, I took Liz to dinner at her favorite restaurant one night, and we were having a good time. She was laughing at something I said, and reached over to grab my hand. Then her smile faded, and her eyes went to something behind me. I turned, and saw Shelley standing a few feet away.
“Hi Jason. Hi Liz,” she said.
Liz got up. “I’ll be at the bar,” she said flatly.
Shelley asked, “Can I talk to you?”
I waved my hand at Liz’s vacated seat.
“Sorry for intruding, she said. I saw your truck, and… well…” she looked down, twisting her hands in her lap, “I hoped…”
“What, Shelley?”
She flinched. But she collected herself, and said, “I couldn’t go through with it, you know.”
I looked at her, blankly.
“The… experiment,” she explained.
“Oh.”
She gave me a small, tentative smile. “I didn’t cheat on you, Jason.”
I didn’t know what to say, and she took my silence as encouragement.
“Do you think… maybe there’s a chance…”
“I don’t think so.” I sighed. “The last time we talked? It was over for me then. I know you don’t understand my feelings, but the fact that you couldn’t go through with it doesn’t really matter. But if it helps you feel better, then I’m happy.”
She nodded sadly. “Ok, Jason. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I really messed things up, huh?” she smiled wanly.
“Shelley…”
“It’s okay. I won’t beg. Maybe someday…”
“Sure. Maybe.”
She kissed my cheek and left.
Liz came back over and looked at me. “So?”
I stood up, put my arm around her, and said, “Let’s go home.”
**********
Sorry if this is an unsatisfying ending for some. It’s just how I write. I start with an idea, and see where it takes me. And this is where this one led.
J62