As always, I have to include a huge debt of gratitude to Randi for her incredible editing, and assistance.
I also have to add thanks to George for his help. It’s nice to have good people in your corner.
This chapter picks up after Reece laid down his ultimatum that he wanted the polyamorous element of their relationship to end, and for Sierra to choose between Leif and himself.
*****
Sierra, staggered back as if she had tripped. Grabbing the door frame for support, she muttered distractedly, “Reece, that’s not fair; you promised to try it for a year. You are asking me which arm I would prefer to cut off”
“Sorry, that’s it for me. It’s either him or me. Personally, I would prefer we moved, but I knew you’d never do that.”
“How can you be so cool and calm, so insensitive? It borders on cruel. How could you be so bloody heartless?”
“You and I see things differently, Sierra. I’ve swallowed a bitter pill in trying to accept this insanity. I’ve just reached the end of my tether. I’m telling you here and now, you need to decide on what you want to do.”
“Jesus, Reece. You can’t drop a bomb like that and expect me to make a life altering decision.”‘
“No, I didn’t mean you had to decide here and now. I’ll give you a couple of days to make your choice.”
She stood open mouthed, her hands running furiously through her hair as she tried to formulate a response. Her mouth moved, but there was only silence.
“I never wanted this, Sierra. I told you that when you suggested it to me. Let me know what your decision is.”
“And what if I say, I’m not going to.”
“Then I’ll assume you’ve decided on taking Leif as your partner.”
“Reece, this is insane. We don’t have to do this. What’s to be gained from this madness?”
“My freedom, that’s what. Once that decision is made, I will be free to move on with my life.”
“Oh my god, this is all about Julia, isn’t it?”
“No, Julia and I are nothing more than friends, but she has shown me that there is life after divorce. I’m sure there are other women who would be interested.”
“Bloody hell.” She sighed as she walked away.
She stayed out of my way for the rest of the day. The kids offered some reprieve, but the moment Leif walked in. Sierra grabbed him as he struggled to slow her down.
The kids were all hungry, so we had a bit of fun as they told me about their day and I made them a sandwich. Afterwards they all zoomed off to play.
I went for a stroll to clear my head and prepare for a bitter battle. Sierra was probably giving Leif my ultimatum right at that moment.
When I got back, the kids were setting out the table. Leif was in the kitchen helping Sierra and talking in hushed tones.
The kids dominated dinner as they always did, but as the meal came to an end, they started to pick up on the tension. There were lots of nervous glances exchanged.
Leif was itching to say something. I could see it; every time our eyes met, his brow furrowed and he gave me the evil eye.
With inner barely finished, Leif said, “Perhaps you kids should go up to your room for a bit. Mummy and I have some things we need to discuss with Reece.”
Sierra gathered them together and shooed them up the stairs.
“Okay bro, what the fuck is this about laying down a fucking ultimatum?”
“Leif, I said I’d try to make this thing work. I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t into it. Now it’s over. I’ve asked Sierra to make a decision. She’s either going to be mine or yours.”
“Fuck me, bro. Why… Jesus you’re destroying everything.”
“All I’m trying to do is get my family back. Either that, or I’m going to get my freedom. I’m sick of sleeping alone. I’m sick of watching you and her all lovey-dovey while I’m left alone. One way or the other, it’s over.”
“Mate, you’re fucking this up. We offered you a pathway that could take away all this fucking animosity.”
“I told you then I’m not into that shit. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life watching you fuck my wife.”
“Reece,” sierra screamed in anguish. “You don’t have to be crude. We get it, you said it enough times. Why do you have to make it sound so grotesque?”
“Maybe it sounds that way because it is.”
“Reece, lots of people live in relationships like this. It’s not like we’re the only ones.”
“I’m not knocking it, Sierra. For the people who want to live that way, fine. It’s just not for me, okay? I hate the idea everybody knows. It pisses me off.”
“Bro,” Leif blustered. “You’re getting your tits in a tangle for nothing. Nobody cares about that shit these days.”
“I fucking care, don’t you understand? It’s important to me. God knows what they say about me.”
“It’s always about you isn’t it, Reece, that’s what bugs me most. You don’t care about us, it’s just you.”
“Sierra, I’m serious. I want out of this mess. I’m sick of all the continuous drama, sick of sleeping alone. I want my wife back. You need to choose. If you don’t, I’m leaving. I’m sick of all this bullshit.”
“No!” came the scream from the stairs. “Please, Dad, we don’t want you to leave.”
The thundering sound of a herd of angry kids reverberated as they ran down and into their mother’s arms. “Please, Dad, we want you to stay.” Zane sniffled.
Sierra pulled them into a circle around herself. “Nobody’s leaving.” She glared at me for support. “Tell them, Reece.”
I knelt down and the girls slipped their arms around my neck and we hugged. “Kids, there’s lots of things happening at the moment. You guys are old enough to know that your Mum and I have been having issues. It’s not your fault, it’s just us. We are trying to work things out, but I don’t know what the future holds.”
The girls saturated my shoulder with their tears, which started my own waterworks. Even the boys came over and joined our group hug. Sierra and Leif stood watching, concern etched deep into their faces.
Seeing the pain on their faces made it hard. They were a family; they didn’t understand what was going on, all they saw was their family splitting… and they didn’t like it.
Sierra rallied them together and led them off to bed. Leif walked over to me and wrapped his big hairy arms around me. “Why didn’t you say you were feeling like this bro?”
“I bloody have. Christ, I’ve hardly been keeping my feelings to myself.”
“Yeah, I knew you weren’t happy, but this. Fuck man, leaving. Come on, you don’t want to do that.”
“Leif, I can’t talk to you about this. All you want is Sierra; you don’t care about me. I can’t trust anything you say any more. I will always be left questioning your motives.”
“I’ve never lied to you, Reece. We love the same woman; we have a shared family. You’re my best mate, my brother, I would never willingly hurt you.”
“I don’t believe you, Leif… See, that’s the problem. I can’t talk to you anymore. I’ve lost my best mate, as well.”
We separated and he sighed. “I’m sorry you feel that way, bro. I still love you, still want to have you around. I’ll do anything to keep us all together. If it’s the sex thing, then I’ll step out of the loop.”
“Leif, that all sounds very noble, except it doesn’t. Stuck under the same roof, the three of us living like this, it can never work. If Sierra chooses me, you’re gonna be all bitter and twisted. You’ll hate me, maybe not today, but after a while the resentment will come back and we will be at each others throats again. It’s no way to live, and it’s not right that the kids see it every day either.”
“Fuck,” he barked loudly. “You’re fucking this up severely, dude. You’re letting your petty jealousy get in the way. That’s what this is all about. You must have been a shit of a kid. Bet you hated sharing your toys, as well. You’ve never really committed to giving this a fair go. You already had your mind made up before we even tried.”
“That’s rich coming from you. You selfish fucking arsehole. All you fucking care about is yourself. If you cared about me, then you wouldn’t be banging my fucking wife. You’re just a fucking scum bag cock sucking arsehole.”
Suddenly, we were swinging punches, a whirlwind of punches thrown. I felt his huge fist slam into my jaw. He was a hell of a lot stronger than me. All I had was anger, and I had a lot of that. I landed a couple of hits as well, but the fight was taken out of me when he landed a huge blow to my stomach.
I dropped like a stone, unable to breathe, my mouth full of bile. On my hands and knees, I managed to get some breath back. When I opened my eyes, we were surrounded by the kids, none knowing what to say. Leif had a broken nose, split lip, a black eye, and there was blood everywhere.
I could only imagine I looked a lot worse; he landed the heavier shots.
Sierra stood staring from Leif to me, her shocked expression strangling any words. Harmony fell down beside me. “Are you okay, Dad?”
“I’m fine.” The words were a struggle to get out. My tongue seemed huge. “You kids need to get back to bed.”
Sierra chased them back to bed, Harmony giving me a blood stained kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Dad. Please don’t fight.” She rushed over and hugged Leif, before she rushed off to be with the others.”
Leif stumbled over to where I was and muttered, “Jesus Christ, Reece. I’m sorry, bro. Fuck, I don’t know what happened.”
“I guess this was coming,” I mumbled through swollen lips. “Maybe it had to happen.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, I said I was sorry,” he snarled as he flopped back in one of the chairs.
Sierra arrived just as I was standing up. She walked up, slipped her arm around my waist, and said, “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
In the bathroom she wiped away all the blood, cleaned up my face. “God, you’re gonna have a huge black eye, and you mouth is swollen.” She dabbed on the salve and found me some pain killers. “Go and change, there’s blood all over your shirt. I’ll go and see if Leif needs a hand.”
I walked back down to the living area with fresh clothes. Leif had also changed.
“Are you two clowns happy now? Those children are scared bloody stiff. Seeing you two fighting was the last thing they needed to see.”
“I already said I’m sorry, Reece.” Leif muttered unconvincingly. Sierra glared at me. “Well, what have you got to say?”
“I’m sorry as well. The kids shouldn’t have seen that.” I glared at Sierra, “I’m gonna stay with Pete for a few days. When I get back, you need to have made your decision. It’s either him or me.”
Leif hissed, “You’re a fool, Reece. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You’re a selfish self centred arsehole. You don’t care about anybody but yourself. You couldn’t stand to see Sierra and I having any enjoyment from life. You’re a petty vindictive bastard.”
He was gone, leaving Sierra and I glaring at each other. “What happened, Reece?”
“I don’t know,” I said with a casual shrug. “One minute we were yelling at each other and then the world exploded.”
“Leif hit you?” she gasped in shock.
“I don’t now who hit who. It just started.”
She hugged me tight, and I winced. She gave me a worried look. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, maybe some bruising. Nothing to worry about.”
“Bloody hell, you damn fools. The kids were horrified.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry they had to see that, but I need to know Sierra, him or me.”
“For heaven’s sake, can’t we take our time and talk about it. Jesus, we have so much of ourselves invested in this. I love you, Reece, and I will do whatever it takes. If you want me to stop sleeping with Leif, then that’s fine. That’s what I’ll do.”
That caught me off guard. “That’s great, exactly what I wanted to hear you say. Now tell me you’ll do it happily.”
Guiltily, with a soft shake of her head, she rasped apologetically, “Reece, I can’t do that and you know it. I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together, but I can’t lie. It wouldn’t be happily. Why are you being so difficult about this?”
“Because it’s important to me. I want to know that the rest of our lives together would be happy ones. That could only happen if you were happy with your decision. If you’re gonna be resentful, always wishing that Leif was still in your life, it wouldn’t work.”
“What you’re suggesting is impossible. I can’t just suddenly forget Leif; he is part of our story, and I do have legitimate feelings for him. You just can’t turn that off.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. History would just repeat: the resentment, the arguments. We would just end up hating each other. We want different things. If we are going to remain friends, work together for the sake of the kids, then we have to separate.”
“I don’t want that, Reece. I never did.”
“Neither did I, but I can’t accept things as they are.”
“So what happens?” She sighed dejectedly. I think at that moment, we both knew it was over.
“We move on, you and Leif need to see if you can make a go of it. I’m going to try and put this behind us. It’s important for the kid’s sake that we remain at least cordial; we put their needs first. There must be no more fighting in front of them. If you have issues with me, then we do that fighting in private. The same goes for Leif.”
“Will you stay?” she asked with sadness.
“Yeah, I want the kids to have some stability. I’ll spend a couple of days at Pete’s. I think we both need some space.”
There was no hiding the cuts, black eye and swollen lip. The guys at work gave me shit. One cheeky bastard asked me if I did any damage to the other guys fist. When Julia saw me, I heard her loud gasp, but she said nothing. I took enough time staying at Pete’s so that my injuries were all gone when I returned home.
We tried to keep it private, but kids are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. They picked up on the shift. They realised Sierra and I no longer slept together, there was no more cuddling or intimacy between us and they asked questions. Very insightful questions, and we had to answer them honestly.
Yeah, it meant another family meeting where we bared our souls and told them the truth. No hiding, no ego spared.
There were tears, lots of them. We had to reassure them that although Sierra and I were no longer together, the family was still strong and nothing would change in that regard.
“Are you moving away, Dad?” Zane asked.
“No, we just wanted you to know what’s going on.”
Harmony, who was Leif’s real daughter, was quick into my arms, her tears saturating my shirt. “Please don’t go. We will all do anything.”
“He’s not going anywhere,” Leif stated loudly. “He and Sierra aren’t getting along, but he’s not going anywhere. This is his home, as well as ours. We are still a family.”
Autumn joined Harmony on my lap, and we cuddled. That hug was soon joined by Zane and Hawk, who stood beside us, just embracing.
The kids didn’t fully understand. They had always accepted that ours wasn’t a normal household. They never judged or questioned it. Knowing it and dealing with it are different things. They didn’t understand.
That brought about a lot of changes. Sierra moved into Leif’s room. I cancelled our joint credit cards, closed our savings account, splitting it down the middle and opening my own private account.
That hurt Sierra; not financially, but the fact I had separated myself from her. She saw it as unnecessary, and she was probably right. I did it out of spite. Just to prove we were over.
It also meant she had to start paying her half of our mortgage. That hurt, as well.
It certainly made living together under the same roof very difficult.
Separation wasn’t what she wanted; even after the acrimony she still wanted her big nuclear family.. Her wonderful fantasy world had dissolved, and she blamed me for it. In front of the children we were warm and loving. We were careful not to let them see the pain. It wasn’t just Sierra. I felt it as well, watching them together openly showing love, that hurt. I thought I could take it, but in reality, no, it hurt, it hurt badly.
It would have been nice if my friendship with Julia had remained intact. Unfortunately, she had ghosted me. I tried on several occasions to talk to her, but she brushed me aside.
I lost my confidante, the only other person I had been able to confide in.
That door was about to be prised open in a very painful way. It came in the form of a phone call from Amy’s school. She had an accident and needed to be taken to the doctor. The school had been unable to get in touch with Julia. It was Harmony who suggested they call me.
I checked around the office and discovered Julia had taken annual leave to visit family in Christchurch. With no alternatives, I drove to the school and picked up Amy.
I found her in the infirmary, her eyes full of tears, her head swathed in a bloodied bandage. “What happened?” I asked.
Through her sniffling tears, she replied, “We were playing chasings, and I ran around the corner and banged into Billy. That’s all I remember.”
“Don’t worry, sweetie. We’ll get you to the doctor.”
Understanding little about concussion, I kept her talking. We talked about netball, school and what Mummy was doing.
The doctor had to put in several stitches, and reapplied a fresh bandage. We sat in the recovery room for a couple of hours. The doctor finally gave her the all clear. It was getting late, and I was trying to figure out what to do. My phone rang. “Oh my god, where are you?” Julia screeched.
“At the medical centre in town. Don’t panic, she’s all right. Concussion and a few stitches.”
“Thank god.” She sighed. “Are you still there? I can come and get her.”
“No, you go home. I don’t think you sound in any condition to be driving. I’ll bring her home.”
With a deep thankful sigh, she said, “Thank you, Reece. I appreciate that.”
“It’s all good. We’ll be at your place in about half an hour.”
As we pulled up outside Julia’s place, she came rushing out. She threw open the passenger side door and whisked Amy into her arms. “Oh my love, are you all right?”
As she held her tightly, Amy recounted the events of the day. When Julia was satisfied, she looked across at me. “Thank you, Reece. I will be forever grateful.”
“Hey, no worries. I’m just glad I could help. The doc said she’ll be fine, just watch out for unusual signs.”
“No, I need to say thank you.”
Julia walked hand in hand, escorting Amy inside.
I drove off, feeling a little deflated. It was just nice to hear her voice, with warmth, rather than politeness.
The netball season was drawing to a close, but the weather had been unrelenting. Canterbury can be like that sometimes. I got the kids out of the car, the boys scurrying off to kick the ball around. I was on the sidelines when I felt an arm slide through mine. I turned to find Julia. She nestled under my umbrella, with Amy tucked in close.
“How have you been?” she asked.
“Could be better.” Kneeling down by Amy, I asked, “And how are you, sweetie?”
She smiled, replying, “I’m okay, but I’m not allowed to play today.”
I gave her a kiss on the cheek, “I’m sorry, sweetie. Maybe next week.”
“She’s fine,” Julia said as I stood up beside her. “Although the doctor said no contact sports. She’s disappointed to miss out today.”
“Yeah, the team will miss her. I know Autumn and Harmony miss her.”
She winced a little. “Reece, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“It’s okay. I get it. I would just like to know what I did wrong.”
She grimaced as she mumbled apologetically, “Nothing, okay. It wasn’t you. I just got nervous. I’m sorry, I panicked and pulled my head back into my shell like I always do. I was scared.”
“Of what?” I replied, confusion overwhelming me.
She looked down at Amy, who had nestled between us, her arm around my waist, then back at me. “Can we talk about this later?”
I nodded, and we turned to focus on the game. I was surprised when she asked, “Can we come and watch the boys play? Amy has really missed the girls during the weekends.”
As the boys rushed off to do their warm-ups with the team, the girls ran off together, playing. I asked again, “What were you scared of, Julia?”
“You, us. That night at the movies. It was wonderful, so wonderful. That night after you left, I reassessed things, because I didn’t want you to leave. I was disappointed when you did.”
“Really… Didn’t seem like it.” I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.
“Reece, I like you, I just didn’t want to become the other woman. Your marriage might not be the norm, or even be very good, but I didn’t want to break up a family.”
“Julia, I like you as well. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can tell you, Sierra and I have separated.”
“Separated… Oh my god. Not because of me I hope.” She gasped.
“No, it’s a lot more complex than that. Lets just say we are different people.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“God knows, because I don’t.”
“I was being serious, Reece. Have you moved out?”
“No, I’m still living there, just not with Sierra. She is now living full time with Leif. I stayed for the kids. They have seen enough fighting to last a lifetime. I wanted to try and get things settled. Give them a chance to get used to things.”
“That must be hard, living under the same roof.”
“Shit, you’re not wrong. I thought I was going to be able to handle it, but… actually, I think I’m just about ready to walk away.”
That’s when she lost it. “Reece, you can’t be serious. After everything that’s happened?”
Surprised by her venom. I replied softly, defensively, “Julia, what Sierra and I had is gone. I can’t live like that. I’m not sure what alternatives there are.”
“You said you were staying for the kids?” She sighed, the worry obvious in her shaky voice. “You can’t just walk away.”
“I wanted to stay for them, but I didn’t realise how hard it would be.”.”
She looked shocked at my statement. “I think you need to try. Those kids would be devastated if you left.”
“I get that, and I am trying. I just don’t know if I can handle it.” I went on to explain how things had panned out at home, how Sierra had cut me out of her life.
“Reece, think about what Sierra has been through. She’s been trying to be be a wife to two husbands, mother to four children, run her own gallery and pottery classes. Oh, and on top of that, keep up that big old house. All the while she’s grieving for Patience, just like you. That’s an impossible task. She kept trying because she loves you. Yes, she loves you, and Leif, and the kids. Now she’s lost you, she must be feeling like a complete failure. She must be in real pain.”
I was a little ashamed that Julia saw it so clearly, and I had ignored how hard it must be for her. “it’s been hard, there’s no denying that, but it’s been hard on all of us.”
“Holy mother of god,” she snapped. “Sometimes Reece, you can be clueless. You see your needs, but seem totally oblivious to other peoples problems.”
“Bullshit, since we separated. She has been nothing but a bitter old crone.”
“Don’t be so flaming selfish. Try and look at it from her perspective, for once. Of course she resents you. You have destroyed her world. Reece, I like you, and I think maybe if things were different we could have something good together, but right now you need to sort your shit out.”
Sick and tired of being lectured, I grumbled, “Well, I guess that’s put me in my place. It’s been fun getting to know you, Julia.” I started to walk away, but she yanked me back by my arm.
“Not so fast there, buster.” At least she was smiling. “You’ll still be seeing me around. Amy has missed spending time with Autumn and Harmony. That was my fault. She would love to spend more time with them. I need her to have friends. You and I still have to work together, and I would like to be friends, more than friends actually.”
She said that with a glint in her eye that made my knees go a little weak.
“I wasn’t trying to start a fight, Reece,” she whispered, becoming serious. “I do like you, I like you a lot. But I’m not getting involved in that mess. I will always he here to talk to. Don’t cut me out of your life, just because I don’t agree with you. Your first priority must be at home, you need to sort it.”
Dinner was chaos as usual. Sierra was trying to hold it all together, but there was a desperation about it. I could see what Julia was talking about, too: she had lost some weight, and if I looked carefully, I could see the circles under her eyes. I made the boys help me clean up while Sierra and Leif relaxed on the deck. After the kids were in bed, I went out back by the creek to think.
Julia had been right, of course. I had been so wrapped up in my own needs that I hadn’t seen what was happening to Sierra. It took Julia whacking me over the head to open my eyes.
I sensed that Sierra’s desperation was driven by fear. She was afraid of failing our family and afraid of everything collapsing down around us. On top of that, there was the feeling she had let Patience down. I had only made those fears worse.
Monday morning, and Julia was her old self. She came out and sat with me for lunch. It was nice to have somebody to talk to, who offered a supportive ear.
At home, though, it was still the cold front. Resentment, I could feel it digging in its icy fingers. It was slow, painfully so, but it was there, like ivy climbing a brick wall. The tentacles slithered inexorably into the tiniest of crack, searching for weakness, and once inside, it blossomed. As always, it started with just little things, but the pressure built. Sierra, although putting up a friendly face for the kids, in private, she found fault with everything I did. I decided in an effort to maintain peace, I would stop fighting with her. My new approach was to ignore her.
If anything, it made it worse. It annoyed the hell out of her, but she at least suffered in silence.
Thank god for Julia, although as our lunches turned back into therapy sessions, she became sad as well.
The kids became my focus; I spent as much time with them as I could. I learned to play video games, guitar hero. They were my world. Plus, there was weekend sports. Julia and I went back to standing together, cheering and yelling. Most days we followed the games with a late lunch, or early dinner at Mickey D’s.
As Julia and I grew closer, it felt like I was being lifted, even although I knew she wouldn’t let it go anywhere. She told me several times, “Reece, I am not going to be the other woman. I am not looking for an affair.”
She could say it as much as she wanted. It didn’t stop my mind from filling with erotic images of what she would look like naked, what she would taste like, feel like. I wanted her badly… And the more Sierra and I fought, the deeper that yearning hunger went.
We were like kids on a carousel, going round and round, none of us happy. I’m sure Julia felt the same way. I think we both wanted to taste the sweet waters, but were holding ourselves back, afraid if we did unleash that beast, there would be no turning back.
I guess with that sort of tension building, it was always going to erupt, and it did.
Leif was away on a job, and it was just Sierra, me and the kids. We had a pleasant evening meal. I helped the kids with homework as Sierra finished the cleaning up. We all watched a little TV before the kids went off to bed, leaving her and I alone in an uncomfortable silence.
As we sat there, the tension building, she asked, “Do you want a beer?”
“Yeah, choice.”
When she returned, she sat beside me, and as I flipped the lid on my beer, she clinked her wine glass against my bottle. “Reece, I’m sorry for the way things have turned out. This is not how I saw our future. I do love you.”
“Yeah, I know. Believe it or not. I have never doubted your love for me. It’s just that now, you love him more.”
“That’s not true, babe. Yes, I do love him, but not more than you. I know it’s not fair, but that’s the truth. I do love him, just like you loved Patience. I don’t want to dredge all that up again, but you know what I mean. That relationship. It opened my heart, and my mind. I never expected to love two wonderful men, but I do.”
I heard the little sobs as she moved, wriggled closer, wiping away stray locks of damp hair. She looked wretched: swollen puffy eyes, smudged mascara. For the first time, I saw how haggard she looked.
“Reece. I wanted more than anything in the world to make you happy. It just seemed like we were on a see-saw, and I was piggy in the middle. If I made Leif happy, I hurt you, and then vice versa. Whichever way I turned, I hurt somebody. The guilt, the shame and disappointment, it just overwhelmed me.”
“I understand, at least I think I do. But it doesn’t change where we are at the moment. .”
“Reece, I don’t want you to leave. That is my biggest fear. I am so scared every day that you are just going to walk out. Leif and I both talked about it, we both feel like we could work out something permanent…”
I went into the bathroom and returned with a box of tissues.
“Thanks.” She sighed.
“Sierra. I’m not going anywhere. We have to find some way to make this mess work.”
She peered at me through those fluttering smouldering eyes. “We could go to bed, make love, just like old times.”
“And what happens tomorrow?”
“We cross that bridge when we get to it. “Reece, I want you. I love you. I just want the pain to go away. Please, let’s leave everything else out of it and just live, even if it’s just for one night.”
“I can’t do it, Sierra. I mean I could, in fact I would love to.”
That brought a smile to her face, but that faded when I added, “I can’t though. If I did, we would be right back where this started. We have to build separate lives, but I promise, I’m not leaving.”
The tears returned and between sniffles, she said, “Thanks, Reece.”
Sleep for me was an impossibility. I kept going over everything, weighing up the possibilities. Of course, the more I let my mind wander, the more images and memories came into focus.
Patience, her beautiful warm smiling face. I recalled all the conversations we had before moving into our merged marriage. Fuck, I missed her so much. She had been the genius and the glue that brought the whole thing to life.
There was that one overriding emotion. I had failed her. I promised to do everything I could to make this work, and at the very first blip in the road, I fell. I failed. Why? Jealousy and selfishness. Sierra had thrown herself into this, and had worn herself to a frazzle trying to make it work. Tonight, I saw the ravages of that stress and what it was doing to her.
The bloody sun was up when I finally fell asleep. I was awakened about eleven by Harmony, who brought in a cup of tea and a plate of toast. As my eyes adjusted, she smiled, placing the plate beside me. “Hi, Dad. Mum said we had to let you sleep in.”
“Thanks, sweetie.”
As I ate my toast, I realised it was Saturday. “How come you’re not at softball?”
She giggled. “It’s school holidays next week. No games for us, although Mum has taken the boys to footy.”
I finished breakfast listening to Harmony tell me all about how she wanted a pony. She sure knew how to pull at my heart strings.
After a refreshing shower, I wandered out to find it was just the girls and me. We played a little football, a little netball. It was fun, after the stress of last night. It was just what I needed. The girls squealed and giggled as they played keep the ball off Dad.
We were having lemonade when Sierra returned with the boys. They, like the girls were full of energy. God knows how. They would have just played ninety minutes of football, but they still had energy.
They rushed inside to get lemonade, as well. Sierra sat beside me, sliding her arm through mine. She planted a juicy kiss on my cheek. “You must of had a restless night, babe.”
“Yeah, lots to think about.”
I sipped my lemonade, the citrussy burst refreshing but bitter.
“You’ll never guess who I ran into at the boy’s game,” she said matter of factly.
Without thinking, I asked, “Who?”
“Julia and Amy.”
“Oh yeah, how were they?”
“Okay, but since when does she go to watch our boys play?”
“Oh, right… For a while actually. We usually stand together to watch the girls at netball, and she got into the habit of hanging around to watch the boys.”
“The girls had no games today.”
“She likes to watch the boys. Amy is friends with them.”
She sneered with a hint of discomfort. “I don’t think it was Amy’s idea. Julia wasn’t expecting to see me, she was expecting you. She said to say hi.” There was real anger in her eyes. She waited till the kids were out of earshot and hissed nastily. “You told me our separation had nothing to do with Julia. You dirty lying bastard. It’s got everything to do with her.”
“Sierra, we’re just friends. Nothing has ever happened between us.”
“Like fuck you are. You lying piece of shit.” With that she stormed off to see what the girls were up too.
School holidays were difficult for us. We all worked. It meant one of us always had to take a day off to be home with the kids. Sierra did most of it. Leif and I covering the rest.
Julia took the two weeks as annual leave because she didn’t have anyone to care for Amy during the day.
The girls did invite Amy out for several sleepovers, much to Sierra’s chagrin. Although, she swallowed that pill silently.
Over the holidays, Amy became somewhat of a house guest. Thankfully, Julia repaid the compliment by taking the girls for a couple of nights.
During those exchanges, Sierra and Julia were polite and courteous, without saying too much.
As they settled into this new relationship, as unlikely as it sounds, from the fiery pits of hell, they managed to forge something of a bond. Maybe not a friendship, but they talked. A couple of occasions when Julia turned ip to pick up Amy, she stayed for a cup of coffee with Sierra. It was uncomfortable seeing them sitting together at the table talking.
Imagine my surprise when I arrived home from work to find Julia’s car in our driveway. Walking inside, the first thing I noticed was the girls squealing. They were all in the kitchen, aprons on, baking. Julia and Sierra laughing riotously as the girls had an icing fight.
“What the hell?” I gasped.
Sierra was the first to see me. “Hey, babe. Julia brought Amy out.”
“Jesus, Sierra. Look at the bloody mess.”
“Oh stop it. We’ll clean up. At least the girls will. Julia and I are going to have a wine.” She gave me a juicy kiss, before adding, “Oh, by the way, you’re cooking dinner tonight.”
Julia seemed embarrassed; the red flushed cheeks gave away her inner feelings.
I went and changed, and when I got back to the kitchen, the girls were gone, the mess cleaned up. I found Sierra and Julia out on the barbecue table with a bottle of wine.
I decided not to intervene. God knows what they were talking about, but they were deep into it. I opted for a cold beer and a search through the fridge for something to cook for dinner.
I was hard at it when Leif strolled in. “Hey bro, who’s is the car?”
“Julia, she’s out the back with Sierra and a bottle of wine.”
He gave me a telling glare. “Oh, oh.”
“Whatcha mean by that?” I replied curtly.
He shuddered. “Look, mate. It’s none of my business, but Sierra thinks there’s something between you and Julia.”
“We are friends, that’s all.”
“Hey, steady mate. I’m not judging or sticking my nose in. Just telling you what she told me.”
“Yeah, thanks, Leif.”
“It’s cool, dude. She’s pretty sweet, though. I can see why you’d be interested.”
“Fuck off, Leif. I already said, we are just fiends.”
He pulled out cold beers, passing one to me. “I might go out and say hi.”
He vanished out the back. The boys arrived, followed by the girls, who had an empty tray. Judging by the mess they made, I reckon they had just scoffed over a dozen cupcakes. They all went up to their rooms to play, and with everything in the oven, I wandered out to see what the others were doing.
The table was full of laughter and conversation. I went to pull out a chair, but was interrupted by Sierra. “Whoa, not yet, lover. We need another bottle of wine.”
“And a beer please, dude,” Leif added.
This time, I did get to sit down. I sat between Julia and Leif. She giggled as I sat down. “I have missed our lunches.”
“I would have thought the girls would have kept you too busy.”
“Nah, I enjoy our lunches.” She was tipsy and giggly.
Sierra jumped in. “When’s dinner, babe. I’m famished.”
“About an hour.”
“Shit.” She sighed
“We could steal some of the girls’ cupcakes.” Julia giggled.
“Too late, I’m afraid. They scoffed the lot,” I replied.
Dinner was pleasant, although by then, it was obvious that Julia wasn’t driving anywhere. “I’ll get a taxi,” she spluttered.
“Like hell. We have spare rooms here. You are staying,” Sierra announced drunkenly.”You can have a sleepover as well.”
Leif, who was in the middle of a big fencing contract, went to bed early. Sierra and Julia stayed up late laughing. I left them to it, I needed sleep as well.
God knows what time it was when I heard Sierra showing Julia into one of the spare rooms.
The next morning, as always, was chaos. The kids were all running around getting breakfast. Julia and Sierra hadn’t risen when I left for work.
That night when I got home, Sierra seemed in a really jovial mood.
“Reece, would you help me get dinner?”
I hesitantly went in to help. I was greeted with a sweet little kiss.
“What time did you drag your lazy arse out of bed?”
She giggled, “Hey, less of the lazy. I’ll have you know, I had a really busy day.”
“What about Julia? When did she leave?”
“Not long ago, actually. She came in and helped me in the gallery.”
As we worked together, preparing dinner, she whispered, “Julia, she’s really nice. I like her.”
“Good for you,” I muttered, unable to understand this new warmth. She was actually talking to me.
“She reminds me of Patience, don’t you think, Reece?”
“No,” I blustered, hoping my lie wasn’t to noticeable.
She knew me too well. “Bloody liar. You see it as well.”
Amy became a regular at our house, like part of the furniture. Julia, although reticent, did seem to enjoy having Sierra, as a friend might be overstating it, but they were talking.
After the kids went back to school, we went back to a semblance of our usual routines.
For Julia and I, this included our lunches, although things were different now. There was an underlying tension, an expectancy, or yearning. I couldn’t really decipher it.
Saturday found us, as usual, standing under the umbrella watching the girls, although now it wasn’t netball, it was softball. It was a bleak rainswept day, impossible to stay dry.
After the girls finished, I said, “You better get home. It’s going to pour down.”
Julia smiled, her arm around my back, and asked. “Would you mind if we came and watched the boys?”
“No, you would be most welcome. The more the merrier. It’s going to be wet though.”
By the time the game started, the bleak Canterbury sky was dark and foreboding. Large drops of rain started falling, the drops got closer together and then the heavens opened up and it bucketed down.
“Go back to the car,” I yelled at Julia.
She laughed. “To late now, we are already wet.” The girls, however, took my advice and they all made a run for it. Julia squeezed in tight beside me, her arm around my waist as we braced against the howling southerly. It was cold, the rain coming in horizontally, the umbrellas buckling under the pressure.
The kids loved it; they splashed around, running themselves into the ground as they chased down the ball.
We were all ready for somewhere warm. “Come back to my place. Everybody can have a shower and get something to eat before going home,” Julia offered, and we accepted enthusiastically.
There was a constant flow of bodies in and out of the shower. I was lucky to have some spare work clothes in the back of the car.
Julia put on a big spread and the boys, especially, appreciated her generosity.
The mood wasn’t exactly party central, but it was a lot happier than earlier. Julia and I didn’t get any privacy to talk, but as we were heading out to the car, she said, “Would you like to come for dinner tonight?”
“Sounds great. Is that an open invitation for everyone?”
She shook her head slowly. “Actually, it was just for you. Amy is going with the girls for a sleepover. I thought you might like to keep me company.”
“I would love to.”
She nodded. “Sweet, come about seven.”
At home, the kids piled out of the car and zoomed inside. I could hear them all flooding Sierra with news of the day.
When I got in, she met me with a questioning glare. “Sounds like you guys had a real adventure today.”
“Yeah, the weather was bloody awful. Hope you didn’t mind me bringing Amy back with us.”
“No, it’s fine. I sort of expected it. Poor old Julia. She will be all alone.”
“Actually, she asked if I would like to go over for dinner.”
Sierra’s face changed. “Oh, I see. Dinner, huh? What did you say?”
“I said I would go around.”
I saw her eyes crinkle as she ruminated. “Were you intending on coming home?”
“Of course. It’s only dinner.”
In just those few words her demeanour changed. There was no hiding the animosity. “Famous last words,” she sneered. “I fucking knew it. This was your plan all along. You sabotaged our relationship just so you could be with her.”
“Sierra…”
“It’s all right, Reece. I get it.” She hissed in a rasp.
Later, I was getting dressed to leave. Sierra walked in behind me, her arms circling my waist. “My, my, you look nice. New shirt,” She pressed her nose against my neck, inhaling deeply. “Hmmmm, aftershave. I remember when you used to smother yourself in this when we were dating.”
“I had to impress you somehow. You had a swag of blokes chasing you.”
“I did not.” She spluttered in mock teasing.
“Oh yes you did. I was only one of many trying to win your charms.”
She sneered ruefully. “Well, you were the only one, that I was interested in. I knew the moment we met, you were the one for me.”
“Yeah, what about now?”
She sighed deeply. “You will always be in my heart. Always.”
“Sierra, I never planned this”
“Reece, I have always loved you. I also love our big family. I miss Patience every day. When we were at our lowest, I always had her to lean on for advice. She had the amazing knack of always making me feel better.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. This thing was all her idea.”
“No, it wasn’t just her idea, When she first raised it with me, I had already been thinking about it. She just had the courage to verbalise it, bring it out into the real world.”
“I miss her too, Sierra. Every day, in every way. And I think god for the time we had together.
“Tonight, you, getting all gussied up for your date.”
“Sierra, we are only friends.”
“Bullshit,” she sneered. “You have hundreds of friends, men and women. I have never known you once to put on aftershave.”
I winced at her words. “Don’t deny it. We are a family,” she said with the look of a stalking tiger.
Seeing the tight drawn expression, I smiled in an attempt to keep it light. “Are you jealous?”
“Yes, I am. What’s more. I’m pissed. Why couldn’t you just be honest with me?”
“I was serious when I said this wasn’t planned.”
“Liar.”
With a final kiss, she sauntered sexily from the room, even in her old track pants, her cute little butt wobbled erotically.
When I walked down into the dining room full of kids, all trying to talk at once, I became instantly filled with emotion. There was laughter and frivolity. I loved dinner at that big old table, the warmth was overpowering, as was the love. The kids had so easily blended. It was an amazing feeling knowing we had created this haven. There was a particular sense of spirituality, a feeling of safety. If anything, it empowered the kids to speak up, say whatever was on their minds.
I remember the first time, Autumn asked, “Mum, why did you sleep with, Reece, last night?”
Patience never even blinked, she just said, “Because I love him, because he is part of me.” It stopped the awkwardness immediately, and the changing feet in bedrooms was never questioned again. It was just an accepted part of our family life.
Sierra came over and gave me a kiss. “Have fun, just not too much, okay?”
“Message received.”
Julia met me at the door, looking spectacular. She had gone to a lot of trouble. Her hair was up in a frizzy bun, exposing her neck. The bodice of her deep green dress heaved as she met me, her breasts rising and falling as she panted breathlessly.
“Wow, you look gorgeous. Sensational actually.”
Her smile dissolved the clumsiness. “Thanks, Reece.” She grabbed the bottle of wine from my hands and led me into the kitchen. The dining table was set for two. Candles glimmered seductively. Music wafted around the room, creating a romantic setting.
I opened the wine, and Julia led us over to a small sofa under the window. “Dinner is still an hour away.”
“Sweet, we can talk. How was your day?”
“Fine, has Amy been behaving? I worry about her.”
“She was running around with the other kids. You needn’t worry when she’s at our place. She’s just like one of the family.”
“I know, right? It amazed me how well she fitted in. She’s not usually like that. Mostly, she’s reserved, shy.”
“I have seen that side of her, as well. I think she loves having the other kids around.”
“Yes, she does. I always felt a bit guilty her being an only child. She needed siblings.”
“Was there a reason for having only the one?”
“I guess, it was my relationship with Mark. Cracks were developing way back then. Amy was a difficult birth, and I hid behind that.”
“Sorry, I didn’t want to dredge up painful memories.”
“It’s fine, I love Amy, I’m just being silly.”
“You should be proud, she’s an amazing child.”
The evening moved easily. As always, the conversation flowed. There was lots of laughter, and the body language spoke volumes. Little arm rubs, a gentle prod after a playful tease. It was so nice to have a warm receptive ear. She listened, was non judgemental, made me laugh at myself.
It passed so quickly, and when I checked my watch, it was eleven. She caught me and said softly, “You are welcome to stay, you’ve had a bit to drink.”
“Julia, I’d love to stay, I think you know that, but I don’t want to put you in an awkward spot. You already said you didn’t want to be the other woman.”
She recoiled a little at the words. “This situation is a little different, Reece. Your marriage is so different to anything I ever imagined.”
“It’s still a marriage though, Julia. Legally at least.”
“I know that, I never expected anything.”
“You’ve been amazing, Julia. You gave me hope and made me look at myself. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t like what I saw. Tonight’s been incredible, and I don’t want to spoil that. I think I should go home, don’t you?”
“It’s your call, Reece. Just so you know. I’m a woman, I have needs. Just like you. I like sex, I like intimacy. If you did stay, there would be no strings attached, just two people enjoying a sexual liaison.”
“Bloody hell, Julia. Holy shit. You’re not making this easy.”
She laughed loudly. “I wasn’t trying to. I want to get laid, I’m fucking horny, Reece.”
I meant to just kiss her goodnight, then leave, but the moment our lips caressed, her tongue slid stealthily into my open mouth. It was all over. Any pretence that I was leaving evaporated, incinerated in a fiery burst of passion.
Her full breasts felt so good in my hands, the firm nipples digging into my palms as I massaged and caressed. So different to Sierra. Her breasts were smaller, firmer. Julia was full, overflowing. My breath came in short bursts, shallow and rough.
Her moans echoed around my head. Jesus, I wanted her so badly, and it was obvious from the way she ripped and tugged at my belt and zipper, she felt the same way.
It was right there on her squeaky sofa that our relationship took the next jump. Her pussy clasped and gripped me as I slid manfully into her silken sheath. Wet, juicy, the sounds of her furtive little moans as our skin slapped together, her fingers digging into my back and shoulders, her legs holding me tightly. Our kiss was hungry, wanton and unquenchable.
I felt her body jerking beneath me, trembling, her moans shorter, closer together, her hips thrusting up to meet every one of my quickening plunging stabs.
“Fuck.” I heard her growl softly, her face buried in my neck, her body shuddering. My own explosion wasn’t far behind, her lustful desires drove me onwards, my balls convulsing as the seemingly never ending stream of my spunk shot into her liquid pulsating core.
“Oh god.” She sighed as I collapsed on top of her. I was spent, exhausted.
“You can say that again,” I gasped, trying to express my elation. She giggled sexily, a sound that warmed my heart.
As she pushed me off, she breathed, “I’m ready for bed. Are you coming with me?”
“Try and stop me, but I can leave if you would prefer.”
“Leave, oh hell no. I was hoping you were just getting warmed up.”
What a night. I feasted at the altar of her body, her desire and needs driving me to new heights. It was nice when she finally crashed, her body snuggled close to mine, her head resting in the crook of my arm, her sexy little snorts.
I went to sleep a sated man. I thought the morning might be awkward, but her desires weren’t completely sated, and my morning wood was put to very good use.
Waking in at home, was the worst kind of walk of shame. Sierra knew. It was clear in her eyes, and there were tears. She tried to hide them, but that was impossible. Leif looked uncertain, almost trapped between saying you cheating bastard, and giving me a celebratory high five. He settled for something in the middle muttering, more I’m sure for Sierra’s benefit, “Idiot.”
“Fun night, was it?” Sierra finally got out, as she stared accusingly at me. The hug I knew was for the kids benefit.
“Yes, it was very pleasant. Unfortunately, I had to much to drink, and Julia let me sleep on the sofa.”
“That’s nice,” Sierra mumbled, unable to hide the bitterness.
It was mid afternoon when Julia turned up to pick up Amy. I felt sorry for her, which is why I offered to drop her off myself, to save Julia fronting.
I was in the middle of mowing the back lawn when she arrived.
I saw her anxiety as Sierra greeted her with a hug, and they vanished inside.
Sucking in a big breath, I puffed out my chest and walked in to try and soften the assault. Surprisingly, I found them at the dining table chatting. It only got awkward when I arrived.
“Are you all right, Julia?” I asked.
“Don’t be so dramatic, Reece. We are just chatting, comparing notes.” At that admission, Julia choked on her coffee.
“Right, I might get back to the lawns then.”
“Good idea,” Sierra threw at me, making it clear I wasn’t needed.
Amy rushed up to give me a big hug as they were leaving. I poked my head in the drivers window, as Julia headed away. “Everything all right?”
She sniggered playfully. “Oddly, yes. Everything is fine. Thank you by, the way, for last night. It was very pleasant. We will have to do it again.”
With a chuckle, I replied, “Absolutely.”
Dinner was strange. it felt like I was watching through an out of body experience. The kids went on and on about god knows what. Leif and I chatted about work, different jobs around the house we needed to get onto.
Sierra, quietly, deep in thought, just stared at us all, Joining in with little giggles of her own as the kids made silly jokes. Her eyes, though, told a different story.
Afterwards, Leif apologised, he had to get to bed early. He had a four o’clock start in the morning. He and Sierra shared a very passionate kiss, which the kids laughed at.
We all pitched in to clear the table and do dishes. Sierra and I worked side by side, with kids helping.
After we chased them off to bed, she sat with me, the lights down low, soft music playing softly in the background. “What happens now, Reece?”
“I don’t know, Sierra. I didn’t set out to go down that road.”
“Liar, you couldn’t lie straight in bed. This is what you wanted.”
“You’re wrong. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Let’s not forget, this was always your choice. I gave you every chance to save our marriage.”
She scowled darkly. “Reece, I never wanted to push you away. Now what hurts is the lies. No wonder you wouldn’t commit to our marriage; you already had one foot in her door.”
“Sierra, I’m not a cheater. I never lied. I didn’t know this was going to happen”
“Whatever, dude.”
“Sierra, I’m telling the truth.”
“Really… then tell me you don’t have feelings for her. Go on say it.”
Stuck, I couldn’t answer. All I could do was avert my eyes.. “Yeah, I bloody knew it.” She sighed painfully.
“What happens now, Reece? She isn’t going to be happy with an occasional shag. She’s going to want her man to live with her. She’s not going to put up with you living here.”
“Can we just take a breath. I made it abundantly clear that this was still my home. I don’t think you have to freak out like that.”
“We’ll see, dude. We’ll see. Mark my words, we will remember this conversation.”
Life became suddenly far more complex. Julia’s and my lunches, were now different. We had to find a little park where we could lunch in private, because now it wasn’t just lunch. Now it was filled with passionate kisses, caresses. Erotic and sexual undertones filtered through our daily interactions. It certainly wasn’t going to take long for word to get around, which was something I didn’t want.
Oxford is a small town, and this company was a big part of it. Her reputation would quickly go downhill.
Small rural mostly farming communities didn’t take well to women having affairs with married men.
My relationship with Sierra was becoming increasingly difficult. She tried to maintain this air of indifference, but I could see she was hurting. As much as it hurt, Julia and I were blossoming. It was way past a brief affair based on sex. We were spending an increasing amount of time together. We tried to keep it from the kids, I don’t know why. They were going to find out eventually anyway. Julia though, wanted to keep it to ourselves. I hate to describe Amy as a problem, because she was a beautiful little girl. I don’t mean that only in a physical sense, although she was going to grow into a beauty, just like her mother. What I meant was her inner beauty; she was a warm inviting totally accepting child, and we were already establishing a wonderful relationship.
The problem was with us. Julia wanted our relationship to grow slowly, she was scared if it failed, Amy would get hurt. That meant on nights when I stayed, we had to wait until Amy was sound asleep, and I left before the morning.
It was like a rock rolling down a hill. It was slow at first as it gathered momentum, but it was building fast.
It felt awful, but the only nights we got to spend an entire night together was when Amy stayed at our place, and thankfully that was happening a lot. Sierra, to her credit never complained once.
She never treated Amy any differently. When Julia came out to the house, she treated her respectfully, was always polite.
At one point, it looked like they might actually become friends. Now though, there was a civil, polite, almost distant relative feel to their relationship.
It was going to blow up in our faces at some point. You could just feel it.
The pressure released when Julia and I decided to take Amy into Orana Park for a day visit, and spend the night in a hotel. Amy surprised us when she asked if the girls could come with us.
Julia was a bit hesitant at first, but then relented. “It would be fun, and a good chance for me to get to know the girls a little better. We could make it a whole weekend, and go to Fairymead Sunday.”
“Sounds like fun. I’ll ask Sierra tonight.”
I figured Sierra would be happy. I wasn’t expecting any problems, although things had been cooler than usual between us. I put that down to the increasing amount of time I was spending at Julia’s.
I caught her alone preparing dinner, the kids were outside. She hadn’t said a single word to me since I got home from work. “Sierra, Julia and I are taking Amy to Christchurch for the weekend. She asked if Harmony and Autumn might like to come with us?”
She gave me the darkest glare. “And where would you be staying?”
“We’ve got a hotel booked.”
“So is this the big day, you’re going to tell the kids about your relationship. Fuck, you piss me off, Reece. Remember the song and dance you put on when I was going to stay with Leif’s parents? Jesus, you bloody hypocrite. It’s all right for you, isn’t it?”
“This is different. The kids know our relationship is over. The family knows that, as well. I’m free to have a relationship.”
“Oh yeah, you’re fucking free, all right. You planned that wonderfully didn’t you? I bloody hate you so much right now. You disgust me. You sabotaged our relationship just so you could move in with that fucking slut. You’re a bloody cheat and a liar.”
I could feel my own anger building; I knew I should keep my mouth shut but couldn’t. “I never planned that, I didn’t say or do anything with Julia until after our marriage failed.”
“Liar, you shitty liar. Our marriage never failed, you just stopped caring. I talked to Julia and she told me that you had already established an emotional connection from the moment she started working with you. At least she was honest. It was you who decided our marriage was over. I agreed to your terms. I agreed to cease any romantic connections with Leif. I surrendered everything and it still wasn’t enough. Now I know why. All you wanted was an out so you could be with her.”
“That’s fucking rich coming from you. God damn it. You were in his bed more than mine. You were fucking him even on nights you were supposed to be with me. You’re in no position to point the finger.”
“Fuck you, Reece, do what you want, but I expect you to be honest with the Kids.”
I walked away and called Julia. When I explained what happened, she was quick to say, “We will just go by ourselves. I don’t think we should make things worse.”
The girls became upset because Amy had already told them about the trip. They were pretty angry and blamed Sierra. That really set Sierra off. She yelled and screamed the bloody house down. The girls were so scared they locked themselves in their room. “Are you fucking happy now?” she shrieked at me. “Fuck you, Reece.”
After that it was cold around the house. Everybody walked on eggshells. The kids didn’t know what to do or say. Julia hated that Sierra and I were fighting, so it impacted on our relationship as well. When I asked if she would let me move in with her, she was shocked. “I couldn’t do that, Reece. I always said I wasn’t going to take you away from your family. I am not going to be responsible for breaking up your family.”
“Julia, when you and I started seeing each other I didn’t realise I was going to fall completely and totally head over heels in love with you, but that’s what happened. I love you, and I’m ready to commit. Sierra and I haven’t had a marriage for quite a while.”
“That may be so, but you are still a family, and you still love her. I’m not a fool, Reece. I see that.”
“I will always love her. She will always be part of my life in some way, but I love you.”
She grinned widely, my hand held tightly in hers. “I love you as well, but I’m not destroying what little remains of your family. I would sooner pack up and move.”
“Julia, this wouldn’t have to destroy the family. I could still do most things with them. Still spend every weekend with them. I still want to be part of their life.”
“No, I know the way this starts. Shit, it was like that with Mark. He promised to be part of Amy’s life. Now he never sees her. I couldn’t do that. I’ll not have that on my conscience.”
“Then what do we do?”
“I don’t know, Reece, but that is too extreme. What we have is amazing, and we can just take our time. Take little steps.”
“Yes, but it could be so much more. I hate creeping around in the dark, hiding what we have. I hate going home to a cold bed at night.”
She nodded, her smile warm and supportive. “I guess we start slowly. The kids are cleverer than you think. They already know we see each other. I think we slowly make it more obvious. We uncover it a little bit at a time.”
Sierra and I fought, we did nothing but fight. Nothing I did was right. If I breathed, she accused me of stealing her oxygen. Everything was an issue, and it drove me bananas. In the end, I decided it had to end. I was moving out. If Julia wouldn’t have me, then I would find somewhere else to live.
Sierra and I were in the middle of a bitter argument, when it just got too much. “I’m leaving,” “Sorry, but I can’t do this any more,” I blurted out.
“Oh yeah, moving in with fucking Julia are you?” she hissed sarcastically.
“No I’m not, actually. I did ask, but she won’t have anything to do with me moving out. By walking out, I might very well lose her as well. I just can’t carry on fighting with you every night.”
“What do you expect? We’re fighting because you lied to me. You purposefully undermined our marriage to be with her. Don’t expect me to be happy about it. You may as well move out, because you’re never bloody well here. Don’t think the kids haven’t noticed either.”
“I’m never here because I hate fighting with you. Everything I do or say is wrong, according to the book of Sierra.”
The room went quiet. Leif, who had just walked in, had been standing watching and listening quietly. His face was etched with pain, and he muttered, “This is your home as well, Reece. Nobody has to leave. You two just have to get your shit together.”
Sierra gave him the dirty look and walked away, snarling. “Should have guessed you’d be on his side.”
“I’m not taking sides, Sierra. I’m just as pissed at him as you are.”
“What have you got to be angry about?” I snapped back cynically. “Jesus, you’ve got what you wanted.”
He shook his head in bewilderment. “Sometimes, Reece, you are a dumb bastard. What do we have to be pissed at you for? Sierra’s right. You never committed to our relationship. You can be a jealous greedy prick. Everything has to be about you.”
“Fuck you,” I spat back.
“Reece, I do love you, but it killed me when you took Sierra away when I needed her most. I mean, how cruel could you be? I needed her. I was dying inside, and I just wanted some affection. How would have her spending the odd night with me have hurt your relationship?”
“Because I was left alone. You might have felt better, but I had to pick up your sadness.”
“This is what I don’t get. On one hand you can be so generous, so magnanimous. You are an enigma. You can be so selfless, you would give me the shirt off your back, but you wouldn’t spend a few night alone to help me out of the dark pit I was in. Fuck, bro, I was so close to topping myself.”
His words bit deep and I felt my face burning with shame.
“Reece, you were so wrapped up in your jealousy and greed. Sierra was part of my life, the four of us shared everything and you couldn’t even extend me that. Why, I just need to know why?”
“She was my wife. It was wrong.”
“How could love be wrong? Why was it so hard to share with me the one thing we both love?”
“I don’t know. Without Patience it was unbalanced, inequitable.”
“It wasn’t about the sex, you know that, right?”
“Of course it was about sex.”
“Okay, I got that wrong. What I should have said is, it wasn’t just about sex. When Patience and I met you guys, it was like, yes… We connected on so many levels. Sex is fun, but without love it means nothing. I wasn’t after sex. With Patience gone, I needed somebody to hold me, tell me it was going to be all right, somebody to keep me warm at night, to remind me life is going to be okay.”
He scowled deeply. “I love Sierra, just as much as you. If you had committed to that, we could have had a happy life. I wasn’t trying to take her away from you. I wasn’t trying to push you out. You’re my brother, my whanau.”
Sierra, who had been listening from the doorway, burst into tears and stomped away.
He waited until she was gone before saying. “Reece, I have another suggestion. Could the two of you live here, with us? You and Julia, could you do it? You could have your room. We would be two couples living together. Christ, at least that way the kids would get to see you every day. Things could go on as they are. You would be free. Would that work?”
His suggestion shocked me. Not something I had every thought about. “Mate, I think it’s more about whether Sierra could do it.”
“Bro, it’s her idea. We have talked about this a lot. She has been getting worried about the amount of time you are at Julia’s. There’s no bloody way I’d suggest this without talking to her first. I’m stupid, but I’m not crazy.”
Sierra came back, just in time to hear us laughing. “What are you two clowns laughing at?”
Leif stood up and slipped his arms around her. “Babe, I just ran your idea about Julia moving in here with us.”
Sierra’s eyes focused on mine. “And?”
“I only just told him. Let’s just say it caught him off guard.”
Her eyes hooded over, her intense stare burning into mine. “And?”
“Sierra, give me a chance to think about it.”
“Not half an hour ago, you told me you weren’t going to move in with her.”
“No, that’s not what I said. I told you she wouldn’t let me. She refused to be the reason our family broke up. She might be open to talking about this. I don’t know. If this is the way you’re gonna behave, then I don’t think it’s even worth talking about.”
“The way I behave…” she gasped. “Christ, what a laugh. You’re the lying piece of shit.”
I turned to Leif, who grimaced sharply. “I think that says it all. There’s no way I’m exposing Julia to this.”
I stormed off, leaving them staring after me.
The dinner table was unusually quiet. The kids were still angry with Sierra for not letting them go with Julia, Amy and I.
Afterwards, Lief gathered us together. “Reece, we’re both sorry about earlier. We want you to at least consider our suggestion.”
“Mate, I’m open to it, but only if it can be a peaceful atmosphere.”
I didn’t sleep that night, I kept going over the possibilities. It did solve my biggest problem: staying involved in the kids lives, seeing them every day. Would Julia go for it, or would she freak out? I was scared about suggesting it in case she hated the idea.
It was dangerous. If Sierra fired off at her the way she had me in private, I just knew Julia wouldn’t take it. She would probably want nothing more to do with me either. I guess it was one of those risk and reward scenario’s. After much contemplation, I decided it was worth it.
It still took me a few days, though, to build up the courage to talk to Julia
“How would you like to move in with me. Live as my wife?”
The gasp was loud. “Reece, I have already told you. I am not breaking up your family.”
“Julia, I’m not asking you to break it up. I’m asking you to become part of it. I want you to move in with me at the house.”
“What… Oh my god. What the hell would Sierra say?” I could see by the look on her face, she was horrified.
“This is Sierra’s idea. She suggested it. I told her I was moving out, and she suggested that rather than me move out. You move in”
“How would it work?” Before I could speak she gasped. “I’m not bloody swapping partners, Reece. I’m not into that.”
“Nobody expects that, including me. No, we would live as two separate couples, joined only by the kids. Amy loves staying out there, and she loves the kids.”
“Yes, that’s true, but what about us?”
“We would have what used to be Sierra’s and my room. We would be separate, completely autonomous.”
“God almighty. Do you think it could work?” I watched as her face went from laughter to disbelief. I felt a nervous twitch develop. This wasn’t the first time she had heard this…
“I don’t know,” I replied with a shrug. “Remember, this was Sierra’s idea, although I have given it a lot of thought. On so many levels, it makes sense. When we first bought the house, that’s how it was. We weren’t always tangled together.”
It took weeks to finally convince her. Leif and Sierra seemed pleased, although it was hard to read Sierra sometimes. We decided that it was time to unveil it with the kids. All of them. We invited Julia and Amy for dinner, and it was while we all congregated around the big table that we revealed our plan.
I expected some shock, some push backs. It turned out to be easier than planned. Amy was already close to the girls, the boys seemed neither here nor there. I think they were just glad that I wasn’t leaving.
They all gave out a collective sigh of relief, Hoping, I’m sure, that it would put an end to Sierra and me fighting all the time.
It was weird when she moved in. There were so many tense and awkward moments, like the first time Julia and I went off to bed together, leaving Leif and Sierra in the lounge.
The day we announced, we were painting our bedroom. I thought Sierra was going to burst. I watched sadly as she swallowed what was going to be an angry response.
It was later, when we were alone, she approached me. “Why do you want to paint?”
“Julia wants to make it feel like her room. I’m okay with it. I know we decorated that room together, but now it’s Julia’s and mine. I want to make her feel like she is home.”
She reluctantly agreed, but when we started the painting, Sierra joined in and helped. It was a bonding moment, in some ways.
That night, Once the bedroom door was shut, I pulled her into my arms and we kissed passionately. “Ooooh, you naughty man.” She giggled.
“Hah, you’re the naughty one. God, you are so beautiful.”
“Flatterer.” She laughed. “But don’t stop, I like it.”
Our lovemaking was frenetic. Julia, I think, was aroused by the situation.
It was the start of a happy period of my life. Julia and I were growing into our relationship. We were lovers, and it was a fire burning so brightly the fire brigade wouldn’t have been able to extinguish it if they tried.
I couldn’t get enough of her; she was a drug, and I her addict. Sierra focused on the gallery and classes. She now ran classes every other day, and the Gallery was full. Other local potters and artists filled it with work she sold on consignment.
It was so popular we discussed ways of improving it. The one we all agreed on was the inclusion of a cafe, but we couldn’t find a way to make it work. It meant taking on staff, a chef, kitchen staff, waiters. It was hard to get right.
Weekends were crazy: Running after the kids, especially when Autumn decided she wanted a pony. Doesn’t sound all that much, but the way it worked at our place, once one child had something, the others were soon close behind.
Autumn got her pony, and she did love it, but so did Harmony, so yep. We had to get a second. That was followed by a third, because Amy enjoyed riding the girls’ ones, and she soon wanted her own.
… If things weren’t hectic enough.
The boys, well, nobody gets something unless the others get something, as well. The boys, it was dirt bikes. Leif and I were both pretty excited, and I loved it. Seeing Zane cut lose on the trails up behind the property, he was a natural rider. A natural sportsman, full stop, he had great hand-eye coordination and moved with a feline grace.
Hawk, he was completely the opposite. He wasn’t a natural, but he was a hard worker, and if Zane thought he was going to win, well, Hawk had other ideas. What he lacked in natural ability, he made up for with daring and bravery. They battled hard.
It took more time: football or cricket Saturdays, pony club and motocross Sundays. We couldn’t do both. The pony club and motocross were miles apart.
Sierra had to keep the gallery open: Sundays were one of her best days. Leif wanted to go to the motocross, as did I. So when Julia volunteered to take over the pony club run. Leif and I were ecstatic.
Sierra was the only one who seemed displeased. I saw it on her face when Julia offered. She didn’t say anything, but I saw it, the tightening of her eyes, the square set of her jaw. Very unhappy.
It was a few days later when I got a chance to talk to her alone. “Why were you pissed off when Julia offered to look after the girls?”
She scowled, hesitated, before saying, “It’s wrong. She is worming and sleazing her way into their lives. Trying to push me out.”
“Rubbish, she is only trying to help.”
“I don’t think so, Reece. She was quick to push her way in, everybody was so appreciative. Like she was doing us a huge favour.”
“She bloody was. If she didn’t do it, you would have had to close the gallery.”
“I know, it doesn’t make sense. I should’ve been happy. Somehow, it just pisses me off, seeing Harmony and Autumn, especially, so full of her praises. It’s like she is taking over their lives. God, Autumn loves on her. I feel like I’m being replaced, damn it.”
“Yeah, well welcome to my world.”
She gave me a scathing look. “What the blue blazes are you talking about?”
“You now know how I felt when you chose to take Leif ‘s side when we disagreed, when you supported him over me. It bloody hurts, doesn’t it?”
Her look of complete astonishment surprised even me. The realisation sinking over her. “Oh god Reece…”
“Look Sierra, it’s in the past, but now you’ve had a dose of it. You need to move on. Julia’s not being malicious. She’s trying to help.”
“Yes, I know, it would be so much easier if she wasn’t so nice.”
“Piss off. She is nice.”
“I know, that’s what I mean. I want to hate her, but I can’t.”
“Why in the hell would you want to hate her?”
“Because she has you, dummy. I know you don’t believe me, but I still love you. I still want you, still need you. It’s the only reason I agreed to this stupid living arrangement. I wanted you close. I needed to hear your voice, see your face, feel you nearby.”
“You are a weird creature, Sierra, I wanted to be here, I gave you that chance.”
“I know, but I love Leif, as well. Deep down inside I knew how much you love me. I just hoped that it was enough to carry us through. I never thought you would leave or find somebody else. Never in a million years.”
“We are where we are because you wanted it. You should feel grateful that my partner loves our kids the way she does. Believe it or not, they love Julia, as well. She is good for them.”
“Yes, I know, doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.”
“Either get happy, or you are going to have a sorrowful life, because she’s not going anywhere.”
Whether Sierra liked it or not, Julia became an important cog of how our family unit survived. She picked up the kids from school when Sierra couldn’t. She took them to sports days, managed birthdays, cooked for us when the world got so busy we couldn’t keep up.
I loved having her here in my life. She helped me with household stuff, she was around, and warm and cuddly.
“God I love you,” I mumbled into the night air.
There was silence for a moment, but then, thankfully, she replied. “I love you too, Reece. I don’t know where I would be if you hadn’t come into my life.”
I rolled over enough so I could see her eyes. “I’m the lucky one, Julia, you are a special person. Taking on this crazy lot, and my twisted life. Most are disgusted by it.”
She giggled softly. “Truthfully, when I started at work and heard some of the gossip, I was horrified. I couldn’t quantify them. Once I got to know you a little, I wondered how any of that stuff could be true. I guess I was morbidly interested, a moth to the flame. Now, having met your family, I can understand. There is genuine love here in this house. I had to open my mind a little to see how it could work, but strangely, I am drawn into it, and it just seems natural now.”
Sierra’s gallery kept growing, it was now on most local tourist brochures as a must see. There were constant crowds. We did talk a little more about the cafe thing, but it sort of died out. At least in my mind.
It was whilst cleaning the bedroom that I found an exercise book, crammed full of financial workings, sketches, measurements and working descriptions of a cafe on the property. It was Julia’s writing. I knew it was hers. When I went over them, I realised she was interested.
I tackled her that night in bed. We were just cuddling and talking when I pulled the book out from under the pillow. “Care to explain this?” I whispered, trying to sound enthusiastic.
She snatched it from my hand. “That’s private.”
“Julia, I’m interested, not pissed off.”
Contrite, she whispered hesitantly. “I was just playing about’ it wasn’t serious.”
“Fibber, this is pretty serious stuff. There’s even some quotes in here from that coffee place, and a training course for becoming a qualified barista.”
“Okay, you got me. When Sierra mentioned about the coffee house, tearooms, whatever you want to call it, I became interested. It has always been my dream to run my own business.”
“I get that, it has popped up a couple of times when we talked. How would you afford it?”
She rolled towards me, her eyes suddenly bright, her tone effusive. “When Amy and I moved here, I rented. Mark gave me a settlement when he brought out my half of our property. I invested that money. I wasn’t sure we would like it here, which is why we never bought a place.”
“How much do you have to invest?”
“Three hundred thousand.”
“Shit, that’s a lot of cash. Where were you thinking of setting this up?”
“The old barn at the side of the house. We could seal the area in front, use it for parking, get cars off the street. If you were prepared to help, we could build an extension on the front, keep it in the style of the old hotel, make it look like it was always there.”
As she talked, she became even more animated; this really excited her. We talked long into the night, planning, writing down stuff, adding different ideas.
The next day after I got home from work, Julia and I walked through the old barn. Leif and I had done some work to make it weatherproof, and safe and dry for storage and workshop. He stored most of his tools and fencing gear in there.
We got the tape measure out and went over the dimensions. I was pacing out what Julia suggested as the new extension, when Sierra walked out. “What are you two up to?”
“Nothing.” Julia snapped quickly.
“Bullshit.” Sierra snorted. “You’re up to something.” Her face looked confused, she was definitely unsettled.
She tried again to get us to spill over dinner, but I rebuffed her attempts. Leif looked on interestedly, but said nothing.
In bed that night, I got my laptop out, and we put together a proper project plan.
There was one thing I needed to say, and it had been going round my head all day.
“Julia, this plan, if you wanted to go through with it, you would have to be here long hours.”
She nodded, gulped and whispered, “Yes, it’s true. It would be hard work and long hours.” Glancing at me, she said, “It would mean giving up my job.”
The silence that descended over us, lasted only seconds, but it felt much longer…
“Are you ready for that level of commitment?”
“Yes.” Her voice was tremulous and uncertain.
“Maybe I should put it a different way. Julia, if you are sure about this, then I am going to be a hundred percent behind you.”