The Internship

An adult stories – The Internship by Choppedliver,Choppedliver The Internship

Rambling notes:

I’m in the busiest time of year now. It’s tough to publish anything though I’ll try to keep a few coming. I’m catching up on the comments you’ve sent. This story is longish and a different style than most of what I’ver posted. The natural breaks didn’t lend themselves to dividing this into chapters. At least I don’t have to worry about forgetting to write “Chapter 1” again.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy.

The Internship

How had things gone from so perfect to so awful so quickly? Beth had hardly been home from college a week. She must be some sort of evil scientist to have changed the moods of so many in such a short amount of time. Mere days ago, she was attending college with her lifelong buddy turned high school sweetheart, Jim. They’d made plans to wed, plotting them out meticulously fueled by their high desire to be together. Graduation was great, coming home to their quaint town was even better. Now Beth lay on her childhood bed staring at the ceiling, scarcely able to believe she’d been home anywhere near long enough to ignite the firestorm she’d started.

Beth reviewed the mess she’d made. Her family were good hard-working people. They rooted for others and helped out whenever they could. Her family had deep roots in the land and the community. They saw the county as home, as did most of the old families there.

Two hours away the nearest city wasn’t seen as an enemy by the country folks, they just didn’t want to live the way the city folks did. They valued their simpler lives and straighter paths, working hard to make life in the country what they thought it should be. They wished good luck to those poor folks stuck in the city with no animosity, just a complete difference of opinion as to what to value. Folks from Beth’s hometown didn’t think about going to the city for recreation or shopping. Perhaps they’d go for some major event, but the reasons were few and far between.

Beth already had her life laid out; it was a life she designed. She and Jim had planned what they wanted for years and worked towards it. Now that they’d graduated from college, the plans they’d looked forward to for half their lives were about to take off soaring at breakneck speeds. Just ten days ago they’d both been giddily happy to be on the precipice of starting their life together. But when Beth arrived home, she found the offer of an internship at a prestigious firm in the city waiting in her mail.

Beth decided to take the opportunity, which set off a less than positive chain reaction. The worst of many less-than-ideal reactions was taking her faithful boyfriend, Jim, completely unawares. She hated that. She hated how she’d botched telling him more than anything.

Beth rolled over clenching her eyes shut hoping to stop the memory of that conversation playing out in her head. She didn’t know anyone in the city. God help her, she didn’t like the city either. She was going to be isolated there. Beth’s family and Jim had talked to her about it, at length. The problem was she’d started all those conversations by announcing not only the offer of the internship, which everyone was very impressed by, but also her decision to take it, which stunned everyone to the point of waxy paralysis.

Everyone tried to explain what going to the city now would mean. Her counter list was short, one sentence: she wanted to. Her family developed a long-involved list that seemed so imbued with import that it should have been written on a scroll. Its litany against taking the internship rode from inconvenient to practically crimes against humanity. That she countered with a lame, “It will look good on her résumé,” stunned those who cared about her as much as her decision to go. Hadn’t she heard a word they said?

They tried to understand, asking if she wanted to work in the city. She answered the same way she had all her life: “no”. They asked, “Don’t you want to come back to our hometown? There’s plenty of opportunity here.” She affirmed “yes” in the highest order. Which confused her family even more. While the offer of the internship was impressive, actually working there wouldn’t impress any employer in the county.

Living in their county and taking the internship in the city just didn’t mesh. Especially as it shredded the immediate plans to start her new life with Jim. A great many things needed to happen quickly to set Jim and Beth up for careers and their marriage. Those things were to happen this summer, but the internship lasted all summer, precluding everything planned. The difficulties didn’t end there.

Beth was happy to try something new. Most folks would agree with her, but the vast majority also agreed that nothing new they wanted to try was in the city. Beth didn’t see her time there as a lark, but as a grand adventure, though one no one could understand her reasoning: all the adventure was out here. There were lots of places they would understand putting plans on hold to experience, this wasn’t one of them.

Beth truly did love her hometown, the people in it, and their values, it was where she wanted to live. She kept restating that to the dismay of all she spoke to, as her new plan seemed contradictory to her long-term goals. Why go to the city? Whatever she learned there really wouldn’t help her here. The worst part was knowing they were right. At times Beth didn’t understand her drive to go herself. Especially when anyone pointed out she was putting off her marriage for an adventure without Jim. There were several sore points over that.

Jim had stopped talking about it publicly. He’d already discussed the matter with some of their friends and both of their families. When Beth didn’t change her mind, he clammed up. He didn’t know what to make of her apparent change of heart, but he wasn’t going to publicly undermine Beth. Whatever he said would color people’s attitudes, and he didn’t want trouble for Beth.

In private they spoke of it constantly. Beth felt terrible, Jim truly didn’t understand, like everyone else he couldn’t make sense of it. He felt personally rejected. How could she say she loved everything here including him, then scrap all their plans and put off what they’d eagerly anticipated – for an internship in the city? It was like earning a spot in the world series then deciding not to play. Beth knew Jim was completely dejected. She also knew he wouldn’t reveal that to anyone lest the concerned conversations towns folk were having with Beth would become negative. He’d even said, “If you’re leaving me, you can be honest with me. I still won’t let them hurt you.” Beth was amazed he still protected her while her actions hurt him. Oh, how she loved him! They scary part was even after assuring him she would never leave him; he was not reassured. Not one whit.

Beth stayed up at night unable to sleep, visualizing herself surrounded by the good people she knew, living her career, marrying her beau, raising her children, all in her beloved hometown. She wanted all those things just that way. So, why DID she want to go? It wasn’t for a résumé builder. Most likely she’d end up working for a company where she knew the owner’s kids as friends, where she’d been to the owner’s house for childhood sleepovers. Her insistence on the internship wouldn’t impress them, it would confuse them like everyone else. While she thought it was good to be able to compare different methods of doing things, she knew none of that rose to the level of what she was giving up or making Jim give up.

Beth tried again to reason it out. The offer was an unexpected windfall from a well thought of firm. The life she expected to live didn’t necessarily have to start right away. If she was ever going to do something like this, this was the best time. What made her groan aloud was making Jim live with the ramifications of her decision too. If she couldn’t explain why she wanted to take the internship, she couldn’t come close to explaining how she could possibly perpetrate this on Jim who wanted no part of it, and who gained absolutely nothing.

Seemingly the most obvious reason for taking the internship, and the most horrible, was that Beth didn’t want to marry Jim. A reason that Jim himself thought the most plausible. She tried to explain, but with no firm reasoning the best available reason was still that Beth may have fallen out of love with Jim.

And that set up the strangest twist of the entire story. Beth not only didn’t want to leave Jim; she wanted Jim to come along. When everyone, including Jim, looked horrified at that suggestion, she instead wanted him to visit her in the city every weekend. She assured him she needed him and would practically worship him as soon as he showed up. Jim tried to explain as gently as he could that simply because she was running off pell-mell and seemingly irresponsibly, didn’t mean he could.

In the end whether she was coming back to him or not, he had to establish himself in the work and social environment to start his life as an adult. Jim had worked hard to set up opportunities for himself that summer. There were traditions in their county, they might sound foolish, but summer was a time when county folks mixed, and socializing was at its highest pitch. Young men proved themselves during the summer. Jim and his family had labored for years to position him for this very time and had a done a superior job of it.

Going to the city every weekend was not only something Jim didn’t want to do but would preclude his own community-wide internship. His “internship” wasn’t a job or a single position, it was a veritable gauntlet he would run to be seen and graded on, it was a test of leadership.

Summer league sports were a county tradition. National sports were a distant after thought. Every man, woman, and child was an avid summer league fan. The games were more than they appeared. All the business and civic leaders attended, team captaincies were coveted, and several had been offered to Jim. He planned a whirlwind tour his first week back from college to determine which teams he would lead. That summerlong test of leadership would decide who offered him a job, and if he excelled, he could earn a better position. The practice wasn’t that odd, evolving out of barn raisings, harvests, and yields into sports and coaching. The trials now cloaked as games, were an apprenticeship to business. Widely watched not just by prospective employers and all the county’s citizens the “applicant’s” demeanor, problem solving skills, leadership, work group efficacy, and leadership by example would be on display. It was a big deal.

Yet Beth had not only told Jim to scrap the marriage plans they made together for the summer, but to scrap his personal plans as well, which would impact his career. Either alone was a major change, but Beth telling him she was going in a different direction instead of deciding the issue with him was the largest deviation of them all. This was the only major decision Jim could remember where the two of them didn’t talk it out together, deciding what was best for them as a couple. It was also the only time they disagreed on what was best for them as a couple.

Requesting Jim scrap his plans seemed an almost purposeful doubling down on the mayhem Beth had created. There appeared an obvious and ominous explanation for that request too: not only had Beth fallen out of love with Jim; she wanted to ruin him! Jim dared not fuel the fire by mentioning it publicly! Heartbroken, Beth knew Jim feared the terrible explanation was true, and that Beth simply hadn’t admitted it to herself yet. Even so, he still supported her publicly, all the while privately trying to make sure she understood what she was really doing and the impact it would have. To Beth it was another instance of Jim being heroic. He hadn’t put his foot down and told her she wasn’t going. He hadn’t told her the engagement was off. He tried to understand. What he didn’t have to tell her was she could alleviate all his fears by passing up the internship.

Besides hurting his career offers, Jim wasn’t happy about having to go to the city every weekend. There wasn’t anything in the city he wanted to do. Beth thought about his natural desires, proclivities, and talents. The answers forced her to close her eyes again. Jim was large, athletic, and in very good shape. He preferred playing to watching sports. All the leagues and the teams he was on or followed were based around his hometown. Having to go to the city to see Beth wouldn’t just disrupt his playing sports, it would preclude it.

Jim liked to drive enthusiastically and ride his motorcycle, things that were better enjoyed on a winding backroad as compared to a busy highway, or red light to red light. He liked hiking the mountains not beating his hooves in concrete canyons. The whole list was like that. Jim was made for wide open spaces and the great outdoors. The city would be a stultifying prison for him. Traveling there each weekend would completely disrupt how he lived.

Beth knew Jim was worried that the exact things he found disruptive seemed to be seducing to her. It was an obstacle they needed to overcome and weren’t. Beth agreed with everyone on one aspect: her decision to go to the city, putting off their plans and delaying their marriage, and asking Jim to undermine his future to see her each weekend was something she was “doing to him.” It seemed punitive and she knew he didn’t deserve it.

This summer Jim could rise and take the captaincy of some of those teams putting himself squarely in the headlights for full inspection. Why wasn’t she making plans to come home each weekend to watch Jim in his summer endeavors? After all, no one stood to benefit as much as her from his efforts. Beth even liked going to the games and she loved watching Jim. But she needed to do this, and she was going to need the reinforcement of seeing him to make it through. She hadn’t intended it, but unfortunately that meant Jim was going to have to give up being a captain, a goal he’d worked towards for years.

Beth cringed; the sacrifices all seemed to be one sided running against Jim. That he didn’t like her decision to go to the city in the first place was salt for the wounds. Beth could see too easily there really was no upside for Jim. At least not that he’d see now, she told herself. She’d made a decision everyone thought a bad one, wanting Jim there added a considerable penalty for him. Thus, compounding both a problem and a sore spot.

To her credit it was Beth who brought up the subject with Jim, “Jim, I didn’t count on all this impact on you. I know as your friend and prospective wife I should have. I want to apologize for the mess and ask you plainly how you feel about it.”

Jim was disturbed, just as he had been since finding out about the internship, “Beth, are you going to change your mind and cancel your internship?”

She cringed, “Jim, I really believe this is something I need to do. I know it doesn’t seem like it’s any good at all right now, but I’m convinced it will lead to a better life for us.”

Trying to be patient Jim couldn’t help raising an eyebrow, “I’d like you to explain how.” The most gut-wrenching aspect for Beth was that it was an honest missive – not a challenge. She had Jim floating in space.

She shook her head frenetically, a mannerism this misadventure had invented for her. “Jim, I wish I could. I can’t seem to completely form the idea in my head, little less put it into words. I end up talking around it instead of explained the core. I’m sorry, that’s frustrating for me too. I know you can articulate your feelings, but you’ve stopped, please share them with me.”

“If it won’t change anything, voicing my continued reservations seems like it will only make matters worse. I don’t want our differences to become entrenched.”

Beth swallowed involuntarily, that sounded bad. She was still looking expectantly at him though.

He continued, “We’ve gone from being a team to either or. You’re taking your shot, so it seems I need to shut up and get in line.”

Watching her beloved clam up, Beth reached out to him, “Please say it, Jim. On top of everything else I don’t want to force a gag order on you.”

Jim sighed sounding like he’d said the same thing a hundred times, “If you knew all those ramifications and you knew they were all bad, why did you make this decision in the first place? If you didn’t know them and you do now, why won’t you change your mind? If you still won’t change your mind about the internship, why won’t you come home to see me instead of costing me my “social internship” which has a direct impact on my eventual job which will finance our life together.”

Beth nodded slowly agreeing with his concerns, “Those are all worthy objections. But I sense more. Please put it out there. I used to be able to read you like a book,” she shifted her eyes to the floor, “but I’ve caused changes that are impacting us in every direction. I think it’s best if we put our cards on the table.” She saw a shadow cross his face. “Jim what is it?” Beth said loudly with genuine concern that startled, then confused him.

Jim sighed loudly, “I’m sorry, but you asked. I don’t get it! If you see all these unexpected changes, none of which I like and all of which worry me, why won’t you take steps to fix them? If you see that you’re doing things that concern me, why do you keep doing them? It kind of seems like you have a vendetta against me. You mentioned putting our cards on the table, I wish you would. Are you leaving me? It’s the constant chord that makes some sense of this mess.”

Beth’s head dropped. That was all information she needed to take action on! Beth was glad she asked, but staggered at the impact she hadn’t thought through, and the depth to which it bit him.

Jim could see her misery, in a strange way that showed him that at least she still cared.

“Jim, I’m hoping this internship will help me be able to explain myself and clarify my thoughts. I’m not going merely to pick up some business tips. I feel like I’m not up to standard. There’s a lot about this trip I don’t like and that’s WHY I feel I need to do it, to face that feeling down. Jim, I don’t understand it all yet, but I can promise you everything I’m trying to do is to make me a better mate for you. Jim, YOU are the best part of me! I know this is causing some chaos. I know it’s messing up plans we already have. If you’re worried that we haven’t made new ones that’s because I don’t think we have to. We can just push back the ones we have.”

Jim’s brow creased, “But Beth you’re going to be gone. I don’t even know if it’s for four months or six. You haven’t told me if you will accept their two-month offered extension. And how will my getting a lesser job help us?”

“Jim, jobs are jobs, they’re very important, but I feel like I need to do this to be the mate you deserve. That seems a whole lot more important to me.” Beth closed her eyes grunting in frustration, “I know, I know, I feel it too. That’s nowhere near a good enough answer! My inability to give you a good enough answer is something I hope to change with this trip. I’ll have plenty of time to figure it out at night. But Jim, this is a test for me, one I don’t understand. I’m bitterly sorry I’ve made it a trial for you. I know this next statement will sound contradictory, but I assure you that I don’t have one foot out the door by going away. The last thing I want is to be parted from you for any amount of time. I’m doing this precisely because what I want most is to be with you forever.”

Jim didn’t say anything. Eventually Beth broke the silence, “Please Jim, say what’s on your mind.”

“Beth, I did. I said what was worrying me. But you won’t change it, and damn it, you’re the one that created it all. So, what am I supposed to do? It’s just as I said before. We used to be “us”. We planned everything together, then this internship came up and you told me the way it was going to be, and we haven’t been US ever since. You say you don’t have one foot out of our relationship except the first salvo in this thing broke us into Beth and Jim, which to me IS one foot out the door. Now you want me to take a leap of faith that it won’t affect us in the long run when I already see catastrophic damage in the present. You, however, won’t take any step to stop the pain or the problems. It’s all on me to keep any vestige of our being a team alive. So, it’s as I said. You are making all the decisions for us now, and all I can do is have faith in you and support you. One of us has to shut up and get in line. And that’s clearly me. so…”

Jim shut up.

Beth hugged him, “I love you for having faith in me. I won’t let you down. I love you Jim, more than anything. I’ll show you. But I have to figure this out. I’m clinging to you as desperately as I’m motivated to figure this out.”

Beth said one more thing with her face pressed into Jim’s chest. I’m sorry about all the trouble and all the disadvantage I’m causing you. I really am.”

Jim held her tight. She’d pledged herself to him again, which she was surprised to find he’d needed her to do. She’d caused him a world of trouble and she hadn’t alleviated one spec of it. She was going on a mystery tour which he didn’t find magical at all, and he was facing certain disadvantage because of it. It’s like she’d pushed him into a river with a tall waterfall. He’d asked her to pull him back out. Instead, she pushed him in farther to where the falls were a certainty. Beth wondered if all she had accomplished in Jim’s mind was to say as he headed for the drop, “Have a nice trip.”

* * * * * *

Beth’s internship didn’t really hurt anyone except her boyfriend, and there were significant disadvantages for Jim. The other cringeworthy aspect was the degree of disadvantage. Both their families thought it more than significant enough to not only preclude Beth’s going but even wanting to go. This wasn’t a small matter.

They were astounded when she still wanted to go. All that held a collective conniption in check was Beth making it clear that if Jim said “no” she wouldn’t go.

Beth shook her head wondering why she wanted to do this. That bothered Beth immensely. For some time now Belt felt like life controlled her. It wasn’t that she didn’t like where it was pointed. She not only loved Jim; he was quite the catch. Jim was an extremely eligible bachelor. Though he wasn’t eligible: Jim had considered Beth and him a couple for years now. He was nuts about her, and she thought Jim hung the moon.

If the internship wasn’t a great fit for the career path she wanted to follow, she wouldn’t consider this. Beth didn’t like the city, and she wasn’t good being alone. But she wanted to learn self-control. She wanted to fight her fear of loneliness, of feeling like she wasn’t that important judged on her own. She wanted to learn how to finally captain the ship named Beth. This internship put her fears front and center, and dammit, the offer was right there for the taking. She thought new life skills would give her a significant step up on the career and life she wanted to pursue back in her hometown, where she longed to be, surrounded by her friends and family. So, this really was the perfect time to do it.

Beth closed her eyes, it was a great opportunity except for her Jim. They’d been great friends before high school, went steady there, eventually becoming lovers and mates, with a strong love and an expectation of life together that defined them both. They fit hand in glove. This was the first time she’d done something that wasn’t completely simpatico with Jim. They’d seemed true counterparts.

This wasn’t just a hiccup though. They viewed everything the same until the internship, and then they didn’t see eye to eye at all. It was worse than that. They talked about everything until Beth hadn’t given Jim a chance to talk. Instead, she logged his objections after she told him she’d gotten an offer and was taking it. She hadn’t meant to blindside him like that. Worse, Jim still hadn’t gotten past her unexpected broadside. He still asked why she’d done that way instead of talking it through with him. Beth couldn’t even answer that question to herself.

Jim had taken it as a decision against him. It had taken Beth long hours to try to convince him it wasn’t an actual repudiation. She didn’t like where they’d landed. But she still wanted to explore this opportunity.

She’d wanted their life together to start as badly as he had, then she’d gotten the offer of the internship. If she was taking the internship and pushing off their marriage to do it, it certainly seemed like she thought the internship was more important than her marriage. Some posited at least marriage to Jim. Beth caught herself biting her knuckle.

Jim could have kept part of their original plan and asked her to marry him before she went on her internship. He hadn’t. Hell, it would take him a lot longer to pay off the ring if he missed his “social internship” and got a lesser job. Although Jim was taking a leap of faith in her by standing aside and letting her go. When the proposal didn’t come at the preplanned time, she mentioned it to her mother.

Her mother had looked at her gently, but said firmly, “You had to expect that. What man wants to put all of his worth, including his heart, on the table for the woman he loves only to have her take it with her as she skips off out of town, leaving him behind with a ton of trouble she’s made for him?”

She saw the hurt on her daughter.

Wounded Beth fired back, “I’d never…”

Her mother cut her off, “Yet you are.”

Beth’s voice grew small as she stared at the floor, “I didn’t want this to be so controversial.”

Beth saw her mother didn’t know what to think as she talked to her in a comforting mothering way, “Baby, you and Jim were two peas in a pod. For years you were of a single mind and then this internship comes up and you just decided to take it. Out of the blue you told him you were changing everything. Then you countered instead of considered his concerns. It was the complete opposite of anything he expected.

“If it wasn’t bad enough removing yourself from his daily life in a way he hasn’t known in years, you did it in a way that delays his proposal while forcing him to wonder if you truly want his ring.”

Beth shook her head vigorously, “But Mom, it will help me get the job I want.”

Beth couldn’t miss her mother’s look of concern, she thought Beth was missing the point and wondering if she was doing it on purpose.

“Yes, and that would be laudable, except you told your father and me, and most of all your Jim, that you only planned to work a few years to build up a small nest egg, before wanting to quit to raise children full time. You already had the job of Jim’s wife locked down; now Jim must be wondering what job is more important than being his wife and mother of your children. See? Not much of his planned future is left. He’s floating in outer space.”

Now Beth’s mother was studying her for signs of something hidden beneath the surface. Her lips pulled back matching the squint in her eyes to form a worried gesture, “Your plan removes you from Jim’s life right at the time you told him you’d join your lives together. Couple that with entirely cutting him out of your decision, and you must see that he’s no longer sure where he stands.”

Now her mother’s scrutiny took on a whole new level, “But, Beth,” she sighed, “you also want him to stop his plans. I don’t understand that at all, Elizabeth. You want your internship to help you get a job you say you only want for a few years, but at the same time you derail the activities that will help your future husband set up a career that will provide for your family the rest of your lives. How does that make sense?”

Beth felt ill, definitely strained, and completely unable to defend herself. She relied on honesty, “I-I need Jim, especially if I’m away. It’s tough for me to go to the city. I can’t do it without him. If all his weekends are taken, I’ll be alone the entire time.”

Beth’s mother was trying to comfort her while looking at her daughter like she had two heads. Beth felt the anxiety she’d been fighting welling up again. She was like a small boat at sea with the wind was coming up. The boat was spinning, and the waves were rising. She was out of control and had no idea what to do, she had nothing of substance to cling to. She reminded herself THAT feeling was exactly what she wanted to destroy. And if she could do that, she could be a good wife to Jim!

Her mother had been watching her fight her fears. She wasn’t sure what she had witnessed. She spoke softly yet firmly to her precious daughter.

“It would seem to make more sense to stay here with Jim and keep to the plans you’ve made.” She paused to let that message sink in.

“Beth, those sports teams may seem like men playing little boy games, but the captaincy is a big deal that folds over into the workplace too. Everyone knows everyone here, and they are good folks. Church leagues and summer leagues fold right into the workplace. We’re all interwoven, and we take on different jobs in those different interactions. But honey, Jim can be a leader. He’s a leader now, even at his young age. He looks out for others, pointing them in the right direction. He helps them become better.

“The entire county watches those summer leagues. The entire county should be watching Jim. In effect it’s the most open, most watched, most grueling job interview in the land. Beth, maybe we perform different functions inside those different groups but typically the leaders still lead. If he’s earned the captaincy that’s about a third of the battle. That, hard work, and honor and put him in position to lead his players to higher heights. If he can do that, he can do the same for his coworkers and possibly the same for the county one day. THAT’s what’s at stake. Will the county be able to watch Jim take on that responsibility and prove his worth, or not.”

Her mother paused to make sure Beth was following her. “From a very young age two things have shown through as part of Jim. First, while he’s physically big and tough, he’s also considerate and empathetic, but he doesn’t give in to vagaries of weakness. He wouldn’t give a man with a drinking problem hair of the dog so he could maintain. Jim would find him real and substantive help. Every community needs people like that. Jim has always been that boy. Now the community is watching and he’s about to take the mantle as a man with the same qualities. I don’t know if he’ll ever run for county commisioner, but one day he will be a pillar of the community. And these silly games are an expected steppingstone, his final apprenticeship so to speak.”

Beth’s mother was careful about how she said the next part, “Beth, the second thing that shone through in Jim was an abiding consideration, which has grown into a strong love, for you. What you’ve done is pit the two most defining parts of Jim against each other. Don’t you see that? Jim helps people, if you have a problem and won’t talk to your father or me, I’m sure you could tell Jim. There’s no one he would want to help as much as you. Instead, you’ve confounded him, made the rock under his feet into mud. He doesn’t know how to help you because deep down he fears what’s bothering you is not wanting him.”

Beth’s eyes bugged in their sockets, “Oh no Mamma, no. I love Jim! I swear but I need to be his helpmate. Don’t you see? That’s exactly the problem. I need to be stronger and better, more self-reliant because I need to be strong for Jim when he’s weak from helping others. He can’t help the whole world and then come home still having to help me too.”

Beth’s mother thought she’d just heard an interesting revelation; she studied her daughter more closely now, hoping she could help alter this dreadful situation. “Beth, turn that sentiment around. You’ve made it so Jim can help the whole world but not the person he loves the most. That sounds like some sort of curse. He would love helping you!”

Beth was suddenly close to crying, “I only want to be strong for him!”

“So strong you pull away? Doesn’t that defeat your logic of being there for him when he needs someone to take care of him for a change?”

Beth felt ill again.

“Beth, Jim was expected to take the captaincy of these summer teams because that’s been a time-honored tradition in our county. He’s worked hard, groomed himself for years as a boy, to be voted captain. He has a good head on his shoulders and folks look up to him as a leader. If he takes the helm and if he leads like I know he can, that reputation will follow him to work. He’ll get more and better job offers at the end of the summer and faster promotions once he’s chosen his company. He’ll get better work groups. Life will be better and more interesting, and he’ll be more effective. There’s no downside.

“He’s worked hard to merit to this last public interview. If he does as well as his talents allow, he’ll be on a fast track and help keep this county a prosperous place to live. But if he can’t take the chance he’s earned, not only will he have thrown away all his diligent work to date, but his career path will be altered. The position he should have gotten will go to whatever captain proves themselves this summer. Jim’s route will be much more circuitous and tough.

“He’ll be put wherever he fits as opposed to being put where his skills can be best leveraged to produce the greatest results. He won’t be in apposition to use his natural talents as much, because someone else won the straighter course. He’ll have to fight much harder to rise each rung on the ladder and may always be a mismatch with his assignments. None of which will help your family. Frankly, the detriment seems to far outweigh any advantage from your internship.

“Look child, it’s not that what you’re doing is wrong. We’re proud you got that offer, but taking it seems contrary to everything we’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. And that has people worried. They aren’t sure what you want now.”

“You too, Mom?”

“Frankly yes. I could be convinced about your internship if you weren’t insisting that Jim, in effect, give up his. And that’s who you need to be worried about: Jim. He’s seeing his whole life fall off a cliff. He’s spent his entire life to this point trying to reach the next three milestones: capturing a captaincy, which should lead to capturing a good job, which will make him a good provider – for you. He’s reached the point where it all begins to pay off. Now that previously fixed point is moving. Everything is in jeopardy: community, work, family, love, you. He was about to have it all after striving to earn it for years. Now the brass ring is disappearing. And it’s not just socially and work wise. His own sense of pride and accomplishment is endangered. It’s all about you, honey, nothing is more important to Jim than you.

“Don’t you see, Beth? It seems like you no longer want anything you two planned. You are leaving him behind to go to the city, he fears figuratively as well as literally. He must be worried you don’t want him.”

“Oh mamma!”

“I’m sure you’ve figured out you’ve delayed his proposal. He spoke to your father and me, he had a plan to propose, he let it go. He’s hoping he has a chance to ask you in the future. What’s most important to him is in flux, and all because of an internship? That doesn’t add to many of us, especially Jim. And you’re only upset by it now? Why didn’t you see this life changing trajectory months ago? That has me worried, and probably has your young man tied up in knots.

“Now let’s look at the worst case. You put a job over starting your life with Jim. Is a job more important than the man you said you loved? That’s where the confusion crushes him. A few months ago, you only wanted to work a few years anyway and Jim was the center of your universe. Now the job’s more important? If things have changed that much, do you still want him at all? Those questions are inescapable for him. They must be driving him mad. You used to discuss everything with him, now you’ve changed course completely and he says you haven’t explained why you’ve made the change. What would cause you to change your mind about, Jim? The answer seems obvious while asking a new question. What made you stop loving Jim?”

Beth was horrified, “No! I didn’t!”

“Stop it, Beth. If you understand your own reasons, you haven’t explained them to any of us. Think like Jim does for a moment. You used to talk all the time. Why can’t you anymore? You two always used to think alike, but no more. Don’t you think that’s cause for worry?

“Now you want to leave town and want him to go to the city every weekend to see you. That will cost him all those activities where folks wanted to watch and evaluate him. He’ll lose the advantage he’s worked for and earned. He will lose what should be his position in town. He’s a quality man, he’ll reclaim it eventually, but it will take longer. But much of his effort to this point will be lost. And if things playout in accordance with your sudden change, he’ll lose all that, just to have you sever your relationship with him. Where will he be then? Sitting on the outside of his own life that should have been.

“Oh Mom, I didn’t think of that.”

“I know it’s late in the game Beth, but what about the internship?”

“But Mom if I’m ever going to do it …”

Her mother frowned, “I know Beth, but no one can figure out why you’d even want to. Don’t get me wrong, lots of folks love to work in cities. But we have a different way here and you were raised our way. You always said you liked our way and agreed with it. Now it seems like you’re rejecting it all. Don’t you think that’s odd enough to worry about?”

Tears streamed from Beth’s eyes. “I’m not rejecting it, I love it, but I don’t feel like I’ve earned it! Especially Jim. He’s the most eligible young man in the county, but he’s not eligible because he wants me. I don’t feel like I’m worth it, I don’t feel like I’m up to it. I feel like I have to face my inadequacy head on. I must go to the city and be alone for much of it. I’m not doing it because I want it, but because I don’t want it. It terrifies me in many ways. But I need to earn him! I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to saddle him with dead weight that will hold him back. Oh, Mamma can’t you understand?”

Her mother came to her and hugged her. “I think I’m beginning to. Forgive me for being so hard on you. You needed to be focused. I knew you could take it, that should tell you something about your resiliency Beth. Where has this idea of not being good enough come from?

“Mom,” Beth wiped her eyes with the back of her arm. “I’m not criticizing Jim. He has great ideas but over the last two years he has come into his own as a leader. I’m very proud of that, but as he has become a great leader, I have become a consummate follower. I think his ideas are better sorted than mine, even when we think alike. I found I was growing lazy just letting him do the thinking and I’d follow along. He wants more than a puppy, Mom. He’s going to be busy, and he deserves to have someone who can be an ally. Soon I’ll be little more than someone to fetch the paper and bring his slippers. Mom, I’m terrified Jim isn’t going to put up with that, he’s going to be bored by that. I’ve never been that before and he expects and needs more. He hasn’t noticed how … lazy I’ve gotten because he’s been so focused. Momma, I’ve had tremendous difficulty pulling it together. As I reassert myself, it’s accompanied by crippling fear that I can’t be what he needs. I think I’m going crazy.

“Mamma, this is as far as I’ve been able to think this through, you did focus me. I feel a bit better now that some of it has crystalized.”

Her mother looked worried, “Okay Beth, I understand what you’ve said. I’d say its overblown except for that part about crippling fear. That’s something that must be overcome. In the meantime, you’ve been pushing Jim away.”

“I don’t mean to, Mamma. If he says I can’t go, I’m going to cave. So far, the farthest he’s gone is saying he doesn’t want me to go, but that’s an implicit statement that I’m going. I’m walking a tight rope.”

Beth’s mother caressed her daughter’s hair as she pulled her int for a hug, “I don’t trust manipulating words around the man you love. You’re scared to tell him what we just discussed because he will think he’s serving you best by telling you not to go and you’ll trot right along doggystyle.”

Both ladies clamed up looking nervous “I-I meant puppy dog…”

“I understand, Mom,” Beth hurried. She and her mother both blushed furiously.

They women looked at each other for a while before Beth’s mother spoke, “This is a tough one. I’m sure Jim thinks you don’t want him.”

Beth made a sound like shed been punched in the stomach. “Oh Mamma, have I already lost him?”

She took her head. “He values you more than anything, more than his destiny as a leader of this community. You told him what you wanted, and what you were going to do. He’s responded by doing his darndest to help you, even if he doesn’t understand and fears you’ll leave him anyway.

“Beth, I got into you because I was hoping there was still time to right what most of us see as a wrong. Except what you’ve just told me paints matters in a different light. You need to know Jim went around this week and told the other players and coaches that you had to pursue this great opportunity. He told them he the was proud of you and was backing you, which unfortunately that meant weekends away. So, he was relinquishing his spot on the teams. He didn’t think a part-time player would be effective, especially as captain, and that a full-time player deserved the chance — and his roster spot.”

Beth’s eyes bulged.

“The good news is he chose you, even though he feels you’re rejecting him. But I think all the elasticity is out of him now. I don’t know what snaps the string, just that it’s close to snapping. He’s all in on you Beth, he sold them a narrative about you that they could understand and wouldn’t question, while hiding that you’ve not convinced him. He put you above himself and let them know that’s the way it was. Then he put them above him telling them that the idea of a part time captain was ludicrous. A team is a team and there’s nothing part-time about it. In effect, he defined everything they wanted to see by watching him this summer, while telling them he wasn’t going to play. They needed to see him walk the walk of a leader. Instead, they’re seeing him walk the walk of a loving husband. He’s given up everything he’s worked for, hoping he still gets to live that part.”

“Gosh Mamma, that’s awful,” Beth felt like she was falling.

“It’s not great, but you really don’t see the obvious anymore. He threw all those years of working to be the captain, of all those summer league teams, away to back you. He told them he was proud of you, and he is.”

“But Mamma, he isn’t. He can’t figure out why I’m doing this. He doesn’t know what to make of it, or how to feel, but it isn’t pride.”

“I’m not sure anyone has figured out why you are pushing this, but he has faith in you. And you’re wrong, he is proud of you. He dropped things he enjoyed and the opportunity and accolades he’d worked hard to earn, to back you. You have a very dedicated man there. You mustn’t lose sight of that, just like he said: he’s on your team full time.”

“Oh momma, thank you!”

“Wait, there’s one last aspect.” Beth’s mother looked worried, “Child, what’s wrong with you? He is on your side, on your team as much as he can figure out how to be in the world you’ve pushed him into. But by taking this internship, by asking him to give all that up, by moving away, and delaying your betrothal, which also means delaying your marriage if you haven’t figured that out too…”

“Yes momma? If he would have asked me for my hand, I’d have said yes. Frankly, I’d much rather go a betrothed woman.”

Beth’s mother couldn’t help but shake her head, “Well, after all I described, you know he’s on your team. But dammit Beth, it doesn’t sound like you’re on his team, does it?”

Beth’s mouth dropped open.

“Your internship is set for four months, renewable for another two months after, and you’ve made everybody think that you’re planning on being away for the entire six. In fact, I believe that myself. I’ll tell you the truth honey. Your boyfriend isn’t the only one asking the question of what they could possibly do differently in the city that you couldn’t learn in two weeks. To be away for six months seems like you’re not excited about the life Jim was eager to jump into. He’s thinking if you want to forestall that life, that maybe you’re not excited by it, or maybe by him personally.”

Now her mother was comforting and reinforcing while trying to be convincing, “Beth honey, I promise to let it play out the way you want. But I’d really like to help you figure out a better way to do it… if you are throwing Jim away.” Her mother was heartbroken just to say the words.

“No Mamma, I’m not!” Beth was white as a sheet at the thought.

Beth’s mother swallowed hard to displace the lump in her throat, “It certainly has that written all over it, baby. If you don’t love him, your father and I can help you fix things. There are just better ways of letting him go than this.” She paused not wanting to ask the question, “Really Beth, are you trying to drive him away?”

Beth fell off her chair, her face frozen in complete horror. She put her hands over her face to hide from the ghastly picture her mother had painted for her. Her mother was to her instantly clutching Beth to her tightly.

Beth choked out “Have I been that bad? I love him. I swear I love him. Something may be off, but it’s with me not him. I-I truly think more of him than I do myself, Mamma. That’s why I have to go! I have to earn him! I have to!”

“There, there, Beth. There, there. I had to make sure. We are putting poor Jim through the ringer. You had a wonderful life ahead of you and I’m not sure that life is completely intact anymore. So, I had to be sure myself. It’s all going to be alright. I’ll explain as much as I can to your father. I’ll tell him you still want a life with Jim. Beth, I know you’re in a tough spot, but you simply must make Jim understand before you go! Because try as he might, he thinks you’re leaving him.”

Beth felt a different sort of horror, “Then why is he giving everything up?”

“Because he loves you!”

“And he doesn’t see me giving up the internship. He thinks I’m just taking and not giving.” She felt faint.

Her mother wrapped her in her arms. “If you can’t tell him this is all about earning him, you must convince him that you love him and would never leave him, even though you’re leaving town for a short time. You’re taking his destiny and his pride away with you. If can’t convince him you’re his forever before you leave, you’ll return to find Jim a shell of what you left behind. That’s not all Beth. Eventually some other girl will finally convince him to let her nurse his broken heart back to health. Surely, she’ll think she’s the luckiest gal in the county when she does. She won’t be wrong.”

* * * * * *

Fourteen and A Half Weeks into The Internship

Beth wrapped herself tightly in an extra blanket. She wasn’t sure if it was for protection or to protect the world from her, she saw herself as diseased. It wasn’t cold, yet despite the blanket she was shivering. She sat on the couch in her apartment’s open kitchen living room area. She alternated between staring at the ceiling and staring at the wall. She saw neither.

Beth was immersed in waves of thought and emotions, they tossed her like a small boat near jagged rocks, ‘Sex without love is a completely new concept for me, and something I’d never do. Except I’m doing it. And I have to stop before it becomes more. The only thing I can imagine more terrible than what I’ve done, is doing it with feelings for anyone other than Jim.’

‘Everything I’ve done that isn’t me, has reaffirmed that I want to be me, and not a person that does what I’m doing.’

Beth put her head in her hands. A pose she was in when Marcus came walking, fully dressed again, out of her bedroom. As was his casually happy norm, he traveled unperturbed into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and took out some eggs ready to cook them. She didn’t dare look up at him. It was obvious that he knew his way around her kitchen as intimately as he did her bedroom. He’d been coming here regularly as friend for a month. Things had changed drastically over the last ten days. As he stood from stooping to fish out a frying pan from a lower cubby, he finally saw her. He put the pan down immediately saying, “Wow babe, what’s going on?”

It seemed to him it took her half of forever to look back at him, “Marcus, what am I doing?”

Befuddled though suddenly well aware he wasn’t on the same page, he answered cheerfully, “It looks very much like you have your head in your hands because it’s holding up the weight of the world.”

“That obvious, eh?”

“Yeah,” he studied her for a moment before deciding to put the eggs back in the refrigerator and set the coffee machine to make two large cups. He inquired, “What is it, babe?”

Beth shook her head confused, “Marcus, you’re one of the easiest people to talk to I’ve ever met. That’s because most things just roll right off your shoulders. You’re okay with a lot of stuff, a lot more stuff than I’ve been okay with in the past. A helluva lot more stuff than either my parents or boyfriend would be okay with! Before you say anything about that, their having made and paid for hard decisions in life, trying to make themselves better people, are part of what I really like and admire about them.”

Marcus saw in her eyes that they wouldn’t be happy about him. He nodded, there were probably several reasons they wouldn’t like him, chief among them what had occurred in Beth’s bedroom last night.

She laughed hoarsely, “Work has me wrapped around the axle, though I find refuge there doing my assignments. It’s one of the only places I find any peace. It’s also the reason I came here. That decision created issues, issues that still haven’t been resolved, and have now become a death spiral.”

Beth’s eyes told several tales. She was embarrassed. She was ashamed! She was sorry to hit him with this. And she was just plain sorry, no, she was sorrowful.

“It’s not just about you, but a lot of the spiral is centered around you.” Beth stared at Marcus unblinkingly for an unnaturally long time. She liked him, but how had this happened?

Beth broke the silence saying, “There are obvious differences that I am at a bit of a loss to explain myself. Differences that my parents aren’t going to let me say, “he was simply a nice guy that I met,” and leave it at that. In fact, in a circumstance like this they would never ever let me say something like that and leave it alone. Marcus, the differences you may notice first aren’t the main ones. Not even for my parents. Which actually kind of sums up the maelstrom in my own head, except for the fact that I know there must be a lot more to it as well.”

Marcus knew enough to stay quiet. Beth hadn’t said enough for him to know how to approach the problem, though he thought he knew the big one. He let Beth lead. He found her a gentle soul. He liked her a lot, and frankly wanted to protect the poor girl. She’d seemed on the verge of tears since he met her almost four months ago at work. He’d found a way to make her smile, then laugh. They became friends, and then…

She said, “You know I have a boyfriend.”

He nodded. He smiled. ‘Yep, that was the big one,’ he thought. He responded, “You’ve made that very clear.” He didn’t say it harshly. He just acknowledged the fact and waited for her to continue.

Beth cringed, “But of course you wouldn’t really mind that, because you’re here. And because you just spent the night.” Her head dropped back into her hands as she fought hard not to cry, “And it’s not the first time you have.”

Marcus wanted to sit closer to her and put his arms around her to protect her from this pain. Something told him that would be the wrong thing to do.

“Marcus, I’ve always been a nice girl, a good girl. I don’t rebel against it. Perhaps I need to wake up to the fact that maybe I have been. Except that really doesn’t seem right. I liked what I was. I just wanted to be even more like that girl. Like that girl but stronger in my capacities and convictions. I’m proud of my decision to face my fears by coming here accepting this internship. I’m proud of my boyfriend for coming here to see me.”

Beth’s eyes raised finding Marcus’, although she wasn’t angry at him, she spoke with a fierce strength. He knew it was for her boyfriend.

“My coming here cost Jim dearly,” she was proud that Jim had done all that for her, sacrificed so much, loved her so greatly. Then she seemed to deflate right in front of Marcus.

Beth shook her head looking positively ill, “I made him pay so dearly for loving me, and now I’ve stolen from him in even worse ways.” She looked around the room nervously, her eyes glassy with tears.

“Taking this internship was something nobody understood. They still don’t understand. They’re sure as hell not going to understand anything about you. And Marcus, you’ve got understand that I don’t understand this either!”

She focused on him, “Marcus, it’s not the difference in your looks, it’s the very existence of you. You could look like anything. You could look like Thor. The point is I’m not promiscuous. I’ve kissed a few boys, but I’ve only been with one: Jim! I’m promised to Jim! I made that promise because that’s what I wanted.”

Now she was panicked. “Oh Marcus, what do I do? I don’t think I’m promiscuous now. But we’ve been together. You’re only the second man I’ve ever been with. Marcus, I pray there’s never a third. But Marcus, I didn’t want a second! I-I can barely voice this, I can never say I am entirely and only Jim’s ever again! I can’t believe what I’ve done to him, and he hasn’t done anything wrong! He changed everything for me even though he’s never understood why there was a change. He doesn’t understand why I came here. He thought I was rejecting him. I couldn’t explain to his satisfaction that I wasn’t. That ripped me in half. So how have I done THIS?!

“I don’t understand it, Marcus. I can recall the steps. I can remember what happened but how did I get so close to the edge? How did I fall? Marcus, you aren’t a bad guy, I’m not putting this on you. I know it’s all on me, but please be my friend a little longer and understand. I’ve betrayed the man I love! I’ve betrayed my parents’ values and training. I’ve betrayed myself. I keep my promises and I promised my fidelity. That’s the biggest promise there is, so how of all promises did I break that one?”

The coffee machine was now pouring their cups of magic black elixir into mugs on the counter behind him. Marcus looked anxiously between it and Beth. He wanted to go to her, but thought it wasn’t a good idea, however pulling away just to get coffee seemed equally bad. So instead, he kept the awkward status quo, waiting to take the coffee to her. He wondered for a second if that sort of decision tree and anxiety wasn’t a one ten thousandth setting of exactly the feelings Beth was describing.

“Babe, tell me about it.”

She rolled right in, “You know the whole thing. Letting me explain my troubles and pour my heart out is how we became friends. Nobody understood why I wanted to work in the city even though the internship I got was practically tailor made for me. Even that compatibility didn’t make the opportunity make sense when viewing the opportunity costs. Frankly, it cost Jim hugely. If it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, I never would’ve considered coming here.

“I’m pretty closed off. There are only a few people I’m comfortable letting see me deep down. I confused and even hurt those very same people by coming here. And I asked my boyfriend, who should be my fiancé now, to make huge sacrifices to support my decision to take the internship. I didn’t give up that much, except hugely starting my life with Jim and getting engaged. I see that now, though I didn’t when I was first making up my mind. Which I think paints me in a pretty bad light too.

“My boyfriend made those sacrifices. He comes here almost every weekend. I need every second I have with him but it’s different for him. He hates it here. He feels like he’s in prison. He hates the cameras watching him everywhere. He loves his freedom and feels it denigrated here. He’s constantly on edge here for other reasons. He’s looking for me to say I’m either going to stay here forever or that I’m leaving him forever. He’s pretty sure the two announcements are a package deal, he’s just not sure which I’ll lead with.

“Before and after work I’m a basket case. I used to be at lunch too, I hope I hid it.” Beth shook her head for the millionth time since she’d gotten the offer of the internship.

Marcus answered trying to keep his naturally bubbly demeanor at a minimum, “Not entirely. You seemed like a scared little rabbit. You didn’t seem holier than thou or like you were better than others though. And that was good. I mean, if you have to pick an extreme, I think you went the right direction.”

“You see, Marcus, you go right to the heart of the matter. It’s one of several characteristics which is very much like Jim. I was thinking of him a lot and you are similar in many important ways and … I think that explains how we ended up hitting it off so well. You’re open and approachable. You’re so easy going, and just so damn easy to talk to. But Marcus, you’re also willing to let a lot of stuff slide, a lot of stuff pass, that I never would.” Beth looked positively miserable again, “But somehow I did!”

Marcus chuckled, “Are you calling me a slut, unprincipled, or your stalker?” He laughed at his assertions.

Beth’s eyes brightened though she still looked ill, “That’s just it. Look how you handled that. The people I know would be so horrified at the possibility of having any of those assertions aimed at them that their lives would stop immediately so the emergency could be dealt with. You just let it roll off your back.”

Marcus shrugged giving Beth the floor to continue her venting. She took him up on the offer.

“Back to the subject, I think most folks would try to put “this”” Beth made motions signaling the two of them in her apartment, “into one of those categories you mentioned though it really doesn’t fit any of them. I’m trying to figure out what category it does fit, because I’m trying desperately to make sense of it myself. I’m hopelessly lost at … what I’ve done,” She nodded to the open door of the bedroom to clarify her subject. The bed was partially visible, the rumpled sheets made her groan with guilt.

Beth strengthened, “Here’s what I mean. You know I have a boyfriend and although we haven’t discussed it, I think you probably presume I have sex with him.” Beth cursed as she said the word “too” under her breath.

Marcus nodded graciously respecting her misery.

Beth’s lips made a straight tight line before she said, “You can be gracious like that, you aren’t worried about Jim because you’re already enjoying his exclusive draft. You already have access to his most cherished treasure. For you it’s all extra. But I’ve stolen what I promised exclusively to him in a sacred and serious oath and shared it with you as almost a throw-away act.

“On top of discovering how I’ve betrayed the finest man I’ve ever met I have another huge question I can’t answer. I’ve never had throwaway sex before. I’ve never been able to say, “it’s just sex,” and I never wanted to. Marcus, I don’t do that! How did I become a girl who did?”

Marcus’ lips puckered. Was she really expecting an answer? Damn he wanted to hide behind a large mug of coffee. Thank goodness she kept on talking!

“Marcus, I’m a lucky girl, I’ve had all sorts of… activity. Some has been just hard charging raunchy debauching. But always, always, even if it could have been otherwise demeaning, Jim always loved me with his whole heart! So, no matter how raunchy, it never approached demeaning. How did I sell him out?”

Marcus got the message. Unsure where Beth was going next, he practically whispered his response, “Yeah.”

“Marcus, I haven’t asked you and I don’t particularly want to know where you’ve spent your previous weekends. Thinking of it for the first time now, you must be having sex with someone else … too.” Beth shook her head ruefully once more.

Marcus looked to the side, his pained peripheral squint at the coffee maker told a story, “What does that do to us?” He asked.

Beth thought about it and smiled, “Nothing.” Her smile got brighter. She looked considerably relieved. Marcus felt things shift but didn’t know to what. “Marcus, I think you’re a great guy and I think we have, and hopefully could keep, a close friendship. But understand I am completely out of my depth with the physical relationship that’s developed, because I never wanted it or expected it. I’m a girl that would never consider having two lovers, and certainly not at the same time!”

Marcus looked very confused; he stopped mentally preparing the coffee for a moment. “I think you’re going to have to explain that to me.” He knew Beth had her boyfriend and Marcus has just spent the night. So, what was she saying? His eyes popped open wide at her response to his expression.

Beth almost died of laughter, rueful laughter.

“Oh, I’m sure I see a lover as a person that you have sex with, but also usually a person that you’re not going to make a lifelong commitment to. For example, you’re not going to move in with the women you spend the weekend with. You’re not actually looking forward to growing old with them. You’re not going to have children with them, you’re not going to be there by their bedside when they have a heart attack or cancer. Forgive me, but part of how you’re so laid back is you don’t make strong commitments.

“You like seeing those women, you take comfort from them and give it back in return. They do something that turns you on, you lust after them, you may even care about them in some ways. But what I’ve seen is that you don’t have someone that you’re emotionally tied to.” Beth thought a little longer then added, “And the term lover often has a certain illicit hidden aspect to it.”

Marcus smiled, “Okay, so I guess you’re telling me I’m your lover…” He stopped as he watched his words make Beth go pale. “Let me back up. Why don’t you tell me what you’re telling me.” He said trying not to look too bewildered. He chanced a longing glance back at the coffee mugs. They were full. They were steaming hot. And they called out wanting to help him sort through everything Beth was throwing at him if he would just pay them some attention.

Beth said, “I’m going to try to keep this discussion short, I’ll need you to read between the lines.” Beth blushed knowing both the expression, and that Marcus had done just that over the weekend. “If you can’t figure out what I’m saying you need to ask. I’m willing to spend as much time as needed to get this right, but we can’t have this conversation again.”

Beth took some time to readjust, Marcus knew she was about to pick up the point again.

Beth looked at him now a little green. “Whereas you just spent the night,” she sighed unhappily, “and we definitely gave pleasure to each other.” She grimaced, her voice laced with shame, “You gave me quite a bit.” She sat boring a hole in the floor with her stare for far too long, “We got very close very fast, which is a whole other thing I don’t understand. How did you go from being a friendly face and a warm person I interacted with at work, to being in in my bed – being my lover?!”

She shook her head for the umpteenth time, “It was all so fast, I mean it seems like sex was only one step behind seeing you in a nonworkplace setting. Jim told me before he left two weekends ago that he couldn’t make it the following weekend. Early mid-week you came over as you sometimes do, nothing unusual. We have a little dinner or desert and watch a show or movie on TV, that’s it. No big deal, friends being friends! But we ended up making out. Two days later you came over again and we fooled around even more. You came over Friday and we got each other off but didn’t consummate, but you spent the night with me in my bed. Saturday, I closed my mind off, I think I had since we’d made out. You took me in the morning, and I kept my distance afterwards, but we stuck around each other. That night you were still here. We went to bed again and… damn, did it again. I’m sorry if I offend, this is hard for me to believe. That brings us to today, Sunday morning. I’ve been up half the night not being able to do anything but think about it. We went from friend zone to sex in five days!”

Beth fumed at herself. “That upcoming weekend I knew Jim couldn’t make it. In some ways I was growing weaker each week and I was emotionally needy and … I don’t know how it went that far! It’s like my brain turned off. I wanted to be protected. I felt so out of place, so alone, and I’d done it all to myself. Jim has given up so much and the first time he can’t make it I not only cheat on him, but I put a partner in my bed for repeat performances all weekend. Do I hate him? Do I hate myself? And regardless of which, what kind of slut am I?”

Marcus didn’t say a thing, he’d spent many a weekend having a lot more sex than he’d shared with Beth. She’d enjoyed herself but she’d hardly let herself go; she didn’t approach wildcat status. Marcus would say she’d taken comfort from him not given herself to ecstasy. He was sure pointing any of that out wouldn’t have the impact he wished for.

“This week, knowing I couldn’t see Jim, I just sort of broke, and it kept getting worse. Incapable of forward motion myself I went with the flow. I didn’t even send you mixed signals, why wouldn’t you come back? You kept saying it was just easy going, two people that liked each other. If the word lover or sex would have been mentioned I would have woken up, but I went with the flow – and flowed right into being a dishonorable woman.

“But Marcus I don’t do that, and never have. I’d understand my actions if I was falling in love, but I can tell I’m not. Jim has all my love: I can feel it. It’s breaking my heart right now. He wouldn’t believe me if he knew what I’ve done this week. It wouldn’t help at all if he found out now that we’ve been together, that you’ve been there in the background for the whole sordid time. I don’t know if I have any credibility telling you this after how I’ve acted, how I … performed, but I love Jim! I can’t explain to myself exactly how out of the blue I’ve taken a lover, especially one that’s even spending the night.

“We even spent the last two nights in a row together! I’m going to take pains to make sure it doesn’t happen again, but you’ve still been over here at least twice during the week with regularity. We were just talking, watching movies, or playing games, that’s all. The weekends – with Jim – were my bonding time. Then Jim couldn’t make it, I was already missing him, it was raining, I was lonely, I got close to you, you reacted as a man would. I stopped it at a certain point, but I’d already sent the signals. I may have stopped, but I didn’t stop you. I feel pathetic and weak. Dear God, this is worse than the weakness I came here to conquer.

“What do I do? How can I explain this to a man who I adore, yet messed up his life and his plans, to facilitate my coming here. I made him doubt my commitment to him by taking this internship. I guess I took great advantage of his love for me redirecting his plans too. His plans would’ve helped him set up a career – to provide for me! All that and I end up making out and screwing another man. Screwing him twice in my own bed, sleeping with him throughout the night. A bed that I’ve shared with Jim. Doesn’t that pretty much prove every bad thing I made Jim question by taking this internship?

“What man wouldn’t correctly surmise that the moment the woman he loves takes a lover that maybe she’s not as into him as he’d hoped?”

Marcus chuckled at that and started to give her a grand affirmation, but saw Beth’s anger flare at his chuckle, then her face lose all the color at his affirmation.

Marcus took his chance, backing off to hurry the coffee prep along. When he was finished, he came around the island into the living area, putting her mug on the coffee table and sitting close to Beth with his. He noticed her blanche, so he scooted away another two feet, which seemed to comfort her.

Beth almost seemed to be talking to herself, “I don’t know what I’ve done, how I’ve done it, and most importantly why I’ve done it.”

“Well Beth, why don’t you start your explanation to yourself by admitting that you’ve got two lovers.”

She clenched her eyes shut hard. “Boy, that says volumes and I’m not sure what to say back. I’m thinking that you’re not worried. I’m imagining some other guy here too, in affect cheating on you, except you’re okay because we never pledged exclusivity to each other. Besides in reality you’re the interloper who’s eating the other guy’s lunch. Exactly how would you have me explain my actions to the man who does care, a man who should rightfully be my fiancé by now?”

Beth mocked a sweet saccharine voice, “Hey Jim, I wanted to give you a quick FYI. While you’re at home I’ve been sleeping with some guy, don’t worry it’s just one guy, at least for right now. It’s no big deal, honey. Actually, I’m just chilling with the guy behind your back, and sometimes he taps me. Oh yeah, he’s recently made a habit of spending the night now too, and if he keeps doing it, he’s going to be tapping your formerly private reserve before and after work each day and most of every night. But I’ll still be here for you … on the weekends you can make it here.” At the end Beth was seething. She wanted to throw herself from the roof but that wouldn’t be hard enough on her.

“Dammit! My boyfriend is a very good man, he loves me completely, and certainly doesn’t deserve to have any woman do this to him. I have literally fucked him over, and that is exactly what he feared precisely because of how I was acting!”

Marcus said quietly, truly trying to help Beth through the process of coming clean with herself, “Beth baby, maybe you’re not as into him as you thought?” He said it cringing expecting a terrible reaction, but her actions with him meant something. Maybe she just had to face it.

Beth looked at Marcus tears welling in her eyes “That’s what this seems to be saying to me as well. Though I swear it’s not true. My heart is full of Jim! Work has been wonderful. I really have learned a lot. But no offense, what I really want is Jim here. No,” she seemed happy to realize, “I want to be with him wherever he is.” She thought some more, “I really do!” Then her face darkened. “Okay, that’s definitely what I want, but hardly what I deserve.”

She was determined yet pensive before she spoke again, “Marcus, you have a reassuring nature and I think that’s the key: I’ve always sought that from Jim. I took a lot of chances taking the internship. I wanted to grow into somebody more for him, not in any way less at any of the things that he wanted me or needs me to be for him. I see now I wanted it more for myself, Jim was fine with me as I was. I wanted to still be me not someone’s sidekick.

“I think people always worry when you make a change like that, you will accidentally change both what was already good as well as what could have been better. I made a wild leap to prove to myself I could do it, and to further my confidence by proving I could make it on my own. I’ve failed Marcus. I’ve failed spectacularly. I wanted to be a more worthy person for my family, and especially the love of my life. I wasn’t rebelling against the life I’d planned, I just wanted to be more worthy of it. Instead, I’ve betrayed it.”

Beth looked at him seriously as she parted her hands as if ready to clap, “I might explain this badly. I’m figuring a lot of it out right now as we speak. I think I’m finally putting some pieces together. It’s like I’m finally emerging from a haze, or like I’ve been on auto pilot and am finally taking control.

“Yes, that’s it, life has ruled me. I’ve been adrift in its currents and eddies going where it pushes me. I know I can’t control life, but I can control myself, which I now realize has been my problem all along. I go with the currents surrounding me,” she stifled a sob, “and they’ve led me here. I knew I needed to grow; I thought I needed knowledge. I wanted to control my surroundings. I should have been looking in the mirror all along. It’s cost me heavily, but now I know.”

She took a few moments to let that fully sink in.

“I came here to grow; I hope I can now that I finally have the key. I don’t know how I’ll look back on this trip. If I’m happy, if those around me are happy, I guess I’ll see it as the trip where I paid dearly for the key to the future happiness of those around me. Except I see myself differently and not at all in a good way. At least I see I’m not worthy of self-centeredness.

“I didn’t know I would seek out the qualities in my boyfriend in others to make up for his absence.” She shook her head, “He’s not absent, I am. He didn’t leave my life, I left his. Damn it, I left my own life!” She shook her head at herself, “He protected me from the storm of life, he could swim in the currents that swept me away. He pulled me along with him. I see it all with increasing clarity now.

“Here alone, all my failings magnified. I didn’t expect that. One of the things you’re very similar to my boyfriend in is giving me confidence. Another big one is you’re willing to put a certain order of protection over me. I don’t know if you were claiming me as yours. I’m not sure you do that. You’re more of an umbrella guy: you stand there with your umbrella open, happy if someone ducks under it with you for a while. That person is under the protection of your umbrella – for now.

“Under your umbrella they are protected from the rain or harsh sun but not from wind or attack. You’d have to wrap your arms around who’s under the umbrella and put yourself in harm’s way to protect like that. You’d have to be much more serious about life to take on those responsibilities. You’d have to have actual skin in the game.

“As it is now you seem generous and free, but don’t make deep commitments. That might be the other side of freedom, unless you’re willing to put down roots, stand up for and take damage protecting what you care about, you will be blown around by the wind too. You need to be the fortress for what you love, not depend on a frail umbrella. Instead of standing tall you become a champion of sticking soft landings wherever the wind decides to drop you. Your life is carefree, Marcus, but not substantial.”

Marcus reacted to the news like taking a slap. Yet it landed as a slap to wake you up not one to admonish. He knew she’d tapped into something. He listened carefully.

“You partially made me your responsibility. You certainly took it upon yourself to enjoy my body, not without my help. I’m not blaming you; I’m just trying to help you as I help myself,” Beth managed a fractured smile, “It may not seem like it, but I am. This is what returning the favor feels like sometimes.

“You were there for me in important ways. If I needed reassurance, that door was always open. And I think walking through that door sort of allowed me to open a whole number of doors for you, doors that, oh geez, how do I put this? Even though I physically enjoyed those doors being opened, they never should’ve been. That’s the point you need to learn. The anguish I feel about what we’ve done far exceeds the physical pleasure I felt. I needed a port in the storm, you gave it, but at too high a price.

“Let me make another point, I know we used protection but I’m not sure if I got pregnant that you would do the honorable thing and take care of me and our child the rest of our lives. I don’t see you as a perpetual scoundrel, just someone like me, having a hard time learning the big lessons about what it takes to grow up to be a good person. What you gave me was invaluable to me at the time, but you pressed your advantage too far. If you cared about me, you would’ve asked about how I’d feel about cheating on my boyfriend, something I can never erase and will have to live with the rest of my life. See any parallels?”

Marcus was clearly thinking. He peered into his coffee wondering if it would unravel some of the mysteries for him.

Beth paused, “I’m not blaming you; most guys test the water. As much as I tried to shut you down, I needed the confidence you were offering so much I was apparently willing to barter what I did to get it. Except Marcus, when you like someone and see they’re vulnerable and ready to make bad decisions, you don’t help them make the bad choice. You were strong, I was weak. It never should have happened. And it kept happening and kept getting worse, until I finally got so angry and disgusted with myself that … well, here we are.”

Nervously Marcus took a large swig of his coffee. He nodded to Beth that he was trying to follow her and that she should continue. He felt like a new student trying to absorb the lecture of an accomplished professor. He took another large swig.

“My boyfriend had planned on proposing to me, then I told him I was going to accept this internship. He still doesn’t know what to make of it. I didn’t mean to make it either or, and I filled him with doubt. Now I see you know your way around my bedroom as well as I do. God, I never meant to hurt Jim. I never meant to not marry him or put off our wedding. Those things are terrible, but now I’ve actually cheated on him!

“I was convinced I was going to do things here that I wouldn’t necessarily do at home; I meant in business training not, not this. They do things differently here than they do at home, that’s where I saw the value. Apparently sometimes to do different things we have to change the environment around us. I’ve certainly done things I never would have normally done. It was like my parents said: the change in me and my life course may not be worth the knowledge I’d glean coming here. How did they learn that by not making huge mistakes like I have? Why did I have to make these unalterable unpayable debts to learn the lessons?”

Beth closed her eyes; she reached out and touched his wrist. She laughed ruefully, “I wanted to come here and stand on my own. Then I sought out the same reassuring qualities of my boyfriend. Someone able to give me the strength and confidence to do it.

“I-I left to prove I could do it on my own, and then set up a circumstance where I was doing things the same way I did at home.” Her voice changed to maudlin, “Why did it take putting another man in my bed to learn the lesson?” She was suddenly full of fear, “Oh dear God, I can’t explain that to him. There’s no way I can explain you to Jim at all. I can’t explain you, not to anyone, can I?”

Beth’s hands flew over her eyes, “Dear God, having a lover, one you’ve never told your husband about, it’s just the sort of thing that destroys marriages when the truth outs. You’re an easy-going guy, Marcus, but you see opportunity for yourself, you had to have come on to me for this to happen.”

Marcus looked into his coffee; it offered no way out. He spoke up, “I admit I’m the one that came on to you,” he cringed, “but I wasn’t exactly getting the vibe that I should stay away.”

Beth looked sympathetic – in her misery, “Oh no, I realized you were like Jim. I reached out to you and wanted more of you – as a surrogate for the man I left behind.” Beth was stunned and afraid, “I think this would play almost exactly to his fears, except that I was reaching out for properties that were like him. I made Jim fear I wanted something different from him.” She looked at Marcus, it was her turn to cringe. “Seeing the wrapper Jim would presume that was part of the difference I craved. How ironic. I wanted more of him; it was your inner qualities that I sought.”