“Damn, you made it, what, a week?” Rob grins, his feet propped up on his coffee table, eating pretzels while we watch Miami Heat play Philly. I toss my glasses onto the table and lean forward with my elbows on my knees. I rub my eyes until I see stars. I want to pull my eyes out of my head.
I don’t have anything to say to him. A week and a half, possibly, but it doesn’t matter. I sigh.
Rob glances at me, “When are you gonna tell her how you feel?”
I laugh, but there’s no humor in it, “How I feel?”
Rob shouts at whatever happened in the game. I missed it. I haven’t been able to keep my mind on the game to even follow what the fuck is going on. I scratch my scruff.
“Yeah, ’bout how you’ve been in love with her ass since 8th grade,” he yawns and stretches. Curses at Philly.
“Okay, I will admit to having complicated feelings for her, but I have not been in love with her since junior high,” I shake my head and rub my temples, trying to hold back a headache that’s been threatening to take over for days.
My phone buzzes. It’s Veronica.
Veronica: look lmao
She sends me a screencap of a Tinder profile. The dude is trying real hard, and it makes me laugh. Janessa set up her profile and she’s been exploring, which means I get 10 of these a day, but I don’t mind.
Me: he said he’s tired of all the games, so you’d better swipe left.
Veronica: well u can just call me monopoly
Veronica: no passing go no $200
I chuckle.
“You are so adorable, know that?” Rob coos. I just look at him. His thousand watt playboy smile takes up his whole face and I can’t help but laugh.
“Flirt,” I say dryly. He booms with laughter.
“So you spend all of the past weekend with Vivi, fuck her sideways the whole time, bring her home to have dinner at the crib with your family, but y’all are just friends?” Rob purses his lips. “I know that’s who you’re texting, too, because you smiling stupid.”
Another text. This one is not Veronica.
Audra: Hey, is it okay if I come by today to pick up some stuff?
I close my eyes. It feels like I have no air in my lungs. No, it’s not okay, I don’t want to see her.
I sigh.
Me: of course. When were you thinking?
My eyes water. I squeeze the bridge of my nose, and will myself to get my shit together.
“Yeah, Rob. She’s on the rebound, I am…” I sigh and gesture to my phone. “Whatever the fuck this is.”
He pauses and looks back at me. “Rebound?”
I nod.
“Do not tell me you’re doin that stupid rule shit, again,” he sets the pretzels on the coffee table and turns to me. I don’t respond.
Audra: after dinner?
Me: sure. See you then.
“You are. You’re doing your bullshit Rebound rules shit. Goddamn, Rakeem, why?” he looks incredulous.
“To make sure…” I trail off. I don’t know why, I hate these rules.
“How can it be rebounding if you two literally come together every single time y’all are single? And not eventually over beers, but like immediately. You use that pussy for tissues. You dry her eyes with your dick. How is that a rebound? That!” he turns and motions at the game, “That is a fucking rebound. This,” he motions between me and my phone. “This is just drama.”
I roll my neck, “We just scratch each other’s itches in between.”
I’m parroting her words because it’s easier than dealing with the surge of feelings that came rushing back the second she opened the door wearing her mom’s comforter like a hermit with her hair poking up like a pineapple from her scrunchie. I smile to myself. It was very Veronica.
I thought I got over her after the last three years with Audra, only to have my feelings spill everywhere the second she looked at me with those big, deep brown eyes. Her impish smile.
And for the first time, I fucked her without holding anything back, just straight up took what I wanted from her and she gave it to me in return. I made her cum again and again. I can’t remember the last time I had sex like that. And then she pulls the rulebook on me.
I forgot about Audra for the evening. I forgot about everything. That’s the drug. She’s the only one who can make me forget.
Two glorious nights with her in my arms, kissing her everywhere, tasting her. When we got back to her place after dinner at mine, I had her for dessert on her kitchen table, in a rare moment that she actually allowed me to eat her. I made her cum on my tongue again and again until she screamed and fought me off her. Then I filled her with my cum like an artist signs his work imagining her glowing and pregnant and mine. I’m out of my mind.
She makes me crazy. And I need to pull back because of her need for these boundaries before I get completely lost in her and I push her away for good.
I touch my fingers to my lips like she’s still there.
“Nah, it ain’t all that,” Rob leers. “If it was just scratching itches you wouldn’t have gone to her house.”
I don’t miss the way his eyes sweep over me, and I smirk. His eyes linger at my fly and my smile broadens. It’s been a long time since that happened, too.
“See, you know the difference between the two,” he purrs. I can’t help but laugh.
“Now you’re making it about you,” I tease. “I’m just a BBC to you.”
Rob bursts out laughing, big and booming. He shakes his head.
“You’re playin’ yourself,” he smirks. “You need to be real with her, and throw out those fuckin’ rules.”
I shake my head, “It’s not like that. Plus I’m still fucked up about Audra.”
Actually, it absolutely is like that but I can’t. I can’t have Veronica push me away, either. If I’ve gotta play by the fuckin’ rules, I’ll play by the fuckin’ rules.
Leave it to me to have to get over two women at the same time.
Veronica texts me another profile pic.
Veronica: i am actually going out 2 coffee with this 1 tmo
I study him. White guy, muscular. Nice smile. He doesn’t bother me. None of them do. They never last. She always comes back to me.
I laugh out loud. “She’s sending me pictures of her tinder dates.”
Me: when you come home unsatisfied you know where to find me
Veronica: u gonna make me better coffee?
Me: of course. I make everything better for you
I shift my pants. I want her to sit on my fucking face, forget this Aiden or Brayden or Kaiden.
I rally and breathe to prevent my chub from turning into a full on erection.
She sends me a tidal wave emoji.
Rob looks at me speculatively, looking at me the way people look at abstract art.
“What?” I tilt my head.
“Remember when you turned 21 you fucked everyone you met? Cuz you fine as hell with a nice dick and you knew it?”
“My fuckboy period,” I admit. I sort of miss those years. My only worry was which line would get the cougar in bed. Now it’s whether or not Devante is getting in trouble in school or whether Mom and I have enough money to pay the house and the lawyer.
“I think it’s time to bring the fuckboy back,” he says.
“Nah, I’m good,” I shake my head.
“I’m serious, you need to cleanse your palate, you’ve been on the same pussy for three years, and now hanging on some pussy that doesn’t give you the time of day. And you are so bogged down with all your family drama. Just…have fun then find out where you’re at, you know what I’m sayin? Give someone else the chance to be your rebound, and maybe then you’ll figure your shit out,” he insists.
“So, what am I supposed to do, then?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Fuck someone else,” he looks at me like I’m stupid.
“You?” I tease.
“Now listen, that is tempting as fuck so a, you’re not playing fair, and b, I am not trifling with your drama mongering ass,” Rob looks at my crotch and obvious lack of tent pointedly, then gives me a withering look.
I roll my neck and rest my head back on the couch. I’m tired.
“Let’s go out,” he grins.
I shake my head. Pass.
“Come on,” he urges.
“I’m not social,” I grouse.
“Yes you are, you’re just in your feelings, quit being stupid,” he throws a couch pillow at me hard. He’s getting cranky. It makes me laugh.
“This weekend, bar hopping and pussy,” he informs me.
I shrug. It’s worth a shot, I guess. Tonight, though, I have other shit on my mind.
***
When Audra comes over, Mom and Malia are going at it about her grades and how mom got yet another call from the attendance office about Malia’s truancy.
Thankfully, once Audra enters, they cool it immediately and my mom smiles kindly at her. Malia glares at them both and storms to her room.
“Hi, sweetie!” Mom hugs and kisses her. “Are you here for dinner? I can make you a plate.”
I head upstairs, leaving them there, and continue collecting Audra’s various possessions that have accumulated in my room over the years. Clothes. Makeup. Jewelry. There’s something of hers in every corner. Contact fluid, a pack of gum, lotion.
It’s overwhelming. I snap a photo of the box with shit in it and send it to V.
Me: this is less than half of her shit in here
Veronica: is she there rn?
I smile.
Me: that was fast I thought you were having coffee with Thor
Veronica: lmao I am! In the bathroom
Me: show me
I have no idea how she’s going to react. I’ve been pressing her and I know it.
Audra walks in and I tuck my phone in my back pocket. I straighten despite the feeling of being crushed under the weight of an avalanche at the sight of her.
“Does your mom know we’re broken up?” she asks softly, her arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe, not quite coming into the room.
My phone buzzes rapidfire with back to back texts. I tense. I want to look right now.
“Yeah, she knows, she just loves you,” I murmur and look away from the guilt that crosses her beautiful face. “I got started, here’s a box. I brought a couple of trash bags if you think those will help and there’s another Amazon box. Don’t forget to check the bathroom, I think you might have some stuff in there too, maybe meds. Definitely some makeup.”
“You’re not staying?” Audra asks in a tiny voice.
I look at her. Really look at her. Her dark gray eyes striking, piercing me like they always do.
Her eyes are her father’s, but everything else, from the soft curve of her round nose to the slope of her hips and long legs–those are gifts from her mother. Her gold streaked hair, naturally coiled tight but left free like a halo, the light tawny brown of her skin the color of a sandy beach at first light…all together blend into one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and her looks are not even the most attractive thing about her.