“Good morning, gents!” I said, starting the day’s conversations. “I’ve decided it’s time to try online dating!”
“No shit!” Chris exclaimed, forgetting his emails.
“You da man, Doug!” Kurt agreed with a huge smile. “You know you have to keep us up to date with how this goes.”
“Of course! We’re a team and it’ll be more fun if you’re along for the adventure.”
Kurt came over to my desk as I sat down. “Got a profile yet?”
“Nah, I still need to pick which app to use.”
“You’re what, 42 now?” Chris asked.
“Yeah, what’s that got to do with it?”
Chris shook his head. “You’re lost in the woods already. Lucky for you, we’ll help guide you to the woman of your dreams!”
Kurt stopped with his finger in the air. “Wait. You are after a woman, right? I want to know we’re on the same page before we ride off in the wrong direction when trying to get you a hook-up.”
Chris and I laughed. “Yes, I am after a woman. One that isn’t a conversion or needs a gender reveal party.”
“Alright!” Kurt exclaimed, clapping his hands together and rubbing them. “Let’s get going. You’re not old enough for the seniors app, and you’ll probably only get girls with daddy issues on the kiddy apps like Tinder and Bumble.”
Chris nodded his agreement. “Yep, stick to the most common apps like eHarmony or Match.”
“Match works for me,” Kurt pointed out. “I get enough attention that I’m not single for too long between meaningful weekend relationships.”
“And,” Chris added. “Match rhymes with snatch for a reason!” We all laughed as I brought up the website and created a profile. We picked some pictures from my social media accounts and stopped when we reached the self-description paragraph.
“Hmm, I hate these things. Any suggestions?” I asked the team.
“Avoid the boiler plate thing about how great you are and what sort of person you’re after,” Kurt advised. “Everyone does the same thing, and it’s boring.”
Chris’ face lit up with an idea. “Oh yeah, and never ever reference that pina colada song. It’s a major party foul.” We all laughed at his evaluation.
“I’m sure there are a few women who like that song.”
“Doug, just don’t go there. For the love of everything good and pure, avoid that temptation.”
I started typing away, putting down the first thing that came to mind. “What do you think?” They looked over my paragraph, looked at each other, and nodded.
“Go live!” Kurt encouraged me. “We want you to get hooked up right away!”
Chris laughed again. “Yeah, it might help you unwind after that messy divorce.”
I put my hands on my hips, trying to look indignant. “Are you saying I’m too uptight?”
Chris and Kurt looked at each other, then back to me. “YES!” they said at the same time.
*****
I looked at the clock, fifteen minutes until we were free for the evening. A few of the women I’d shown interest in had occupied my thoughts all day. Each of them had left me with fantasies of passionate sex that would need help from Literotica to release the pressure when I got home. I checked the online account for the fourth time, hoping for some activity. Kurt watched me, a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Any takers yet?” Chris looked up from his spreadsheet when Kurt brought up our favorite subject.
“As a matter of fact, yes!” They abandoned their desks and rolled over in their chairs to have a look. “HikerBabe88 is interested.” We all started scrolling through the profile pics. “Umm,” I said, not impressed with the images.
“My opinion,” Chris offered. “If she needs to add ‘babe’ in the profile title, that’s a red flag.”
Kurt grunted his agreement. “It makes me think of that pig, not a beautiful woman.” We laughed at the comparison.
“I’m sure she has a wonderful personality,” I said, swiping her away and bringing up the next profile.
“Ooh, she’s nice!” Kurt said, inspecting her closely. “Let me get the profile name if you’re not interested. 1ButterFlyer. Cute.”
She wore a red shirt, yoga pants, and roller blades in the first pic. The second had her next to a fire pit holding a drink with other people cropped out. Her shoulder length light brown hair had blonde highlights that framed her tan skin and fine features. “Actually, I think she’s worth looking into. But keep her info on file if it doesn’t work out for you. I want to try her if you fail.”
Kurt looked up, one eyebrow lifted. “How much do you think this will work out? Sure, it’d be nice to find someone special. It’s frequently called the dating hamster wheel for a reason. Get together, get off, get annoyed, get out looking again. That’s the cycle, and many of us are in it for years. You need to know that, so you set your expectations at a realistic level right from the start.”
I shrugged. “That doesn’t surprise me. I’m going to message her and see how it goes.” Chris was busy making notes on his own phone. “What are you doing?”
“I’m between ladies right now, so despite the red flag, I’d like to look into HikerBabe88.”
Kurt punched him playfully on the shoulder as I sent a greeting through the app. “Lowering your standards? I thought you needed to be single for a few more weeks to go there.”
“It doesn’t hurt to add her to the statistics. Contact a lot of ladies to get the interest, and only a few of them will even meet you somewhere. Only a few of them will be interested in sex in the first few weeks of dating, so spreading those wild oats is part of the game.”
I leaned back in my chair. “You’re not painting a bright picture for dating.”
“It’s always been that way,” he explained. “Online dating simply speeds up the process and makes it possible to meet more women than you ever could in person at old-school single’s bars.”
“I signed up for a single’s function tomorrow night,” I pointed out. “Any bets on how that goes?” At the sound of a gambling challenge, my friends perked up.
“Five says you get at least two contacts!” Kurt wagered. I looked at Chris.
“Alright. I’ll say you only get one. You must get an email or phone number. I’ll put a bonus fiver if you get a selfie together.”
I shook my head. “And you talk about lowering the bar. What’s the bonus if I score?”
Kurt scoffed at the idea. “Sure, it’s statistically possible. I’ll pay ten if you score, fifteen if you get two other contacts.”
Chris waved me off. “Don’t get your hopes up. I’ll take those odds, but that means you’re paying us both when you come home empty-handed. Trust me, ladies can tell when you’re desperate and won’t have any interest in that.”
“Time will tell,” I replied. “But 1ButterFlyer has already replied she’d like to get to know me more.” They looked up and moved closer to the screen again. “Wow, time to go! You’ll have to wait for tomorrow to learn more.” I closed the screen and smiled as they protested. “I’ll chat while on the bus home. Have a nice evening!” I waved as I walked out the door, leaving them fuming. My thoughts were on her shapely figure in those tight clothes.
*****
I boarded the regional travel bus out to the suburbs, settling into a tall, comfortable seat halfway back and pulled out my phone. The bus wasn’t crowded, so the seat next to me was empty, giving me more privacy. Seeing a message from her made the world around me disappear.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Michelle,” the message read. “I’ll be commuting home tonight and able to chat. If you can meet me online, it might be fun.” She finished with a kiss emoji.
“Hi Michelle,” I wrote. “My ride home takes half an hour on average, so I’m here if you’re online.” I looked around as the bus drove away from the station. A little less than half full, so private enough for online flirting. A reply arrived, keeping my excitement level high and making this the best ride home in ages.
“Our profiles say we live in the same suburb. What are your favorite places to eat?”
I thought for a moment. “My favorites are Mexican and Italian, so Blue Agave near the mall and Locatelli’s on 19th.”
“I like the Hitching Post on 33rd. They have a great draft beer selection.”
I had to look that one up on Maps. “What’s your favorite drink? I’m into Fat Tire ale.” After I sent it I panicked that it was a pretty cliche line. A reply showed up soon after, soothing my fears.
“That’s a nice one. I enjoy Dry Dock Apricot Blonde. Do you like blondes?”
Uh oh, a set-up question. I needed to handle this one with finesse. “I prefer darker drinks, but I can enjoy a blonde, too. Do you ever enjoy anything stiffer?” As soon as I sent it, I panicked again. Stiffer? I was trying to flirt, but damn dude, don’t go for the jugular so fast. The mental face-palm went into a full panic as the reply arrived.
“I’ve swallowed stiff drinks. They can be tasty on my tongue. Are you capable of making something impressive?”
Holy shit! After my ice queen of an ex, this was boiling hot. But now the bar was climbing higher with each message. What should I say next? Focus, Grasshopper! Wait, that’s it! “I make a version of the Grasshopper that gets rave reviews. It’s creamy, salty, sweet, and stiff enough to please.” Damn, this sounds like a frat house pickup line contest. I looked around the bus and saw traffic was slower than usual, meaning more time for flirting.
“You’re confident. I like that. Want to meet soon? I think it would be more fun to flirt in person while we get to know each other.”
I sat back, enjoying the triumph of a successful online flirtation. But there’s always the pressure to keep the momentum going. “I’m down. Hitching Post at seven? I’ll buy dinner.” That’s usually a friendly offer. I looked around again and noticed a subtle flash from somebody’s phone a few seats up. Who would take a selfie on a bus? The next reply arrived. That was fast.
“That won’t give me time to change. If you don’t mind dinner in my work clothes, I can agree to your offer. Here’s what I’m wearing, so you can recognize me. How about sending a selfie so I can pick you out in the crowd?” I opened the attached picture. No way. What are the odds? She’s sitting on a bus seat. Is that actually her a few rows ahead? This was a man or mouse moment. Do I go find out if it’s her? Hell yes! I rolled my Yeti drink container up the aisle, giving me the excuse to go retrieve it. Timing was critical, so I let it roll almost to her seat, then chased it down.