This is an amalgamation of true-life stories I am aware of that happened to two couples I knew. I added a few minor setting details of places/things from my life to add “color” to the story. Not much sex here, and while it might be classified as a BTB tale, I’d say it’s more of a light scorching. For those critics who think it has no BIG ending… it’s like life. Sometimes things just happen this way. Not wonderful, not horrific, just over.
“What the fuck is this”? shouted my soon to be ex-wife as she threw the papers down on the table. “What are you trying to pull?”
“I’m not trying to pull anything, DEAR. I think it’s pretty clear that we’ve never really resolved things and since we never withdrew the Property Settlement Agreement… our divorce will proceed just as it would have 6 years ago.” I sighed and turned back to the refrigerator and reached in for a cold one.
“Don’t you fucking think you’re going to get away with this. This is bullshit. What about the past 6 years? Everyone knows we reconciled.” Terri was steaming and looked to be spitting nails. If proverbial looks could kill…
“Look, yes, we’ve been living together under the same roof for the past 6 years since you moved back home, but the reality is, you never really re-committed to US. Oh, sure we looked and acted like a normal family, went to the kids’ activities, had parties here at the house, but be truthful, am I really the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with”?
Terri just stood there and glared at me, finally turning away and put her hands on the counter by the sink. For a moment, I thought she was going to vomit in the sink, but then she turned around and lit into me.
“I stopped contacting Rob and moved back here because you said you would forgive me, and because I thought it was best for the kids, and maybe, maybe, we could put our lives back together. I’ve been a wife to you again and I’ve tried to make things work, and now you’re telling me it was all a lie”?
Terri threw the divorce papers at me and stomped out of the kitchen.
Well, that went about as I expected, I thought, and took another sip of my beer. I wasn’t under any illusion that things would have gone differently, in fact, I’m surprised she didn’t start throwing things.
And true, she did stop “contacting Rob”, but that was also because he didn’t want anything to do with her.
I walked out of the kitchen and into the garage. The third bay of our three-car garage was where I had my workshop; I had been spending a lot of time there recently and thinking a lot about the past several years. I thought about the old saying, a wife lasts as long as the marriage. An ex-wife lasts the rest of your life.
SEVEN YEARS EARLIER
The bus pulled away from picking up the kids and my wife closed the door as she came in with her coffee cup in hand from waving goodbye to the kids. Even though they were in middle school, and getting to that age where they didn’t want the ‘rents around anymore than necessary, they still didn’t mind one or both of us seeing them off to school. Only as long as we stayed on the porch, the 200-foot distance to the road giving plausible deniability to our actions! Chloe was almost fourteen, and Danny was eleven.
Terri turned and looked at me, and I could tell there was trouble brewing there. Our counseling session the previous week had gotten pretty heated, and we were due back to see Dr. Mike in two days.
She took a big breath and said, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m just not happy. And I don’t want you to come tonight.”
And with that, she turned and walked up the stairs.
WTF? Does this mean she wants a divorce? Does she want to stop seeing the shrink? What?
We ended up avoiding each other all morning and mid-afternoon. She came down and said, “I’m going to meet Amy at the coffee shop and then we’re going to the restaurant. I don’t want you to come. There’s dinner in the fridge for you and the kids.”
Well, shit on me. We were ‘supposed’ to go out with friends tonight. Us, Amy, her boyfriend Bill, and Rob. Bill, Rob and I all worked together at the Navy Base. The five of us made up the core of a loose group of friends in our social circle. Terri and Amy were going to meet up first, and then head over to the restaurant for a “girls’ night out”. At least that’s what Amy thought it was going to be. Later, I’d come, and Bill and Rob were going to join us when they got off work.
That was the plan. What was really going to happen was Terri would tell Amy to go on up to the table that was reserved, while she stopped at the Ladies’ room. Bill would be there with flowers, and he would officially propose to her. Then Terri, me and Rob would join them, and the celebration would begin.
I was in a bit of a fog, but quickly realized this was serious. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I needed to start thinking about myself. I started Googling everything I could find about divorce laws in Virginia, and realized this would turn into a real clusterfuck for yours truly. So much for the past 17 years.
So, that’s how we got to things 7 years earlier.
The past few years had been hard for her as both her parents got cancer, and died a year and a half apart. Then her brother had a cancer scare that physically drained him, although he did survive, and is cancer free to this day. Terri, though, just seemed to sink deeper and deeper into a depressed state of mind. It was a rare week that passed without her snapping at me or grousing about some trivial issue. The fact that I couldn’t figure out why it was an issue would just piss her off even more.
Typical blowups were like this.
“Why can’t you stop doing things to piss me off!” She’d yell.
“Well maybe if you were a little clearer about what it was that you wanted, I wouldn’t piss you off! Jesus Christ woman, say what you mean, and mean what you say!” I remember having many an argument just like that.
Terri left that afternoon to meet Amy, and I sat down at the computer. My Spidey senses were screaming something was rotten in the household and maybe I’d find the answer in her email. Well, what’s this? She changed her password? Hmmm. I was the computer guru/main user. She barely knew how to check her email.
I downloaded a keylogger and started dinner. Kids being kids, they had no idea their world was about to get upended and I wasn’t going to say anything.
I got them to bed telling our daughter not to stay up too late reading and retired to our bedroom. I couldn’t sleep. What the hell is going to happen to us? Am I going to get raked over the coals like every other guy that gets divorced? Is financial ruin just around the corner? Why now? I mean, yeah, the last few times at the shrink’s office have been pretty awful, to the point that I was almost ready to walk out a few weeks ago because she was so disrespectful. He even called her out on it.
Terri had said, “Ken is arrogant. He thinks he knows everything. THAT’S the problem.”
Dr. Mike studied her and said, “No, Ken isn’t arrogant, he is confident, and that’s a good thing in life, and especially in his profession. But he’s not arrogant. Arrogant means someone thinks they’re better than everyone else. Or they are unwilling to change, or to listen to other viewpoints. I don’t see that here, so no, Mike is not arrogant.”
Steam poured out of her, figuratively speaking of course, but there was no mistaking she was pissed he didn’t agree with her. I was surprised she didn’t get up and leave.
Obviously, the rest of that session was a waste of time.
I laid there in bed tossing and turning as the hours went by. Midnight came and went, no Terri. One AM, same thing. Finally, almost 1:30am I heard her come in and tiptoe up the stairs.
As she came in the room I snarled, “Where the hell have you been, and who the hell have you been with?”
She flinched and said, “I’ve been walking on the bike path thinking.”
“Yeah right, like I believe that!” What woman goes walking on a tree covered bike path at midnight?
“I need to go to sleep and get some rest. We can talk in the morning.”
Eventually I drifted off to sleep; I got maybe 4 hours of sleep that night. I got the kids breakfast and shooed them out the door to school about the time Terri came downstairs.
We stood there looking at each other, neither one wanting to start the conversation. Eventually, she said she’d be staying in the guest room until we could figure things out.
That’s when I drew the line in the sand. “Well, if you want out, you can move out. I’m staying here, as are the kids!”
“Why do I have to move out?” she said. “Why can’t you?”
“Well, to start, you’re the one that wants out, not me. Second, you’re going to have to work full time, and you’re not going to be able to afford the house, even with getting child support, never mind maintaining the property, and taking care of the house. Hell, you’ve already been complaining that you don’t have enough time to do things around here, and you’ve only been working 2 days a week for the past few years.”
She jerked her head up and looked like she wanted to say something.
I continued. “And I’m not having the kids move to some apartment or rental house in another school district; their life needs to be as stable as possible.”
She stomped off in a huff, and I went about my business. We had a shrink appointment that day. When I told Dr. Mike that she wanted a divorce, his first comment was, “Right now, that’s what she wants. That may change.”
I said how I thought she was bullshitting me when she said she was walking on the bike path that night.
He even asked her if she was having an affair, which she angrily denied.
I honestly don’t remember much about the rest of that session. I dropped her off at her car in town and went to work.
That night I came home and went in my office and checked the keylogger. Bingo! New password to her email, as well as the body of an email she wrote to…. Holy shit. She’s got something going on with Rob! As in Rob, our friend, my coworker? “FUCK.”
Without going into great length and boring the piss out of everyone, here’s what transpired next.
Evidently, she had talked Rob into joining her and Amy in the Catholic Church choir some months earlier, and as time went by, she decided that Rob had all the qualities of what she wanted in life. Now I have to tell you, it was an open secret among our social circle that Rob, at the age of 38 was still a virgin. Yes, a virgin. He was waiting for that one right woman to come along. As nice as he was though, he had no idea how to approach a woman.
As I later found out, Terri told Rob that we (me and her) were over. She thought they made a great couple and pushed him into a relationship. Oh, of course, he tried to fend her off at first, and encouraged her to work things out with me. After a few weeks though, she decided she wanted to move out and got an apartment with a girlfriend.
“I just need to be on my own and take care of things by myself.” She was babbling and sounded like she was trying to convince herself that everything would work out just the way she wanted. “And once I do that, maybe we can start dating and see if we can work things out.”
Yeah, like that will happen. Whatever.
Within a week, she’d gone on a date with Rob and the kids. The next month, they had announced their relationship to the rest of the choir. Yes, you read that correctly. They told the Catholic church choir they were a couple. This was less than 2 months later from telling me she wanted a divorce.
WTF? I, of course blasted her about involving the kids in that relationship a week after she moved out.
She snarled back at me. “They don’t have any problem with it, you’re the only one that has a problem, so tough shit.”
The kids did what teens do and just played along not wanting to make waves with either of their parents.
How I ever survived those first couple of months…, going to work was awful. Fortunately, Rob and I worked in different departments, and rarely had to actually communicate with one another. And to his (very little) credit, he never said a word to anyone about dating my wife. I think he was already feeling conflicted about the whole situation.
As crushing as all this was for me, karma showed up a few months later in the form of a voice mail from Terri.
(Sniveling, sobbing voice) “Hey, it’s me. I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry about the kids being around Rob anymore. After talking to (the priest) we decided we had to wait until my divorce is final before we can date. Hope this makes you happy.”
As I later found out, Rob got a tongue lashing from his very devout parents about dating a woman who was still married, and he cut off all contact with Terri.
All this time Terri would come to the house to pick up the kids one weeknight, and sometimes use the computer. When she forgot to close out her email one time, I read and saved everything. Including the email in which Rob said she had ruined him for a future wife! And asking if she had gotten her period. So now I had proof of infidelity. Turns out she was just late, but had a scare that she might be pregnant at 43.
In the meantime, I had joined an online dating service, and specifically stated I was separated, not looking for a relationship. I just wanted to meet people to do things with and go places. Within a few days, one of Terri’s friends saw it and told her.
I got a phone call. “Do you have any idea how hurtful it was to find out you’re on a dating site?”
“Um, probably not as hurtful as you sneaking around with Rob, and then flaunting it in public.”
SLAM, went the phone. Guess she didn’t want to talk any longer.
And so, life went on. We actually hammered out a property settlement agreement that wasn’t too painful for me. Well, at least in regard to my pension and investments. I stayed in the house with the kids, and didn’t have to buy her out until they were both out of High School. The idea was they would have a safe, familiar place to finish their teenage years, and not have to change schools. Honestly, I made out pretty well; I guess she was thinking things were going to be peachy with Mr. Wonderful, and didn’t really care. She just told her lawyer to write up what we agreed to.
Over the course of the next several months, we got to the point where we were at least not nasty to one another. The kids were doing reasonably well in school, and didn’t seem to be too affected by the separation. I don’t think they were wild about the living arrangements and not seeing Mom every day, but kids are adaptable.
The following Spring, we had settled into a routine, and the one year waiting period to file for divorce was less than two months away. I called Terri to talk about taxes.
“WHAT?” she snapped when she answered.
“Hey, um, we need to go over taxes for last year and divvy up the proceeds from selling the rental property. And you need to file as married separately.”
“Why do I have to file taxes? You always did this and we’re still married.” She snarked.
“Well, yes, but I can file as head of household because the kids live with me. You have to file married separately.”
“But I have no idea how to do this. I’ve never done taxes.” She whined.
“Hey, you’re the one that told me last year you needed to be on your own and take care of things. So, figure it out!”
“You’re right, I need to start doing things like this, it’s just so hard sometimes. I work 5 days a week, I have to pick the kids up on Wednesdays, and whenever you work on the weekends, I don’t have any time to myself and its pretty apparent Rob wants nothing to do with me.”
Part of me wanted to gloat. She brought this on herself. While my life was hectic, and being an almost full-time parent to two adolescents was trying, I had always managed my time well and was actually thriving. And I was working full time as well as overtime when crap hit the fan at work.
A few weeks later, she came by the house to pick the kids up after school. I was home because I had taken the day off at the last minute. She looked pretty worn out, and I actually felt a little sorry for her.
“Hey, I know it’s your day to have them, but what if you just hung out here at the house? I can make dinner, and you can eat here instead of going out or back to your place.”
“Really, you’d do that?” she asked. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.”
“No, it’s not a problem. I went shopping this morning, so I’ve got tons of food. I can throw something together while you spend time with the kids. Besides, you look like you could use a break.”
“Oh, what do you mean by that?” Terri snapped.
“Nothing. It’s obvious you’re tired, and you’ve even made comments lately about not having any time to yourself. Just accept that I was trying to be considerate.”
Geez, sometimes a guy can’t win for nothing!
“You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just been a tough week at work. Thank you for the offer.”
She went off to spend some time with the kids and I fired into throwing together dinner.
We had a nice meal together. It was almost like years before, with all of us at the table. Not like the last couple of years, where there was always an undercurrent of anger/resentment/depression oozing out from Terri.
Dinner was over. “Chloe, Danny, go do your homework and maybe we’ll have time for a movie before I have to leave.” Turning to me, she said, “Let me at least clean up the kitchen and dishes.”
I was already starting to clear the table and told her, “Well, you can help. Put the leftovers in this container and toss it in the fridge. I’ll take it to work tomorrow for lunch.”
I was busy washing up the pots and pans and she was drying them. We weren’t talking or anything, but I turned to reach for a plate and realized she was staring at me.
“What?”
“Nothing.” She said quietly.,
“I know you, it’s not ‘nothing’.”
She put the drying towel down and looked at me and said, “For a long time, I was angry with you and I didn’t know how to deal with things.”
“Every time I thought about that huge argument, the one we had years ago when you blurted out that you weren’t even sure you wanted to be married to me… it just roiled up my old anger. Yes, I know you said it in the heat of the moment, and I had pushed your buttons that day, but for some reason it always stuck in my head. And then my parents died, and I felt like I just needed to get out. I didn’t mean to hurt you by getting involved with Rob. And that sure blew up in my face.”
I nodded and said, “Yeah, well, we both made some mistakes. I just hope we can stay on good terms from now on, and after the divorce is final. And if I start dating someone, I’ll wait a while before I introduce them to the kids.”
She just bobbed her head and turned to walk into the dining room where the kids were doing homework.
Things seemed to really lighten up after that evening. We spoke a little more frequently on the phone, even though it was usually about the kids. The one-year mark was almost up where she could file for divorce, and I noticed we hadn’t talked in over a week.
Two weeks went by and I still hadn’t heard anything from my lawyer when I came home from work one day and found Terri sitting on the porch step. It wasn’t her day to see the kids, and they weren’t due home from school for another hour.
“What’s up? What are you doing here?” I asked.
She looked down for a minute, and then said, “Can we go inside and talk?”
“Sure, are you okay?”
“Yeah… No. I don’t know. I’m just confused.”
“Ken, the past few months have been very confusing; for years I was unhappy thinking you didn’t want to be married to me, and then every time I was around Rob, it just seemed like he was everything you weren’t. Or more accurately, he wasn’t everything that pisses me off about you. And I know that’s not fair.”
“No Terri, it’s not. You only saw him in situations that were good and cheerful occasions. You didn’t see him when things were shit, so it’s not a fair comparison. And for months you’d be picking fights with me over trivial crap. Hell, even in Dr. Mike’s office, you couldn’t be honest about what the real issue was!”
I sat there and looked at the ground.
“So, what do you want?” I looked her right in the face.
“I’m thinking I should have been more honest with myself, with you, with Dr. Mike about all the things that bothered me, and maybe I wouldn’t have blown up our marriage. A few months ago, you seemed to be open to reconciling; I guess I want to know if you still feel the same way.”
Wow. I didn’t see that coming.
Long story short, she decided that she wasn’t sure she wanted a divorce. She had started therapy and figured out I was not the root cause of her unhappiness. She realized she shouldn’t have gotten involved with Rob, however short it lasted. And her therapist had her on some drugs that seemed to have levelled her moods.
I of course, was speechless. I had at times suggested we work things out, always to be met with anger and negativity. Then again, over the past few months, we had seemed to be getting along better.
Could I forgive and forget her jumping into her thing with Rob? She seemed to think that because she told me the marriage was over before she told Rob she wanted him, that meant it wasn’t an affair. Semantics, semantics. Whatever.
I did realize that Rob was not the cause of our breakup. He was just a byproduct of our conflict.
I sat there saying nothing for a moment. “Um, this is a lot to lay on me. I need to think about what you said for a bit. I don’t think I can answer you right now. Can I think about what you’ve said and maybe we can talk in a day or so?”
She lowered her head and softly said, “yeah, I didn’t really think you’d say yes, so take your time, and let me know if and when you want to talk.”
She left shortly afterwards, and I retired to my study with a tall tumbler of Jack Daniels to think. I had been on an emotional rollercoaster the past year between getting blindsided, then finding out she was basically strong-arming Rob into a relationship (more on that!) and then wishing we had resolved all our issues. Now, I didn’t know if I wanted her back in the house, at least not right away. I had to think of the kids and their wellbeing. When she first hooked up with Rob, they were a little confused, then thought it was really cool, because after all, we’re split up and Mom’s happy, right? Wrong! Some things are just wrong.
But now they were really much more settled when they saw us getting along. Her feeling like she can stay longer when she comes by the house also made things appear more normal. Having her back and us reconciling would be good for them, and truthfully, I understood why she felt like she needed a divorce, just not the way she went about it.
I still wasn’t sure I wanted to have her back and then have it all blow up again in a few months or a year.
In the end, though, I agreed that MAYBE, just maybe, we could reconcile and put things back together.
I called her up and asked her to meet me at the coffee shop in town.
“Terri, if you’re serious about this, I think we need to set up some ground rules. Things both of us agree on. I don’t want the kids to be hurt if things don’t work out. And if either of us decides we need to divorce, then we tell the other person first.”
She agreed. We started out just going on a few dates with each other and while it was somewhat awkward at first, we quickly slipped into a routine. Over the next few months, she started spending more time at the house and we had dinner as a family 2 or 3 nights a week, depending on our work schedules.
We made a point of sitting and talking a lot. Not just about our day or about the kids. But really talking about what we needed from each other and what we wanted to see and do.
We weren’t yet sleeping together though. Things seemed a bit unsettled still.
One night, about four months after that talk, we went to the movies, just the two of us. The kids were at home by themselves for a few hours. The movie wasn’t very good, and halfway through, Terri turned to me and said, “I think I can provide better entertainment than this, but you have to take me back to my apartment.”
I looked at her and said, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, and don’t ruin the evening by asking me again.”
We ended up at her apartment and I have to admit, the sex was pretty good. Better than it had been the past few years of our marriage. Then again, I hadn’t been laid in over a year.
We both were a little tentative when we walked into her bedroom. But then she started undressing, and I did too. That’s when I got a surprise. Her thick bush was now neatly trimmed and very short.
“What’s with the new look? I asked.
“Well, Linda from work was saying that most women shave or wax these days, and that guys seem to really like it. And that you would be less likely to find a hair in your mouth! I always felt self-conscious whenever you would go down on me, so I was hoping to feel a little sexier.”
“I like it!”
And proceeded to show her my appreciation. We were a little hesitant in our coupling, but then it had been probably a year and a half since the last time we’d fucked. And we weren’t on the best of terms back then.
That seemed to be a turning point in our new relationship. Things just began to feel more comfortable, and we were more at ease with each other.
A year and a half after she first said she wanted a divorce; she moved back home. She actually had started spending the night at the house sometimes before we actually decided to move her back in, so it wasn’t too weird when she actually did move in.
Surprisingly, the kids adapted to our renewed marriage easily, and things seemed pretty good. Even our sex life was, well, not spectacular, but at least as good as when we were first married. And Terri seemed to want to continue to improve things in that regard.
Publicly, we appeared to have weathered the storm. She’d tell people that therapy had helped her, that I was gracious enough to forgive her, and pretty much everyone seemed to accept that version of events. Oh, I got some ribbing from some guys about being a wimp, or a pussy. “How could you give in to her?” seemed to be the general theme.
I wasn’t worried. I was playing the long game. If things worked out, great. If not, I’d be in a better place. To hell with the people making snide remarks, it’s not their life.
As far as work, that actually was not the problem you might expect. Like I said, Rob never talked about what had happened, if fact, one day, a few weeks after he broke things off with Terri, he asked if he could speak with me. We went out on the walking path around our facility and he apologized for things and said he would not be seeing her again, that it was just wrong to have gotten involved with her.
Having already gotten some satisfaction that she was devastated, and knowing he was feeling guilty, I didn’t need to exact any retribution. Oh, I don’t speak to him to this day. Our friendship, such as it was, is over, but I didn’t need to waste energy on him. Years later, he actually met someone and got married. I had a chuckle when I found out he became a dad at the age of 49; so much for retiring early!
So, life went on and as the years went by, we seemed to be doing all right.
And now back to the present. What the hell, you wonder?
Like I said, when we split 7 years earlier, we had amicably negotiated a Property Settlement Agreement that covered how things would be divvied up, child custody, visitation, etc. And most importantly, protected my pension and investments from being divided in half. Oh, she’d get some, but not even half. And that PSA was still in effect. Because buried deep in those 20+ pages there was a clause that stated that the agreement would survive and be in full effect unless expressly revoked by the parties, irrespective of any reconciliation or cohabitation of the parties.
Note that “expressly revoked” part. As in writing.
IE, my get out of jail free card. And I didn’t have to wait a year! You see, now that the kids were no longer minors, the waiting period just dropped to 6 months. Chloe was already off at college, and Danny had just graduated and turned eighteen. He was enlisting in the Reserves and going to community college before transferring to UVA.
So, what’s the problem? Why did I just drop a bomb on my wife?
As far as I know, she’d been faithful, she’d been a good mother, a pretty good wife to all appearances, and if you had asked around, most of our friends would have said they thought we had a decent marriage. Maybe not great, but pretty good.
Notice I said “most” of our friends. The problem was, even though we had “reconciled”, I never got over the feeling of devastation that came from her walking out on me. Over the past 6 years, I had tried to get past it. Most of the time I could rationally evaluate things and realize we had a pretty decent relationship. We seemed to parent better this time as opposed to prior to the split. We even had an okay sex life. In some ways, it was better than the last few years before the split.
True, she wasn’t very affectionate, especially in public, and would often make comments that us being back together was good for the kids. Rarely did she ever act like we were “in love” and truthfully, I didn’t either.
I’m sure some folks will think I’ve just got a case of the empty nest syndrome, now that both the kids are out the door and into the world. I would disagree. If anything, the kids being gone just made it all the more obvious that Terri was just tolerating me. The past year or so things had slowly been fading, and I wanted to move on with my life before either of us got to the point where we resented the other.
When Chloe left for college, I had even suggested to Terri that we touch base with a counselor to help us adjust to not having both kids around all the time. Danny had his license and was gone half the time involved in some activity or another. I thought we needed something to keep us connected. Terri didn’t think so and refused to go.
I realized the two of us seemed to be on different arcs, and our relationship probably would not survive. More importantly, did I want it to? I had really hoped that when we reconciled, we would truly “start over” and rebuild our relationship; be one united front and have that continue into our golden years. Now here I am, just past 50, and wondering what the next thirty or forty years are going to bring.
I had always enjoyed doing physical activities and sports. Over the years, I had somewhat drifted away from things I liked, as I needed to be more present with the family and their needs. I didn’t go on as many long bike rides anymore. I only went sailing in my little boat two or three times a year now. Terri had no interest in either of those activities.
I went out to the garage and sat in my workshop. I sat there thinking about the past few years and realized our marriage was never really patched up. And probably never would be. The question was, did I want to continue just treading water with Terri, going through the motions? And what if she decided again that she wasn’t that happy, and decided to walk? How would that affect me this time?
That’s when I remembered our PSA, the one that we negotiated with 7 years earlier.
I called my lawyer and made an appointment for later the following week. The next several days I was pre-occupied wondering if this was the right thing to do. Did I really want to walk or should I make more effort? I figured since I hadn’t done anything yet, it wouldn’t hurt to find out where I stand. I’m sure I was a bit distracted, but Terri never once said anything. I don’t think she even noticed I wasn’t myself.
Thursday, I walked in to see Jon, my lawyer.
“Hey, long time no see. I’m guessing that’s a good thing. Do you need to talk about estate planning?” He greeted me.
“No, not that. Jon, remember when Terri and I split up, you and her lawyer worked out the PSA based on what she and I had agreed on? Then we got back together, and for the most part, things have been pretty good. But I’m not seeing a future for us anymore. I think it’s time to move on, and I’m not sure I care anymore. What I need to know is if we split up now, will that PSA still hold up even though it’s been 7 years?”
“Well Ken, as you know, it does say that it remains in effect, even if you reconcile or cohabitate. But she can always try to challenge it in court. I guess the reality is you never know what a judge will do, especially if the circumstances are a lot different now than when your originally split.”
“The other thing is, hopefully you’ll remember my advice back then not to make any major financial commitments with her. Don’t refinance the house, don’t buy anything in both your names.”
“Jon, that was probably the best thing you said to me back then. I’ve kept our finances separate, and she’s only been contributing to the food and things for the kids. I’ve been paying all the house bills, so hopefully we’re good there.”
“Ken, I can only say you need to decide what’s best for you. Good luck. Keep me posted, whatever you decide.”
The next day, I took a personal day from work and hopped in my car. Years ago, I had bought an old Porsche 911 for cheap. It had over 100k miles and was going to need some work, but was in good running condition. It had been garaged, and I continued to do so. Now, years later, the market for air cooled Porsches was hot and I could probably get 2, maybe even 2.5 times what I paid for it.
I headed out to the racetrack as it was FATT; Friday At The Track. Getting a few laps in helped clear my head, and I knew what I needed to do.
The next couple of weeks were spent doing some real serious thinking about how to extricate myself from the marriage without totally ruining my relationship with the kids. While they were glad we had never divorced, they also knew that we were not as tight a couple as many of their friend’s parents were. So, I don’t think it will be a huge surprise to them.
I went back to see Jon and had him draw up papers to serve on her. I didn’t want to have her served in person by some stranger or a deputy; that would be rubbing salt in the wound. He did say that I could serve her, and IF she accepted them, that would be legal. If she decided to contest the papers, then he would make arrangements to have her served officially. At least, that was the plan.
By now I had realized that I was close to being able to take an early retirement, and could get a job working for a Gov’t contractor making a lot more money. More importantly, I could probably wrangle a deal to work part time or most of the time remotely. We could sell the house, walk away with some moolah, and be pretty well set financially. Since the kid’s college was mostly saved for, we wouldn’t have much expense there and neither of us would end up in a dump apartment.
Which brings us to today. I had seriously thought about this. I mean, I agonized over things; was I doing the right thing, or just reacting to the fact that she didn’t seem as committed as I would have liked? I even waited almost a month after I told Jon to type up the papers. But I stopped by his office yesterday and Linda, his secretary, handed me the proverbial manila envelope.
I was home sitting at the kitchen table when Terri pulled in the driveway and walked in thru the laundry room door.
“You know, I really fucking wish you’d either get rid of that stupid Porsche, or clear some space out of the other bay so I can park my car inside instead of having to walk outside. Especially when it’s cold or rainy.”
“And good afternoon to you too, my lovely wife.” I said with just a touch of sarcasm. “I don’t think that will be an issue much longer, or at least not an important issue.”
“Oh, you’re finally going to do something for once?”
“In a matter of speaking, yes.” And with that, I handed her the manila envelope.
“What’s this,” she said. “Mail come early?”
“Just read it,” I took another sip of my beer.
She scanned the papers and glared at me.
“I suppose you’re wondering why I’m doing this after 6 years.” I said.
“You’re fucking right I am. I came back here because you made it sound like you’d forgive me and it would be good for the kids and we’d put things back together.” She was half yelling, half sobbing.
“Things have never really been the same since you left the other year. I didn’t know how to make it better, but then I realized something a while ago. No matter what I did to improve our marriage, you could walk out again, and file for divorce at any moment. I just decided to beat you to the punch. And the truth is I just don’t care anymore.” And I walked out.
Later, once the screaming and shouting was over, we sat down and I told her everything I had thought about. How it felt like we were treading water, getting by, but not moving forward in our relationship. And yes, I still had some hurt from seven years earlier.
Terri was pissed for a while, but eventually I think it sunk in that this was probably for the best. Oh, her lawyer tried to fight the PSA and renegotiate it, but the fact that I had paid all the house related bills, and Terri hadn’t contributed would have tilted things my way if it came down to the judge deciding. In the end they caved.
I guess I could have given her more of my pension since I had worked another seven years, and received several raises since the PSA was originally negotiated and signed, but I felt like this was the penalty for what she’d done before. And for what she hadn’t done; namely been committed to us.
It took a while, but eventually Terri managed to be cordial and pleasant towards me. We did have to see each other for things like college graduation and other family type events.
Sometimes we even got together for lunch. Talked about the kids, other family stuff, never about us. There was no possibility of us reconciling, and I think she knew that, as not once did she even hint about trying again.
As for me, there was a part that felt like I took advantage of her in the divorce as I made out very well financially, but then I’d think about the emotional toll over the years, and any guilt I had passed. My life, while not what I had envisioned years earlier, was pretty good. I had found a great condo, and bought a bigger boat, so I spend a lot of time on the water these days. And it seems there’s a market for single guys in their early 50’s without baggage. Overall, life is good.
Postscript: In the actual world, there was no reconciliation for the couple where she cheated. The other couple had originally split just because of personal differences. Years after they reunited, the husband dropped the bomb on her. He was just “done” trying.